Week 13 - The End (For 4)
- Thomas
- Dec 1, 2016
- 12 min read
“The Quarterback’s job is to win. He’s won a lot. That’s good. I’m glad he’s our Quarterback.”
- Bill Belichick, a master of “fuck your stupid question”
Hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
Congrats to Jacob on claiming the Golden Gobbler this year. Antonio Brown scored 29.6 points on 5 catches for 91 yards 3 TDs.
Similar to Calvin Johnson’s 8 catch, 97yard, 3TD game in 2015.
Neither of those is even close to what Randy Moss did to the Cowboys in 1998: 3 catches for 163 yards and 3 TDs.
The best thing I saw this Thanksgiving though
Flipping to Saturday real quick. Hope you watched this game.
That picture can teach us all a lot about photoshop and parallax error. That is what a first down by 0.5 inches looks like. Which lead to fun times in the big north.
Kind of related to “the spot,” here’s an interesting read about which teams are and aren’t getting motherfucked by the referees (I’m using that word in tribute to Kevin Wilson who invented it but was fired this weekend for being too intense in practice or something I dunno):
The Chiefs and Broncos put on the wildest dumbest game of all time. We had high fives
And weird kicks
mixed reactions
and a decision to go into the end zone that ended up costing the Broncos the game.
If Bennie Fowler goes down at 1 one or something, the Broncos run out the clock and win. The Broncos true weakness was exposed that night.
Week 12 gave us the first roughing the passer in favor of Cam Newton since 2014
Terrelle Pryor SENIOR and Janoris Jenkins had fun on the internet this week.
Lastly, Justin Tucker has the biggest dick and he used it to hit three 50-yard field goals in one half
Fox paid their respects, showed mad props
Vikings vs Cowboys tonight in the cool as fuck giant glass Viking ship stadium.
We get to those color rush uniforms we missed out on last week as well. Thank God!
Not bad, honestly expect it to look decent on the field, but I could definitely do without the Gold stripe on the Vikings’ pants. Solid purple would be mad fly and open up the door to maybe a Future or Lil Wayne type sponsorship. Maybe even pass off a Prince tribute, you’re golden.
RIP to Mike Zimmer’s eye. He won’t be coaching tonight because he has a detached retina ( I think that’s the thing the new MacBooks have, so he must have a phone issue or something. Geek squad must be taking forever)
Take a step back to appreciate that we live in a time where this is a correctable medical problem. Had he been just some guy who got in a scuffle in like 500 B.C. he’d just be fucked in his eye and it would get mad disgusting.
Plenty of talent to go to waste on a week of short rest an…. Wait! these guys played last Thursday so never mind…. Plenty of talent to be probably just meh, you know.
It wasn't a catch.
It seems the LA dilemma has resolved itself, as the Chargers will be leaving the decrepit Qualcomm Stadium. Sucks to Suck lesser California markets. SD and OAK both gonna lose their teams this offseason (which will help lower the NFLs “stabbings per game” number). More on the move here:
Lastly, RIP to Joe McKnight, the man who honestly made “The Drive.”
For the other 3 of you shortly joining me in the consolation bracket, enjoy your last week of fantasy fun time… then enjoy your freedom.
Valar Morgulis (all teams must die)
Best of luck in the days to follow. May the Gods be in your favor.
Without further ado.
Week 12 Review
Is It December 16th Yet? 60 @ Mister Meeseeks 108.8
This game was an absolute must win for Phil and he came through. Marcus Mariota gave perhaps his last performance for Phil this year, ending a hell of a 4 game streak in which he literally turned Phil’s season around. Charlie has quite a rough week, only a handful of players went over the 10-point threshold and even then, the Rams D did its best to squelch those efforts. Charlie suffered the unfortunate fate of losing to his bench this week. He will now have to fight for his playoff life in week 13 after 12 straight weeks on top of the division.
Charlie’s dream season could be slipping away:
Red Wedding 146.1 @ Skittle Monster 95.1
Pat’s unbeatable team scored 83 and then 95.1 points in the last two weeks, respectively (this part is a super secret: that’s less than the league average :O) Pat now has 100% total ownership of the number 1 seed however, so there isn’t much on the line for him these next two weeks. Brian gave Sam a run for his money with four players going for more than 21 points. Brian could’ve challenged the league record this week with some hardcore lineup moves but ultimately his team came through when it mattered most… must be nice. Brian will look for a repeat performance this week to close out the deal on a playoff berth.
This game was rigged the whole time, everybody is saying it:
Kings of Leon 39.2 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 105.1
Nick set records this weekend. 39.2 is the lowest score of the season but it ain't even matter. This was totally a trap game for Nick. Off of a big emotional win over PLo, Nick’s team was prime for a letdown. That’s just the emotions of the game. This is also maybe the first time I can't remember seeing a team not have a single player go for double digits. Russ Wilson came close, but he didn’t drink enough spirit water. Jacob took advantage with a pretty decent 105 to seal the deal, carried by a big-time money showing from ABoomin. Allen Robinson and Frank Gore showed the hell out… Oh, I typed that wrong, I mean to say they absolutely blew. Jacob’s Kicker and Defense (in that order) made sure we never forget so shout out to them for the good patriotism. Nick will try to hold onto his 2 seed this week while Jacob still balances between several playoff scenarios.
Sometimes, you take the hardest L:
What A Time To Be Alive 96 @ Dicks Out For Harambe 97.1
Pat almost hung himself over his tight end production… he lives to tear another ACL another day… LOOK AT THE BENCHES THIS WAS THE CLOSEST GAME OF ALL TIME, DIFFERENCE OF 0.6 POINTS!!!!!!! FUCK ME AMIRITE!!! I Should’ve just started Travis Kelce, but what’re you gonna do. The sacrifice is almost complete… As my Wisconsin hate week continues into the big weekend (Fuckin Jordy PushOff Nelson). Mike Evans, welcome to the roster again next year (maybe we have a lot to talk about with keepers). You finally proved me right after my 10th year in a row of saying “this is definitely the year for Mike Evans.” Thanks for stepping up. Todd and Lamar… I’m not mad; I’m disappointed. Your coaches let me down more than you did, especially you Bill O.B., how could you? After all that we’ve been through. I should’ve known about the incompetence of Jeff .500 Fisher but you? What happened to the man who dropped F-bombs live on national TV? Where’s the fire? KB and Jarvis were cool but I mean you guys were just side things in this Mike Evans lifestyle I’ve been livin. Nothin personal but, everything personal. Special shoutout to all the bench players too, and the practice squad… Especially Big I Crowell, you deserve better than Cleveland… You deserve so much more. It was real. We tried out hardest (ok, 50-60% effort). I can see the light now, there's Danny Woodhead and Keenan Allen already frolicking on the plains of Valhalla (that’s not what you do there…). You know what they say “Four wins are better than three, which is half as many as six.”
RIP My Team 9/6/2016 - 11/28/2016:
All Hail Fat Rob 110.5 @ Can I Play Baseball Now? 155.5
The curious case of rollercoaster fantasy squads played out this weekend. Joe and Sam have successfully flip-flopped their way to pretty much .500 seasons, which is good enough for playoffs in this league so there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! DON’T JUDGE MY LIFE CHOICES! Ultimately, Sam was too much for Joe to handle with 4 players going off for 22+ points and the rest of the roster filling in the blanks (in a successful SAT answer kind of way, not like a racist Madlibs kind of way). Either way, Sam keeps his playoffs hopes alive, creating a play-in situation for himself, while Joe slides not binarily back to his gender-fluid ways.
The rollercoaster seasons continue:
Power Rankings
*updated as of 12/3 5:28PM
Pat remains atop the polls for like a 10th straight week (thanks to that hidden white vote amirite?) but he has yielded his perfect score, losing a spot in roster rank to Brian. Feel free to make fun of him for this. Pat has dominated all year but is beginning to show signs of mortal flaws after all…
Brian holds strong in the second rank; after all these weeks, he still seems the most likely to challenge Pat in the playoffs. He’s consistently been THE challenger to the top rank in all of the metrics, and has been the few to move Pat down a notch in any of those metrics as of late. Brian would love for this past weekend to be a preview of things to come; but let’s not forget, in all of this, that things don’t always go well for The Challenger
Despite a tough loss, Joe still remains at third in the power rankings. Even through an up and down year, Joe has had one of the more consistent teams this season in production. Though he did hold a steady personality as Fat Rob for a few weeks, things quickly became unstable in that state and the roster reverted back to gender fluidity. Joe’s team looks to move forward as it takes the next step in its evolution
Rising 2 spots up to 4th is Jacob. His team is still looking for reliable scoring, but the Antonio Brown trade may final be starting to pay dividends. Unfortunately for Jacob, he is competing for a playoff spot with the 2nd and 3rd ranked teams in this week’s power rankings… fucking rigged.
Charlie drops a spot to 5th this week, and now actually faces playoff elimination. He’s been staving off this possibility for weeks now, but it seems possible the season may finally take a flip on Charlie. In one week, Charlie could go from first to out of the playoffs.
Nick slides into a tie with Sam for 6th place. His loss last week bars him from grabbing the one seed, but his playoff spot is still safe. Nick has the fewest points but the second most wins. You scrubs are highly highly inefficient.
Sam has risen 4 spot (woah!) to meet Nick in 6th place. Pretty steady point production has kept his season’s chances alive, entering a winner take all showdown with PBut. Sam has the 4th most point and 8th most wins this year; he chose to do things the hard way.
PBut finds himself at 8th in the rankings after eeking out a win over myself. His roster suffers the unfortunate fate of being down (20 to) a million points in tiebreakers so he must win off of record alone. Pat has earned his way into a play-in game this weekend, but now must do so without his first round pick
Phil has turned his season around and placed himself on the edge of glory. Though he will need some help (Sam winning a low scoring game), he is potentially just a win away from the playoffs which is pretty crazy considering he looked dead in the water just weeks ago.
I have now dropped all the way to last place. Thus fulfills the promised sacrifice.
Game of the Week
Dicks Out For Harambe (6-6)
@
Can I Play Baseball Now? (5-7)
Line: Harambe -9.0
This game is essentially round 0 of the playoffs. Though there are a few variables that could alter the specific seeds, this game all but decides who gets the second seed in the division and makes the post season.
Pat will turn to touchdown tom yet again to bring him one more win. With RB and WR production being up and down, Pat will certainly need his fantasy football crush to put on a show.
Both teams are dealing with the injury of a big time TE, adding some intrigue to the matchup. Ebron and Gates usually serve as excellent backups, but both can lay the occasional small point day landmine and blow up your season (as Pat almost learned last week).
With Tennessee on the Bye, Sam will have to turn to the waiver to find a RB, in a torturous decision between crap and more crap that becomes even more torturous when you remember that it will probably be the hinge point decision that your season’s fate is determined on.
Ultimately, this game will boils down to which of these teams gets value from its fringe players. Both sides have shown great promise and suffered great turmoil on the backs of those same players all year, and now their fantasy fates will likely go down the same way.
This game is being broadcast on MySpace live because our league is hip and cool and don’t you forget it.
Hunger Foul
Kings of Leon : 90.5 Points
It’s always tough to learn that you could’ve tripled your points had you started your bench. Davante Adams and DeSean "Juicy J" Jackson had blow up days, compounded by the consistently inconsistent performances of Russ Will and Philip Rivers. Overall it was a solid week for bench production, meaning the league did a good job of owning a majority of the points available each week. That’s really what this award has been a reflection of this season. Still, looking at your bench and seeing 3x the amount of points your starters roll out can maybe Sunday pretty damn miserable.
Waiver Move of the Week
Kings of Leon
Drop TE Hunter Henry, Add TE Will Tye
SCALE 1 to 10:
Ok so Nick also had the actual best roster move of the week, dropping Robert Woods (who put up 0) and adding DeSean Jackson. Jackson scored 19.8 points this weekend, in a FULL NET points move…. For Nick’s bench. Instead the Will Tye move will get featured to show that fantasy is a fickle bitch. Nick had the best and worst moves of the week, and simply lucked into the less likely of the two moves working out. Nick be in them playoffs though so it don’t make much difference.
Bad Luck of the Week
What A Time To Be Alive
1.1 Points
You can argue that Butler suffered an equal amount of bad luck this weekend, between the roster injuries and production and Gronk being gone forever. But I lost the game so that’s a Trump card. Its one thing to lose, it’s another to be eliminated from the playoffs, and its ANOTHER whole thing to have both of those happen because of 1.1 points. Everything was close in the game, the starters, the benches, and the daily totals. Easily the closest game in the leagues history (especially the deeper you look). Total roster points for the week, me: 170.6 - Pat: 171.2. That’s Ohio St vs Michigan on 4th down close. That’s Super Bowl 34 close. Not much you can do though that’s life. Probabilities still have to pass odds and become realities, that’s why you play the game.
Week 13 LIVE IN GAME COMMENTARY
Dicks Out For Harambe (6-6) @ Can I Play Baseball Now? (5-7)
IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS. Pat needs 28.0 points from 2 players to make the playoffs.
Skittle Monster (9-3) @ Harrisonburg 21-16 (6-6)
If Frank Gore can be God level and get 53 points, then Jacob can be in the playoffs
Genderfluid Nonbinary (6-6) @ Kings of Leon (7-5)
The Battle for 2nd in the Schwifty gets very interesting. Joe has a 17.2 points lead heading into Monday night. T.Y. Hilton will defend that lead against Matt Forte and Adam Vinatieri. This is projected to be a 7-point game so an extra TD could easily swing things.
What A Time To Be Alive (4-8) @ Is it December 16th yet? (6-6)
I’m 1-2 vs things from Wisconsin this week and IDGAF
Red Wedding (6-6) @ Mister Meeseeks (5-7)
The loss of Mariota was too much for Phil to overcome
Playoff Scenarios
We’ve got some game that went final on Sunday, so we’re going to give one last big playoff update
Schwifty Division
With a loss from Nick, Pat has clinched the 1 seed in the playoffs and in the division.
The winner of Joe vs. Nick will claim the 2 seed in the division. Joe holds the record tiebreaker over any possible grouping at 7-6.
Wubbalubbadubdub Division
Charlie has clinched first place in the division with his 7th win of the year. He holds the 3rd tiebreak over Butler.
Phil’s loss has also eliminated him from playoff contention; I’m sorry Phil (its pearl harbor week so feel free to accept your inevitable doom in kamikaze fashion)
The game between Pat and Sam is now for 2nd in the division. The winner will claim the 4th seed in the playoffs; the loser will be eliminated from playoff contention.
Wild Card
The Wild Card is now strictly a Schwifty Division competition. Nick is safely in the playoffs as he can finish no worse than 4/5 in the division with a 4-way time for 2nd at 7-6.
Brian is in the clubhouse at 7-6, he clinches a playoff berth with a loss from either Joe or Jacob. If both win out, Brian is the loser of a 4-way tie and drops to 5th in the division (out of the playoffs).
A loss by Jacob eliminates him from the playoffs; even if Joe loses his matchup with Nick he would still beat Jacob on the 3rd tiebreak. If Jacob wins he secures at least the second wild card playoff slot for himself, over Brian.
Joe can still claim the 2nd seed in the division and 3rd overall in the playoffs with a win over Nick, his in-division dominance has given him all the tiebreaks. If Joe wins, he bumps Nick to the first wildcard, leaving Jacob and Brian to vie for the last slot (Jacob controlling his own destiny still). If Joe loses, he will be relegated to the 2nd wild card slot, behind Brian, and will have to hope for a loss from Jacob to keep him in the playoffs.
If you have any questions about your playoff scenarios, text me and Pat and I will work it out and give you a definitive answer.
Remember, in the result of a 3 or more team tie, the head to head record tiebreaker is your record against the group AS A WHOLE. If you’re tied with 2 other teams, the head to head record will total to 4 GAMES for the 4 games you’ve played against the other two teams (1.e. 4-0, 3-1, 2-2….). Those ties are not resolved on an individual team-to-team basis within the group but rather against the group as a whole.
Feel Free to offer submissions for awards or ideas for new awards each week. Any and all LM note input is welcome.
Comments