Week 7 - Fun With Relocation

“Man, I really love Vegas.”

- Elvis Presley

The NFL is officially going to try to go to Vegas, Baby!

Mark Davis tells owners he will file for Raiders' move to Vegas

We’ve expected it for a while, but it’s finally officially “in progress.” Welcome to the future guys; football in Vegas, the capital of bad decisions. This is Goodell’s NFL though, his vision is finally taking shape.

Football back in LA, football in the UK, football in Vegas, next we’re gonna play a football game in China (dead serious actually). Now the NFL just has to move the Chargers to LA to complete the screwing over of the Bay Area. Sometime this summer we will decide which us has to relocate to Vegas as well.

Now that all the Vegas talk is behind us we can focus on the true storyline of Week 6: Big Man Football! The 4:00PM slate gave us two excellent feats of Piesman caliber excellence. First with Dontari Poe scoring this touchdown run (since the pass was “backwards” it doesn’t count as a pass)

This isn’t even the first time he’s scored

Then, we got to see something even rarer, Eddie Lacy getting off the ground, without the assistance of a forklift. Solid 3 inch vert coming up…. JUMPMAN JUMPMAN JUMPMAN!

Just beautiful

Glorious

Byron Jones is never going to live this down. HOW DO YOU LET A 5’11” 265 POUND MAN HURDLE YOU!!?!?!??!!?!?!? This man gained 30 lbs in the last 3-4 months and you just gonna let him jump completely over you?! This is what happens when DBs only know how to “tackle” low. The Odell Beckham Kicking Net relationship saga took another crazy turn this weekend

Guess they’re gonan give it a try, see how things work. Won’t be long until we see a bunch of kicking net juniors with blonde jerry curl mohawks running around the New York/New Jersey area. That’s cool, as long as they keep the TD celebrations toned down…..

In case you guys are getting nostalgic for touchdown dances.

I’ve got some hot Asian football celebration action for you

The league average dropped again last week, back to week 2-4 levels. Maybe those big average weeks are just gonna come once every 4, like elections. BTW last week’s redskins game was their last home game before the election so you know what that means…

Redskins rule:

Hillary Clinton is going to win the election because the Redskins beat the Eagles

Last Thursday’s game was another shining example of why football on short prep doesn’t really work. Coolest thing that happened all night was Von Miller punkin out a Bolt fan pregame

ice cold

This Thursday we’ve got the world’s oldest rivalry or some shit between the Packers and Duhhhhhhh Bears. To celebrate, they’re wearing more COLOR RUSH!!! YEAH!!! Lets check out the unis.

Oh, cool…. They didn’t change the jerseys at all. Very NFL, its actually pretty lame the number of recycled jerseys were gonna see in color rush this year. I’m giving these a 2/10 because it’ll look nice, but don’t tell me something is going to be new and cool and just give me the same old same old.

Another Thursday, another great opportunity to waste some talent by giving them just 3 days to prepare for a game.

Without further ado.

Week 6 Review

Genderfluid Nonbinary 92.8 @ Skittle Monster 125.6

Joe’s team is now a perfect example of Newton’s Third Law. As a result of his 3-0 start, Joe has had to balance out the universe and shit by going 0-3…physics. Breezy was the league’s leading scorer in week 6, but the greater core of Joe’s roster really never got going this week. What hurt Joe the most was that a third of his QB’s mega game went to Brandin Cooks. Zeke Elliot had another strong week, but both Hyde and Gordon were hindered by poor offensive play. Despite seeing a slight dip in RB production, PLo was able to coast to victory via the trio of Andrew Luck, Brandin Cooks and Joe’s bad running backs.

More Zeke Hurdles, More Skittle Monster Wins:

Winterfell Wolves 137.3 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 85.2

Brian’s team knows two speeds: slow and Mach 5. This week he followed up a 130-point loss with even more points. Matt Stafford, David Johnson and Shady McCoy all posted 30+ points and would’ve been enough to win this week on their own. Stafford has finally looked like the #1 QB prospect he’s been touted as his entire life now that he isn’t using the crutch of Megatron. Cam Newton tried as best as he could to help lift Jacob but it just wasn’t enough. Jacob’s RBs and WRs did about as much as Joe’s (if you don’t remember it wasn’t much). Too many “off weeks” aligned for Jacob to overcome Brian’s aggressive 90 point trio, Jacob still holds a game advantage over Brian in the standings

Brian’s Turbo Mode was on this week:

THE BONE ZONE 61.3 @ Antoine Smalls 102.6

Charlie learned the hard way that all good things must come to an end, as Swae Lee reminds us in Swang “cash in the air yeah, what goes up gotta come down.” After riding the 100+ point fun wave for 5 weeks (gonna round up the 99.1 in week 4) Chuck came back down to earth in week 6. The 1:00PM slate hit the hardest as Fozzy Whittaker and Jesse James (shout out PSU) managed to combine for only 3.6 points. Topping things off, the star and face of the Bonze Zone franchise, Big Ben, went down early with an injury and is OUT for 4+ weeks (anyone selling you 2 a week turnaround on cleanup surgery like this is a bum clown just as Derwin James). Smalls mustered another just barely 100 point performance on the back of Lamar Miller finally showing what he can do when he gets more then 10 quality touches in a football game. Thought it wasn’t an impressive week, it was more than enough.

Smalls just sat back and didn’t fuck up:

Can I Play Baseball Now? 107.6 @ Dicks Out For Harambe 114.3

Pat seems to have found an exact formula for victory, pumping out a Monday night victory performance in back to back weeks. Sam got decent effort from Tyrod Taylor and Odell Beckham Jr. made this one competitive for a while, but ultimately the Saints keep finding ways to keep TDs away from Ingram and Murray took a step back from his league-leading pace. The Brady to Gronk connection started to heat up for Pat, providing 56.7 points, which was 49.6% of Patler’s score or the week. Christine Michael turned in his second 2 TD performance of the year and then Brandon “my team sucks” Marshall sealed the deal Monday night.

Finally Spike Time:

Kings of Leon 117.9 @ Mister Meeseeks 107.9

The rollercoaster continues for Nick as he follows up a loss with a win for the third straight time (now he looks to follow a win with a loss for the fourth straight time). This week he built his success off of 3 different 22 point performances on his roster, like a less good version of Brian’s roster. James White, Julio Jones and Coby Fleener all turned in big days for Nick while the rest of the roster managed to not screw things up. Phil’s roster had a decent week, churning out a consistent 10+ points at most positions. Terrance West kept things close with a breakout performance but it just wasn’t enough, especially with 19.5 point from Matt Jones on the bench (not that anyone would’ve started him in Phil’s lineup either). Phil’s season now hits a critical point; as he is in the 1-5 power position from last season, let’s see if he can make his 6-1 run now.

Phil came so close, but now he’s in last:

Power Rankings

*as of 10/20 6:00P

As the dust settles Skittle Monster reigns supreme as winner of the first place tie. We all know these rankings are rigged though

I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. Pat’s got the best record and top spot in the overall wins category too; he holds a top 2 rating in every category… so everybody try to kill his team now, alright? Good. Jacob drops just barely to the 2 spot in this week’s rankings. He’s currently a game behind Pat who also owns the tiebreaker and will until at least until week 13. Points leader Brian jumps a spot to claim round out the top 3, he’ll have to survive a week with LeSean McCoy but it shouldn’t be too much of an issue for the King in the North.

After defeating a sluggish Ken Bones, I’m also up a spot into the top 4. Any time you can top a sweater like that you’re gonna get a bump in the rankings, that’s just respect to the swag of Ken “bone thug” Bones.

Speaking of THE BONE ZONE, a rough week leads to a 2 point drop in the polls, but there’s still plenty of hope with the division lead still in hand. I’m gonna cop all that leftover Roc Vodka though to supply some tailgate experiences.

Joe’s quick start shot him up the rankings, but following 3 straight Ls he dropped like Eddie Lacy and now hovers at the 6 spot, providing a nice genderless wall between the top and the bottom.

Nick has risen in the rankings, just like Kings of Leon’s hit album I Miss You. He has a big opportunity this week to break his up and down cycle and work his way towards true rockstar status.

Sam drops a spot to number 8 which is the biblical symbol of resurrection and rebirth, very good omen for a Tebow team I’d say. Tebow stayed out of the news somehow this week, but he did get his first Fall League hit on Tuesday!

Pat finally climbs out of the 10 spot in the power rankings. This is a proud moment for him, he’s finally getting the credit he deserves: 9th place. Phil unfortunately has to catch the big L of filling into the bottom spot in the rankings.

Game of the Week

Winterfell Wolves (3-3)

All White Everything (3-3)

Line: Wolves -9

Following a brutal week 5 loss in an epic high scoring battle with the Skittle Monster, Brian bounced back big time with another 130-point performance, retaining his crown as the league’s current scoring leader.

David Johnson and LeSean McCoy have been machines, and are the top two point-scoring backs in the league.

Matt Stafford has also resurrected his talent and is having a monster season. As long as the injury bug stays away, Brian can start to think about a deep playoff run.

After sacrificing to a variety of ancient powers, I was able to float by the last few weeks by facing teams averaging just 72 points the last few weeks. Sometimes its better to be lucky than good.

Guy I “accidentally took a few rounds early” Derek Carr has been the savior of the team so far this season Throwing for 1600 yards and 12 TDs already. Lamar Miller finally showed signs of life last week, and could finally step up to push a decent core of point producers over the top.

Whiteout conditions in effect this weekend because I’m excited for it and why the fuck not. Sometimes you wear white and games that shouldn’t be close are close

This game is being played in at 4:25 on Sunday in AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK woooo go fox sports go america.

Hunger Foul

Winterfell Wolves : 90.6 Points

Back to back weeks with the hunger foul for Brian, he pretty much lives here. Andy Red Rider Dalton had a nice week backing up another big Stafford performance. Terrelle Pryor matched that exactly (told y’all he would put up QB numbers ;) with a very impressive 2-touchdown performance. Spencer Ware rounded out the 20+ points club, posting his first 100-yard rushing performance of the season. Brian actually could’ve started his bench and won this week, a nice turn around from last weeks losing hunger foul.

Waiver Move of the Week

King of Leon

Drop RB Duke Johnson Jr., Add TE Coby Fleener

SCALE 1 to 10:

Nick’s been looking for FLEX answers for a while and may have found some decent help in the form of TE Coby Fleener. Not only did Fleener come up with 74 yards and receinv touchdown for Nick but he also ran for a touchdown, something Duke Johnson also manage to do for the first time last week. The move gave nick 22 points to insert into the starting lineup and solidifies his depth moving forward with a breakout TE/FLEX option, having gone for 20+ twice this season now.

Bad Luck of the Week

Can I Play Baseball Now?

Dwayne Allen subs in for hurt Jordan Reed, gets hurt

SCALE 1 to 10:

Last week Sam needed a replacement for the banged up Jordan Reed, so he turned to talented pass catching tight end Dwayne Allen from Clemson. Heading into Sunday Night’s Sam had a 0.4 point advantage over Pat with Dwayne Allen vs. Brandon Marshall remaining. After catching his first two targets of the game (Also Luck’s first two attempts of the game) Allen went down with a sprained ankle, missed the remainder of the game and is now out for a week. Had Allen stayed in and caught just a single 2-yard TD or found any other way to get just 6.7 points (~42 yards on 6 catches) Sam would’ve won his matchup. Fantasy is a bitch, then you die.

Week 7 At A Glance

Winterfell Wolves (3-3) @ All White Everything(3-3)

Stafford looks to keep the momentum going vs. the whiteout

Genderfluid Nonbinary (3-3) @ Dicks Out For Harambe (2-4)

Joe is reeling after his running backs have dragged his roster back to earth.

Having only a handful of options available he’ll have to rely on Brees, AB and Hilton yet again to find the bulk of his points this week. Joe still proudly boasts the best special teams in football.

Pat has ridden Tom Brady ;) to success the last 2 weeks and will look to do so again in week 7.

Following Ajayi’s breakout performance Pat is looking to capitalize on monopolies of both the Seattle and Miami backfields. Early wildcard positioning is on the line here, both teams could be eyeing that playoff 6 slot.

Kings of Leon (3-3) @ THE BONE ZONE (4-2)

Nick’s on and off history shows he is supposed to lose this matchup now having won the previous week’s.

Philip Rivers returns to the lineup while this week’s trio of White, Rodgers and Forte will try to present an answer at RB for Nick.

Number 1 WR Julio Jones remains the front man. Charlie suffered a tough setback last week losing the leagues second leading scorer, Big Ben. Fortunately, Rodgers is not a bad option to turn to at backup.

Much like Nick, Chuck is looking for something solid to show itself at the running back position while a solid WR corps continues to keep the team moving.

Harrisonburg 21-16 (4-2) @ Can I Play Baseball Now? (2-4)

Despite a rough loss last week, Jacob still finds himself in prime position, and is only 1 game back of 1st place in the division. He faces a tough challenge in Week 7 though, as three major scorers on his team hit the bye with Carolina.

Still, the roster has plenty of options to step up across the board while the Panthers go soul searching. Sam enters this matchup looking to find anything to support a very promising core of DeMarco Murray and Odell Beckham.

If Ingram can reclaim his touchdowns

or Jamal Charles can find his groove Sam’s roster can quickly become the playoff contender it once was.

Skittle Monster (5-1) @ Mister Meeseeks (1-5)

This matchup is really fun because Pat spends most Sundays watching his fantasy team like

While Phil is usually watching his team like

Fortunately for Phil, with Hyde out, Riddick doubtful and Zeke on the bye, Pat will have to test the full depth of his running back machine. If there’s any week Phil has a shot, this might be it.

Someone on Phil’s team will need to find a breakout performance to take out the top dawg all the way from the back of the pack.

Enjoy the halfway week of the season; we’ll talk all about it next time.

Stay strong, stay active (as an owner, don't go outside and play tag or some stupid shit) and most importantly try to make sure the person you’re playing this week has no fun.

peace out