Week 4 - I Call Dibs on Saquon Next Year

"I'm tired of watching it for two years, just garbage. We've got to figure it out."

– Adam Gase on watching the very bad Miami offense.

Wow, what a day of football… Oh, I’m talking about Saturday, not Sunday.

Fucking erect.

Let’s move on to the Hot Topic of the week though. NFL players protesting the president saying they shouldn’t protest that cops kill black people… This segment is being called protestception.

Errrbody was taking a knee this weekend, even Jerry Jones.

Even white people

Even… Ray Lewis (this is the best meme this week, prepare your bodies)

Donny was very very mad this weekend. Very mad, at both sides, really on both sides, just very mad. It was the best anger ever, everyone–the experts–everyone agrees

Makes me miss the good ol days

Hopefully, none of you are openly projecting your closet racism by telling us all how much you’re boycotting the NFL…

Let’s move on to some actual football though. Dak Presckotte (I don’t give a fuck how to actually spell this bum’s name) did something Tony Romo would’ve died attempting.

We also had to hide the Jaguars actually being good by placing the game exclusively on Yahoo.com

Also, Shannon Sharpe had a meltdown on FS1, we got a meme out of it tho.

The Falcons and Lions played a game with an ending that left us all like:

Some other stuff happened and whatever… let's move on to the obvious HIGHLIGHT OF SUNDAY!!!

The Eagles hosted the Giants, some plays happened, some tuddies were scored… but then….. With 1 second left, Jake Elliott lined up for a 61-yard game-winning field goal…

Let’s relive that glorious moment

I literally had 2 heart attacks this weekend so don’t even give me shit about this part being late this week.

Now feels like a good time to remind you guys that before I even begin the LM note, I completely update our league website. The standings page is made current. The stats page gets a fresh new batch of weekly data and even your owners pages get their stat updates. Definitely, take the time to check at least the stats page and your owner page if you haven’t yet. Lot’s of good tools to use there.

Anyways. We still haven’t had a week where the league has averaged as many points as it did in either of the previous years. WTF guys, step it up, I can’t carry you. JK, my team is ass. At least I have normal football to keep me from caring (at least for now… fuck me fam this is brutal being in the playoff hunt, I’m going to die from football this year)

We’re about to turn the ¼ mark of the season fam. The good news… wait this is bad news… The league has dropped off its point total significantly in week 4 every year sooo….. your teams will be looking like mine usually does I guess.

Another Thursday, and color bukkake of NFL jerseys.

LOL, check this out. I can use the same promo from last year because it's gonna be the same teams in the same jerseys…

see:

Plenty of talent to go to waste on a short week of rest and preparation this Thursday

Without further ado.

Week 3 Review

Falls Church FOBS 109.7 @ Red Wedding 99.9

WOW! This GOTW lived up to the hyped. Carson Palmer did exactly what he needed to do in order to win the game for Phil... hey Carson, you can throw a couple of TD for fantasy but not beat the man who threw a couple of fists into his girl’s face... It almost like Phil bribed Carson into “corruption. FUCK IT, commish powers, I’m going to NCAA your ass like the FBI did to ADIDAS. Phil, check your phone records bitch, this is for real (for fantasy). GUESS WE ALL KNOW WHAT THE BOTTOM LINE WILL INCLUDE NEXT TIME I POTS A VIDEO (shh its gonna be next week).

This looks like a job for:

O.J. Broncos 94.9 @ Kings of Leon 80

Hey, Nick, I wanna speak to you directly in these toughest of times. Yeah, we may be a VERY VERY disappointing 1-2 … but it's time like this we have to look at ourselves and say “MY REAL LIFE TEAM IS GOOD!” so… I dunno if you’re really into Tech football like that or not, but this is a good time to get started. Unless you get spanked by Clemson, then never mind. But, hey, your NFL team is doing…. wait, whoops. Stop subscribing to the church of Butler. Pick a team at each level of football and join those of us who are unburdened by the luck/skill weights of fantasy. Come to the good side, don’t give into the dark arts of “never having a team to have heart attacks over.” I know Pat convinced you otherwise; but, he’s a Patriots fan and those people are synonymous with cheating so FUCK THEM! If kneeling in support of people who don’t think the constitution should be abused to killed dark-skinned people is “having real-life fandom” then racism is the equivalent of “I root for only the Patriots because the NFL is the best.” Trust me, New England is the capital of American racism… I’m your friend, not your enemy here.

Here if you need me, Nick

Call Me Big Popp-ah 106.1 @ Preterbinary Boggender 103.5

Sam got his unholy revenge for last week’s close loss by breaking Joe’s back with another JPFL classic. Fortunately, Joe is a doctor. Sam got the blessings that fall upon someone when they come and pay their respects to the LM… buy me drinks bitches it’s a proven science. So, I expect him to surgically heal his spine in time to make the playoffs. Short write-up, I know, kneel over it bitch.

Mailed this one in:

\What Would Captain America Do 97.3 @ Skittle Monster 121

Umm yeah, we need to terminate Pat’s 3 Rb approach from now on. Like he’s becoming the Rocket Man of this league… We’re all functioning under a defect league leader while living in the constant peril of having our teams decimated under the nuclear force of a 4 dynamo RB team. Time to put up economic sanctions.

(Lockett) Rocket Man prepping for dominance like

The Alt Right King 69.69 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 123.1

Hey so… I rounded my score up 0.09.. don’t disagree or you’re lame. Jacob posted the highest score this week and just as I proclaimed when I hexed myself last week… I scored the lowest. The folks up north don’t call me Nostrathomas for nothing. Ill lose every fantasy game by 100 in exchange for a championship berth…Umm, I would give a more detailed breakdown but I’ve been slammed while writing these (Jack Johnson was lit yall) so I’m gonna leave it at this. My team cannot be blamed for shooting for a perfect 69 but Jacob’s team was looking for something more aggressive than that… I’m filing rape lawsuits tomorrow.

Push me to the edge, all my team is dead (Penn State is all I have left to live for)

Power Rankings

*updated as of 09/27 5:40P

Let me be the first to say that the power rankings are just a figment of our thirst for “yeah but…” statements. I'll let the stats speak for themselves because quite frankly I don’t want to give you a breakdown “Thomas sucks but the roster ranks say otherwise.” OH< YEAH… WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THAT BEFORE… Last season if you didn’t get the joke, the answer is “with the same owner last year.” My team is good: but really its bad. See Y'all at the beer mile I’ll be running while wearing filming myself a PSU NC shirt or a “hey the Eagles finally made the playoffs” sweater. Because my team is now a fantasy sacrifice to the Gods of Fall Ball and I really need this… please just let us win, please.

Game of the Week

Fall Church FOBS (3-0)

O.J. Broncos (2-1)

Line: FOBS – 11.3

Phil’s team is full of the power of Azian Persuazian.

As long as the killer B’s keep doing their thing, Phil will be laughing his way to the playoffs in Falls Church. Unless your office was the one that our northern reporters told me got shot up today. Google it if you’re not privy fam. No lie I was like oh.. that’s where Phil works… OH SHIT THAT’S WHERE PHIL WORKS. Shooting sorrows.

This is just a reminder to put transfer of fantasy owner powers into your will soon. Mine goes to Keep, so he can finally be an owner if you were wondering.

Oh, hey; I’m supposed to talk about Pat’s team now. Uh, in order to not get pissy texts from Pat… Let me be the first to tell you that Ajayi is the best back in football. Tom Brady was not a reach, and I expect Pat to win the league (fuck, I just reverse reverse hexed that didn’t I?).

Well, might as well go all in now. LOL, you thought drafting 9 RBs was a dumb idea, well, yeah fuck you.

Pat is 2-1 and he ain't gonna stop anytime soon. GE stands for Getting (E)wins so pat is gonna win his way through this league from now until December 26th-ish. DEAL WITH IT

This game is being played at 4PM so my hungover ass can watch it, go Birds.

Hunger Foul

Kings of Leon: 104.1 Bench Points

Um, this text I got Sunday afternoon sums it up. Listen, I’m not on the Butler Pirate payroll (peep this FBI) but this is some easy preminiscient shit. God with a reference like that I’m gonna have to leave a “this is what happened in sports news” summary for you FANTASY ONLY folk in the sign-off… fuck. Making more work for myself like a boss. Anyways, last week I thought we set a bar that wouldn’t be reached until November… Nick jumped over that bar like he was Pat Butler pre ACL mishap(s). Usually, if anyone was handling a bar with such aggression I’d assume it's me or P-Lo but god damn, Nick. You put our asses to shame. Gonna have to rink my weight in liquor this weekend to make it up for the newly appointed Hampton Phantom destroying the benchmark this weekend (DAD LEVEL PUN THERE… TEXT ME IF YOU GOT IT)

Waiver Move of the Week

Red Wedding

Drop TE Coby Fleener, Add QB Kirk Cousins

SCALE 1 to 10:

This was a stellar move for Brian actually. Thought Coby Fleener is currently a top 10 TE, Kirk “I’m leaving Washington after this season” Cousins, won him the game this wee– oh wait, what’s that? OH.

Kirk Cousins went off this week… on Brian’s bench. He absolutely tore apart the Raiders, and Brian went with Carr. I’m not trying to make fun of Brian for this because 10/10 of us would’ve done this. Like no one saw that Sunday nighter playing out the way it did. But when shit happens, it happens, and I get to make you feel bad about it in this post so… sorrey.

Bad Luck of the Week

Preterbinary Boggender

2.6 Points

Wow, last week Joe put up a top 5 worthy Hunger Foul, then this week he loses a top 5 close game in JPFL history…. And he’s 0-3. If you need further explanation then you’re probably next in line for this award. Sorry, Joe. You might need a brand change like me…. (peep the new name and logo tomorrow… big reveal)

Week 4 At A Glance

Falls Church FOBS (-10.5) @ O.J. Broncos

A battle of minorities and division foes. Winner gets to claim first place in the Wubalubadubdub

Skittle Monster (-12.2) @ Harrisonburg 21-16

Jacob is looking to take a major step forward in the division this week. Stafford and Cooks are starting to piece together very nice seasons and will need to be the driving force early on this season in getting his playoff chances back on track.

This week he takes on the Cradle of Running Backs, Pat Lockett. Pat boasts 5 of the top 10 running backs in fantasy currently. Trade bait, what? Pat hopes to put away his divisional rival this week and possibly take over first place in the Schwifty. If the cards fall right, Jacob could find himself in a tie atop the division as well.

Red Wedding (-2.1) @ What Would Captain America Do

Brian suffered his first loss of a tough to handle early season that he is facing. 2-2 wouldn’t be a bad start considering his circumstances, but 3-1 is significantly better. If Carlos Hyde can continue playing at his current level, Brian could be a strong team despite the injury bug coming at him in full force.

Charlie needs a win to get back on track in the Wubalubadubdub division. Aaron Rodgers is a stud at home, especially vs the Bears, so he really needs to take advantage of this week. If Gronk can continue as the league’s best tight end, his team will find wins this season and be in the mix come playoff time. A big out of conference win would help him a lot though.

Kings of Leon @ Preterbinary Boggender (-19.2)

Nick is on a skid after his big week 1. His roster is still incredibly strong though and should get back on track anytime. He still has the best RB and WR in the league so there should be plenty of optimism on his side.

Joe is looking to overcome his 0-3 start to make the playoffs. Last year, Butler started 0-3 then going 1-3 and managed to be in the hunt until the last Monday night of the regular season. Joe really needs a win this week though. 0-4 is damn near impossible to overcome in just 9 weeks, he’d essentially need to win out or drop just 1 game over the final stretch of the season. His Atlanta connection has serious carry potential though, he shouldn’t hit the panic button just yet.

Call Me Big Popp-ah @ Saquon Barkley For Heisman (-14.5)

New Week, New Logo

Huge divisional game for me here. Sam has a strong shot at the 2nd place AQ slot for the playoffs but a win by me this week could blurry the picture big time, especially if paired with the right results across the division. I’m learning from last year’s mistakes and shaking up the lineup big time early on. This probably means the everyone I bench in return will go off. Oh well. Penn State and Philly keep winning and I’ll lose I don’t care. Sam has a big VT game to worry about this weekend, so hopefully, he’s preoccupied and won’t be focused on fantasy. Fingers crossed fam.