Week 9 - Someone Please Beat The Lockett Rocket

“I feel blah. I feel like nothing”

- A.J. Green, on tieing

Apparently the odds of a tie happening in back-to-back weeks are 75,000 to 1. Wow! That must’ve been the most historic thing to happen this past week. Of course, it happened on a soccer field too. Peep Josh Norman whining about the refs throwing flags on him.

Looked clean to me… There’s still plenty of time left in the season so you’re team can probably make the playoffs. Worst-case scenario, you can just show up and act like you’re supposed to be there and things will be ok.

2 Australian men pretended to be pro golfers and faked their way into the North Korean Open

Speaking of playoffs

IMPORTANT STUFF ALERT

The playoff format (as agreed upon back in August) is as follows:

1. Each division winner is given a bye (the better of the two getting seed 1, the other seed 2)

2. The second place team in each division will claim the 3 and 4 seeds in the same manner

3. The two remaining playoff spots will go to the two best remaining teams in the league

Tiebreakers are:

1. Head-to-Head record

2. Points For

The ESPN “Projected Playoff Brackett” can't really do wild cards and won't reflect this properly. As the playoffs approach (weeks 10/11-13) I'll keep you updated on the playoff standings and scenarios.

Hope you all had a good Halloween; maybe you even got some cool treats.

Knowing Browns fans it could’ve been a complete accident though:

We had a very special Halloween Trick-or-Treat prank this weekend in Buffalo

Let's get a close up on that

Love that a cameraman (or camerawoman) got a nice specific close-up on it. Some Photog Editor went through a nice long 400 shot camera roll for the quarter and then came across probably 15-20 pictures of just this dildo and that was a big moment in human history.

The magic of Sports Mega Week continued, #blessing us with yet another big man touchdown. This week the Piesman goes to Oakland Tackle Donald Penn, who was cut by the Buccaneers in 2014…. Revenge is delicious

and honestly, they should’ve seen it coming. I mean, cmon

League scoring hit an all-time low last week, you all must’ve gotten as blackout as I did on Saturday, nice

This week, we kick off with Falcons and Buccaneers, woooooo. Another epic color rush blunder this week. Once again, I fully believe the NFL didn’t really plan this color rush thing out because for the second time this season they matched up red on red.

This is what Tampa IS wearing tonight:

Notice it’s the same as last year’s

This is what Atlanta WAS wearing tonight:

This is what Atlanta IS wearing tonight:

Giving these a 0/10 because neither of the jerseys is new and they planned the colors and then didn’t look at the matchups until after the jerseys were made, I guess…. Either way, I’m mainly watching tonight to see if the cannons go off on accident again and watch everyone get scared.

Plenty of talent to see underperform on a Thursday

Without further ado.

Week 8 Review

Skittle Monster 135.8 @ Genderfluid Nonbinary 85.9

PLo continued to roll. Matt Ryan rolled out his usual 27 points and Theo Riddick was lucky running of the bunch to get to go off this week. Solid production throughout the roster solidified another top week for Skittle Monster. Joe tried, but he just really couldn’t stand up to the onslaught that faced him in week 8. Brees had another nice week and running backs finally showed some life but once again the rest of the roster couldn’t quite keep up. Joe has decided to shake things up, as a result, we’ll see how it goes.

How Pat is spending his Sundays:

Harrisonburg 21-16 101.6 @ Winterfell Wolves 91.6

The panthers finally started to look like the 2015 version (which was way better than the sequel if you ask me, better graphic, better multiplayer, better campaign) and Jacob managed to edge out Brian in his revenge rematch. Brian had a rough fall to earth as Stafford, Johnson and Ware all had coinciding off weeks. The Eagles defense forgetting to cover Jason Witten didn’t help a lot either. Brian is having a strong season but remains just out of that important second place division slot

Sweet Revenge:

Can I Play Baseball Now? 92.4 @ THE BONE ZONE 125.1

This was a particularly rough week in the Mark Ingram saga not only did he continue to find ways to not get a touchdown; he came in, touched the ball 3 times, got -2.5 points and took the rest of the day off. DeMarco Murray tried to help before he got hurt, but Sam just never had enough going. Charlie finally got back on track from his Big Ben injury derailment with big time play from his Packers. Go Sconnie.

On Wisconsin, cheese is back in style:

Kings of Leon 75 @ Dicks Out For Harambe 102.4

Aside from his former least favorite player on the roster and almost trade bait Matt Forte, Nick had a very rough go, putting up the league low for week 8. Julio Jones had an unusually poor day, and several other players followed his lead putting up low single digit points. Pat was once again carried to victory by the New England Patriots, who netted him 65.4 points.

Pat’s slowly prepping for a playoff run:

Mister Meeseeks 112.4 @ All White Everything 106.9

Who knew Jameis Winston wouldn’t be able to step it up against the league’s worst pass defense… Or that Derek Carr would throw a touchdown pass to every player on the roster. Life is rough, and although there were once again several pretty decent scoring efforts, a few shortcomings kept the team down. Phil received 2 nice games from Cousins and Cooper in a really big win for his team. Unfortunately, since he is not slated to play me anymore, he has no winnable games remaining on his schedule.

So much potential for scoring, such a beautiful failure:

Power Rankings

*as of 11/3 8:00PM

Pat remains in first place and is starting to pull away in the polls. Might be time to start dreaming of a title.

Holding ground in the spot 2 spot despite a loss this week is Brian, his team finally gave up 1st place in the point’s leaderboard to pat due to a 40-point swing in week 8. Unfortunately, Power Rankings don’t mean shit and Brian is still fighting for the wild card.

Jacob rounds out the top 3 this week. He finally traded away Freeman for scraps in hopes of hitting the turbo and catching back up to pLockett in time for the playoffs.

The middle of the league is clustered as usual with Charlie and Joe currently claiming the rankings edge. Charlie continues to fight off the projections to remain the leader in the Schiwfty division. While Joe has now lost 4 of his last 5 since opening on his 3-game win streak, it's getting tough to keep things together.

I fall to sixth due to putting out 4th place numbers but having 7th place results. Just trying to back my way into the playoffs at this point

and die with dignity.

Nick completes the beautiful mess of teams bunched in the middle, just barely holding on despite a 2 spot fall.

The bottom three of Sam, Pat, and Phil remains unchanged. There are still plenty of opportunities to catch up but in case you didn’t know uhh time is kinda running out

Phil got a win but still holds up the rear

Game of the Week

Skittle Monster (7-1)

THE BONE ZONE (5-3)

Line: Skittle Monster -31.7 (MY GOD)

The Skittle Monster is starting to look ridiculous. Pat currently owns the top 2 QBs, the #1 WR, 3 top 10 RBs (5 in the top 20), The #3 TE, 2 top 10 D/STs, and a top 5 K.

Zeke Elliot has been Pat’s top performer this year.

But 4 other players have scored over 100 points in action for his so far this season.

There’s still a ways to go and much to change before the playoffs and a two-week playoff march in December, but no team is in as good a position as the Lockett Rocket.

Charlie gets to take on the evil empire this week

but he could be the hero we need

Big Ben makes his return to good health, but Rodgers will likely get the chance to smoke the Indy secondary (which was so desperate it signed Antonio Cromartie, remember?)

The RB’s will have to find a way to outdo their projection of a combined 8.1 in order to upset the might Skittle Monster

This game is being played in at 4:30PM even though it's on the East Coast because its AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK! CAWWWWWWWWWW! (that’s an eagle sound)

Hunger Foul

Winterfell Wolves : 89.4

Brian finds himself here yet again, and it seems to flip between positive and negative every time. This week Andy Dalton lead the way in bench scoring as usual. The real difference-makers, however, would’ve been Gillislee, Powell, and Pryor. Their 46.4 points could’ve netted Brian 27.1 points and possibly a win.

Waiver Move of the Week

___________________

SCALE 1 to 10:

There were no waiver moves of note during the last league week. I tried very hard to find one. I had PJ Lightning try very hard to find one. Nothing… sorry. Do better

Bad Luck of the Week

What A Time To Be Alive

Derek Carr

SCALE 1 to 10:

Look Derek Carr went off for some historic 500-yard bullshit and he was on the bench I don’t really want to talk about it. Need something positive to cheer me up…

Ok, that works

Week 9 At A Glance

Skittle Monster (7-1) @ THE BONE ZONE (5-3)

CAN ANYONE STOP THE SKITTLE MONSTER?!?

Genderfluid Nonbinary (4-4) @ Harrisonburg 21-16 (5-3)

This matchup gains a level of intrigue with our big trade news for the week.

These teams swap first rounders, with the compensation of “current Dallas attempt at Wes Welker” Cole Beasley.

If Joe has finally found the RB help he needs, his team can ascend into the top tier of competition

Jacob looks to continue to ride his Carolina success and try out new toy Antonio Brown.

Winterfell Wolves (4-4) @ Kings of Leon (4-4)

There're some potential hurdles for Brian, with Johnson out and McCoy not quite 100%.

The point scoring machine will likely find ways to produce, however, the return of Dez Bryant should continue to pay dividends, meanwhile the Eagles D gets to face Eli.

Nick has swapped out Sproles for Mathews in the last few weeks in a continued effort to find consistent RB points in addition to Forte.

Julio Jones will once again be called upon to keep Nick’s team going as he tries to rebound from a rough week 8.

Can I Play Baseball Now? (3-5) @ What A Time To be Alive (3-5)

Sam and I might both be locked into a “must win” this week. Losses could push either of us into the bottom of the Schwifty division logjam death match.

Sam looks to continue riding a combination of DeMarco and several talented receivers.

Meanwhile, I’m going to give Jameis another chance to make me proud and likely watch Carr shred the Denver D for 4 TDs in a super exciting game or something.

Someone will walk out of here with great positioning and the other will probably be pretty sad for a while, kind of like the election.

Mister Meeseeks (2-6) @ Dicks Out For Harambe (3-5)

The other battle in the Schwifty division logjam death match this week.

Phil could somehow string together 3 wins and throw himself right back into the playoff conversation.

Phil is has found solid QB play from waiver pickup Cousins, but this week will have to turn to recent breakout Marcus Mariota for his chance at a “win streak.”