Week 3 - LM Note Turns 1 :)

"Sam is OK. He might play one game from now, he might play six weeks from now. Either way, he’s fine”

- Mike Zimmer on Sam Bradford

Uhhh, hey Mike, you might not know what “fine” means. If he’s gonna miss six weeks he isn’t fine. Sam Bradford could’ve been a Hall of Fame level QB if 1) he had the same team for more than 2 years and 2) he didn’t have worse knees than Butler. Sammy Sleeves has all the potential in the world, which is why he is easily one of the most infuriating guys to have on your real-life team, lemme tell ya.

Week 2 is officially in the books. We’re 2/3 of 3/17 into season right now… WOW!

Happy one year birthday to the LM note... not gonna celebrate with a gif or anything. gonna act like I've been here before.

Week 2 was pretty cool I guess. The Eagles found NEW AND EXCITING WAYS TO LOSE!

That was the exciting part… and the onside kick… This was the new way to lose

Don’t throw that pick off of a lineman’s helmet and maybe the Eagles beat the best team in football. I’ll settle for a 7 point loss (LOOKING AT YOU PATRIOTS LOL BITCH BOIS). Bets thing to come out of Kansas City this week though…

New meaning to “I’d hit that!” Let’s rewind to Thursday night for a second, when the Bengals managed to be the second team to go without a touchdown in the first two games of the season since…. Hey, it’s the Eagles again… old and less exciting ways to lose. The last team to not score a TD in its first 2 games is the 1939 Eagles. What a time to be alive.

Bengals offensive coordinator lost his job for that… They’re gonna hire Bill Lazor who used to coach for….. you guessed! THE EAGLES!!!! Oh man, the Eagles. At least we get the Giants next week.

Eagles gonna sneak into the playoffs, just watch, and they’re gonna have a pass to run ratio of 10:1 on their way there. Hello English teachers of the world, I just used all the version of “there” in one sentence. I AM YOUR GOD!!! The early slate last Sunday also gave us a very nice Bleacher Report update, not that anyone of value uses Bleacher Report a.k.a. the king of slideshows and “look at all the clicks we get please advertise with us!!”

Lets move on to 4 PM… We had good running backs:

(We missed you Beast Mode) and bad running backs:

Sorry, that’s offensive to Frylock, he doesn’t beat women. That NFC Championship rematch lived up to the hype… except for all the times when it actually didn’t.

Obligatory, best thing caught on camera in week 2 ;) (this will hopefully be a recurring segment)

The league’s scoring these last 2 weeks has been at an all-time low. Probz because the NFL is having the exact same issue. Our league usually doesn’t see a scoring dip like this until weeks 10-12. The good news though, is that Week 3 is historically a solid week for all of us… except for Nick and Phil. Phil’s team is oddly very consistent in scoring with a random drop in week 3. Nick is the same except for random 4/5 week internals of falling off a cliff (weeks 3, 8 and 12). The only person who consistently performs well week 3… Me. HAHA FUCK YOU GUYS! Now I’ve jinxed myself, dammit.

As a whole. The league is seeing significantly increased scoring percentages from Defenses (up 2.21%), while Quarterbacks and Receivers are most notably down (down 1.11% and 1.34% respectively).

Week 2 also meant that COLOR RUSH IS BACK BABY!!!

This week we got a nice Mustard yellow vs. Black Live Matter Black. Delicious.

Looking ahead to this Thursday, there’s plenty of talent to go to waste off of a short week of rest and…. LOL THESE TEAMS SUCK, WHO AM I KIDDING? 3 DAYS WOULD’NT HELP!

Without further ado.

Week 2 Review

Harrisonburg 21-16 58.4 @ Falls Church FOBS 126.3

Jacob had the 4th lowest scoring week in JPFL history. Had his defense scored just 0 points, he would’ve avoided being in the top 5 and the hall of shame. One’s man’s famine is another’s feast. Jacob’s hall of shame moment led to Phil posting the 4th largest win in league history, with a 67.9 margin (Phil also holds the league record for MOV, beating Nick by 79.9 points last year… Sam beat Phil 7 weeks earlier by 71.1 points for second place btw). Anyways, most of Jacob’s team did the bad stuff while 2 of Phil’s players did the good stuff. My Calculations show that leads to a big-time win for Phil. This is the Second time an Asian has massacred something having to do with Virginia Tech.

JK I’m not using an active shooter gif

Skittle Monster 138.6 @ Kings of Leon 119

An epic high scoring game here. In a week filled with revenge, Pat finally got some regular season payback on Nick. Nick didn’t put up a bad week here, his roster just came out too top heavy to compete with consistent scoring across the board from Pat. Sitting Dalvin Cook turned out to be the difference for the Lockett Rocket.

Nick thought he had put Pat to rest years ago…

O.J. Broncos 105.6 @ The Alt Right King 94.3

Pretty much Pat having Tom Brady won this game for him. Unfortunately for Pat, as he always keeps ignoring me saying, Having TB12 carry the team is enough to bet my sorry week 2 roster… HOWEVER, it will never be enough to win our fantasy league. I promise. Good luck beating Brian, Pat, Nick, and Phil without any tier 1 running backs. I should’ve looked at the NFL schedule before making ours and not put myself against Pat the week Tom got to go against the Denbigh JV Football defense (that’s the team who lost to Dinwiddie 70-0 this high school season… little HSFB humor for Y'all). I really put this on myself. Next time I’ll be wiser when making the schedule. Eventually one of my running backs will SCORE A FUCKING touchdown and then… The ceiling is the roof.

Pat has thoroughly embedded himself in the TB12 backpack:

Preterbinary Boggender 95.3 @ Red Wedding 105.3

This was a rough week for Joe because the points were there. He would’ve had the 5th biggest hunger foul ever, but we’ll get to that tomorrow. On the theme of revenge, Brian finally got his sweet payback for last year’s Red Wedding (even though he’ll have to see Joe again, on the road, in week 9). Joe’s Atlanta connection came up big, but the scoring pretty much starts and stops there. Also, Greg Olsen is out for the season, so Joe will be forced to roll with… oh never mind Dallas Clark is actually good. Brian really won this game in the little points his small-time players of the week found that Joe’s couldn’t. Theo Riddick > Zeke by 1.0, A.J. Green > T.Y. Hilton by 2.3, Tyreek Hill > Greg “Third Leg” Olsen by 5.4, Will Lutz > Justin Tucker by 3… That’s how you find a 10 point win in fantasy. Also here’s a little treat for those of you wondering where that Greg Olsen tidbit came from. ABSOLUTE MUST LISTEN. “This song, in its entirety, is not meant to disrespect any women, in its entirety.”

The North Remembers

What Would Captain America Do 93.4 @ Call Me Big Popp-ah 93.1

I told you we had a lot of record setters this week. This was the closest game in JPFL history. It barely beat out Pat’s tantalizing week 14 loss to Jacob by 0.1 points. This game was super exciting though. Who would’ve thought LeGarrette Blount’s 0.5 day would’ve given Charlie the edge over Jimmy Graham not finding one more catch against the ultra-bad Niners. These teams had everything from 20 point showings, to square root performances (less than 1.0)

Did Charlie win this week?

Power Rankings

*updated as of 9/20 11:30P

Brian has risen on an exact linear equation of Y = 2X + 5 this season to reach the number 1 spot in the power rankings. He leapfrogged Phil, who held strong at number 2 this week. Phil is held back by his drop to 4th in the points for category.

Nick suffered a minor setback, dropping to 3rd overall in the rankings. He does, however, hold the top spot in points scored, overall wins and consistency… so he probably shouldn’t be too worried. He’s closely grouped with P-Lo who is climbing back up the power polls following a big week 2 showing. A sight familiar to us all, Pat has the top roster rank still.

Our next grouping becomes a bit less clear and defined. Sam leads the middle of the pack at 5th. He has the most points and best consistency of the playoff bubble group, which are great assets to keep on the books moving forward. Pat jumps to 6th following a big divisional win. He has the most overall wins of the group, but reaching for Brady

(everyone just agree that it was a reach in order to make fun of Pat more) has hurt his roster scores. I follow up the two of them, just outside the current playoff picture. While my team lacks in positive consistency (note: my teams scoring is the most consistent but not in a good way, so, the consistency sore is lowest because you’re consistently bad, which is worse than occasionally great) I make up for it with a strong roster score.

Charlie is in a league of his own (two movie joke references at once, high five if you could name them both). He’s the lowest scoring team this year but has a win to step over the ACTUAL bottom feeders.

Jacob’s strong week 1 bumps him over Joe, allowing him to bottom out at 9th instead of 10th. Joe may be the only doctor in the group but he’s in last place so he should probably put less time into school and more into fantasy football…

Game of the Week

Falls Church FOBS (2-0)

Red Wedding (2-0)

Line: FOBS -13.8

What a treat we have this week. The top two teams in the league standings get to go head to head. Both teams lead their respective divisions and have a lot to lose early in the season.

Nick has quite a few positive matchups playing towards his bigger point scorers. Bell and Brown should find decent points against a reeling Chicago D, while Crabtree will be looking for more FADE PASS TOUCHDOWNS against a Washington Defense that still hasn’t found its CB2.

Mariota will likely ride the pine vs Seattle meaning Carson Palmer will have to figure shit out this week against a Dallas defense that made Trevor Siemien look like he knows what passing is. If Anderson and Rudolph can round out the back end, Phil will definitely put up a fight against our current league leader.

Brian is looking for ways to win while he waits for Doug Martin to come off suspension. Once that happens, the loss of David Johnson will be much easier to manage. Ultimately, Brian is the new “guy who drafted Zeke” this year in that he just needs to survive until his big boy running back is alive and well.

Carlos Hyde and Buck Allen will face formidable front 7s this week but the rest of Brian’s roster is littered with good matchups. Derek Carr should tear up the porous Washington D (watch out for the bad tradeoffs if he throws to Crabtree). Green and Hill face defense that can’t couldn’t cover spilled milk with a roll of paper towels. If Brian wins this week, it’ll be hard to see him facing problems down the road. This is really his biggest hurdle aside from Nick in 3 weeks.

Who will come out on top in the battle of the big boys?!?!

This game is being played in Prime Time SUNDAY NIGHT ACTION. HIT THE MUSIC BITCHES!!!

Hunger Foul

Call Me Big Popp-ah: 90.6 Bench Points

Another record book performance here. Joe would’ve posted a top 5 hunger foul day (I’m considering giving him his Hall of Shame plaque anyways) If Sam didn’t decide to push it the next level. Sam’s roster outscored his bench by just 2.5 points. The worst part about this hunger foul is that he could’ve made just about any positional switch available to his roster and won the game. They are as follows: Wentz for Rivers, White for Murray, White for McCaffrey, Kamara for Murray, Kamara for McCaffrey, Crowder for Cooper, Crowder for McCaffrey, Maclin for Cooper, Maclin for Hopkins, Maclin for McCaffrey, Henry for Graham, Henry for McCaffrey, Bills for Chiefs. Any of those 13 bench swaps win the game for Sam… that’s unbelievable luck.

Waiver Move of the Week

The Alt Right King

Drop Samaje Perine, RB – Add Chris Carson, RB

SCALE 1 to 10:

I knew this would happen the moment I drafted Samaje because it happened to me last year. I took a low pick flyer on a high ceiling low floor RB just in case something happened and he became the starter. Last year it was Jerrick McKinnon because “You guys, Peterson is totally getting hurt again.” I dropped McKinnon a week before he was named the starter… smh. This year, Samaje looked like he would be a starter but after week1 it appeared he would need a few more weeks for that to happen. I dropped him. This week he received starter reps… exactly one week after I dropped him… Why does this keep happening to me? I don’t know. Good question, Thomas. At least I got another starting RB back in the process so it’s all a wash. Also, there weren’t any immediate dividend waiver moves of note and I didn’t feel like sifting through so-so D/ST swaps to find which was the “best.” So, I told this story instead.

Bad Luck of the Week

Harrisonburg 21-16

58.4

Go for a top 5 low score of the week and you’ll earn this honor... Where do we even begin here. Keeper pick, Jordan Howard, went for 0.7 points before being found in a sling post game. Jordy Nelson left the game during drive one and never came back. Golden Tate caught 4 of 4 targets in an offense that only attempted 21 passes week 2. Matt Stafford was a bigger hit in that 21 pass game plan. Cooks was essentially the only Patriots player to not catch a TD on Sunday, and the Jags D allowed 37 points because they suddenly weren’t playing against the Houston offense. Rough week fam.

Week 3 At A Glance

Falls Church FOBS (-10.5) @ Red Wedding

The league’s best face off in a battle of Goliaths. Hopefully, round 2 is better than last year’s initial meeting because…

O.J. Broncos @ Kings of Leon (-3.5)

FUN FACT: if the season ended today, this would be a wildcard playoff matchup.

Pat has great matchups at the top of his lineup while the other 6 faces 50/50 looks. He needs somebody besides TB12 to flash some points to start feeling even better about his playoff chances.

He’s been slightly worse than the league average when playing in week 3, that trend will need to change to beat a top 3 team in the JPFL.

Nick is hoping to avoid last year’s week 3 letdown with a big out of conference win.

Kareem Hunt draws a nice matchup against the Chargers (who are still missing their starting MLB I believe). The rest of Nick’s roster faces defense units that could tip things either way. If Hunt and Gillislee continue to be top 10 backs, Nick should cruise to the playoffs.

This week will begin to give us a picture of how strong these supporting casts truly are.

What Would Captain America Do @ Skittle Monster (-10.7)

Charlie rolled out the rare 2 TE roster lineup to decent success last week. He has since decided to opt-out of that policy.

Frank Gore looks to get the FLEX start this week against the Browns defense, while Gronk rolls in the TE1 slot. If Blount or Ingram can get going, Charlie’s team could become a formidable playoff contender.

He’ll have to get through Pat first though.

Pat is running with his week 2 lineup of Ty Montgomery over 3RD LEADING RUSHER IN THE LEAGUE DALVIN COOK.

I’ve already said this, but Pat will win a lot of games this year with his 3 running back rotation alone. Russell Wilson might finally be able to score points against the Tennessee defense… then again, it's Russell Wilson.

Pat will still benefit from Alshon catching 2 TDs against the Giants D though.

Call Me Big Popp-ah @ Preterbinay Boggender (-3.8)

Sam suffered the most excruciating loss in league history last week, but as I’m writing this Gurley just scored so maybe that’s a good omen for Samwise.

Sam boasts a running back trio rivaled only by PLockett right now. They will be the crux of his lineup against Joe this week.

Joe is in desperate need of a win. I don’t think anyone has ever made our playoffs after starting 0-3.

I made it after going 1-4, but Joe isn’t me… unless there is some new gender that allows you to identify as another person… that would be a mind fuck.

He’ll need Zeke to start trying more though if he’s going to find a win against Sam’s strong team this week.

The Alt Right King (-0.8) @ Harrisonburg 21-16

If Jacob could throw up another 58.4 that would be reeeaaaall nice.

Week 3 has always been a nice bounce back for me. Look for me to absolutely not continue that trend this year. I’m averaging 126.7 in week 3, Jacob is going at 131.2… FUCK ME…

that’s mainly due to his insane 148.7 point showing back in 2015. Look for this to be the highest scoring game of the week or some shit due to historical trends that technically have no correlation from year to year.

Lot’s of intriguing matchups this week (guess where I'm going with the gif here). Panthers taking on the Saints, Miller vs NE, Nelson vs the Bengals and Crowell vs the Colts. Hit this with the MUCH INTRIGUE OF THE WEEK.