Week 9 - Trade Deadline = Lit

"Everything has to be perfect for us to have a chance to win a football game”

– Browns coach Hue Jackson

Bills Mafia, back at it again

What a wild week of NFL news, Things kicked off with a band Monday night as Zeke was suspended again officially. Joe’s roster is back to looking like:

Then trade deadline craziness went off:

And then DeShaun Watson got hurt for the year:

When you realize your team sucks without Watson:

Let’s snap back to week 8 action though.

Thursday was uneventful. Hard to tell who actually won't the game. The Ravens scored more but the Dolphins still bitched them out.

It rained everywhere on the east coast, and some offenses got extra sloppy

JewJew Smith Schuster had a breakout game for Pittsburgh

Nice TD celebrations though, Philly got ‘em too

Best thing I saw though:

Patriots fans are fucking stupid.

Correction, this was the best thing I saw this week:

Second highest scoring week of the year everyone! Keep it up. Most of you have 50% or so odds of making the playoffs after October.

Sam has officially clinched a playoff spot, btw. Jacob’s right behind him with a 99.72% chance

COLOR RUSH THURSDAY!!!!

2 years ago, this matchup was called out for being awful to the color blind

So this year the Jets are sticking with all green:

but the Bills will move to all whites:

With a new helmet twist:

Plenty of talent to go to waste on a week of short rest and preparation.

We’re just 2 weeks out from our trade deadline. If you’re not satisfied with your rosters chances at the postseason. Make a move. If you have depth, move a starter to fix your weaknesses. If you have someone putting up decent points on the bench, trade them or the person that’s starting in front of them.

5 weeks left in the regular season… How many games do you need to win to reach 7?

Without further ado.

Week 8 Review

Harrisonburg 21-16 128.7 @ Gnarly Kneelers 120.4

Jacob has now won his 6th straight game on the year. His defeat of Patrick, in my opinion, represents him consuming Pat’s soul and taking over as the host body for the anthropomorphic demon that we pass between teams in the Wubalubadubdub. This spirit possesses Jacob’s team now, giving him absolute unchecked power to have his way with the division and leave behind extensive damage. Most refer to this demon as “he who shall not be named” but some have the balls to call him by his true names “El Huracán” or Harvey Weinstein. I’m not really sure how Pat lost this game. Russell Wilson went off for 38, Gordon went for 20, the kicker went for 20 and everyone else went for 10+. This is one of those games where you see the scores each player put up and don’t understand how the finals added up the way they did. Pat has once again scored in the top 3 and still lost to the best team of the week.

Pat’s bad luck continues:

O.J. Broncos 120.2 @ Fall Church FOBS 87.9

PHIL DID IT! He started the season 4-0 and managed to turn it around into a 4-4 .500 start. Despite looking like the league’s best team at the quarter mark, Phil now looks like just another team stuck down in the 4-4 swap. His team has scored under 90 in 3 of the last 4 weeks after going over 100 for each of his 4 wins. I haven’t seen a change like that since Caitlyn Jenner became a thing. Pat pulled out an impressive 120-point showing despite Ajayi doing nothing and his WRs being unusually bad. Brady continues to carry with 20 point weeks. Washington took advantage of Lynch being out, going for 18 points. Will Fuller pumped out 27 big points but losing Watson will likely limit him significantly moving forward. Pat got a big win to jump to .500 but is facing one of the toughest hills to climb moving forward.

After 8 weeks, Phil is right back at .500… He’s now looking at his season-opening 4-game win streak like:

Squanchtown Squanchers 117.9 @ Red Wedding 70.3

A great week for things to begin to come together for the Squanchers. DeShaun Watson showed he may actually just score 30 a week (before he died). Kirk Cousins gave him a free pass for being on the bench while doing it. My team is becoming a bit of an enigma, QB play is up and down and the RB well goes from barren to deep each week. For one week though, Shady looked worthy of a round 1 pick, pass catchers went for double digits and the Eagles defense got more than a point. Brian suffered a tough setback, scoring just 70 points this week. Games are going to be a grind for Brian with the injuries he’s faced, so QB scoring being under 20 is a recipe for disaster. Ultimately, Brian faced bad production from too many positions to find a win against an uncharacteristically good day from the Squanchers.

Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good:

Call Me Big Popp-ah 121.3 @ HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY 109.8

If you had told Chuck, on Friday, that this weekend, Tyrod Taylor would match Carson Wentz AND all three of his running backs would go for either 100 yards or a touchdown… He would’ve taken it. HEDONISM put its best foot forward this weekend and still came away with a loss. Donte Moncrief could be the difference-making performance, with 0 points on the day. Still, Charlie had limited options at WR this week, so it’s equally likely that an in-human performance from DeAndre Hopkins truly determined this matchup. Charlie lost this week but the biggest take away from this game may be that he’s isn’t remotely dead moving forward. Though his playoff chances are shaky, his team is going to score point and he may just need the schedule to line up right for him to steal a postseason appearance. I thought his team would be done after the Packer’s fiasco. He faces another tough test in the reduction of Blount’s role but he can still make this happen.

Charlie came very close, but Sam survived:

Preterbinary Boggender 106.7 @ Kings of Leon 92.2

Don’t really know what to say about this one here. Nick looked strong early in this game, then 2 o’clock hit and his team stopped doing good things. Brees and Hooper were the only two payers to shoot for over 10 points this week in what was really the last hurrah for Nick and the Kings of Leon. Joe didn’t put up his greatest scoring performance, but it was more than enough to make it past nick this week. The looming suspension of Zeke Elliot keeps pushing back further and further threatening to Nuke Joe’s team just in time for him to lose the consolation bracket, but he is currently surviving in his perpetual state of RED ALERT. Nick still has a tiny percent chance of making the good playoffs, but I’m holding the funeral today.

RIP in peace to Nick’s team:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 11/01 5:00PM

Sam sticks in first this week as he tacked another win onto his streak. His week 1 win continues to be the factor placing him over Jacob who’s had an equally impressive run. Sam is still the only owner in the top 3 of these rankings to be number 1 in any category.

Behind Jacob is Brian who somehow moves up despite losing last week. His record still holds up in 3rd despite the losses his roster has suffered in the first half of the season. He continues to put up top-level points though. Somehow Brian is in third though.

Phil takes up the 4 spot this week, despite his loss he actually gained a spot in the polls, mostly due to Pat’s rough October. Phil has suffered a tough 4 game skid but his hot start is keeping him afloat for now. Pat Lockett is just behind him. Though Pat holds first place in about every metric, his luck has been horrid this season. He slides 3 spots as a result.

Joe rounds out tier 3, his roster is riding a weekly roller coaster but he’s turned around his slow start to be in prime playoff position as the season moves forward.

I hold firm behind Joe, in seventh, I’m already having a better season than last year, now it’s just a matter of having fun and now running the 4-beer mile. Pat stays place in 8th place. His OVW and Consistency numbers are dropping but he keeps winning games.

Charlie has slipped into the Danger zone this week. His record places him in a tough bind, needed likely 4 wins in his next 5 games to make the playoffs. Though his odds are slim (17% right now I believe) He still isn't toasted already.

Nick is dead though, I mean he isn’t… but he is.6 wins rarely gets you into the playoffs. It’s possible that Pat L, Charlie, and Joe all finish with 5 wins or less while Nick finds 6 but it’ll take a lot. Better luck next year pal. Let’s play some Daily Fantasy.

Game of the Week

Red Wedding (4-4)

Preterbinary Boggender (4-4)

Line: Wedding -1.1

Big 4-4 matchup here as two Wubalubadubdub foes square off in week 9. Brian has been living week to week since the loss of DJ. His team wavers on the meter between dominant and lifeless. Still, he sits in the second-place qualifying spot of his division and controls his destiny from here to the playoffs.

Joe has bounced back big time after a 1-3 start in which many national pundits wrote his team off. A win over Brian could solidify him as a playoff favorite moving forward.

Brian may be only a slight favorite this week but, back in week 2, he defeated Joe (without DJ) 105-95. This week he’ll once again need a big week out of the QB or WR positions to lift his team.

The running backs range from competent starters to bench worthy, adding a serious bit of volatility into Brian’s lineup. While green and Hill have been top 10 wideouts this season,

his running backs haven’t been able to produce consistently with the injuries Brian has faced. A win this week would give him full control of the tiebreaker vs joe and a serious leg up on the group of contenders that have emerged at 4-4.

Joe holds a 3-2 edge in this series and is looking to push it to 4-2 with a big win over Brian this Sunday. Joe has suddenly flashed signs of life after starting 1-3 (a stretch that included a loss to Brian).

Benching Matt Ryan for Alex Smith has worked wonders for the Boggenders. Believe it or not, Smith is the League MVP at this point in the season. Backing up Smith’s MVP performance has been the king of the courts, Zeke Elliot. Joe will once again have Elliot in the lineup this week, but he absolutely needs to capitalize with wins while he can.

If Joe is going to end up without his star player he’ll need to give himself as much of a head start as possible dealing with the issue. For now, though, Joe’s roster looks like its figuring things out. Joe is somehow a win away from an AQ playoff spot, something that seemed a far-off fantasy just 4 weeks ago.

The winner of this game will have a temporary hold on 2nd in the division (which comes with a free playoff spot), they’ll be the team to beat moving forward in the Wubalubadubdub playoff race.

This game is being played at 1 PM Monday because it’s that time of year where I make fun of the NFL for not using its flex schedule right… Yeah, I could move the best game of the week to the nightcap but I won’t because that’s too obvious.

Hunger Foul

HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY: 38.2 Bench Points

A very mild week of the hunger foul. Most teams who lost milked the most they could out of their lineup. The only legitimate move Charlie could’ve made was putting Sanders in for Moncrief but he still would’ve ended up with a 0. Charlie hit his maximum roster score and still couldn’t pull a win. His bench happened to have the fewest byes of all the losers so he takes home the Hunger Foul for week 8.

Waiver Move of the Week

O.J. Broncos

Add QB Andy Dalton, Drop RB Thomas Rawls

SCALE 1 to 10:

Dropping Mike Will (made it) for D Wash was another big move for Pat this week and could’ve taken home this honor. This move was great though because it was so savage. Phil needed a QB for the week with both of his roster players on BYE (and one is out for the year). He waits ‘til Sunday to look at his lineup and Pat knows it. Pat decided to take up juicy waiver option Andy Dalton (who went for 21 points this week) and left Phil to get by on scraps. Phil’s choice, Trevor Siemian, had negative points into the fourth quarter of Monday night’s loss. Savage Waiver move and a serious reminder that there’s always more strategy to fantasy than just helping your own roster.

Bad Luck of the Week

Gnarly Kneelers

So Much Bad Luck

Pat is having a stellar fantasy season from a points perspective… when you look at his record… woof. Every week, Pat seems to barely lose to the top scoring team in the league. As a result, he ranks as the unluckiest team in the league and it isn’t even close. Pat’s projected win percentage has taken -41% hit due to matchup luck; the next closest is Nick at -21%. Pat 12.2 more points than the league average every week, yet he has the 8th worst record in the league.

Week 9 At A Glance

Red Wedding (-1.1) @ Preterbinary Boggender

A big matchup in the Wubalubadubdub as two teams look to rise out of the 4-4 swamp into second in the division

Squanchtown Squanchers (-9.8) @ Call Me Big Popp-ah

Sam can Tie Thomas’ 7 game win streak of 2015 with a win of his own on Sunday. He beat Me back in week 4 to extend this very win streak to 2. Sam has already clinched a playoff berth, so this game isn’t too significant. Sam really just puts the clamps on first place in the division with any wins he grabs from here on out.

Meanwhile, as much as I need a win, a loss to a team that’s far removed from the 4-4 logjam isn’t the worst thing I could suffer. Wins mean everything right now, but the crux of my schedule will be the 3 straight divisional games I close out the season with, all against 4-4 or 3-5 teams.

I’ve fought back from a 1-3 start to have a clean slate a .500. only to put it all on the line in a matchup with the division leader. The loss of Watson likely puts a big dimmer on my playoff hopes but I’ll keep fighting because that’s what Squanchers do.

Falls Church FOBS @ Gnarly Kneelers (-27.0)

Phil is looking for his first-ever win against Plockett in week 9. He’s lost 4 straight to drop to .500 on the season. Phil was once the league leader, now he’s stuck in a shit swap of 4-4 teams.

Things don’t get much better for Phil as he’ll be without two top 5 players in Bell and Brown. Replacing them, the 37th WR and 84th RB. Pat has had terrible luck thus far in the season, he’s scored the second most points and has the second-worst record. That being said I will be absolutely shocked if Phil 1) wins or 2) puts up a top 5 score this week. This is gonna be the stone-cold lock of the week.

If Pat losses this one, it’s time to hit the panic button as hard as you can. Phil’s team has talent but this is a hell week of byes and dry waivers… good luck Phil.

HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY @ O.J. Broncos (-4.3)

This is a much more interesting trade after a week of news. Charlie was already without A-Rodg and Adams, but now his RB2, Blount, will have to share the backfield in Philly with Pat’s RB1, Ajayi. Pat takes the hit on Ajayi for a week, while he switches teams, but ultimately both will potentially lose points to one another over the month of December. Pat is also hurt by the injury of DeShaun Watson, who now can no longer toss 50-yard TDs to Will Fuller V.

Charlie lost to Pat by 4 back in week 5; however, he can jump Pat in the standings with a win this week. Charlie continues to be the league wild card but this year he’s having the opposite of 2016s success. Last season he overcame a roster depleted of scoring to claim a division championship. This season his roster has been much more well-rounded but just can’t find wins. A victory this week would go a long way towards putting him back in the playoff picture for the second year in a row.

Harrisonburg 21-16 @ Kings of Leon (-0.6)

Nick needs to win out and have everyone else finish under 6 wins to have a shot at the playoffs. Mathematically, I don’t think that can happen but I’ll try to find out… Ok, I did the math and I think he ultimately has a 0.52% chance. Nick’s goal this week is really just to cuck Jacob.

October has come and gone and many teams are still alive. Some of us are soaring right now but a large chunk of the league is currently in “survival mode” and everyone is alive on this large playoff bubble:

Brian is sitting at 4-4 but is facing a struggle every week with DJ out and injuries seeming to add on every week.

Phil had a hot start but has been the worst team in the league for the last 4 weeks.

Joe looks like a top 4 team some weeks but still hasn’t fully put week 1-3 demons behind him. He could also lose Zeke Elliot officially any week.

Butler is finding ways to win with Brady but Ajayi has taken a hit now and OBJ is out, he could be facing tough times as well.

Thomas sucks.

Lockett is the best team of the bubble bunch but basically, blesses you with the best score of the week when you play him. He could be eliminated at any moment.

Chuck is on the precipice as well. His team lost its best 2 players and now will see its RB2 split carries moving forward.

The point here wasn’t to call everyone out but rather show you that pretty much everyone on the bubble is facing issues right now. Yeah, you think your team sucks and fantasy is a wash this year… that’s how the rest of us are. Everyone here is playing with an imperfect hand. It’s easy to look at your team and record and be bummed and give up on the playoffs. In reality, everyone here is facing some big struggle or setback that threatens to entirely derail their season. Whoever finds a way to go 3-2 or better against adversity in these next few weeks will find their way into the winner’s bracket.

Find those 3 wins, fam.

Stay strong.