Week 5 - #FreeBrady

“Do you need to eat a cheeseburger every day to realize that you love a cheeseburger?”

- Tom Brady

it is time.

A quarter of the season has come and gone, and we must wait no longer. We’ve waited long enough to find if out if drafting him in fifth round will be worth it. He’s 39 years old, the ultimate day of reckoning is upon us; it is finally Brady week.

*Live shot of Butler*

While the real life Patriots have gone 3-1 in his stead, Butler’s Harambe tribute has been spot on, going 0-4. Last place in the league is no fun, especially when 2 of your top 2 pics have combined for 0 points through 4 weeks. Pat needs this guys, that first win of the season is the nicest.

John Kuhn is now a verified fantasy all star, someone needs to be a true American and pick him up, and Fullbacks are this nation’s backbone.

I would also like to thank Joe for officially cursing Carson Wentz to have his first bad week since he has now been claimed off of waivers (JK I really hope he doesn’t do bad).

The Wubbalubbadubdub Division is growing stronger… Meanwhile the Schwifty Division has not been showing what it’s got. *SPOILER ALERT* our game of the week happens to be this week’s only cross-division game.

This week we kick off with a showdown in the weak as hell NFC West. Since its Thursday that means we also get NFL COLOR RUSH!!! I know you’re all huge fans of the Thursday night color rush. I mean just check out last week’s awesome set:

Great story for this week’s matchup however. When the NFL started designing these jerseys, I guess they didn’t look at the matchups, because both Arizona and San Francisco received all black uniforms:

So, since San Fran is at home, they get to wear their jerseys but Arizona has to wear their boring road unis. The result is what I’m calling the Color Rush Race War.

Whites vs. Blacks for the game featuring Kaepernick…. Nice! As usual, there’s some good talent in this one so keep an eye out.

4 teams on the bye this week (KC, NO, SEA, JAX) instead of 2.

Without further ado.

Week 4 Review

Harrisonburg 21-16 129.3 @ Genderfluid Nonbinary 87.6

Jacob’s roster did something pretty impressive last week; for the first time this season every offensive player went for double-digit points, the first time anyone has had 8/9 players go for double digits this season. Meanwhile, Joe hit his first road bump of the season. WRs continued to do their job but the rest of the roster saw production dips (Celebrity Guest RB Jalen Richards likely won’t be seeing a contract extension).

By the end of the 1:00PM slate Jacob had 119 points, there was nothing Joe could do about it:

Mister Meeseeks 75.9 @ Can I Play Baseball Now? 147

It was hard to imagine things getting worse for Phil, but they did. Although his roster started to get things turned around, it wasn’t nearly enough to match Sam’s breakout “double up my opponent” performance. The 147 point showing set a league record for margin of victory (71.1) and had a weird dynamic as 6 players averaged 23.5 points while the other three combined for just 5.8.

It was never even close:

Skittle Monster 126.7 @ Free Kodak 103

A developing trend for Kodak: The roster puts up impressive numbers but a third consecutive 125+ point performance stood in the way of success. Derek Carr had a career day throwing for 4TD and 0INT but AJ Green made sure none of that mattered. Skittle Monster had a mix and match week form its lineup, but enough superstar performances kept the game out of reach. Monster now hopes to break the trend of teams following a game against Kodak with their worst point total performance of the season.

Kodak fought the law…. The law won:

Kings of Leon 109.1 @ Winterfell Wolves 93

I don’t know what kind of ancient powers Nick offered sacrificed to gain favor with, but it worked. Julio caught 12 passes averaging 25 yards a catch for 300 yards. Somehow only 1 of those catches was a touchdown but perhaps it’s even more impressive that his 42-point performance came almost purely off of yards. The Wolves put up a solid comeback effort, and Leon left the door wide open but; ultimately, the combination of Julio Jones taking dumps on the Carolina secondary and Matt Stafford taking a giant dump on the field in Chicago was too much for Brian to overcome.

Julio went to town:

Dicks Out For Harambe 83.4 @ That Ho Ovah Myah 99.1

This was a rough one for Harambe to lose. Harambe had favorable matchups for several players meanwhile That Ho Ovah Myah was dealing with some rough byes and was facing a serious production dip from its best player, Pink Tips. Somehow, someway, in the end (it doesn’t even matter) That Ho pulled through. Draft Day decisions starting to come back to haunt Harambe?

With a bench in tatters and the season beginning to crumble, Harambe kept that win column goose egg straight:

Power Rankings

*as of 10/05 01:19P

Jacob takes over the top spot in this week’s power rankings, up 4 spots after knocking off previous number 1 Genderfluid Nonbinary.

Skittle Monster rises to 2nd place in the poll, following a big performance in week 4. That Ho Ovah Myah rounds out the top 3; despite taking a slight step back in week 4, Chuck is still the league leader in points

Joe takes a slight dip into the four spot, his record can hold him up for now but his team will have to do some serious soul searching and find their identity, or lack thereof. Brian suffered a red wedding of sorts last week at the hands of Julio Jones, and things only look to get tougher in week 5.

I somehow manage to hold my ground in the computer module, but I’m currently hearing about a deal on some express tickets to last place if your team goes 1-4… tempting. Sam is making moves at an eerily similar pace to Tim Tebow, who is now on his way to the Arizona Fall League. Our two teams meet this weekend to settle their differences on the gridiron or something, I dunno.

Nick makes a nice little climb in the rankings, it’s always nice to check on your team and then see Julio Jones is committing war crimes against the Panthers. It’s like a small little fantasy Christmas.

Phil took a step forward last week, but it was still somehow 2 steps back. That’s rough, you get yourself together and get things going a little bit and then you just get run over by a truck. On a happier note though, we can all take satisfaction knowing that Pat is still in last place (for now) and spends most Sundays MAD ONLINE.

Game of the Week

Genderfluid Nonbinary (3-1)

That Ho Ovah Myah (3-1)

Line: Genderfluid Nonbinary -8.2

That Ho Ovah Myah is off to a hot start this season. The double Hall of Fame QB approach has been wildly successful; and the supporting cast of Pink Tips, Jordy Nelson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Doug Baldwin (who definitely got concussed last week) has been enough to lead the league in scoring.

Luckily Doug gets the week off for Chuck, Nelson will step back in at WR, but RBs will have to keep playing at an impressive rate.

Joe is back in the Game of the Week again, and this time with a brand new QB!!!

A struggling RB core will have to step up to support 2 top 10 receivers. Eddie Lacy has continued into a second year of being a disappointing child for Joe… However, the Genderfluid Nonbinary special teams unit is best in the league.

This game is being played in at 1:00PM Eastern time on Sunday because NBC didn’t think it would be good enough for the night slot back in July when the TV schedule was set.

Hunger Foul

Skittle Monster : 95.2 Points

Another case of the Hunger Foul not being such a bad thing. Pat had a big week but could’ve netted another 20 points from September MVP Matt Ryan. Carlos Hyde and Martellus Bennet had notable weeks on the bench as well, but Ryan continues to be the surprise story of the NFL season.

Waiver Move of the Week

That Ho Ovah Myah

Add RB Fozzy Whittaker

SCALE 1 to 10:

Just about a week ago, Fozzy Whittaker was on Jacob’s roster as the handcuff/deep bench roster replacement for the injured Jonathan Stewart. One week (and several roster transactions) later, Fozzy goes off for 13.7 points despite only rushing for 6 yards on 3 carries. PJ Lightning watched game tracker (slash received my text updates) with dismay as Fozzy racked up 9 check down receptions for 86 yards when Atlanta moved to the prevent defense up big in the 3rd.

Bad Luck of the Week

Winterfell Wolves

Julio Jones

What Happened in Atlanta last week was all time stuff. Matt Ryan and Julio Jones were the first QB and WR pair to ever have 500 and 300 yards in the same game, respectively. Julio was just the sixth NFL player to have 300 yards receiving in one game (the last was Calvin Johnson vs. Dallas in 2013). Even worse, might have been how close victory actually was in the end. The points just weren’t there unfortunately; Julio accounted for 38.5% of Nick’s points

Week 5 At A Glance

Genderfluid Nonbinary (3-1) @ That Ho Ovah Myah (3-1)

Charlie keeps finding ways to score points, Joe keeps finding ways to change gender.

Skittle Monster (3-1) @ Winterfell Wolves (2-2)

AJ Green and Melvin Gordon have been a vicious duo for Skittle Monster as he rampages his way to the top of the division.

A nice supporting cast of WRs rotates into action to round out one of the league’s better rosters.

They face really impressive running back duo of David Johnson and Shady “only girls at my party” McCoy

Famous Ginger Andy Dalton steps into the starting role this week at quarterback as the Wolves look to get on track.

Free Kodak (1-3) @ Can I Play Baseball now? (2-2)

Derek Carr has been a bright spot for a team on the skid.

Lamar Miller or Todd Gurley will have to get going soon or the playoffs might become just a far off dream…

Sam faces some interesting byes, will we see an all Tennessee backfield?

This team could become dangerous next week when Jamal Charles returns

Dicks Out For Harambe (0-4) @ Mister Meeseeks (1-3)

Pat’s roster is just finally starting to take shape as Brady now takes the reigns at QB.

The WR position might finally be starting to even itself out, and the TB12 impact extends out to Edelman and Gronk.

Phil’s team is also hitting an upswing with the return of evil satanic worshipping weed smoking Le’Veon Bell and several favorable matchups draw for starters.

Old Head Ass Carson Palmer is OUT for the week though and will have to be replaced via waivers or a trade.

Hit dis with the much intrigue:

Phil looking to not miss 3 in a row here

Harrisonburg 21-16 (3-1) @ Kings of Leon (2-2)

Jacob will defend is number 1 power ranking against Nick this week, but questions remain as to whether or not Cam Newton will be cleared after suffering what was probably his 3rd concussion of the year and like 100th of his life.

He will have to get through Nick and super weapon Julio Jones. Nick had one of those weeks last week where nothing good should’ve happened but then all of the sudden something magical happens an then you’re celebrating and you don’t know how.