Week 6 - Woahhhhh, We're (Almost) Halfway There

Thomas
Oct 12, 2016
9 min read

“I don't like Jason Garrett ... I didn't get along with him… Man, Fuck Jason Garrett.”

- Martellus Bennett

5 weeks down, hopefully, your team is off to a very promising start

maybe you’re the team that nobody wants to play:

Football team so dominant that other schools decide to forfeit rather than play them

or perhaps you’re one of the teams that has to forfeit for fear of death:

I don’t even know how to feel about that article, but my immediate thought is that this definitely would’ve happened if Bishop Sullivan played all the TCIS teams this year. Tom Brady rejoined the league in exciting fashion last week.

He threw 3 Touchdown passes and it still wasn’t enough to get even one of them to any of the 12 Patriots players Pat started last week. One the opposite end of that same matchup, Brian has found himself in the extremely rare position of having a WR who might start at QB (but can still be played at WR in fantasy)

Seriously though, there must be one guy you can call to come learn how to lose a game in a week so you don’t have to put TP behind center? Brett Favre is available. Gotta wonder how Johnny Football feels about this too. One the one hand he could be like “awesome! fuck those guys for cutting me.!” But on the other, he could be like “holy shit if I were still there I would be dead now!” 50/50. Cleveland would have Johnny back on some drugs right now though, that’s for sure. OBJ also reminded us that football is bigger than just football, showing us to never give up on true love.

I’m going to go on record saying that man definitely spends a couple stacks on personal styling products and probably wears a bit of makeup during games just to look good on camera. Also, I think that’s really just classifiable as an abusive relationship. Like he beats the net up one week and the next it's all "you know I didn’t mean that.” Very Bobby/Whitney ya know, just a little too Ray Rice? Maybe its none of my business, maybe he and kicking net made up, maybe this relationship is just one big PR stunt, who knows.

After dropping 10 points and hovering for a few weeks, last week, the league average jumped back up to where it was in week 1. This week we kick off with another west coast Thursday night matchup, and once again, COLOR RUSH

Not bad this week, gonna go ahead and give them a 6.5/10. Still not sure how it's gonna look on the field, though, but the Denver throwbacks are a nice touch. Also, smh any time you choose not to use powder blue on a Chargers uni.

Still, plenty of talent available to go to waste on a week of short rest and preparation.

Only 2 teams on the bye this week (but I won't tell you which ones…. How will you ever figure this one out?!?!)

Without further ado.

Week 5 Review

Genderfluid Nonbinary 111.8 @ ROCK VODKAAAAAAAAAAA 118.7

Not necessarily a bad week for Joe, as he was just 0.2 shy of his season average; Charlie just had a few more points on the roster, thanks to the elite play of current MVP runner-up Ben Roethlisberger. Had Brees been available this game might have gone differently, but that’s how fantasy football works

Charlie narrowly avoided defeat:

Skittle Monster 138.4 @ Winterfell Wolves 130.1

This was probably the best matchup of the week when all was said and done. Big plays kept putting PLo ahead and then slowly Brian would close the gap. Brian would lose this matchup by 8.3 points, 8 of which came on a Bills garbage time pick six of former Houston legend and NCAA record-setter Case Keenum…. Such regression

Brian’s hope were on Gano(pes) foot:

We Got Dat Bell 103.5 @ Can I Play Baseball Now? 84.2

Somewhere around 7 or 8 PM on Sunday, this was looking like a pretty desolate matchup. Sloppy play and disappointing performances by big producers had it looking like neither team would hit 100. Unfortunately for Sam, that forecast stayed true. It seems that even though Tim Tebow can stop a man’s seizures with his touch: Tim Tebow “Healed” A Fan Who Had A Seizure During His Autograph Session he can’t always save Sam’s roster.

It was painful:

Dicks Out For Harambe 112 @ Mister Meeseeks 100

Pat finally did it, guys! It finally happened! Not only did PBut finally get a W, he also crossed the 100 point mark for the first time all season. Tom Brady carried the team with 33.7 points as Phil couldn’t quite put up enough to keep Jizz Rodgers from overtaking him on Monday night.

Pat can finally soak up his first win:

Harrisonburg 21-16 133.3 @ Kings of Leon 103.8

A story of two teams with completely different feels so far this season. Jacob is starting to go on a roll while Nick is riding a week-to-week roller coaster of fantasy emotions. Waiver moves have been stellar for Jacob again this season, two recent acquisitions gave him a combined 51.6 points this season. Had Julio Jones gotten another 12 catches for 240 yards this one would’ve been close. Unfortunately, though, Vinatieri couldn’t carry the team.

Hoyer the Destroyer did his thang:

Power Rankings

*as of 10/13 8:58P

I first would like to say I am completely against ties. I just don’t like them, never have, my ancestors never have, they just don’t fit in here. They’re unMerican, They don’t belong here. They’re lazy, they smell, and they’re different and I think we should round em all up and git rid of um.

That being said, I don’t want to break the excel sheet that helps me keep track of all of this so I’m just gonna leave it because I’m lazy, like a..........tie.

Pat (no not the one with all the losses) and Jacob get to spoon on the throne this week as champions of the power rankings (which aren’t the same as the league standings so don’t worry kiddos). I guess since Jacob was already there last week though, Pat has to sit on his lap, or I guess Jacob has first choice so if he wants to be little spoon...

Charlie is bustin out the Rock Vodka in celebration this of his top three placing again this week, and I’m talkin all the flavors: Booberry, Banorange, Pizzomegranate, Apple-Cizzinamon. Brian is up a spot despite losing last week to round out the top four.

I also managed to rise a spot this week, 2016 will look eerily similar to 2015 if I drop this weekend game though. Joe forfeited two spots, allowing for Brian and myself to move up. Not only do we share a tier in this week’s power rankings, but we’re also raising awareness for trans issues (transgender and transracial), which makes us better than you and probably means you all need to go Check. Your. Privilege.

The bottom four didn’t move at all, liek wtf guys, give me something to talk about.

Honestly, though, our schedule does interestingly matchup pretty fairly as per this week's rankings. The bottom teams-I guess the PC term is “point challenged”-so the point challenged teams in the league this week all will play themselves. So that’ll be real nice, just having a weekend just for them to play against each other so that they can finally feel like winners.

Also Pat is still in last place

Game of the Week

Genderfluid Nonbinary (3-2)

Skittle Monster (4-1)

Line: Genderfluid Nonbinary -1.1

Since getting off to a strong 3-0 start, Joe’s team has struggled to find success in back to back week, dropping 2 straight games. Although he boasts the leagues best receiving duo with the top scoring receivers, AB and Hilton;

Running back and quarterback have suddenly become a problem, like tires for this elephant.

Drew Brees has a lot of bounce back potential against a Carolina defense that could start that Play 60 kid at corner. But Joe will ultimately have to find some kind of answer at RB to maintain title aspirations.

Pat’s roster has been a bit of an inverse of Joe’s. Not that his receivers aren’t good; but clearly solid RB and QB play has been the strength of this team between positional top dogs Ryan, Luck, Elliot, Hyde, Gordon and Riddick.

Skittle Monster is perhaps the strongest team in the league at this point, with top scorers at every position.

This week he faces what I’m now calling a major division rival simply because of the name/logo matchup. These two sides don’t have a lot in common and tensions will be at San Fran/Oakland levels in the tailgate lots for this one.

This game is being played in Primetime on Monday night except it's on the west coast so it’ll be like 4:30/5:00P local time haha fuck those guys if they work.

Hunger Foul

Winterfell Wolves: 79.8 points

It’s especially tough to have the hunger foul when you also lost by the second smallest margin of any team that same week. A lot of Brian’s moves weren’t bad though: Stafford didn’t outplay Dalton and Cobb didn’t beat out Sanders by much at all. Count in 28.9 points out of Sammie Coates (who went through the waiver wire carousel between Nick and Brian last week) and Brian could’ve netted himself 19.3 points in a 7.3 point loss. Brian shouldn’t feel too bad though; if Pat could make his own hindsight lineup changes he could add 21.7 onto his own score.

Waiver Move of the Week

Harrisonburg 21-16

Add QB Brian Hoyer, Drop RB Wendell Smallwood

SCALE 1 to 10:

With Cam Newton out riding a scooter last week, Jacob needed to find someone to plug in at QB. Enter Brian Hoyer. Though he had to drop Smallwood and his awesome last name, Jacob was able to find himself 27.8 points on Hoyer’s 397 yards and 2 TDS. His yards were second on the week, behind only Tom Brady. That Jordan Howard pickup from back in September paid dividends this week as well. Jacob has been finessin and flexin the waivers.

Bad Luck of the Week

Genderfluid Nonbinary

Jeremy Hill

SCALE 1 to 10:

Joe’s already pretty thin at RB. Currently on the Roster: Eddie Lacy, Jeremy Hill, TJ Yeldon and Charles Sims (who is now on IR). That’s 3 starters who split carries and 1 backup who is now not on the active roster. Joe already couldn’t afford injuries to his backs, but what makes this one worse is how entirely possible it is that Hill could’ve gotten Joe the 7 points he needed had he been healthy for the entire second half of his game. Not only did Joe lose a game on this injury, but also he potentially took a hit to his already thin running backs for a week or two…

Week 6 At A Glance

Genderfluid Nonbinary (3-2) @ Skittle Monster (4-1)

A bunch of gender benders vs. a team that always wins, I mean you know, I know it, everybody knows it

BONUS GIF

Winterfell Wolves (2-3) @ Harrisonburg 21-16 (4-1)

Another top matchup this week featuring two of the leagues three highest scoring teams. Hoyer the Destroyer draws another favorable matchup so in all likelihood we could be seeing another big week for Jacob’s Chicago pickups.

Oddly enough, as Cam Newton and especially Jonathan Stewart return to the lineup, they may initially only serve as depth. Brian will rely on a very good pairing of running backs in DJ and Shady surrounded by a solid group of point producers. Marvin Jones

and Zach Miller have been better than expected. It’s a tough matchup to draw either way, in keeping stride with Pat Lockett Drop It or in trying to fight back to .500. Brian will have to avoid his current on then off trend as he faces a team that consistently produces 100+ point performances. +10 if you got the gif recerence.

THE BONE ZONE (4-1) @ Antoine Smalls (2-3)

Chuck’s been off to a hot start again this season.

Once again he’s consistently pumping out 100-point performances to open the year and has the opportunity to start 5-1 for the second year in a row (granted last season he went 2-6 down the stretch to finish 7-7). Both of these teams have found their success on the backs of top 3 QBs.

Larry Fitzgerald has been arguably the league’s best playing receiver thus far in the season as has a top 5 fantasy year so far as a result. Meanwhile, Smalls is still trying to figure out why Gurley and Miller were first and second round draft picks.

This week’s matchup can either solidify Chuck’s already incredible start or catalyze change at the top of the division.

Can I Play Baseball Now? (2-3) @ Dicks Out For Harambe (1-4)

Pat finds himself in an interesting place after an 0-4 start. A win this week suddenly puts him in 3rd place in the division and possibly back into playoff contention.

We’re starting to see the roster Pat wanted back in the August draft, minus the potential return to glory of Patriots tailback Dion Lewis. There’s a lot less red on the roster report each week, but pat is still a ways away. Sam is fresh out of a sloppy week 5

it was like Sumo wrestlers doing Olympic events sloppy

Quarterback has been a revolving door so far, and Eric Decker going on IR doesn’t help; but if QB can be solidified there is plenty of surrounding talent.

Kings of Leon (2-3) @ Mister Meeseeks (1-4)

The good news is, either Nick or Phil will get a win this week :) The bad news is, whoever loses is either in last or next to last :( Phil is coming off of a three game slide in which he average just 76.3 points (31.758 less than the league average over that span). But his team has been improving each week and the return of Carson Palmer (off 2 week rest) could turn things around.

Phil’s roster has plenty of potential; he just needs to see a complete performance. Nick has been on a turbulent path of his own, alternating between wins and losses. His love/hate relationship with Russell Wilson continues to develop