Week 7 - It's Halftime

"Obviously, Aaron is Aaron, but I'm Brett. So, let's have some fun."

– Brett Hundley on Aaron Rodgers

Another weird week of NFL football highlighted by injuries. Hard to imagine things could get weirder than they already were.

But they did. Let’s rewind all the way to Thursday night’s battle for NFC supremacy

Philly picked up 2 wins that night, beating Carolina AND the refs.

Hold this L, Cam

Matt Ryan took the Falcons on a time-traveling trip back to the Super Bowl.

MEME of the Week:

One last It meme, before they die…

The Dolphins are the worst this year. They’re gonna manage to win a handful of games that make big money in Vegas while also managing to look like dog shit every minute of the way.

Anyways, let’s get on to the big news of the week. Aaron Rodgers died.

Tough times in title town. Unfortunately, this will rob us of another classic Aaron Rodgers soundbite moment before rattling off 8 straight wins. Luckily for Aaron, he can borrow a collarbone from one of the skeletons he and his family haven’t cleaned from their closet yet.

Injury curse is coming Pat, watch out

Al Michaels brought the most fire joke of the week btw:

and then to cap things off we had our usual Monday night snoozer

I’m running super late so I’m gonna keep this one short… win some games and make the playoffs yall. I was distracted by tonight’s sports equinox…

NFL

NCAA

NBA

NHL

MLB

Color Rush this week is back to blow a load of pigment in your face. All red vs all white will probably look ok. Oakland should be wearing all silver chrome jerseys, sue me.

Plenty of talent to go to waste on a week of short rest and preparation

Without further ado.

Week 6 Review

Call Me Big Popp-ah 126 @ Falls Church FOBS 113.6

I don’t wanna do the math, but I’m pretty sure Sam won this in “come from behind” fashion on Monday night. His running back factory is pumping out points like Rick Pitino is pumping out excuses (in a minute or less I here ;). He needs to start Carson Wentz more if he wants to win… that’s my take. Phil still hasn’t mentally recovered from getting cucked by my last place team a week ago and Sam Cosby-ed him, taking advantage of Phil’s confused state. Phil’s big 3 broke 20 points apiece again but the rest of his team was asleep…

COSBIED!:

Gnarly Kneelers 122 @ O.J. Broncos 95.4

Pat bounced back from his rough week 5 to beat Pat. It was pretty smooth sailing for Pat as his RBs continued to be the heart of his scoring output. Solid QB play gave an assist while a surprise day of kicking blew things wide open. Meanwhile, for Pat, things were rough. Though some of the roster has shown solid production, most of it was underwhelming. Tom Brady couldn’t carry Pat this week, which is going to be the story of his season… as Tom goes do does Pat.

Fuck you, Pat

Harrisonburg 21-16 109.6 @ Preterbinary Boggender 66.6

Wow, Joe, I respect the balls here, sacrificing a win in order in an attempt to summon Satan to bring your team to glory. Can’t say I haven’t tried it myself. We had 2 great scores this week… we’ll get to the other one shortly. Yeah, Jacob scored some points and won his 4th straight or whatever… The big news here is Joe outing himself not only as Boggender but also a Satanist. This took real dedication, as Joe needed 7 players to score less than 10 points to pull it off. I did some light Satanism research to dive deeper into the numbers. T.Y. Hilton’s 2.4 could be interpreted as Ezra 2:13 (since 1+3=4)… Ezra 2:13 reads “Of Adonikam, six hundred sixty-six.” Satanists worship 11 because it can be multiplied by 3 to be 33 and Hitler came to power in 1933… Joe’s Special teams scored a combined 11 points… 13 and 9 are both important to Satanists as well (9 is 3x3 and 13 can be multiplied by 3 to get 39 aka the year Hitler started WW2)… guess how many points QB Matt Ryan had… 13.9!

I’m fucking onto you Joe:

Saquon Barkley For Heisman 117.3 @ HEDONISM V: CHUCKS FOLLY 120

This was fucking painful. The Eagles won Thursday night and set me up with a perfect night. Ertz 2 TD + KB getting grabs + Blount not scoring = Very Nice. Sunday Morning (afternoon) I wake up to A-Rodg going down for the game and I got this in the bag right?!? Fuck NO! Mark Ingram gets like his career-best game and fucking Gronk gets two red zone TDs and then the only two RBs on my roster still couldn’t find a fucking TD. Maybe my guys have been saving all the TDs for now so that I can explode in an orgy of scoring… who knows. We can only hope. Charlie won the battle but I killed his general with guerilla tactics so he won’t win the war. I’m still playing 4D chess over here… y’all keep playing checkers.

I tried so hard, and got so far:

Red Wedding 122 @ Kings of Leon 69

Brian got three huge performances from Cousins, Hyde, and the Ravens. Those 3 alone would’ve been enough to give him the victory this week against Nick. The Kings of Leon should hold their head high though because they scored 69 FUCKING POINTS!!! NICE

I’m awarding the JPFL Medal of Honor to Nick as well as every member of his team. Be sure to salute them and pay respects when you see them.

nice:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/19 10:00 PM

Sam is good. Jacob is good now. The rest of us… who knows. I’ve seen last place before though, and I know there is only 1 way out.

Game of the Week

Gnarly Kneelers (3-3)

Call Me Big Popp-ah (5-1)

Line: Kneelers -11.1

Pat is navigating a bumpy season right now with sporadic QB play and periods of plain bad luck.

His roster boasts more top 10 RBs than he knows what to do with, but the results have been a mixed bag. He stands at 3-3 entering a big matchup with the league’s best. A win over Sam solidifies his elite status, for the time being, a loss plunges him back down into “middle of the pack” zone.

Sam has ridden his 4-game win streak all the way to first place in the league. He’s got the QB of the future in Carson Wentz

and 2 young RBs who put up bulk points on a weekly basis. DeMarco Murray is getting banged up, but Sam’s roster has a lot of depth to keep rolling week after week.

This game is being played in WHITEOUT CONDITIONS at 7 PM Primetime

Hunger Foul

Kings of Leon: 57.8 Bench Points

Like a bored housewife, Nick got a lot out of his newest toy; but overall this was a mild week for the hunger foul. I’m pretty sure it was a mega bye with like 6 teams inactive. Either way, we’re at the point in the season now where most of your bench will be on the bye so high scoring fouls will be unlikely. It’s all about finding quality matchups and surviving now, not so much making the right start/sit calls.

Waiver Move of the Week

Kings of Leon

Add RB Adrian Peterson, Drop QB Tyrod Taylor

SCALE 1 to 10:

The only reason Nick won the hunger foul is that he had Peterson on his team for a “look and see” week. Unfortunately, Peterson blew up but also that’s super awesome for Nick. Now he has a possibly legit RB1 in the mix to put his team back in the playoff hunt. I would like to say though. This is another example of why a FAAB is better. Nick is all but out of the playoffs but he was first in line to grab AP over someone like Bryan or Butler.

Bad Luck of the Week

HEDONISM V: CHUCK’s FOLLY

Pyrrhic Victory

Just like Butler last week, Charlie pulled out a pyrrhic victory of his own. He picked up a crucial 2.7 point win over me but also suffered the loss of his Keeper and biggest remaining point scorer, Aaron Rodgers. Combined with the loss of Davante Adams, this could be the critical blow that puts Charlie’s future on life support. If Big Ben can’t find ways to succeed consistently. Charlie is in trouble, despite picking up a win this week.

Week 7 At A Glance

Gnarly Kneelers (-11.1) @ Call me Big Popp-ah

Pat looks to claim his spot amongst the league’s top team, Sam is finally on top looking down to ward off a challenger. Role reversal…

Preterbinary Boggender @ Falls Church FOBS (-1.7)

Both of these teams could use a win to get back on track. Joe is suddenly at 2-4 after a week full of optimism (and Satan worship) while Phil has seen his 4-0 league-leading record slide to 4-2-0.

Phil’s core has continued to stay strong but the auxiliary scorers haven’t been contributing nearly enough. Joe’s frequently run into similar issues but has faced 50 points more than Phil on the season, enough to net an extra 2 losses. Ultimately Phil can afford a loss here, but Joe absolutely needs to find some wins in this upcoming stretch of his schedule.

Red Wedding @ O.J. Broncos (-2)

This game could ultimately be looked back on as a season turning point for either team. Brian and Pat both sit on the precipice of playoff potential, riding the peak between good enough and pretty bad.

They’ve each found ways to outpace their division-mates despite only sitting at .500 for the year. Pat pretty much rides the right arm of Tom Brady every week. When Toms cores big, Pat wins (he’s 2-1 when Tommy goes over 20 points). Unless Marshawn or Ajayi gets going soon, Pat could be on the playoff hot seat.

Brian’s flashed a bit more point scoring potential than Pat but a loss is a loss and dipping below .500 this week could put him 2 back in the division and on the outside looking in.

Harrisonburg 21-16 (1-.2) @ HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY

Charlie is going to have to grind games out the rest of the year. But that’s nothing new to the man who won his division last year by clawing tooth and nail like some Revenant shit to earn it.

No Rodgers, No Adams… No Problem? Charlie will be relying heavily on Gronk, the Cardinal’s receivers and the new addition: T-Mobile.

Jacob’s won 4 straight to find himself at 4-2-0 on the season.

He’s looking for a big intra-divisional win to expand his lead over the rest of the wubalubadubdub division.

Kings of Leon @ Squanchtown Squanchers (-0.4)

The two worst teams in the league go head to head in a possible preview of the toilet bowl. The winner here will pretty much earn their last breath of hope while the loser could be done for the year. That’s really all there is to say about this one.