Week 2 - Time to OVERREACT!!!

"I mean, we got our asses kicked. Credit the 49ers Coach (Sean) McVay."

– Chuck Pagano, on losing to the Rams

Well, I hoped you all enjoyed that first week of football. Some of us had a great time at the Eagles Nest watching our real-life teams win and 2/3 of us also got to soak in a fantasy win.

Before I go any further since I’m assuming half of you didn’t watch MNF because your games were decided, please watch this 100 times

Monday night, a man became a god… Can’t wait to get me some more Sergio Dipp action… Could do without the Rex Ryan and Beth Mowins tag team from hell though

Beth Mowins is absolutely the most shit broadcaster of all time. The best part of Penn State finally being relevant again is she never calls our noon kickoff ESPN2 B1G games, that horror is reserved for Northwestern (lol) and Iowa.

Let’s dive into this extra delicious meme filled Thursday night kickoff, where the Patriots tried to troll the league and show off how big their cocks are and how much better they are than all of us only to get their jaws unhinged so Kansa City could crap down their fucking throats. The Patriots got what they deserved when they ran this garbage in the pregame:

Ok, we get it, you did a comeback that one time. This is mildly understandable because New England is the most racist place in the world so maybe Kraft is actually being less of a Republican by trying to get his fan base to come back more often than it calls someone a wetback… I dunno. Eventually, the real action kicked off and we got to watch the GOAT show us how it’s done.

This game would go on to give us some tier 1 level memes. I mean it was fantastic, plus Pat was watching on a delay so I knew all the misery and pain he would go through a good 4 minutes before him. Maybe the Pats shouldn’t have started the Dad from Fresh Prince though.

Or maybe I was right about Gilmore all along and they shouldn’t have let Tyreek Hill track meet them all night. Prepare your bodies for what will absolutely be the best image of the 2017 season….

Just beautiful. That is a gif that will stand the test of time. Either way, it left us with another lasting image of the 2017 season… sad Tom

Let’s move on from our Patriots schadenfreude though. The 1 PM slate on Sunday left us with another fresh round of NFL Memes, which we’ve been so thirsty for these last 9 months. Arizona self-destructed (sorry Brian) and along the way, a Lion's cameraman literally earned rapper level street cred.

Then the Jets showed us that the butt fumble was their truest self

The Browns played perhaps their best divisional game of the last 3 years, coming oh so close to victory. They even pulled off the ultra-rare 3-man domino concussion, AKA the human CTEpede. However, their best efforts weren’t enough.

Still, Cleveland was happier than they’ve been in a long time during football season.

Marshawn Lynch is back and still taking souls.

The 1 PM games closed out with the most anticlimactic goal line stand of all time too. We were all rooting for the Bears to deepen the Atlanta depression… and then:

The day was only getting started though. If you watched all 11 hours of football, like I did, you might’ve noticed this new commercial airing

Only one problem, however… That’s 49ers tackle, Joe Staley… WHO HAS ACTUALLY SCORED A TOUCHDOWN BEFORE!!!!!

SMH Pepsi, this is why you’ll never be as good as Coke. The night closed out with an amazingly abysmal offensive showing by the Giants, who proved that the NFC East is truly a two-horse race.

Since week 1 just finished, I feel like it’s a good time to follow along with the rest of sports media and make some gross overreactions.

With Allen Robinson (RIP fam, I <3 U) out for the year and David Johnson out of commission for at least a month, Brian won’t win another fantasy game until he’s already eliminated from playoff contention. PANIC TIME!!

Nick had 3 of the best fantasy players at their position in week 1, not every week is going to be that good but I’m gonna over react here and say he is this year’s Lockett Rocket. Hopefully every team this year loses its best defensive player so that Kareem Hunt can run wild.

Tom Brady only scored 13 points this week. He is definitely over the hill now and the Madden Curse is yet to come. He will likely tear his ACLs and suffer an aneurysm in the near future rendering Pat’s team rudderless in the doldrums (that’s sailor talk for “going nowhere”)

Le’Veon Bell only managed 6 points against the Browns defense. He’s hit the cliff portion of the plateau that most running backs hit after 3 or 4 years. Having an apostrophe in his name is just too much extra weight for those knees to carry around. Looks like Phil’s team should hop back on that boat and go home now.

Jacob lost the highest scoring game of the week so clearly, he is destined to be this year’s Brian and lose 50% of his games despite going for 110 in each of them.. sorrey fam.

It was truly a great opening week of football. There are still 16 more weeks to come though… that was like the first bite of the first-course y’all.

Plenty of talent to go to waste on a week of short rest and preparation.

Without further ado.

Week 1 Review

Skittle Monster 90.8 @ Red Wedding 129.6

Our JPFL season opener was exactly the opposite of the NFLs… the defending champ actually won. Brian put up a very solid week, anchored by the Rams Defense dropping 30 against the inept Indy offense. Derek Carr was back to his old self, and Tyreek Hill proved he is still capable of putting up a 20-point game once every 4 weeks. Pat suffered a very rough week, with only his stable of 3 running backs able to cross the double digit threshold. Dalvin Cook is a future HOFer (I already knew that) and Leonard Fournette seems to actually care about football now that he’s getting paid to play. However, the rest of the roster didn’t provide enough support on the back end to lift Pat over the second highest score in the league this week.

Unfortunately for Brian, this was a pyrrhic victory of sorts. 5th round pick Allen Robinson is now out for the season with an ACL tear while David Johnson looks to be out a month or two with a dislocated wrist (I don’t even know what that is). If anyone in this league is an expert on losing two top 5 picks to injury… it’s me. So, allow me to speculate here. OVERREACTION time!!! Brian won’t win another game this year…

Brian won, but still suffered major losses:

Preterbinary Boggender 76.3 @ The Alt Right King 88.4

Wow, what a piece of shit game this was. I Continued my proud tradition of winning the lowest scoring week 1 game for the third year in a row. This is actually another explain of me playing 3D chess while the rest of you play checkers. Week 1, you want to win, but you also want to score as low as you can during that win in order to get a better waiver spot for those juicy week 1 waivers. This is college football wise guys; style points don’t matter. Win by 0.1 points or win by 100, as long as you keep winning nobody gives a fuck. Back to the game though…

This was a very ugly game. No one really saw a ton of production but my legitimate excuse is touchdown vulturing. Crowell lost a TD to the Browns WTF decision to run a QB sneak from the 1-yard line while Shady fell victim to double tight end touchdowns from inside the 10. Also, I guess Brandon Marshall is a fucking ghost because Eli ain’t even look his way once. Meanwhile, Joe saw solid production from the top end of his roster, but couldn’t put up a complete game and suffered for it. Four players on Joe’s active roster combined for 11.4 points… woof.

I was sloppy, Joe was sloppier:

Falls Church FOBS 102 @ What Would Captain America Do? 75

Phil put together a very solid week of fantasy football. Though his team was essentially lifted to victory by Mariota and Antonio Brown, he looked very strong for much of Sunday. The Con to having Bell and Brown is you’re rarely going to have a game where both your RB1 and WR1 go off for 20 points but the pro is that you’ll likely never be without a strong showing from both. If the rest of the roster can fill its lower scoring holes, Phil could be looking at a title shot in just his second year of fantasy.

Charlie was on the struggle bus with some of us this week. Though parts of his roster flashed throughout the weekend, he’s ultimately going to need better than 19 points a game from Rodgers to be a title contender this season. Adams was a first round letdown with only 6.2 points, but that can easily be chalked up to the Seattle defense. The good news for Chuck is that he’ll easily be able to rely on that duo for double dips throughout the season. The bad news is that Sunday wasn’t one of those days.

The Asians were operating at high efficiency this weekend:

Call Me Big Popp-ah 106.6 @ O.J. Broncos 78

Sam had a strong week on the waiver wire and it paid off here. Carson Wentz looked like a stud vs the Washington Racial Slurs while the Bills D provided a solid 10-point outing. Gurley was back to form vs. essentially a high school defense in the Colts. Sam also had one of the best WR starting combos this week. His team can excel if it continues to find high-value play form the QB position. Perhaps the Scwhifty division is his for the taking this time around. Pat’s 9 RB rotation took a hit this weekend as Danny Woodhead suffered ANOTHER injury and DMC is pretty much useless until the courts figure out what’s going on with Zeke. AP looked like a 40-year-old running back and Tom Brady looked like a 40-year-old passer. In 2009 Pat would’ve dominated… oh well.

Sam had that rapper swag this weekend, walking away with the W:

Kings of Leon 137.5 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 111.2

Nick was the darling of fantasy week one, holding 3 of the top scorers by position. Kareem Hunt put up the 3rd highest scoring start in league history with 41.2 points... beating out Julio Jones who put up 41 for Nick in week 4 of last year (fun fact, Jones followed up that 41 with a 3.9 the next week, I expect Hunt to do the same against the Eagles) If Nick’s players can keep up this historic pace, he’s set. Jacob played a solid week of fantasy but ran into a buzz saw, there’s not much else to it. Had he played almost any other team he would’ve had a W… life’s a bitch though

Jacob was in good position, but ran into a juggernaut:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 09/13 – 12:00PM

Quick note: I’m reverting to last year’s PR format because recency rankings were giving me fits and I didn’t want to fuck with the juices of the excel god formulas. No real difference though.

Nick has surged to the top of the rankings, following the league’s high score for week 1. If he continues this trajectory he will be ranked -6 next week. Nice. Phil rounds out Tier 1, meaning the two of us with the least experience currently run this league.

Tier 2 is full of teams who won yet could still face future issues. Brian has been hit hard with injuries. Sam is looking for consistency outside of his front 3 and I’m just trying to score touchdowns, please… please, someone, score a touchdown; yards aren’t enough. Please, God, please.

Jacob heads up a grouping of himself, P-Lo and Joe, who all show solid potential but just couldn’t put the pieces together for a week one victory. These teams should definitely find themselves in the playoff hunt, however.

Charlie and Pat bring up the rear. Charlie’s wild card status played out on the wrong side of neutral, while Pat’s 2009 all-star team has not found a time machine.

Game of the Week

Harrisonburg 21-16 (0-1)

Falls Church FOBS (1-0)

Line: FOBS -8.1

Jacob had an unlucky week 1 which could turn into an even unluckier week 2. The rumor in ESPN world is that the downgraded status of Jordan Howard is coming with an inactive marking for Sunday’s matchup with Tampa (Tarik Cohen stock up).

Stafford is facing a tough Giants D this week but Cooks and Nelson should find success against incredibly weak defensive backfields.

Ultimately Jacob has the pieces to find a W here, even if he has to roll with a bench RB. Phil is no easy test, however.

(fuck man, that puzzle would be a bitch)

The Asian sensation is looking to start 2-0 in this cross divisional matchup. Mariota, Bell, and Brown all face incredibly tough tests in the 1 PM slot, however.

If Anderson, Baldwin, and Crabtree can keep up with Jacob’s side of things, this game could really come down to special teams.

We’re going to learn a lot about Phil’s team this week though as Bell looks to bounce back while Mariota and Brown need to follow up their strong week 1 games.

(that gift comes from this masterpiece:)

It’s very likely these teams could post season low scores with the way their point producers matchup. I’m excited about a Big Ten-esque defensive struggle.

This game is being played in Tokyo at 2 AM EST as part of our JPFL global movement (that’s why Phil is the home team).

Hunger Foul

What Would Captain America Do : 62.8 Points

First a quick note about the Hunger Foul, I am no longer allowing someone to win the hunger foul if they won their game. The point of this award is pointing out who left the most food on the table when they needed it, not who got so full they didn’t have space for more.

Charlie beat out Jacob for this week’s hunger foul by 1.5 points… real nail biter there. The real bulk of the damage here was done by Jesse James, who was on Chuck’s bench this week as the league’s second highest scoring tight end. 2 of James’ 6 catches went for touchdowns; but let’s be real, no one was starting him over Gronk. Charlie becomes a legitimate 2TE team after this move, however… work that flex position fam.

Waiver Move of the Week

Red Wedding

Dropped Panthers D/ST, Added Rams D/ST

SCALE 1 to 10:

Brian beat me to the punch week 1, grabbing the Rams defense just minutes before I logged in after getting the Andrew Luck inactive news. This waiver move was fun to see in person because minutes after the Rams game started, Brian was celebrating a defensive touchdown. Really anyone who plays the Colts these first few weeks (maybe the whole year is the rumors are true) is going to see the potential for 30 points off of D/ST. Brian only netted 16 points in this move but that’s like 40 considering it was a D/ST wire swap.

Bad Luck of the Week

Red Wedding

The Injury Bug

Hey, it’s Brian again. This time for bad stuff. Early in Game 1, Allen Robinson, savior of Penn State football went down with a non-contact injury. For those of you who aren't super football savvy, non-contact injuries are THE WORST. They almost always result in ligament damage which almost always means surgery. This was the case for Robinson as he is out for the year with a torn ACL. This is the second year in a row that we lost a WR taken in round 5 to an ACL tear in week 1. A short while later, David Johnson exited the game with a “wrist injury.” At first, we thought it was just a bone bruise or a tweak but then day turned to night and we found out he too suffered ligament damage which means… surgery. Brian is without two of his top 5 picks for a most of our regular season now… Ouch.

Good night, sweet prince :’(

Week 2 At A Glance

Harrisonburg 21-16 @ Falls Church FOBS (-10.7)

Something about VT things and Asians not having a strong history of mixing well.

Skittle Monster (-5.2) @ Kings of Leon

The roster projections were kind of shocking this week as FPros claimed that Nick’s week 1 was simply a flash in the pan. His big point producers face matchups that could go either way. Gillislee should find success against the high school defense NoLa rolls out each Sunday, but Brees and Hunt could go be big or small. Tough to tell. Julio has historically followed up low scoring weeks like his last one with insane numbers, so Nick has that going for him too.

Pat is going with a modified lineup for week 2, benching future Rookie of the Year, Dalvin Cook, for converted WR, Ty Montgomery. Wilson should feast against the SF secondary while the Cardinals are the benefactors of facing NFL legend Scott Tolzien who I most remember as the guy who led the Packers to a tie against the Vikings, back when he was a third stringer. Flashback to a spin move of epic proportions.

Lot’s of 50/50 looks in this game. Might find out if Nick is for real or if Pat can have another strong season… hit this with that MUCH INTRIGUE of the week

O.J. Broncos (-3.4) @ The Alt Right King

The Broncos are in need of a jump start. Touchdown Tommy didn’t live up to his usual standards week 1, luckily for Pat, the Saints are next on the schedule. Ajayi and maybe possibly Beckham are back in the lineup for PBut as well. So, my super awesome good luck of people getting critical components just in time to play me is batting 1.000. Overall, Pat has a set of really favorable matchups to exploit.

The best thing I’ve got going in this game is that Pat and I always play close… That’s what rivalries are all about. Jameis and Mike E face a Bears defense that suffered a huge loss in Jerrell Freeman. If McCoy and Crowell can SCORE A FUCKING TOUCHDOWN, I’ll have hope... if not…. I don’t want to think about it.

New week, new logo, fam:

Preterbinay Boggender (-7.7) @ Red Wedding

Let’s take a quick trip down memory lane to the last time these two teams met. Brian had a nice cushy lead as the game winded down. Joe faced the grim reality that he might be facing a very uphill climb to the playoffs…. Then the Red Wedding happened. Here’s a visual to remind you (note: some week 1 references have been added)

Those five minutes of Fat Rob catalyzed Joe’s run to the playoffs and turned Brian into the beast known as Red Wedding. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Joe should’ve killed Brian that night.

Joe is looking for his Falcons duo to go off like they did in the 1.0 version of this NFC title rematch. They’ll have to do much of the lifting as each of his wide outs will likely be facing tier 1 shutdown corners in their Sunday matchups.

Brian will turn to Theo Riddick to round out his running back corps until Doug Martin comes off of suspension. Carr and Allen could be poised for big games against weak secondaries, but the rest of Brian’s roster is facing average to tough matchups. Brian is going to need to find as many W’s as he can for the next 8 or so weeks, and especially the next 3. A win this week would be huge for his season.

What Would Captain America Do (-1.7) @ Call Me Big Popp-ah

Charlie’s division schedule doesn’t get any easier as he travels to Wubalubadubdub leader, Sam. Still, Rodgers should find tuddies against the Atlanta defensive backfield and Ingram could punch a score in against a reeling New England front seven. Charlie’s gotta roll the dice a few times this season with a 2 TE lineup, but if there are any two to go with, these are the two right now.

Sam’s recent QB switch out leaves him with some interesting choices moving forward. Wentz is a future Hall of Famer though, so you can’t go wrong there. Gurley and Murray could have a tough time running against strong fronts, so Sam will be looking for Cooper and Graham to abuse bad defenses this week. This game can be one by either team on one breakout performance.

We’re almost an 8th of the way through the season. Cherish it while you can. Every week of football is a gift. If any of you happen to be in Richmond, hit me up and we can watch the 1 PM slate together.

Deuces.