Week 10 - Halftime Report

6.9 Things I Think I Might Know:

1) Its 2:30 PM, and Joe already might be just like Ted Kennedy’s hooker… that’s right folks, dead in the water. Aaron Jones was carted off the field after scoring just 1.7 points and his possible son Marvin Jones Jr. has been more miss than hit today shitting out a 0. If you taste it you can tell what he had to eat for breakfast… supposedly. Joe has 4 guys, 5 points; that’s not a second-rate sequel to 2 girls, 1 cup… it’s his roster. I know, disappointing in more ways than one. Charlies D/ST is winning this game right now. If things don’t change, Mark Ingram will have this game won by 4 PM.

2) There’s a Beck song or something I think where they talk about like in the future you’re gonna have a bevy of things to pick from so you suffer from like an abundance of information and shit. Sam is like that Beck song because he is currently losing out on 20 DeMarco Murray points because he has so many other RB options to pick from. Death by an abundance of wealth. Oh yeah it was a Foster the People line about how when you first get to walk around your legs get tired. These are like the growing pains for Sam. He has to learn how to handle this power. With great power, comes Bitties, and with that, great responsibility. He’s gonna win things could stay close for a while and then one play could blow things up.

3) Nick is like the Andrew Luck of our league in that he’s new, full of potential, and his collapse this year might be entirely in his head at this point. I went through this last year. You’re never winning so you do drastic things. Always picking the wrong move to make each week. Diggs is a top receiver but he’s had weird QB play so Nick benched him. Logically, Diggs goes off on Nicks bench costing him 11 points currently (and that will only go up). Projected Score: 69. Nice. Otherwise, tough week to begin the consolation trail of beers (we need to call the 4-beer mile the “trail of beers”). Eventually, you start to suffer from things like: the game where Gillisilee gets 3 random TDs, Chris Hogans 2TD-190 yard primetime game, Marquise Lee 70 yards and a TD, Adrian Peterson fumble and 20 yards. These things all happen at a random point in the year and all will bite you in the ass because fantasy is fuled by blood.

4) Jacob vs Pat could be the game of the week. We’ve got 2 QBs, 2 RB1s AND 2 Kickers left to play and the game is already a close one. Pat is currently keeping pace with the Wubalubadubdub’s best with just 2 players active. He’s at a 2 RB disadvantage and still holding his own. If the current projections hold, Jacob’s division crown could come into Jeopardy in the final weeks and Pat could play into the 3rd seed by week 12. New England tends to do poorly when taking on Denver during Pat's fantasy season so that could be a big X-factor in Jacob's favor. Alfred Morris could suddenly become a "suprise" backup to DMC and fuck Pat that way. Golden Tate snagging a grabage time TD is likely as well. Jaguars Fuble TD, MckInnon garbage 50 yarder... You never know. stay woke.

4.9) Cleveland just ran a QB sneak from the Lions 3-yard line with 12 seconds left and no timeouts.

5.9) Brian got a QB curse. He’s gotten like 8 points a week out of that position since October. I feel like I’ve been honest enough with my stats that I can make them up in this update and you’ll believe me. Brian’s got 6 players going in the 1 PM slot including a QB so he’s likely to put up 70% of his weekly total in these 3 hours. Right now, he’s scored 18 so let’s project that forward and he’s looking at a final score in the 50s……… Kirk Cousins, as things stand right now, could’ve bumped that towards the 90s. Yes, the algebra is good. Yes, the algebra is also misleading in that it doesn’t really work that way

6.9) PHIL BACK! Phil is back to THE U, y’all. Over 70 points already!!!! His whole roster is going right now so don’t be too impressed… Still, irregardless is not a word and this sentence reads poorly so Phil must be on pace for 122 points today. This is now my STONE-COLD LOCK OF THE WEEK! LOCK IT IN. I think if Phil stops scoring right now he would win this game so bag it up. 72.7 mark it down, see if I’m right. Phil decided to keep Thielen over Crabtree in the Derek Carr trade with Butler that sent SHOCKWAVES through the league's news wire. It might have been the right call. If Mariota gets hits shit together, Phil could go for scoring records in his glorious return to scoring. he speant his time in pennance and has seen the light of the seven. He will not return to his rightful throne.