Week 12 - Kill Your Kicker (Happy Thanksgiving)

“Kickers are like horse manure, they’re all over the place.”

- John McKay

Rough week to be to only non-athlete who gets to play on the football team, eh?

Just further proof that kickers are head cases, and the best one’s aren’t so much talented as they are adult grown men who don’t piss themselves out of fear of missing. 11/11 of these kicks were missed before the ball was even snapped.

Mentally and physically the weakest link on the field… even the punters are pathetic lately:

Brad Wing is a punter and still somehow a fuckboy, how is it possible?

If you thought kicking was bad, wait until you see the Eagles receivers….

I used to love Agholor. Says all the right things, never stops working, never gets in trouble… and never catches the fucking ball. My God dude, please, just catch one, just one.

It’s gotten so bad fam.

it’s gotten so bad.

Nelly wants to catch it; he really does, but then

Maybe that’s the problem this whole time, demonic possession. Saying 100 prayers for U Nelson, hope it rids you of this evil. Or maybe someone was shining a laser in his eyes.

No more lasers at games guys

This is what you get when you play in Mexico

You know, as bad as things in Mexico have been, at least it’s not like the NFC North.

Let's check in on what’s happened while everyone was busy celebrating “THEIR” Cubbies win a world series title that they’ve been waiting on since their one friend who follows the team and keeps them up to date told them back during that 11 game win streak in August to start caring again.

Since this Thanksgiving Football is arguably a bigger tradition modern day than Thanksgiving itself, the NFL has granted us a one-week semi-reprieve from Color Rush. From the 90s until 2013, the NFL always wore throwbacks on Thanksgiving and the following Sunday. Really interesting read on that here:

NFL's Worst Thanksgiving Tradition: Throwback Jerseys

But now we don’t even do that. The Cowboys and Steelers will be the only teams wearing Color Rush today. Dallas wearing their all white, a tribute to them being the only team to wear all white at home (coincidentally “All White At Home” is the motto of the Texas state dream for American Immigration and Deportation policies)

Steelers wearing all black because you gotta hear both sides tho…

These teams aren’t even playing in the same game, so you’ll have to get your Color Rush fill in with this nice little flashback to last week when things were so much simpler.

Honestly, I’m kinda happy we don’t have to look at the color rush uniforms that the Redskins had planned for this year (we just have to see them in 2017)

How lame is your team if your “star player jersey model” is a fucking offensive lineman? While we’re at it here are the other Color Rush uniforms that you won’t be seeing because… I dunno why.

Those are all pretty nice too. The Colts and Vikings didn’t really get anything new, just a sharp combo but the Lions have a really solid alternate here and I think they should wear it honestly.

Thanksgiving football has a nice special feel to it, unlike any other day of the year. And it has provided the NFL with some of its most memorable moments.

Leon Lett still winning the Dumbass of the Eon award for that shit haha

and this too

To add to the festivities of Turkey Day, I’ve decided to add the Golden Gobbler

(obvious rip off of Fox’s Galloping Gobbler) to be awarded to the team with the (active) player who scores the most points on Thanksgiving Day. Not really any point to winning this award other than for funsies but maybe down the line, we can think of some rights to grant the winner. I’ll mail you some turkey.

Plenty of players to give highly motivated performances to honor the slaughtering of Native Americans many years ago #NoDAPL?

Thanksgiving bring us 3 games this Thursday. First up, at 12:30PM Minnesota @ Detroit:

Followed by a true tribute to the original Thanksgiving, Washington @ Dallas:

And for 3rds we get Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis

Pat McAfee even politely asked AB not to put a shoe through his punter face this weekend

Get fucked up and enjoy some turkey fam

FUCK YOU, DAN SNYDER!

Without further ado.

Week 11 Review

Winterfell Wolves 118.5 @ Genderfluid Nonbinary 122.5

This was easily the most intense fantasy matchup of the week. Fat Rob’s magical Sunday night turned a 17.8 deficit for Joe into a 4-point victory. Brian looked pretty safe until 4 minutes remained in the game. That’s when Robert Kelley defied the laws of thermodynamics and created 2 garbage time touchdowns to swing 14 points and a win. Amazingly, the week played out to give this game as little impact as it could have. Though Brian has lost the tiebreaker and can no longer jump Joe, he still remains in control of his destiny for the 2nd wild card slot.

All the fat Robs are happy:

Kings of Leon 108.8 @ Skittle Monster 83

Nick did the impossible and beat Pat not once, but twice this year. Honestly, I’m gonna have to get my boy Comey to investigate into this one a little bit more. PLo averages 124 points a game but somehow dips under 100 twice when he plays Nick. WHY WON’T YOU RELEASE YOUR EMAILS, NICK! WHY WONT YOU RELEASE YOUR TAX RETURNS, PAT! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!!!!!!!!!!! This game is the entire argument for why the league isn’t over until it’s over. The NFL is rarely the same for any lengthy period of time. The 10 best players in weeks 13-16 will rarely be the same as the 10 best players over the course of the season or any other 4-week period. Luck stays hurt, Ryan sucks like he always does in December and Dallas rests its starters… all the sudden God’s become men or whatever the fuck the corny ass line from 300 is… just PLo as Xerxes and Nick as Leonidas throwing a spear at his extravagant body chains and piercings.

In case you were having trouble creating that visual:

Harrisonburg 21-16 77.4 @ What A Time To Be Alive 115.4

This really boils down to a rough Thursday night for Jacob; that and the Packers Defense going for -7 points for the second week in a row. Jacob actually hasn’t won a game since…. Since the Antonio Brown trade, hmmmmmmm… This paired perfectly with the first signs of life my team has shown in last several weeks. Gurley finally learned how to serve his purpose of “put ball into end zone” while Mike Evans lead a team-wide Trump protest by getting everyone to score exactly 13 points (likely just some New World Order symbolism). I’ll take what I can get.

George W Bush has some thoughts on the Packers Defense:

Can I Play Baseball Now? 58.7 @ Mister Meeseeks 138.6

Phil continues to keep his season alive with Mariota Duck magic. This time the Steelers game him the added boost of 53.1 points. This has been the crown jewel of Phil’s rebirth so far, topping off last weeks 130+ performance with an even bigger win. Sam, meanwhile, is left needing to regroup very fast in order to find his way into the post season. Last week he showed how dangerous his team could be; this week he showed why it still hasn’t clinched a postseason spot. Only 2 players managed to break double digits, and 2 of his players failed to even score a whole point. Woof. The best part of this matchup: Back in week 4 Sam won the Sutton Slam (largest margin of victory in league history) for his 71.1 point victory over Mr. Palting. Phil avenged that loss this week and claimed the Sutton Slam for himself with a 79.9 point victory.

Sam’s team was in the Holiday spirit a week too early:

THE BONE ZONE 94.6 @ Dicks Out For Harambe 121.2

Ok, so the running back thing is very quickly starting to not work. Gio Bernard is now done for the year and DuJuan Harris is back to 3rd string. Aaron Rodgers has channeled the might of Wisconsin to become the league’s top scoring player, but it still wasn’t enough for Chuck. Charlie will now have to face his fear of active running backs to avoid a “lose-out” collapse in the next few weeks. Pat’s Patriots went off for their usual 58 even without Gronk in the lineup. In fact, Charlie really might’ve won this game had Pat not been able to counter Chuck’s Fantasy MVP candidate with his own. Brady has lead the league in points since his return and has more points per game in games he’s played (27) than any player in the league.

Brady Swag gonna carry this whole thing (until he plays Denver the same week as the semi-finals):

Power Rankings

*as of 11/24 9:00PM

As usual, Pat holds the top spot in this week’s power rankings. Even after a slight stumble in week 11, he remains on track to win the league scoring title and the Blue Crab Bowl (check out the league trophies if you don’t get it). Pat’s team is feasting on the rest of us in the metrics this season.

Despite another loss, Brian hangs onto second place this week. Though he is locked into a tough fight for a playoff spot, his team has consistently been then second highest producing team throughout the year. He has also been in last place in the luck category

Joe bolts up the rankings to 3rd place, impressive considering he’s faced the 2nd toughest schedule so far. He now holds the first wild-card slot in the playoffs (arguably better than the 2 seed in the division since he would currently draw PBut instead of Brian). His gender fluidity has subsided now settled on being a Fat Rob.

Charlie takes a slight dip down to 4 in the rankings. Despite having to outscore more points than anyone else this season, he’s been in the driver’s seat of the division since day 1. He’s likely safe for the playoffs but will have to defend his first round bye in the coming weeks

Nick stays put at 5 after springing the big upset. He is currently the only player who can dethrone Pat as the 1 seed in the league and in the division; however, it would require himself to win out and Pat to lose out. He’s safely in the playoffs but will have to find a way up from 9th in points to stay there long.

After a tough week 11, Jacob drops 2 spots to 6th in the ranks. He’s faced an average of 123.6 points a week during his 3-game losing skid, that’s the mathematically equivalent to playing Lockett’s team every week. He’ll probably need to win out to make the playoffs and defend his league title.

As has been a theme for teams facing playoff elimination, I somehow turned things around and picked up a W out of nowhere. My team has been a litmus test for the league this year, holding the same per game average as the league while also maintain a 0.0 consistency rating (-1 is bad, 0 is neutral, 1 is trending positive). I somehow control my own destiny in the Schwifty, but we all know where the real playoffs focus is.

Phil is beginning his surge up the rankings, I can feel it. Back to back 130+ point performances have put him soundly back in the playoff discussion. Statistically, his team has actually been performing with the middle of the pack this season and now he has the chance to seize a playoff spot.

Pat’s first 4 weeks pretty much doomed him to the bottom of the sabermetric table for most of the season. His season hinges greatly on the results of this week. He greatly needs a win to honor the memory of Harambe.

Sam finds himself in last for the first time this season. A win this week could set up a play in game between him and PBut next week, but he will need some help elsewhere in the division.

Game of the Week

Is it December 16th yet?

Mister Meeseeks (4-7)

Line: Meeseeks -20.2

A big game in the Schwifty division, we can either begin to get some clarity in the playoff picture or plunge the division into complete chaos.

Charlie can clinch the divisional 1 seed and a playoff bye with a win. Doing so would also put Phil’s playoff chances on serious life support.

A win by Phil, however, makes the division wide open. Charlie would be just one game ahead of Phil, the winner of Me vs. Butler and possibly Sam. Much intrigue

Charlie finally turned over his running backs, like that guy who waits until like 4 months after the iPhone update came out to actually get it.

Unfortunately for us, Charlie added another Green Bay player to his roster, further boosting his Sconnie powers.

His roster very quietly possesses one of the best wide receiver trios in the league, which, combined with alternating QB1s, has been enough to hold first place in the division for 12 weeks.

Phil continues his furious rally behind the leadership of Mariota. I also find it very fitting that his roster holds the first ever NFL player to make a Rick and Morty reference.

Fuck Kirk Cousins, though. LeVeon Bell is returning to first round pick form while Latavius Murray continues his breakout season in Oakland.

If Phil’s receivers can perform like they did last year his team could become a serious threat in the postseason, winning this week would be a big step in getting him there.

This game is being played in 4:25PM On Thanksgiving as it has been for decades.

Hunger Foul

What A Time To Be Alive : 67.4 Points

Another week without too many huge breakout bench performances. Famous Jameis contributed 20 points to the cause but ultimately the starting lineup could only have milked another 4.2 points out of this bench. This is mostly a combination having just one bye on the bench while everyone found decent touches within their team’s game plan.

Waiver Move of the Week

All Hail Fat Rob

Add Lions D/ST, Drop RB T.J. Yeldon

SCALE 1 to 10:

h/t Eric Ebron for contributing to Pat’s scoring via a running TD. As nice as Rob Kelley was for Joe last week, I don’t want this move to get lost in the mix. Joe needed every point he could find, winning by just 4, and the Lions D was possibly the biggest 20 he got all day. The 2 touchdowns the Lions scored for him netted 14 points on two plays, just as big a swing as the one Kelley provided to close the gap and win the game in the final 4 minutes of Sunday’s action. The Vikings D going for 22 takes away from this a bit, but either way a great upgrade on TJ Yeldon and one that needed to net at least 16 points.

Bad Luck of the Week

Red Wedding

Those last 4 minutes of that Sunday Night game

With 3:54 left in Sunday Night’s game between Washington and Green Bay, Brian was up soundly on Joe. Joe had even gone to sleep, the week seemed that lost (I know this because Joe and I always call each other to say goodnight on Sundays). 2 Touchdowns and a 66 yard run later and Joe was waking up to find that he actually beat Brian. In those final 4 minutes, Kelley scored 19.1 points. Washington held the ball for 5 plays during that time, 2 of them were kneel downs. Fat Rob basically averaged a touchdown in points every time he touched the ball to close out that game. All hail Fat Rob.

Week 12 At A Glance

Is it December 16th Yet? (6-5) @ Mister Meeseeks (4-7)

A supreme battle for the soul of the schwifty division, between chaos and order

Red Wedding (5-6) @ Skittle Monster (9-2)

Brian is still desperately clinging onto life in the second wild card slot, but he’ll need a win over the league’s top team to hold onto it.

As always LeSean McCoy and David Johnson will be looked to for chunk points; this week Eli Manning will get the start at QB, though.

Dez Bryant could be hitting his stride at the right time, paired with Denver wideouts DT and Emmanuel Sanders, Brian’s team has major scoring threats at all positions and is as well equipped as any team to handle a tough 2 game stretch.

Pat’s combo of Zeke Elliot and Melvin Gordon might be the only other duo that can run with Brian’s. The loss of AJ Green for what is likely the rest of the year could be big;

but If Matt Ryan or Andrew Luck can maintain top level QB play, Pat will be a tough matchup in the Semis or the Finals.

Kings of Leon (7-4) @ Harrisonburg 21-16 (5-6)

Nick’s hyperactive transaction approach has resulted in an interesting low point/high result season.

Russell Wilson, Matt Forte, and Julio Jones create a formidable trio capable of carrying a team any week,

they’ll need to continue their recent tear to lock in the playoff 3 seed in the coming weeks. Will Tye and Tajae Sharpe are the recent tryouts to complete the roster as it looks to make a playoff run. Jacob’s back is against the wall.

Although he doesn’t necessarily need to win out to make the playoffs, it's much easier to get a win against anyone in week 12 than it will be against PLo in week 13. With Cam and AB on the roster, it’s still very hard to rule this team out, especially if Robinson can return to 2015 form.

What A Time To Be Alive (4-7) @ Dicks Out For Harambe (5-6)

Pat and I have been hyping this one for a while now; this one pretty much decides our playoff fates. Derek Carr has been the highlight of my season, piecing together an MVP-worthy year week by week.

Mike Evans clearly spent time in the offseason somewhere in the Far East learning to catch a football and it has paid dividends so far.

Pat rolls out his usual grouping of three Patriots this week, in a divisional matchup against the god awful Jets. Jay Ajayi faces probably the worst rushing defense he’s seen this season so it's possible he could go for 400 yards.

Two rosters on the edge of rounding out, one will finally take a big jump towards the playoffs.

All Hail Fat Rob (6-5) @ Can I Play Baseball Now?

Joe’s up and down season continued with a win last week, maybe that was what created Rob Kelley’s magical 4 minutes.

Drew Brees and T.Y. Hilton continue to lead the charge, but consistency is still needed at the running back position in order for Joe to find long lasting success. Sam could do himself a lot of favors with a win this week.

After a very tough outing last week, he’ll look to Murray, Beckham and Reed once more to provide the spark for success. Michael Crabtree will need to resume his breakout year or the QB position will have to finally bring proper points to the table for Sam to make noise and reach the Promised Land.

Playoff Scenarios

Schwifty Division

Pat has Already clinched at least the playoff 3 seed (division 2 seed). He clinches the 1 seed with a win or a loss by Nick, who can clinch 1 seed by winning out and Pat losing out.

Brian is the only team to be eliminated from the divisional 2 seed so far since he would lose the tiebreaker to Nick even if he netted both remaining games in his favor.

Jacob and Joe can both take tiebreakers over Nick if they collectively force him to go 0-2 the rest of the year and both win out. A loss by Jacob or Joe eliminates them respectfully from 2 seed contention. A win by Nick either week would eliminate Jacob from any chance at the 2 seed and would force Joe to win out to steal it away.

Wubbalubbadubdub Division

Charlie can clinch the division with a win either of the remaining weeks. He’s incredibly close to clinching a playoff birth, the only way he misses out is by losing both games while Phil and Pat win out, with Phil overtaking him in points. A loss by Charlie opens up the 1 seed to the winner of Me/Pat or Phil if he wins out and overtakes Charlie in points.

The 2 seed is wide open in the division. In fact, the 2 seed could come down to 4 teams tied at 5-8. If Pat loses out, I beat Pat and lose to Chuck, Phil beats Chuck and loses to Brian, and then Sam loses to Joe and beats Pat. This scenario pretty much breaks down to a points tiebreaker which screws PBut but would be really exciting with Sam Phil and I all being 24 points apart on the season. Win your games and you make the playoffs, that’s about as detailed as I can get right now.

Wild Card

Just like last week, it looks like the Wildcard will come down to whoever doesn’t finish last in the wubalubadubdub division. However, if Brian and Jacob fuck around they could find themselves losing out to Pat and/or Sam under the right circumstances. The picture will be much much clearer heading into week 13 however…. I hope

Hope you’re all having/had a 10/10 Thanksgiving. Pray to your God(s) of choice, make the proper sacrifices and hope for the best. This weekend we will likely see the first of our playoff casualties, but the way this league is going you never know.