Week 1 - WE BACK!!!

“Tom Brady and some of the Patriots were out here checking out the eclipse. Heard Brady was excited. Turns out he is a big eclipse guy.” – Mark Daniels, dumbass report of the year

Wow! We made it, time for the NFL season! Let’s real quick check in with Jets fans:

Woof… good luck New York. I wish you many blessings of Hackenberg.

So much has happened since our last season LM note… so much. Let’s take a trip down memory lane.

Free Agency saw plenty of moves; it was a super fun end of March. That’s like the sneakiest good sports time of the year. You get March Madness, NFL Free Agency, AND Lacrosse… Wow! Anyways, one of the biggest was the culmination of the Eddie Lacy saga. He finally ended up in Seattle

Rooting for him to pass those weigh ins and return to old form (put my roster over the top Lacy, please baby). We also got to see Brock Osweiler come full circle as the biggest dumbass in free agency history… welcome home senpai… the prodigal son returns.

Jay Cutler is still garbage but ultimately got rewarded with a job because he’s white and non-controversial unlike the better guy who kneels during anthems (OH NO!)

I’m going on the record here… 0% chance the Dolphins make the postseason with captain trash can frowny face at the helm.

Anyways, the Cowboys have been working harder than ever before, taking things to the next level. This year they went for the NFL record for suspensions and arrests.

Striving for greatness, being the best at what you do, it’s what the Star stands for. FUCK DALLAS!

The preseason brought plenty of drama and excitement. First, the Bills tried to tank harder than the Jets

Then Blake Bortles tried to tank even harder than both of them

As always, the preseason brought us injuries that lead to ignorant fans ranting about the preseason even existed. Fortunately for all of us, most of those injuries were involving Patriots players, likely as karma for all the years of cheating.

Charlie right now:

Wow, football being back all of the sudden. This is all so much to handle.

Top 5 gif generating show on TV btw, fam. It’s basically about nothing, except you watch cheerleaders… essentially it's just an adult version of sorority bid day. “OMG SO EXCITED TO FEEL LIKE IM HOME! I LOVE (insert 3 letters) SO MUCH! #(cheesyhashtag)”

It gave this Dallas security guard the moment of his life though:

But it's finally all behind us. The watching preseason games pretending you don’t have a problem. Reading every random NFL story just because you’re desperate for something new. Watch Hard Knocks and claiming it deserves an Emmy just because it makes you happy that football is close.

Plenty of talent to go to waste on….. wait a minute…. Never mind… FOOTBALL IS BACK BABY!!!!

Without further ado.

Draft Review

Grades

1) Skittle Monster

100% = A+

Another year, another week of Pat being number 1. This grade is likely carried by the QB and RB positions, significantly boosted by getting Melvin Gordon in the 7th round as a keeper. Amazingly, Pat earns the top grade despite featuring two rookie running backs in his starting lineup. If the rookies live up to the hype and the wide outs can stay consistent, another league runner up could be in the cards for Pat.

Gif grade:

2) The Alt Right King

98.3% = A

I promise I got these rankings untouched from FPros (which is how we get roster grades for the power rankings) so no bias complaints plz. This grade rides a great deal on Shady, Crow and Evans all living up to 2016 form. Toss in the historic trend that Cam and the Panthers swing perfectly along the volatility from trash to G.O.A.T. and a big season could be in the books. If the bench lives up to the sleeper hype, I could be fine. If they turn out to be weepers… back to the bottom of the barrel for another season.

Gif grade:

3) Fall Church FOBS

97.1% = A

I’m personally shocked Phil isn’t number one on this list. If you have Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown on the roster there is no excuse to not make it at least to the semifinals… if not further. Toss in Mariota, Rudolph and Baldwin and Phil has potential to keep 4-5 players on his roster this season who finish in the top 10 of their position. He also has a shot at “BEST SPECIAL TEAMS IN THE LEAGUE.” A crown which Joe wore into the playoffs last year.

Gif grade:

4) Harrisonburg 21-16

94.3% = A

It seems like every year now Jacob opens up in the top 5. Captain consistency here. If the RBs come through, this is a scary roster. This is probably the best corps of pass catchers in the league and the bench is stocked with backup plans should RB1 or 2 not pan out as planned. Jacob looks primed for a return to the playoffs after a year on the outside.

Gif grade:

5) Red Wedding

88.9% = B+

Our defending champ opens in the middle of the pack. NBD though, because DJ is enough to carry this roster to wins every other week. If AJ green stays healthy and plays like his old self Brian will win a handful of games off his first two picks alone. Doug Martin is waiting in the wings to push this roster over the top in week 5 and the rest of the bench is full of weapons to handle any potential setbacks Brian could face. Y’all want the crown? MOLON LABE.

Gif grade:

6) What Would Captain America Do?

87.4% = B+

Another year, another wild draft from Charlie. Much like his Always Sunny namesake, Chuck is consistently the draft wildcard. Taking Adams in the first and then Gronk in the second, Charlie will be very boom or bust this season. Rodgers will always be around to make sure Charlie wins games when they otherwise feel hopeless; but, perhaps more importantly, Charlie finally has running backs on the roster this year. Considering he basically won the division playing 2 men down last year, this season should feel like a step down in difficulty.

Gif grade:

7) Preterbinary Boggender

87.1% = B+

Zeke Elliot will be playing week one, so Joe’s gamble might slowly begin to pay off. Either way, he only has to suffer 6 weeks in struggle mode to get back to flexing his full muscle. Joe will look to ride the success of yet another NFC South QB to the playoffs. He’s got plenty of talent in the backfield and loads of potential with his pass catchers. Taking fliers on this rookie class likely wasn’t a bad way to round out the roster at all. Joe is also officially the least racist of us because he drafted Kaepernick, so he has karma going for him as well. Swamp Monster is looking pretty scary tbh.

Gif grade:

8) Kings of Leon

86.2% = B

Lots of risks, lots of possible rewards, for Nick. Brees is Brees, Julio is Julio; we all know the top-level production you’re getting there. From there the picture gets a little blurry though. I’m fully on the Kareem Hunt hype train, that could be the pick of the draft in the long run. Pryor, Gillislee and Eifert offer a lot of boom/bust potential. Each could find their way into the top 10 or outside the top 20 depending on how their question marks shape out. The good news is the bench has more Plan Bs than the top drawer of a sorority girls bedside table. Nick has a lot of potential to rise up and return to the playoffs.

Gif grade:

9) Call Me Big Popp-ah

85.1% = B

Gurley and Hopkins really hurt the draft grade here, only because of how they looked last year. If Goff can complete more than 5 passes and game and Deshaun Watson can do the same, Sam could be problematic for the rest of the league. Stafford will have to play like he’s worth all that money (Hopkins too) but Sam has the core to be playing deep into December this season

Gif grade:

10) O.J. Broncos

83.6% = B

Unfortunately, in the rankings, someone always has to be last place. Pat starts this year like he did last… at the bottom (insert Butler Pirate “bottom” joke). Eventually, Tom Brady will retire and Pat won’t have to keep taking him a round early, until then…… Pat has plenty of top 10 caliber players on his roster. He also has 9 running backs. I’m placing the over/under at 5 for how many of those backs don’t make it on his roster past week 9. Hopefully, the wide receivers don’t get hurt…

Gif grade (if limes were runningbacks):

Power Rankings

*updated as of 09/01 1:00 AM

So, obviously the Power Rankings are just the draft grades, since that’s the only data we have to input right now… Think of these as our preseason rankings. You can see all of the past power rankings on the league site, and NEW to this year I’ll be charting our rankings on a line graph so you can visualize how much your team sucks over time.

Anyways, let’s jump into the fun stuff.

Game of the Week

Skittle Monster (0-0)

Red Wedding (0-0)

Line: Wedding -7.4

Major matchup here to open the season. As always this should have major implications down the line in the Wubalubadubdub conference race. Let’s quickly peep this matchup.

Pat is back with a vengeance this season after back to back Jimmy Parrot Footnugget Cup losses. He features a young running back core which revolves around Melvin Gordon and freshmen phenoms (he hopes) Leonard Fournette and Destroyer of World’s Dalvin Cook. Those 3 will likely be the driving force behind his season and could bury opposing teams if things play out well. Mike Thomas, Alshon Jeffrey, and Jordan Reed are all capable of rounding out the running back trio with their own top 10 seasons. Pat looks fully reloaded and capable of possessing the league’s best roster, running the table for the second year in a row.

Brian will begin his title defense at home this week when his team raises last year’s championship banner high into the rafters. David Johnson is back leading the team and will make Brian a force to be reckoned with week in and week out. Essentially Brian’s team is Hurricane Katrina and your team doesn’t want to be the guy who tells people in New Orleans they don’t need to evacuate. AJ Green and Tyreek Hill have the type of explosive potential that could give Brian a handful of blowout wins this year while Derek Carr, A Rob, and the bench should provide nice underlying consistency.

Breaking down our first GAME OF THE WEEK ™ we have a very special JPFL Network broadcast… Enjoy:

This game is being played in primetime on Thursday night!!! Special season kickoff concert will air before starring: TAYLOR SWIFT AND KANYE WEST

Season Superlatives

Most Likely to Come in 2nd Place

Skittle Monster

Pat won this in a landslide. He is 2/2 in coming in second place, looking to go 3/3 this year. Second place still earns money, so I can’t say it’s a terrible idea. Ricky Bobby and Bono wouldn’t approve though. Congrats on the consistency, Pat.

Most Likely to Have Killed Someone

O.J. Broncos

Phil had a good shot at this since he has the largest margin of victory in league history (beating Sam by 79.9 points in week 11 last season). But then I realized 2 things. First, winning a close game rips out someone’s soul more than blowing them out. Pat has 3 of the 5 (and the top 2) closest wins in league history. Second, O.J. literally murdered someone (*allegedly). So, he really is the one who deserves this award…. Sorry, Phil, prove me wrong.

Most Likely to be Most Active

Kings of Leon

Nick averages 48 moves a year; the next closest is Brian at 44 (in case you’re wondering, Phil averages the least at 10). I also know that Nick works out like 6 days a week minimum. Jimmy Parrot would be proud of that so in honor of the man who this league is named after, Phil gets the nod here.

Most Likely to Trade

Harrisonburg 21-16

Jacob initiated the only trade in league history. This feels like a good time to mention that trades are far and away one of the best ways to win a fantasy league. You can make your team better by 1) grabbing a stud off the wire (not likely to happen) or 2) trading. Hopefully, people will begin to see the light and we’ll have some more interesting trades go through this year.

Most Likely to Fight a Nazi

TIE

What Would Captain America Do? & Preterbinary Boggender

Now, considering Charlie’s logo is literally a guy punching a Nazi, I’m sure some of you are surprised that this is a tie. However; the inhabitant of the gender multiverse have to fight Nazis just to gain recognition from them as basic human beings. So I’m gonna call this a tie. Captain America fights Nazis out of honor, Boggenders fight them out of necessity. 50/50 choice here.

Most Likely to Be a Nazi

TIE

Skittle Monster & The Alt Right King

Hard to pick a winner here. Though the Alt-Right proudly flaunts its national socialist principles and loves to hate the other races who are actively trying to strip away white culture via mechanisms like winning the civil war, twitter memes and rap music; the Skittle Monster is embodied by the biggest hero in Nazi culture since Hitler himself. Another 50/50 call here. If anything you could argue that the Skittle Monster IS the Alt-Right King…

Week 1 At A Glance

Skittle Monster (+7.4) @ Red Wedding

Pat tries to spoil Brian’s banner raising party.

Falls Curch FOBS (-18.1) @ What Would Captain America Do?

Phil rolls out his new look Top RB and WR combo this year while Charlie will lean on Aaron Rodgers to give his team a week 1 victory .I’m feeling lazy right now and the game is on… so here’s a gif I really like. Something, something fall flat…. Wait ok. These teams don’t wanna fall flat week one… NICE. Nailed it.

Preterbinary Boggender (-10.7) @ The Alt Right King

Time to rant. I got royally fucked this week, excuse my fucking French. First, the NFL decides to say fuck it and move the Tampa Game to week 11. Could’ve played the game in Philly or Pittsburgh and raised money for charity in Miami but no, we NEED those ticket sales to go Miami’s front office. Then, the NFL decides to let Zeke play week 1. Because we need to treat people who beat women “fairly.” Good call there, I like to take it easy on people who chokeslam and punch women too. Where would this world be without its proud history rape, slaughter and gender subjugation?! Oh well, no excuses to lose this one, Joe. I’m making extra sacrifices to offset the hand I’ve been dealt.

Kings of Leon (+13.4) @ Harrisonburg 21-16

Nick will probably be up like 30 points after Thursday, but I should know better than anyone that a massive Thursday night lead is never safe. Stay Woke. Jacob is looking for revenge after Nick took his playoff spot last year in the final 3 weeks of the season.

Call Me Big Popp-ah (-11.6) @ O.J. Broncos

Pat rolls out his 9 running back squad this week. He’s gonna need that depth this time considering Ajayi is out and DMC ain’t getting touches week 1 now. Maybe having Brady week 1 will make a difference this time around.