Week 5 - Is Everybody Bad or Is Phil Good?

"It’s almost like the Chargers got 16 away games. It’s going to be tough sledding for those guys."

– Jason Peters, on the astounding lack of home fans at attendance for the Charger's sell-out game last week.

Last week’s Monday Nighter was amazing in Vegas… The final play of the game flipped both the Spread and The Over/under bets on their heads.

Lots of money was lost that night ;) Thought and Prayers with anyone who lost money… Oh, BTW, look how classy Andy Reid is calling this time out with his pinky.

Not trying to start a conspiracy or anything here, but the bird people are real..

Thumbs down New York fan is the new official state logo of New York

Just as we all thought, the Jets off to the best start in New York.

Alright, a few league rule updates:

First off, I will be lessening the regulations on fighting water coolers

Second, Rock, Paper, Scissors is now illegal

And smelling salts are now MANDATORY!

Last week we learned just how deeply anime has embedded itself into popular black culture

Also, South Park may have done the same to white people.

I’ve thought these Rams helmets have looked bad with the jersey since the preseason… I’m glad to know I’m not alone

not the worst fashion incident of the weekend though

Also, I’ve developed a few new theories

Stay Woke

These are a strange and new times:

oh hey, Pat!

League looking… ok. It’s not great tbh, but we finally beat a week from a previous season, so scoring is getting better (up form “worst of all-time” to “almost worst of all-time” The two best records in the league now belong to the Wubalubadubdub division. A lot of the wild card and second place races are still very close though, due to an aggregation of the wins amongst 2 teams. Don’t give up hope just yet.

It's Thursday. The day Color Rush creeps up behind you, sticks its tongue in your ear and says, “let’s get it on.”

The Patriots will represent the racism of the region by wearing these “whites only” uniforms:

While the Buccaneers will be rocking last year’s all red look. Hoping these still have some “Mike Evans 3TD magic” left in them.

Plenty of talent to go to waste on a week of short rest and preparation:

Without further ado.

Week 4 Review

Falls Church FOBS 112.9 @ O.J. Broncos 95.8

Phil is an unstoppable being of Pittsburgh Steeler and soul-eating chaos. Phil is 4-0 behind his first two picks, and they’re yet to even really go off in the same week. Mariota might be down for a few games, so Phil could finally face his first adversity of the season. He has a bye this week.

Pat’s 7 deep RB squad managed 20 points amongst all of them. The difference in this game was that while Tom Brady beat Carson Palmer by 4 points, Phil’s RBs topped Pat’s by 33 points… Tom is the number 1 QB, Carson is 14th but the gap is smaller than the 4th and 10th ranked RBs of Phil vs the 44th and 17th ranked RBs of Pat.

We all took the times Phil was new and innocent for granted:

Red Wedding 92.2 @ What Would Captain America Do? 108.6

This was a closer game than it appears. Trevor Siemian could’ve had a bigger game had Denver not decided to just ice-out the clock for most of this game. Charlie ultimately won this matchup at the QB and K positions. Charlie netted all 18 of his MOV points between those two positions. Despite opening at 2-0, Brian now sits at a dangerous 2-2 given the context of his injuries.

Brian is on the cusp of the danger zone:

Skittle Monster 113.7 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 130.9

Russell Wilson gave Pat a huge performance, but somehow Travis Kelce and Lamar Miller pulled out a win for Jacob. This game was knotted up heading into Monday night, but Travis Kelce caught 100 yards and a touchdown to put it to bed for Jacob. Doesn’t really matter though; Pat lost the game but still moved into first in the division due to a 3 team point tiebreaker.

Sometimes you fall into success, Pat:

Call Me Big Popp-ah 103.6 @ Saquon Barkley For Heisman 92.4

Nowhere felt the effects of Monday's big play than my game with Sam, the Chiefs D/ST went from negative to 8 points in one play. Making a close loss look like a comfy win. The worst part is, my bench would’ve won this week. Time to regroup, another loss and ill have to consider a massive rebrand.

Anyways Sam is looking nice at 3-1 a game out of the division lead.

Kings of Leon 79.9 @ Preterbinary Boggender 92.7

Joe finally gets his first win, keeping his playoff dreams alive. Zeke Elliott finally tried hard and Joe’s defense didn’t score negative points and that’s all it took. Phil’s RBs took their first step backward all season, it was inevitable at some point, but now we see if they pick the pace back up or come down to earth. There were a ton of ways Nick could have found those 13 points, his roster just had a tough week.

Its been a tough few weeks for Nick:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/05 8:00P

Phil is once again on top of the power rankings. His dominance in record and consistency has now expanded to include roster projections.

Phil trails on one person in point scored… Pat. Lockett’s team takes up the top of a very loaded second tier this week.

Pat is first in points scored and overall wins, his record has suffered enough losses to keep him outside of Phil’s tier. Brian rounds out the top three the same as they were last week. He’ll look to bounce back up the rankings with the return of Doug Martin this week. Jacob has climbed all the way up into the fourth spot over that last two weeks. His team is now a top point scoring threat. Sam rounds out tier 2 with the second-best record in the league. Anyone in tier 2 could be considered a title contender at this point.

Pat’s roster projections help him hold firm in the top of tier 3. Charlie is close behind him, looking to complete a leapfrog when the two play this weekend.

Nick has fallen all the way out of the playoffs, after claiming the number one spot in the first regular-season polls. His points just barely get him over the bar from the rest of his record grouping.

Joe has jumped me but it helps me create this perfect comparison:

My team tanks in return for good karma.

Game of the Week

Red Wedding (2-2)

Harrisonburg 21-16 (2-2)

Line: 21-16 -1.9

Brian will be embracing the return of Doug Martin this week, as his RB lineup is injured and in need of some life.

Hyde can also go off for 20 points on occasion so perhaps Brian can find a big day from his new look backfield. Eli will get to take on a weak Chargers pass defense that has to travel across to the east coast for a 1 PM game.

If any of the wideouts can find a big game, Jake Elliott could push the team over the top. He’s Brian’s best player IMO.

Jacob will need his big stars to keep breaking out for a third straight win this week. Lamar Miller fits in well with a rejuvenated Houston offense,

he’s been benefitting nicely from the rise of DeShaun. Nelson and Cooks are always big point potentials, especially against weak defensive backfields this week.

Kelce could be a deciding factor for the second week in a row.

This game is being played on Thursday Night in special all chrome jerseys for the JPFL “shiny and chrome” rush in 2017. Every Thursday night game will feature blindingly reflective chromed effected uniforms in every team's primary color. Every player will wear chrome face paint too.

Hunger Foul

Saquon Barkley For Heisman : 109.1 Bench Points

This was the ultimate hunger foul. My bench didn’t just outscore my starting roster, it scored enough points to win the whole game. My bench was like Saquon this week, it was throwing for touchdowns, running for touchdowns, receiving touchdowns.

Bench ate:

Waiver Move of the Week

Kings of Leon

Drop Dolphins D/ST, Add Titans D/ST

SCALE 1 to 10:

I just like to point these out when they happen. A lot of us like to play defenses on a weekly basis. We go find the best waiver matchup and move on. Often times, it works out. But sometimes, it goes up in flames. This week Nick dropped the Dolphins 1 point showing in exchange for -4 from Tennessee. This move didn’t lose the game for his but it sure was the icing on the shit cake for Nick this week.

Bad Luck of the Week

Skittle Monster

The Injury Bug

Our Lord and Savior, Dalvin Cook: OUT FOR THE SEASON

Ty Montgomery: OUT FOR A FEW WEEKS (Broken Ribs)

Pat went from a 5 elite RB team to a 3 elite RB team in one week. Pair that with one of his remaining three hitting the bye and you’ve got some increased margin of error. Both were in the lineup for Pat last week and finished with diminished outputs. Had they stayed healthy He might’ve found a win vs Jacob and he certainly would have an easier road moving forward.

Goodnight, sweet prince: