Week 5 - Keep your hands to yourself

"We looked at him like WTF? Right when he left everyone started dying laughing. And he knew it." – Anonymous Jacksonville player on Urban Meyer meeting with positions groups

Fresh off the best week in JPFL History, we back baby!

What a riveting Monday night in the fantasy realm (not the real one because that game sucked). BUT, in the magical make-believe that is the Jimmy Parrott Footnugget League, MNF was actually good (and you can even pretend we had an actually good broadcast crew). Side note: I stopped watching MNF the night Booger McFarland said “Yeah every coach talks to their teams before the season starts, and they always say we want to win the division… that’s your first goal in the NFL, its tough to make the playoffs if you don’t do that”

Thank you to the Manningcast for allowing me to watch a couple of games, but I just cannot enjoy MNF anymore, I don’t need to be yelling at my TV during a fucking Broncos Lions game because Booger won’t shut up about how “Faster guys are harder to catch” or some other Nobel prize-winning thought that he needed to share. (yes I know he’s gone, I still don’t care…. Have some pride and boycott these ESPN “here you dumb shits will eat whatever we spoonfeed you because its football” broadcasts) Like that’s how Bishop Sycamore ends up playing a nationally televised game on ESPN because they literally view football fans as braindead morons who couldn’t change the channel if they tried…. ESPN is literally daring you to change the channel as it cuts costs in the broadcast left and right and the same people who think ESPN is ruining America being a mouthpiece to the “liberal agenda” are the same ones who just can’t stop listening to Steve Levy breaks down how “hard it is to win when you can’t score”

First off, congratulations to the bad faith arguers who have been EMBRASSAINGLY WRONG about the practical effects of the bench size. The waivers are just as active, if not MORE active, than before. Thank you for trying your hardest to make sure you got your own way no matter what the rest of the league wanted…. Unfortunately, I purchased Iron Shield technology from RAYTHEON and your homemade missiles will no longer be making it through.

League parity has almost arrived in full, but there is still one last step to bring our final solution to fruition. We thought our previous keeper proposal had really gotten us there, but we realize there is a glaring hole in the rule that will need to be covered up… round 1.

Pat and I think this will be the last year with first-round keepers. In the same way, we didn’t want to win the JPFL off of a pick made in rounds 4-7 that would otherwise be impossible in a 10-man league. We now don’t want to let the season be determined by who can find the most impossible value in Round 1 and 2 and pair two players that are technically un-pairable in a 10-man league.

When taking an early look at next year’s draft, we can already pretty much see it’ll be a race between Myself, Lockett, the Butlers, Joe, and Leon to simply select 9/10. There’s NOTHING wrong with people valuing the 8/9/10 slots in the draft AT ALL, the problem is that those slots will simply be sought because the only way to break ADP keepers is to get your maximum 9 picks of advantage as close to pick 1 as possible….

Pat and I would prefer not to see the offseason devolve into “how can I get my top tier RB1 at 10” so we will likely brainstorm an addition to our current rule to prevent extreme value chasing in R1 (maaaaaybe R2 but likely just R1) where 5-8 positions of draft actually warp things significantly vs the rest of the ADP round keepers… which seem to value out fine regardless.

I mean, my best season in the league was 100% set up on me slotting myself into pick 10 to keep Saquon (RB2/3 in draft rankings) at 10 and then picking Dalvin Cook at 11. I rolled through the league that year because those two players really shouldn’t have existed on the same roster in a 10-man league. Any normal person who drafted Saquon had to give a 5th overall or better to get him… none of those same teams had a chance at seeing Dalvin in the back of the second round (barring a costly trade up in R2). I know some folks will be intentionally dense to the core of what I just wrote so I want to say it again, cleanly:

The goal of keepers is not to reward a player for gaming the system and create rosters that couldn’t practically be drafted… it's meant to allow owners to keep a player they liked rooting for last year at as fair a value as possible.

This still keeps the spirit of the keeper rule intact without having to give it up entirely. You can keep a player from last season that you liked, we’re just continuing to tweak the parameters that keep “fair value” as fair as possible.

We may consider a rule that in round 1 you can only gain X positions vs the ADP rather than bar them entirely. But the effective result of this rule will be to make sure that the 2022 JPFL Champion isn’t someone who just puts McCaffrey, Kamara, Zeke, Saquon, Chubb, or Jones at pick 10 and then grabs the best player in R2 to pair with a top-end S tier fantasy player….

The TL;DR of the new rule’s intention: rather than everyone with an eligible R1 keep jockeying for pick 9/10, the first round would be wide open and owners would have to find “value” in their keeper at any later round where the advantage gained or lost is much more mitigated.

This rule change also wouldn’t affect Brian or Jacob, so it will be interesting to watch the GOP come up with a new reason this rule is unfair towards whyte people.

Ultimately, we believe a first-round keeper ban would be a small change with large positive ramifications. Every team is still going to walk away with a top 10 player we just won’t get to pull the wool over people’s eyes taking a top 3-5 player at the back of round 1. There will be still plenty of keeper value to be found for the good owners, it just won’t be a championship-contending advantage on its own.

Without further ado.

Week 4 Game Gifs

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 137.15 @ Genderfluid Nonbinary 135.8

In our Game of the Week, Pat Butler finally got his Monday Night wish:

The Fellas 109.45 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 115.65

When Jacob wins but he only scores 115:

The Lockett Rocket 118.2 @ Kings of Leon 123.9

Pat almost got off the ground and had a shot… but the Carr engine never was able to get going:

The Secret Society of Train Runners 117.7 @ TETROHYDRO CHUCKABINOL 129.1

Weed finally gets a hard-earned victory:

Big Dick Nicks 101.55 @ Ollie’s Trollies 149.9

The Trollies finally transformed to unleash the strength they always knew they had:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/7 2:00P

Fantasy Pros Projected Standings

ESPN Projected Standings

Butler Stats Report Power Rankings

FantasyPros Week 5 Power Ratings

Weekly Awards:

Hunger Foul

Genderfluid Nonbinary: 79.37% Coaching Efficiency

Waiver Move of the Week

Genderfluid Nonbinary

Add James Conner, Drop J.D. McKissick

Bad Luck of the Week

Genderfluid Nonbinary

Lost by 1.35… TE got hurt without a reception, FLEX was pulled, D/ST went for -0.5, not to mention Butler pulled some HEAVY MNF scoring to get the dub still…

Game of the Week

For the first time in the history of this rivalry, Pat and Nick are meeting as division leaders! Nick will be looking to keep the new coming as he is 1-8 all-time vs Pat and would love to buck the trend and find a win this week.

The Pirates are already on the board with a big 21 from Robert Woods (long-awaited by PBut) and a respectable 20.15 from Stafford (though probably enough to somehow be less than Hurts and add to Pat’s drama moving forward).

Nick will be looking to overcome an 8 point projection deficit to the Butler Boys. While much of the lineup, from RB-WR, is set, it’ll be interesting to see how FLEX, TE, and K are managed to see if Nick can make up points in his lineup.

Will Dan Jones continue to lead Nick’s roster to first place success or will the Rams lead the Butler Space Pirates to victory??

Pirates vs Punk Rock! Who will come out on top??

This game is being played in at 7:00, doors at 6:00 but the headliners probably won’t go on until like 9, turn your TVs to CBS to watch.