Finals - Christmas Bloodsport
- Thomas
- Dec 21, 2016
- 7 min read
“You’re nervous when you play an opponent like that because you definitely don’t want to be the team that gets beat by them.”
- Rex Ryan on playing the Browns
MERRY CHRISTMAS BLAST THIS FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT
Hope you all had fun last week, starting with that wonderful looking game on Thursday night. I was pretty drunk when I membered’ that I could watch it on twitter… it almost made me sick…
Dunno what was uglier, that game or Blake Bortles’ season. The guy has more INTS than wins at this point and he’s going 2 years strong so good luck getting another deal pal.
That what it looks like to peak at age 21. Running a fine line here might risk losing that model wife of his if he keeps fucking up at his rate. He’ll never be as bad a loser as the Browns, though.
Absolutely savage if Cleveland fans hold this parade. Completely in your face of the Browns ownership, everyone. Here’s a big parade to show how much you suck.
At least we had this beautiful FG block attempt to give us life.
If you ever need a pick me up, just believe in yourself the same way... you can do it. Just like Keanu Neal played through a broken finger
And the Bears/Packers played through the bitter cold
Still, officiating remains at an all time high
They called that a catch, moving on…
AWARD WATCH LIST:
NAME TBD MVP Award
1. QB Aaron Rodgers - 335.5 points
2. QB Matt Ryan- 332.4 points
3. RB David Johnson - 328.3 points
4. QB Drew Brees - 323.9 points
5. QB Kirk Cousins - 289.6 points
NAME TBD Skill/Flex MVP Award
1. RB David Johnson - 328.3 points
2. RB Ezekiel Elliot- 286.7 points
3. RB DeMarco Murray - 257 points
4. RB Le’Veon Bell - 251.7 points
5. RB LeSean McCoy - 248.2 points
What a fun way to spend Christmas guys, fantasy bloodsport. Show no mercy. Especially you, Pat and Brian… Honor the birth of Jesus by crushing the skulls of your enemies
Our last Thursday Color Rush of the year is near and dear to me. The lame fucking Eagles will be hosting the New Jersey Giants. I won't discuss the *Donald trump voice* WRONG decision to not go with kelly green for the Philly unis. The NFL has been pushing ALL BLACKS as our alternate for a while now, but hey, we literally always win when we wear these things so fuck it why not. The Giants hope to not lose a night game in Philly when the Eagles are wearing black for like the 10th time in a row… it's like Army/Navy level ass spanking at this point. Jim Schwartz is kind of an asshole so I fully expect the Birds to go for big injuries every play. I hope to watch Eli Manning get carted off as New York burns to the ground while a warped record of Frank Sinatra blares over a Russian Propaganda sounding loudspeaker and all the Yankee hats around the world slowly being to catch fire as it sinks into the ground full Mordor style… anyways back to reality Birds lose 24-20 or some dumb shit where they suck the whole game but keep kicking FGs and somehow get close at the end but then they continue the 2016 theme: Cocktease Eagles… Expect a big Eli turnover in the 4th quarter to make it a game again before the eagles do something stupid, I dunno, 4th and 1 WR pass or some shit who knows at this point I think we roll dice to decide which plays to call.
The Giants are wearing white to represent how bland Eli Manning is
We are wearing black in mourning of our season
OH HEY ITS PHILADELPHIA DO A ROCKY THING!!!!! FUCK YOU NFL
Btw, we’ve seen this uni combination several times already (but it's new right?)
Without further ado.
Semi Finals Review
This one was close for a while, and through much of the Sunday 1 PM slate, it looked like Pat might truly be cursed to lose to Nick. Then the late games arrived with Brandin Cooks and Zeke Elliot lifting Pat to victory. Much of Nick’s team did what it needed to win, and plenty of Pat’s starters had down weeks, but the absences of Matt Forte AND Julio Jones were too much to overcome, ultimately. It’s hard to win without your two best non-QB point scorers, especially when you’re trying to upset the league’s scoring leader.
For a minute it seemed Pat might fall short, but:
Ty Montgomery came through big time for Charlie, rushing for 162 yards and 2 TDs, giving Charlie one of his best RB performances of the year. He even outscored one of Brians RBs, making the upset even more likely… Unfortunately, Kenneth Farrow couldn’t quite produce the same. This game wasn’t going to be won by Charlie without a big Day from the QB position. MVP Candidates have lifted this team to the next level all season but weren’t able to do so when it mattered most. Brian’s RB duo continued to be lights out. McCoy made his move into the FLEX MVP top 5 with Gordon out, giving Brian two candidates on the roster.
The King of the North rises again:
In a completely meaningless game, Joe edged out Sam for the right to host Sam next week instead of Sam hosting him, in a virtual game… what great fun.
They get to do it again this week:
Phil’s had a decent season, especially in the second half when he claimed Mariota (FYI Phil is in the market for a Mariota jersey now, someone hook your boy up and make him a Titans fan, we could use one in the group). Ultimately, Kirk Cousins is just too much trash when he faces pressure in the pocket, that and Phil hasn’t really cared these past 2 weeks (per my sources of Phil). Jacob posted the highest loser’s consolation score of the week, reserving a spot in the Mr. Irrelevant bowl to win the bottom bracket.
Jacob is one game away from a perfect consolation postseason:
Another week, another close game between me and Pat. As soon as I had Mike Evans vs Cameron Brate I knew that things would end in horrifying fashion… my team did not disappoint. Lost like 7 straight games all the way to the Toilet/Rose Bowl… Pat eeked one out despite touchdown Tom not doing a touchdown. Fortunately, he isn’t in the championship this week as the Patriots rest everyone.
We keep our games on that Chainsmokers vibe:
PLAYOFF UPDATE:
The Top 2 scoring teams this year have fulfilled their ultimate destiny and will now meet in the championship.
Brian was the lowest seed entering the playoffs, so I’ll be able to make a lot of really poorly informed statistics next season.
Pat cruised to the title via the one seed, setting an incredibly high standard for whoever wins the Blue Crab Bowl next season.
League Championship Preview
#6 Red Wedding (9-6)
@
#1 Skittle Monster (11-3)
Line: Red Wedding -3.9
OOOOOO WEEEEEEE!
Its finally here.
We’ve been expecting this for a while now I think. If you look deep down inside of yourself, you know in your heart of hearts that you thought this would be the final.
Brian struggled all year long to put games into the win column, but week after week the point totals were there. Just like deals at Walmart, you can always count on Walmart to have a great deal like this FurReal Friends Torch, My Blazin Dragon… only $81 (pro tip: buy the protection plan… trust me)
Despite barely making it into the postseason, Brian put up the second-most points in the regular season. David Johnson is having an MVP-caliber season, check out Walmart for MVP deals like this smartwatch/fitness tracker for just $14.99!!
while LeSean McCoy and Matt Stafford have had huge careers resurgences in 2016. The 90s toys also making a big 2016 resurgence, like this set of AI Smart Car HotWheels at Walmart for just $74.00!!!
A consistent rotation at Wide Receiver, featuring a trio of big name wideouts, helped lift the team into Tier 1 along with a stellar year in the FLEX from Spencer Ware. Walmart has some incredible top tier deals available, like this FULL MOTION wall mount for TV WITH a FREE 6' HDMI cable included!! Just 14.99, down from 79.99!!!
Pat started strong right out of the gates, putting up 168 points in week 1. 168 is a lot of points, just like the BIG savings you can find here at WalMart, like this awesome inflatable mattress, sweet Christmas Gift for any girl, ya know.
He rattled off an impressive 8 straight wins in a stretch that separated him from the pack in the wubalubadubdub division. Zeke Elliot is likely the second best first round pick this season (trailing only DJ) and Melvin Gordon + LeGaratte Blount rounded out the top RB trio in the league this season. This three pack of replacement PUR filters is another impressive trio which can be found at WalMart for a great low Christmas price.
Brandin Cooks came up big in the place of an injured AJ Green, while Andrew Luck and Matt Ryan were both top 5 QBs all season long, just like this top 5 Christmas deal found only at WalMart.
These two teams split the season series. Pat’s win coming by 8.3 points in week 5 and Brian winning by 51 (git rekt) in Week 12 [Pat clinched the 1 seed in that 51 point loss btw]. The League’s first year with 10 looks to be set for a very skrong Championship game.
This Championship game is being played commercial free courtesy of WalMart’s ad free Christmas campaign, brought to you by WalMart.
Hunger Foul
Genderfluid Nonbinary : 82.3 Points
I think this might be the first time Joe took home the Hunger Foul, I'll have to check with Elias though. Alshon, The Duke, Hightower and Michael all had solid weeks in nonstarts for Joe. The Raiders D could’ve netted 16 more points his way but he won the meaningless game anyways so who really cares… congrats to Joe for a full effort in an empty week
Waiver Move of the Week
Red Wedding
Add QB Carson Palmer, Drop RB Darren Sproles
SCALE 1 to 10:
With Stafford playing a tough front 7 in New Jersey, Brian needed to look for a more favorable matchup in the Semis. Though he ended up wining the game with enough of a margin that Stafford could’ve started, Palmer provided plenty of breathing space with a solid 2 TD 24 point game vs. NoLa. The Arizona offense was 100% in for Brian and they went off for 48 points (both in fantasy and real life woooaaahhhhhh)
Bad Luck of the Week
Real Life Football Champs
What The Actual Fuck, Mike Evans?
Yo, just straight up what the hell are you doing bud. I need you to beat Cameron “who the fuck are you” Brate by 3 points…. Was that too much too ask? Did you party with Johnny all week like the good ‘ol days at TAMU? Did you go back to 2015 form and stop caring? Help me help you, Mike… we’re going to have a serious discussion about our future together soon.
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