Week 8 - Halloweek, Do or Die

Oh, I'm a pedicure guy — it's part of my swag. I need to put my feet up in that hot water with all this running (Payton) got me doing."

– Ted Ginn Jr. on Sean Payton’s offer to buy pedicures for the Saints if they won.

We’re almost through October, the month that usually shows separation between contenders and pretenders. Last week several teams had the opportunity to jump from one tier to another. Ultimately the league remains very clustered with two teams pulling ahead and only one fading off the pack. 6 Weeks remain, how many wins do you need to hit the playoff mark of 7?

Some of our teams have caught fire, winning 5 straight!

Before we focus on NFL, let’s look at the junior level of the sport where Pat is up to no go after moving….

I tried to pay attention last Sunday, but my mind was on Monday night in all honesty. There were still some moments of not, however.

First of all, what the hell is Kenny Stills doing with his eye black?

That’s aggressive. It’s one thing to have a lot of eye black or just have it smeared around too much but this is way too planned out. Just chill with the eye black, you don’t need to go full Aztec warrior against the Jets. Calm down.

The most aggressive thing to happen at that game though:

The Panthers beat the Patriots and lost to the Bears, lol.

TFW you lost to the fucking Bears.

Someone, please help me understand why Cam wears these outfits… Does he think they’re actually great and everyone is trolling him when they say it’s bad? Is he trying to start some new trend? Will none of his friends step up and tell him its weird? How do you have that much money and dress poorly? If I ever made a million a week I would literally pay someone to buy and pick out my clothes just so I never look ridiculous.

Check out this confusing over-explanation by Ed Hochuli

Bruh, this cowboys game was lit! My dude Dan Bailey got hurt so America’s team had to use a safety as a kicker…

Listen, Y'all, the AFC North is super weird. All the teams are both terrible and very good at the same time. The Bengals absolutely could’ve won this game but then they decided against it. The Bengals O-line pulled a Pence and checked out of the game early.

Looking for that O Line like:

Someone give JuJu his bike back, please!

At least the Bengals had this cool “bag it up” celebration

Though I am 100% against the use of “gate” to describe a conspiracy or scandal. I think we have a fog gate…

JK, I know who really did it.

Come Monday Night, Carson Wentz was throwing bombs and Mack Hollins was busting out the dank memes

eagles are first place in the nfl

We already know the Ravens will be celebrating our Thursday color bukkake by wearing all purple, as a tribute to Prince.

So I would highly doubt Miami is going to wear these abominations (though the orange has a nice Halloween touch)

I have a theory though. The Dolphins announced we’re going to see these throwbacks at least twice this year

Since only one of those throwback games will be at home (against New England) I think they’re gonna wear it on the road, with a white top, 1966 style.

Plenty of talent to go to waste on a week of short rest and preparation:

Without further ado.

Week 7 Review

Gnarly Kneelers 110.1 @ Call me Big Popp-ah 153.4

Sam has been gaining strength faster than a California forest fire these past few weeks, leading to last week’s point explosion. He came away victorious in our game of the week with the highest score of the season thus far. Amari Cooper went for 200 yards and 2 TDs while Wentz threw 4 TDs; both players went for over 30 points. Toss in Gurley’s 20 points day and Sam had 90 points (almost enough to beat Lockett) between just 3 of his players. The rest of the roster threw up enough points to guarantee victory. Lockett saw Wilson put up his second-best score of the year but in a shocking twist received just 14.6 points total from a running back group that had put up over 300 on the year entering this week. That’s the biggest drop off in production since John and Kate Gosselin broke up. Though the TE and special-teams unit put up enough bottom endpoints to give Pat a solid score, he was really stuck playing catchup in a track meet since Thursday night. This game was over before it started, faster than Rick Pitino with a hooker.

Sam’s becoming unstoppable:

Preterbinary Boggender 107.9 @ Falls Church FOBS 88.5

Joe picked up his first W of the week when Zeke Elliot got another restraining order on his suspension because the main judge was away on 2-weeks’ vacation (no shit, that’s the real reason). It’s good that we’re so fair to people like Zeke. Obviously, Harvey Weinstein should’ve played football. He picked up his second W when Zeke went off for 40.4 points on Sunday against the lowly Niners. Zeke was just 0.7 points away from breaking the top 5 all-time scoring performances in the JPFL if only he could’ve come this close without crossing the line before he beat up his girlfriend. Though the rest of Joe’s roster was far from superb, he had enough of a boost from Zeke to find an easy win. Joe’s roster this week was like the group project that only one person works on but everyone got an A for. Phil has landed on hard times since his 4-0 start. I can think of another time Asians took a group of Americans by surprise by blowing up early on, only to see their advantage slip away over time. Midway through the season, Carson Palmer is done for the year, ouch. Phil will have to rely exclusively on Mariota or the waivers to keep his season from sinking and C.J. Anderson has to become more than just a Fat Man who runs like a Little Boy. Bell and Brown continue to keep this team alive as a threat, but without consistent QB or RB2 play, they’ll need to go atomic every other week to keep Phil from waving the white flag on the playoffs.

Joe is starting to drop point bombs while Phil’s season could go up in smoke:

Red Wedding 111.5 @ O.J. Broncos 99.8

I got to watch Brian piece together this comeback in first-person real-time. Pat was in the clubhouse with a 99.8 on Sunday night. Tom Brady had produced another 20-point day but once again his running backs failed to show out. Though Ajayi mustered 9.2 points, Darkwa gained 35 yards for 6.6 points and Lynch was ejected from Thursday’s color rush before earning a full point. I gotta be honest here, I have no idea what Lynch was thinking. He straight ran off the bench just to grab a ref… boi what?! I haven’t seen that much disregard for authority since O.J… Pat was 9 RBs deep at one point now he’s got like 2, I haven’t seen attrition like that since Aleppo. Brian entered Monday night needed 26.8 combined points from Kirk Cousins and Jake Elliot; Cousins got him 26.5 alone. Toss in a few Elliott field goals and Brian won the game before the 4th quarter even rolled around. Pat now drops to 3-4, caught in a 3-way tie for 3rd in the division, 1 game out of 2nd. Brian takes the opposite route, jumping to 2nd in his division and is currently in possession of a playoff spot.

Brian refuses to die:

Harrisonburg 21-16 97.2 @ HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY 80.1

Jacob continued to stay hotter than an Alex Jones take with his 5th win in a row.

Dak Prescott stopped drinking tap water long enough to flush the fluoride from his system and play like a REAL MAN, scoring 30 points. Though Jacob’s running backs all took a knee for the week, he somehow found enough scoring to scrape by. Jacob put out just enough to get by, but it was nothing spectacular, kind of like being married in your 40s. Charlie rebounded very quickly at the QB position as T-Mobile put up 22.7 points in place of the injured Aaron Rodgers, further proof that minorities are coming to take the jobs of all white people. John Brown and Larry Fitzgerald surprisingly did not respond well to the breaking of their quarterback’s arm. Meanwhile, LeGarrette Blount had his “once a month” useless game, posting negative points into the 4th quarter. Charlie had a handful of decent scores but ultimately his 80 points were like a lazy handjob after a night of binge drinking, they weren’t going to get the job done.

Jacob just keeps winning:

Kings of Leon 77.1 @ Squanchtown Squanchers 93.3

In our week 7 toilet bowl matchup, the Squancher rebrand held true. I overcame another devastating ass fucking by Jameis and Cam to pump out 93 points and a win. Cam Newton continues to perform exactly opposite of his expectations to the point where he might as well be Jeb Bush. Nick finally got a big-time performance from Jones but having 5 players score less than 3.5 points is never a recipe for success. It’s like mixing automatic rifles with country concerts. Only a handful of times has it ever resulted in what you might call a “success.” LeSean McCoy got his first TD of the year in double-dip fashion while Zach Ertz continued to be the Chris Hansen of my Dateline NBC, the star of the show.

Just Keep Squanching:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/25 4:53 PM

Sam continues to tack onto his lead like a CEO who just gave himself the company’s profit in the form of a bonus check. Every week he inches closer to claiming the top spot in each metric.

Holding firm in second again this week is Pat. From a pure scoring perspective, Pat has the best team in the league. He consistently breaks 100 and posts top scores, he’s just too often playing the weekly high scorer. Jacob ties Pat for second place this week, his 5-game winning streak is currently tied with Sam for best in the league. Jacob’s 0-2 start is likely the only thing keeping him out of the top spot for now.

Brian and Phil round out the second grouping, coming in 4th and 5th respectively. Brian is roughing out the road right now as he tries to find winds despite a plethora of injuries. Meanwhile, Phil has lost 3-straight and now sits just one game above .500 after holding first place at 4-0. Phil is up shits creek without a quarterback this week and is in serious, red flag danger level this week of going 4 up then 4 down.

Joe and I are both up 3 spots this week, due to a combination of winning games and lingering injuries on teams ahead of us. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good so if I win because everyone’s players got hurt…. So be it.

PBut and Charlie are tied at 8th this week. They both have incredibly similar circumstances with each team losing one of its top players. Charlie will have to overcome the loss of 2 Packers stars while Pat manages to win without Odell or any RBS.

Nick brings up the rear again, he essentially needs to win out to have a shot at the postseason.

Game of the Week

Harrisonburg 21-16 (5-2)

Gnarly Kneelers (3-4)

Line: 21-16 -7.6 (love "line" right under that pic, totally unplanned)

Jacob is flying higher than the Challenger before it stopped flying...

He’s torn up 5 straight wins and could get number 6 is big fashion this weekend. He’s currently maintaining a 1 game cushion in the Schwifty, but a win this week would fully give him the tiebreaker over a divisional foe.

Lamar Miller and Jordan Howard form a more than competent backfield, while Dak and Kelce have flashed big points in several weeks already. Jacob’s been undefeated since making moves at QB, if the move holds true through the second half of the season he could run the tables.

Pat is having a roller coaster season of sorts, following his wins with tough losses. Though Jacob currently controls the division, there is a real case to be made that Lockett is actually the best team in the Schwifty.

Pat consistently pumps out points behind a trio of running backs who rank in the top 10. The only thing keeping Pat out of first place is sheer bad luck. In 3 of his losses this season, he’s faced the top score of the week, his other loss was against the 2nd best score of the week.

If Jacob doesn’t come with serious heat this week, Pat should win. The question is whether or not consistency will get the opportunity to beat out sporadic high scoring.

This game is being played in Syria as part of our “JPFL: healing through football” initiative. We’re trying to show that football is family and help mend the wounds of the middle east.

Wow, flashbulbs going off in Syria already. Media is excited for this one

Hunger Foul

Falls Church FOBS: 67.7 Bench Points

Doug Baldwin + Latavius Murray > Rishard Matthews + C.J. Anderson. That’s this week’s hunger foul in math form. This one is hard to put on Phil personally though. No one would’ve guessed that Murray would bounce back in 17-point fashion after seemingly losing his job to McKinnon. No one though Doug Baldwin would go from fighting his coaches to catching bomb TDs. Both of those surprises happened to give Phil a nice big L and a side of hunger foul. That’s like finding out you got a chick pregnant and then also learning she gave you Herpes… damn bruh. Those are bad surprises. Phil is sliding downhill in the standings now.

Waiver Move of the Week

Kings of Leon

Add TE Austin Hooper, Drop TE Tyler Eifert

SCALE 1 to 10:

There was only one tight end who would’ve given Nick the win over me last week. It was O.J. Howard. Nick had to make a move replacing the injured Eifert. Hooper did seem like a good choice, considering he was the top tight end in week 1… he has potential. The problem is like I always say, fantasy is 75% luck based. Nick got the wrong guy. Not because he made a dumb choice. 10/10 of us wouldn’t have picked up O.J. Howard. But he made the unlucky choice, and that was the difference between a win and a loss.

Bad Luck of the Week

O.J. Broncos

Legal Issues

Oh hey, speaking of bad luck. Acting very much in the ways of O.J., Marshawn Lynch ran on the field and shoved an official last Thursday. He was ejected from the game and then he was suspended an extra week for the same incident. Pat is now (temporarily) without another running back on his team. Adding to the pain is the brief return of Zeke Elliot to the field, costing one of Pat’s possible stand-ins (Alfred Morris) a shot at producing in Lynch’s stead. Not to mention the end zone took out a 2-yard restraining order on Jay Ajayi. Pat needs to hire a better lawyer for his team… I guess Robert Shapiro has lost his touch.

Week 8 At A Glance

Harrisonburg 21-16 @ Gnarly Kneelers (-1.3)

Jacob and Pat look to break the tie in their all-time series. Will Jacob be kneeling in the victory formation again or will it be Pat kneeling to snort a line during that national anthem?

O.J. Broncos (-18) @ Fall Church FOBS

It’s incarcerated athletes vs. immigrated mathletes, who’s style will reign supreme.

Squanchtown Squanchers (-8.9) @ Red Wedding

The Squanchers look for their first win streak in like 2 years, taking on the resurrected zombie of Brian’s injured squad. Just. Keep. Squanching.

Call Me Big Popp-ah @ HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY (-10.3)

Sam is looking for his first-ever win against Charlie. Charlie is making a pilgrimage back to Wisconsin to undo the voodoo magic that took his Packer stars from him.

Preterbinary Boggender @ Kings of Leon (-6.2)

Joe has never lost to Nick… this would be a hilarious time for that to change. Nick, just start playing for moral spoiler victories like this and at least enjoy the trolling.

Alright guys, go secure those crucial wins this weekend. We’re going to have a super exciting playoff race this year. So prepare your bodies.

Never stop believing, Nick!

Seriously though, that guy is some random dude in bumble china and he isn't giving up. He probably wakes up every morning and goes "Oh boy! What am I doing today?!? That's right! I get to fucking fish some more today! Great time to be alive here in always overcast Japan!" But he fights on; he puts on his waterproof overalls and his boots and the same orange polo every day and does some shit with fish or oysters or some shit and just doesn't give up.

peace.