Week 10 - Our First Casualty

"Um... (long pause)." - McAdoo on what he told his team at halftime of Sunday's 51-17 loss to the Rams Bills Mafia, at it again… Best thing on TV this weekend… in a shocking upset, it’s not slow-motion cheerleaders but this third-party candidate: Alt (right) angle: The league had its worst week of scoring so far this season; even lower than our week 1 average (the only other week the league averaged less than 100 points). This was the third lowest scoring week all time, behind only weeks 4 and 11 of the 2015 season. Defense and Kicker scoring is up compared to last year and the historic average, as a result QB and RB scoring has dipped noticeably. League scoring tends to hit a lull from weeks 10 through 12 so the worst could be yet to come as we grind towards the playoffs. Ok, so the Rams are legit good now… Congrats, Brian and Jacob. See Y'all week 14. The best team in the league right now though?.... Team fun! That’s right! Hope on the fun train to touchdown celebrationville! We’ve got water sports ;)

bag races!

and big balls!

What we don’t have, is patience. Especially for you Julio Jones! Julio finally showed up this weekend, for Nick’s last breath of life (hmmm, what a coincidence. Might start a league investigation into Julio). His breakout week could’ve been even bigger if it weren’t for this very uncharacteristic drop.

Random thought, why do the Panthers subliminally want us to love cock?

Moving on… If you’re team PETA, look away for this next part.

Here’s a thought. Remember that Ultimate Warrior show? Where they used to pit Spartans vs like Samurai and shit? I think they had a version for animals, where like Bears and Alligators and Gorillas would fight 1v1. They should bring that back and do simulations for sports mascot…. Think about it. ESPN cuts in like “thanks, Bob, now what would happen if Bronco really fought an Eagle? Let’s see what the boys over at Ultimate Warrior Studios say:” This doesn’t have to be restricted to animals either. We can keep it in the wheelhouse of “historic warriors” and do Cowboy vs Viking, Buccaneer vs Patriot, Texan vs Chief. Ratings HIT! Bad for ratings? Brock Osweiler… for QB ratings, hey oh!

Von Miller. overRATED, hey oh! MUST WATCH: Future is bright in Philly, especially with youth like this:

I’m glad our big fight weekend went on as planned. We had a big UFC crossover coordinated, it was great! Thank you to everyone for their cooperation.

Texans fans be like:

Kirk Cousins out here making business decisions on a Sunday afternoon: Cowboys heating up too, fam. Make sure to get your official fan gear before the wagon is full!

But, also, how the fuck do you let this happen: Cowboys let the first 50-yard screen ever go in for a TD on ‘em but… THEY BACK. D back in Dallas baby. The biggest thing here is that Joe is getting the most out of Zeke while he can though. Dodging suspensions left and right.

Oh, uh, one more for the Green Bay fans…

We have only 4 weeks left to get into the postseason here, begin your push now with 1 week left until the trade deadline. You need 7 wins to be safe in the playoffs this year (congrats to Jacob and Sam for locking up a meaningful December). There may be 1 team who gets in at 6-7, no promises though. In either the week 11 or 12 previews, I’ll start looking at playoff scenarios but they’re still a little cloudy now. You’re going to play 3 division games in the next 4 weeks. You need to go 2-1 in those, at least, if you’re on the bubble. Since I don’t have specific scenarios ready, here are some fun numbers to get you by. Some playoff odds I’ve come up with (keep in mind these are purely about getting into the top 6, they don’t account for divisions and tiebreak formulas) Sam: 100% (Can only be seeds 1-3, 97.3% at 2nd or better) Jacob: 100% (12.6% at 1 seed, 88.8% at first round bye) Butler: 71.36% (5th overall - 19%, 6th – 21%) Joe: 86.48% (4.4% at 2nd seed, 52.8% at 3rd / 4th seed)

Lockett: 87.32% (4.2% at 2nd seed, 54.8% at 3rd / 4th seed)

Thomas: 36.48% (Help with losses from Brian, Phil and Charlie. 3 big divisional games left) Phil: 65.44% (vs Thomas week 11 is likely season deciding, equal shot at 4 through 6 seeds) Brian: 45.52% (Relies on return to early season scoring numbers, toughest remaining SOS) Charlie: 07.20% (3.5% at 6th seed, needs losses by Thomas, Phil, and Joe for clearest path) Nick: 00.00% (Hello, Darkness, my old friend) One last week of full cross-conference play. Losses here aren’t going to kill anyone’s playoff chances but a win could work wonders. WE HAVE A TRUE COLOR RUSH THURSDAY!!! For the first time this season, I believe, we have a true “color vs. color” color rush! No all-white vs solid color this time around. This is the color rush in its truest form, living its best life. Arizona’s all black:

vs. Seattle’s day glow green:

Prepare your eyes for the color bukkake!! Plenty of talent to go to waste on a short week of rest a preparation

Without further ado.

Week 9 Review

Red Wedding 77 @ Preterbinary Boggender 99.8

Brian couldn’t overcome his deficiencies last week in order to knock off a surging Boggender team. QB play was stifled once again and Brian’s handful of emergency fill-in couldn’t pull it out. Like I brought up last week, Brian is going to need 20+ point games from the QB position from here on (even with Hyde and Hill going off for 15+ weekly). Cousins is definitely capable, but anytime the QB position hits 15 or less he’s likely going to suffer a loss until something changes with his depth. Joe didn’t put up his greatest showing of the season, but it was more than enough to keep distance between himself and a limited opponent. Joe continued to get scattered breakout games in his lineup, backed by consistent point production throughout the roster. Things could’ve been even better for Joe had Hilton and Forte been in the lineup to net him another 45 points. Joe can certainly contend with the pieces he has but there are 2 critical division matchups for him in the closing 4 weeks. He needs to beat locket and Jacob to claim a first-round bye if he wants it but he’ll have to take that big step on the season without Zeke.

Is Joe getting better, is he getting worse, are we even real:

Squanchtown Squanchers 86 @ Call Me Big Popp-ah 136.3

Rough go for the Squanchers who fall to 4-5 on the season. Sam went off for another weekly high, behind the trio of Wentz, Gurley, and Kamara. Shady and Evans needed to come away with more than 4.3 combined points in this game for me to claim a victory. Cam and Goff both had days, making QB selection a non-factor for me. This loss boils down to a thorough lack of production on my end paired with a plethora of big scoring days for Sam. Sam now has complete control over the division. No one is going to overtake him at this point barring something extreme. His team is finding major scoring threats at several positions sometimes as far as 3-deep in the lineup. He might as well start looking ahead to week 13 when he plays Jacob. I can afford another OOC loss this week to Pat but the last 3 weeks of my season are do or die, especially week 11 vs Phil.

Sam is officially cruising, welcome to the Playoffs:

Falls Church FOBS 79.9 @ Gnarly Kneelers 91.6

Phil, what’s going on? I knew last week would be rough, and it was. No Bell, no Brown, no Murray, no Thielen. How has it come to this though? Phil is now bottoming out at 4-5, with his team struggling to break 90 (once in the last 5 weeks) and now a 4-0 league leading start has turned into the first man out of the postseason. Pat finally got a stroke of luck this weekend as this game was really over before it started. A -3.9 from Stewart probably gave Pat a heart attack and convinced him of a curse on his team. Phil just wasn’t going to punish Pat for his slip-ups this week anywhere near as bad as he’s seen the last few weeks. Phil’s roster was to run down from the Bye to pull an upset this week, but the issue at play is much bigger. He needs to figure out how to stop the bleeding of a 5-game losing streak before it’s too late. If he lets it go another 2 weeks he’s out. Meanwhile Pat might’ve saved his season with 1 game of good luck. Yes, he could be competing closely for the 2nd seed had he not faced a gauntlet of high scores, but one single free win matchup has pushed him back into the playoffs and just on the edge of the 1st round bye discussion. Pat should still be considered a threat to win out over the next 4 weeks.

Phil tried putting the season on autopilot too early:

HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY 81.6 @ O.J. Broncos 102.4

Rodgers has been gone 4 weeks now, and someone Charlie hasn’t lost any production at QB. T-mobile has made a fantasy resurgence over the past month of keep Charlie dreaming of a playoff turnaround. Unfortunately, last week, the RB core didn’t do its part. Charlie had found wins recently on the backs of Ingram and Blount but lately, those wells have run dry. Pat took advantage with another 100 points showing. His roster looks to be on the upswing with Ajayi scoring his first TD of the year and 6 different starters going into double digits. If Pat can keep this pace up, he will challenge Joe (crazy right!) for the 3rd seed in the playoffs. He has the league’s 2 best teams next followed by a huge showdown with Joe, a 3 game stretch that will likely determine his fate.

Pat’s roster is beginning to figure thigs out:

Harrisonburg 21-16 113.1 @ Kings of Leon 92.9

This was the final nail in the coffin for Nick. Any chance he had at making the big boi playoffs demanded he win out the season. Brees, Peterson and Julio all had decent showings but none carried hard enough to allow the backend of the roster to play small. Nick ran out of gas down the line, needing either a bigger game from his studs or a breakout day from his auxiliaries. Jacob continued to be a point machine, easily finding the 100-point mark for the 7th time this season. He’s nearly wrapped up the Wubalubadubdub division, he needs at least another 2 wins to get there for sure. Dak Prescott gave Jacob a strong outing paired with Kelce and Tate to make sure an upset was never in the works.

Nick had a sliver of hope, Jacob said fuck that:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 11/09 9:38 PM

Game of the Week

Harrisonburg 21-16 (7-2)

O.J. Broncos (5-4)

Line: 21-16 -4.0

Pat and Jacob have been on similar scoring paths the last few weeks. Pat’s actually been surging into Jacob’s scoring tier as a lot, gaining the momentum you’d like to have when going for an upset. Still, Jacob is 5-1 all-time against Pat Butler and he’s in position to make it 6-1.

Jacob’s had a very interesting 7 game win streak; Dak and Kelce are his only top 10 players. He’s been winning games with a balanced team approach, scoring in the double digits across the board every week.

He’s so hard to beat because every week he’s so consistent. There isn’t one stud player who puts the team over the top. If someone has an off day his roster general rounds out the scoring. Howard, Cooks, and Tate have put up 10-20 a week from the get-go while players like McKinnon have been late waiver gems.

He can make major steps towards wrapping up a first-round bye and still just needs a Sam loss to take over the top spot in the league.

Pat has been lead this season by Brady, once again. Though Tom is on the cusp of falling out of the top 5, he seems to give Pat just enough to keep things close every week.

He’s still looking for a true RB1 and 2 to step forward as the prophecy foretold, but he’s found ways to win in the meantime. Dez and Landry have been mainstays in the lineup but Morris, Darkwa, and Drake all started the season on the waivers before eventually starting for Pat. If the newcomers can breakout, Pat could pull a major upset.

This game is being played at 1:00 PM because I’m out of jokes right now.

Hunger Foul

Red Wedding: 55.5 bench Points

This game was the hunger foul game of the week. Joe scored 122.1 points on the bench this week, against Brian. Under the old format, he would’ve won this award. However, Brian lost not just to Joe’s bench but to Joe as well so his 55.5 points get the nod here. It’s weird having these hunger fouls lately where everyone did pretty much the best they could and still lost. Hopefully, as the season winds down, this ward will become incredibly painful to win.

Waiver Move of the Week

O.J. Broncos

Drop K Lutz and QB Dalton, Add RB Drake and TE Doyle

SCALE 1 to 10:

Pat could’ve netted 8 points last week by starting Drake, but its moot. Adding Drake is a long-term move that hopefully allows Pat to turn one RB (Ajayi) into 2 RBs (Ajayi/Drake). If both pan out, Pat moves from the RB gutter cycle to a stable of backfield talent. You gotta give Pat credit, at the very least, he’s trying literally everything possible to fix his weakness before the playoffs. If Ajayi and Drake can put up 15+ on opposite weeks, Pat could find a fluid RB cycle that generates wins. Toss in a WR/FLEX upgrade with Crabtree and Pat really only needs to find 1or 2 legit playoff RBs to make a run at the title. Jack Doyle adds some depth at TE and a 10 point cushion on the bye.

Bad Luck of the Week

Nick Leon

First Blood

This Sunday, the JPFL 2017 season saw its first casualty. NOw the only thing Nick has left to play for is freedom from the last place punishment:

- Write season in review Haikus for every team, to be placed in the final LM Note

- Sing the National Anthem before next year's draft

- Give up naming rights of your team to a weekly league vote until any point during the next season –after week 7– that you have a winning record

- run the 4 beer mile and record it

Here is a tribute:

Week 10 At A Glance

Harrisonburg 21-16 (-4.1) @ O.J. Broncos

Will Jacob be in victory formation against another Hokie or will Pat get away with murder–I mean an upset

Squanchtown Squanchers @ Gnarly Kneelers (-9.1)

This is a bit of a throwaway week for me at the moment. Though I have mostly been behind the curve due to my lackluster start, I managed to find wins that are now critical (over Brian and Phil). I’m somehow just one game out of 2nd place in the division, with a matchup against Pat in week 13 providing a chance to win it outright. More importantly, I’m in the front half of a 4-5 grouping which currently has me as the 2nd wild card team.

Even though I’m tied with Pat L for record, I can afford a loss to him. As long as Phil, Charlie and Brian finish the next 4 games with as many losses as me, I’m in. Phil still has to face Sam, and his head-to-head with me next week could be an elimination game. Brian needs to win against Sam, Plockett, or Jacob to have a real shot at getting in. Charlie has the easiest path of the three but he is currently at a game disadvantage. TL;DR: If I win out (or even 2-1) weeks 11-13 vs Phil, Charlie and Butler, I’ll be in the playoffs.

Pat’s looking to inch his way deeper into the division title conversation with a second straight win. Fortunately, he’s facing similar circumstances as last week as there is a 0% chance I score in the top 3 of the league this week. If Pat can simply do what he did last week–QB over 20, 2 players >15– he should find another comfortable win. Since Fournette and Gordon return to the lineup this week, Pat can probably expect 80 points between QB, RB1, and RB2. Isn’t that nice?

I’ll just be over here hoping Cam Newton doesn’t shit the bed as he is sometimes prone to. Pat’s bad luck has been turning around lately, he’s now only 31% unlucky... much better than 41% unlucky. A win for either team could vault them as far as tied for second in the division. At the very least it’ll keep them in front of the playoff picture. Whoever loses will be looking for 2 wins over the final 3 games, all within the division. Pat is 3-1 all-time in this matchup.

Call Me Big Popp-Ah @ Red Wedding (-2.3)

Despite Sam having almost clinched a bye, this is still a big game for the playoffs. Sam still hasn’t wrapped up the first overall seed (and blue crab bowl). Brian is just on the outside of the bubble, but finding an upset win in the next 3 weeks could put him right back inside. This is a bad time for Sam to find out that he has never beaten Brian in 5 attempts.

Brian will need to tap into the anti-Sam voodoo magic again this year because he’s never played this version of Sam. Big Poppa is average 15.3 points over the league mean. The next closest is Brian at 9.8. If there’s anyone who has a shot to pull it off, its Red Wedding. Brian will be going all-in on wildcard Josh McCown (who’s actually scoring like a QB1 lately), while Hyde and Martin hold down an incredibly thin RB unit. If McCown can break 20 and someone like Smith-Schuster or Shepard can break out, Brian could sneak an upset.

He’s catching Sam at a bad time though. In each of the last 5 weeks, Sam has scored the 2nd highest score or better. If you take away Sam’s weird week 2, he’s performing against the league at an 83% rate. As of right now, no one is even close to Sam except for Jacob at 69% (nice). Sam will be operating at <100% this week, as Rivers should sub for Wentz and Crowder or Doctson will step in for Cooper. The heart of Sam’s team remains untouched though; Gurley, Murray, and Kamara should all go this weekend and each is capable of scoring top 10 numbers. If Rivers can contribute or Graham can have a big game, Sam could take another step towards clinching the 1 seed.

Falls Church FOBS (-22.7) @ Kings of Leon

It has come to this for Nick, with no hope left for the winner’s bracket, he now must cuck those of us still alive. He can throw a huge wrench into Phil’s season by firing up the fuck you gun and choosing this week to gain his second win in 2017.

Nick is 1-0 against Phil but he isn’t getting him at a good time this season. Kareem Hunt is on the bye and his bench is full of Questionable and Inactives. Peterson, Jones or Adams will have to get things going in order to inject some chaos into the playoff race.

Phil is hoping to get back in the win column for the first time in over a month. Marcus Mariota will handle QB for one more week before passing the reigns over to Derek Carr. Bell and Brown continue to lack the support they need ever since C.J. Anderson stopped doing anything. Phil is probably a heavy favorite in this one, but if he slips up it would be a terrible way to lose this season.

HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY (-3.6) @ Preterbinary Boggender

I haven’t checked this out yet, but I think Charlie’s playoffs odds are at the very least on life support if he loses this one. He’ll still have 3 weeks to make up a one-game deficit on the wildcard, but he’s playing with fire as the right combination of wins in conjunction with is loss could see him eliminated. A reeling Hedonism squad travels to the bog to take on Joe’s streaking Boggenders. The first law of thermodynamics says that since Charlie lost 3 games, someone had to win 3 games, that someone was Joe.

Fortunately for Charlie, he is 3-1 vs Joe. He’s been getting by lately on the stellar fantasy play of Tyrod Taylor, waiting for his Ingram/Gore engine to warm up again. If he can manage to break 100 he could stand a shot here. The good news for Charlie is that this is an even-numbered week and he goes over 100 on even numbered weeks.

Joe will have to bench Alex Smith for Matt Ryan (weird that we are saying this like it’s a bad thing now), but the rest of his roster is entirely available. It remains to be seen why TY Hilton is being punished by scoring 30 points on the bench but one day we may become enlightened enough to understand. Joe’s a doctor, gotta let him operate on that team.