Week 11 - Accept The Slow Embrace Of Death

"It’s like we’re a whole new fucking team. It is embarrassing. I am tired of being embarrassed... It’s really sad. It’s sad we went from being a championship caliber team to a team that stinks. Nobody respects us."

– Derek Wolfe on the Broncos losing streak

Bills Mafia, at it again

Bills might make the playoffs even though they’re trying to tank (because the AFC is such shit) so we may get this all the way into 2018.

GQ named Kaepernick the man of the year or something

Maybe we should give Joe an award for drafting the Man of the Year. Speaking of Joe, let’s check in on Joe after 2 tough losses this weekend

PLo almost joined Joe in the pit of frustration this week, but he avoided becoming the biggest comeback victim of the week… that prize goes to:

Let’s look back on Sunday

We got another anthem protest on our hands in D.C.!

Need to zoom and enhance

zoom and enhance one more time

We also had a protest against useful statistics in Buffalo

Shoutout to Mark Ingram giving Charlie another vintage 3 TD game.

Flip over to the NFC North where John Fox accidentally fucked his team and challenged a play resulting in the Bears LOSING the football

I imagine that’s how Brian looked as he realized he made a terrible mistake at this Qb position.

Folks, the outrage meter almost broke on this one… People were legit complaining about this “9/11” TD celebration my Diggs in D.C. on Sunday

I’m shocked everyone is mad about that and not this clear shot at the Holocaust:

Really wish we could see Giants vs. Browns this year

Sunday night closed with a snoozer in Denver, where we saw the greatest name of all time:

And a great fight, Dilly Dilly!!

Shout out to Pat butler for this video, he was very excited about this part of the night.

We got a big Sunday nighter coming up this week…

In the playoff odds department, the breakdown is:

- Sam and Jacob are in, cool, good for them, Sam has clinched a bye, Jacob is very close.

- The Pats are next “likely to clinch” at 94% and 95%. They should be able to find a win in the next 2/3 weeks.

- Phil comes in at 76%, if he beats me this week I think he’s safe.

- Joe has a 60% chance because he simply has a record advantage. He’s a strong underdog in each of his final 3 games though and this could drop to 30% by next week.

- Brian is at 35%, his team faces a fierce SOS in the next couple weeks so he is as much on elimination watch as these next 2 teams. In fact, Brian should tune into the playoff chat later in the LM note because he could get dinged hard this week.

- Charlie and Thomas sit and 17% and 18% respectively, they each have critical games in the next 3 weeks and need to go 2-1 (possibly with help) to make the postseason.

- Nick is still eliminated.

...soon it will all be over... soon... :)

More Color Rush Bukake to bathe in this week.

Pittsburgh bringing that all black, making Wiz Khalifa proud.

Titans rocking all blue.

Could be a good-looking matchup.

Plenty of talent to go to waste on a week of short rest and preparation

Without further ado.

Oh, uh, trade deadline is this Thursday.

Week 10 Review

Harrisonburg 21-16 83.9 @ O.J. Broncos 111.4

Our game of the week really didn’t live up to the hype, as Jacob finally had a down week. Prescott went under 20 and the RBs didn’t live up to their usual production levels. It doesn’t look like this is going to be a long-term wall for Jacob but you never know. Pat had a big week to solidify himself as a contender in the top 3. Brady continues to go for 20+ a week while the bottom end of the roster posted plenty of production to lift the roster to a win. Pat’s MVP so far this season may be his kicker, Zuerlein, has posted big points in the last several weeks.

Pat is starting to look legit:

Squanchtown Squanchers 95.7 @ Gnarly Kneelers 98.7

This was almost unofficially the biggest comeback in JPFL history. Lockett has been running into bad luck all season long and this would have been the icing on the cake. Up 40 points heading into Monday night, Pat watched Cam Newtown pour out 37 fantasy points, leaving me just 3 points shy of the comeback win. There were a lot of ways I could’ve pushed myself over the top here, Pat also had a few options that would’ve expanded his cushion. Pat’s win essentially put him into the playoffs, but more importantly, it opened up the possibility to capture the division crown and a bye form Jacob. Pat can also bump Joe from the division 2 spot with the injuries that have suddenly hit his roster. PLo has a roster full of potential, 2nd in league scoring. If the Lockett rocket gets fired up soon maybe this could be his year.

I fought back furiously but Pat held on:

Call Me Big Popp-Ah 134.9 @ Red Wedding 114.3

This was a really tough loss for Brian to take. First of all, it likely puts him in elimination mode moving forward. Another loss could prove to be the dagger. More importantly though, with the results of this week’s games, Brian could’ve made serious moves with a win. His close loss kept him from entering a 3-way tie for second in the division and the playoff conversation. His 114.3 points would’ve beaten any other team in the JPFL this week. Unfortunately, he was facing league juggernaut, Sam. Sam put up over 130 for the second week in a row. Since week 5 his lowest score is 121.3 points. He’s starting to look more and more like Lockett’s team from last season. He just needs to hope he also isn’t peaking too soon.

Sam is starting to look and feel invincible:

Falls Church FOBS 108.9 @ Kings of Leon 96.2

Well, maybe time to stop shit talking Phil’s team, not that he really paying attention anyway. Phil finally flipped around his October turmoil and turned out another 100+ point performance that had his team feeling like September again. Though the TE position continues to be his team’s Achilles heel; Bell, Brown, and Thielen returned to prominence this week. Phil is suddenly in a prime position to lock up a postseason appearance with a win this week. Nick continues to suffer tough losses. It always seems to be something going horribly wrong keeping Nick one roster spot from a win. This week Seattle and Arizona slit his throat on Thursday, with 3 of Nick’s players combining for 11.8. It’s been a tough season. Time for Phil to focus on clinching his first winner bracket trip while Nick prepares to avoid last place in the loser’s bracket.

Phil is back like the U baby!!:

HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY 106.2 @ Preterbinary Boggender 75

My how things have changed for Joe in a matter of 72 hours. Just last week he was looking at an automatic playoff spot and a shot at the division crown. Now he’s stuck in a dogfight for 2nd place and is staring down the barrel of a 0-4 finish. Charlie found another 30 points 3Td day form Ingram (which he seems to get once a month) and managed to extend his playoff life support another week. The big news here wasn’t Joe loss or Charlie’s win though, the implications of the win/loss won’t play out until the coming week. What’s huge here is the injury situation Joe is left in post-game. Not only will he have to fight back and turn around a loss, but he’ll have to do it like 2016 Charlie (with no RBs)

Joe’s fun playoff ride has turned sour quickly:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 11/16 4:00 PM

Game of the Week

Preterbinary Boggender (5-5)

Harrisonburg 21-16 (7-3)

Line: Big Popp-ah -2.5

A very big game of the week (as they all will be from here on out). This could have serious implications in the top end of the Wubalubadubdub divisional race.

A win by Joe (though currently improbably) would put him just a game back of first and open the door for Lockett to join him there. A win by Jacob could all but lock things up (though he still faces a tough loss in week 13 vs Sam).

If Jacob loses this game, I don’t think he’ll win the division, especially with Lockett breathing down his neck.

Joe is suddenly in a very rough situation following last week’s return to September problems.

He will now turn to Duke Johnson and Rex Burkhead as his running backs, likely for the next 2/3 weeks. If he can find 2 wins (counting this week) he could wind up on a bye for round one of the playoffs. If he loses this week, he’ll be facing the real possibility that his shot at a division title has turned into a postseason disaster.

Alex Smith and the new look WR corps of Sanu and Jones Jr. will have to carry Joe into the playoffs.

Jacob is looking to bounce back Big Sean style next week after an out of character sub 100 performance in week 10.

He likely won’t make many roster changes as 1 loss isn’t likely to derail his season. If Prescott, Miller, and Howard get going again, Jacob will be right back on track to claim the Wubalubadubdub and march through the playoffs.

This game is being played in the AMERICA’S GAME OF THE WEEK slot where we make east coast teams play late for no reason.

Hunger Foul

Red Wedding: 93 Bench Points

This is an unbelievably tough hunger foul for Brian to take. It can be argued that from top to bottom, Brian’s collection of talent was the best in the JPFL for week 10. He had the second highest score of the week and STILL won the hunger foul. The tough part of this shit pie to swallow is that Brian was insanely close to somehow pulling this out. Had he simply made the right QB call, he would’ve been just 3.8 points back of Sam. I really hate to bring up how a team could’ve won with w moves or more because its likely the team they played could’ve used 2 moves to vamp up their score. HOWEVER, when Devin Funchess puts up 23 on the bench, it has to be pointed out how close Brian’s roster was to not just winning, but blowing the doors off of Sam in a week where he scored 130+ points. Like I said last week, the hunger foul is going to sting more and more each week. Who will lose their playoff hopes to the hunger foul in week 11?

Waiver Move of the Week

Gnarly Kneelers

Drop QB Andrew Luck, Add WR Danny Amendola

SCALE 1 to 10:

Folks the 2017 version of the old Peyton Manning fiasco finally came to an end this week. With the news that, yeah, Andrew Luck actually ain’t playing this year. Pat can finally drop the guy who he only took because he was auto picking late in the draft. This is the 2017 version of Joe getting to finally drop Eddie Lacy. It’s almost cathartic to finally get to drop the dead roster weight you’ve been holding onto. Enjoy, Patrick.

Bad Luck of the Week

Preterbinary Boggender

What is a running back?

In less than 2 weeks. Joe went from a running back engine of Zeke Elliott, Devonta Freeman, and Aaron Jones to starting Rex Burkhead and Duke Johnson Jr. in his great time of need. Freeman could be out multiple games with a concussion. Zeke is gone until week 16 (the championship if Joe makes it). Aaron Jones is out 3 to six so he could at bets make the playoffs. Joe went from his best-case scenario being a division championship and 2 wins from glory to hopefully his second-best player only missing 1 game. Jones and Zeke are essentially done for the year and Freeman can’t afford to be gone for more than a week. Even worse, Joe is 5th on the waiver wire meaning even if he had put in waiver claims this week, he would’ve been choosing 3rd at replacement running backs (ultimately, he picked 4th). One week of awful luck focused specifically on one position might’ve spoiled another promising season for Joe.

Playoff Scenarios

Schwifty Division

Sam has clinched the division title in the Schwifty. In theory, Pat could beat Sam this week and win out and then Sam could lose out but then Butler would still need to net 210.7 points on Sam in 3 weeks. So barring Pat scoring 200+ points for the next 3 weeks… Sam has it won.

Pat has a 0.5 game lead over Phil for second in the division. If Phil ever ties his record, he would overtake Pat on points. If Pat wins out, he will claim at least the 2 seed in the division. Otherwise, he will need Phil to lose a game for every one he drops if he wants to claim the automatic playoff spot. Charlie can only claim the 2nd seed in the division if he wins out, Pat loses out, and Phil drops a game in the next two weeks. If Phil wins his next two games, Charlie can only jump him by winning out and netting 56 points on Phil. I can claim the 2nd seed by winning out, and Pat dropping one of his next two.

Wubalubadubdub Division

Jacob has almost locked up the conference crown. If he wins this week (or any week moving forward) he will officially have claimed the Wubalubadubdub division. Jacob owns the H2H sweep against locket and a 119.4 points-for advantage over Joe. The only way for Jacob to lose the division is for him to lose all 3 of his remaining game while either Pat or Joe win all three of their remaining games. If both teams win out and Jacob loses out, the week 16 matchup between Joe and Pat would be for the division crown.

Second place is between Joe, Pat, and Brian obviously. Joe is in a very tenuous position, he could win out the 2 seed in the division somehow, he could also drop to a 30% playoff chance by next Tuesday. He holds a 1 game advantage over Brian and the H2H tiebreak over Pat (until week 16 at least). A tie between Joe and Pat after week 13 would go to Pat off of a points tiebreaker. Essentially, if they both go 1-1 or better in their next two games, week 16 winner takes the 2 seed. Brian is an outside contender to claim the second seed but he can do so by winning out over the next week 3 games. He has to beat Pat this week, but if he does, he simply has to tie for 2nd with Joe at 6-6 or 7-6. Brian could also be flat out eliminated from playoff contention this week. If all the favorites win (Phil, Butler, Charlie, Lockett, and Jacob), Brian would have a 20.0% chance of making the top 6.

Wild Card

There’s a lot to play out here. You need to finish with a better record than 4 teams (3 if you don’t count Nick). Candidates to fall permanently into the bottom 4, from most to least likely:

Thomas

Charlie

Brian

Joe

Phil

6 wins might be enough now, but 3 of those 5 will miss out on the playoffs.

Week 11 At A Glance

(feat. PJ Lightning)

Preterbinary Boggender @ Harrisonburg 21-16

PJ Lightning:

Coming off a rare loss, Jacob is looking to bounce back this week against Joe; and honestly, it should be pretty easy. Joe got sucker punched and then teabagged by the injury gods last week and is now extremely desperate for RB’s. He will be relying on Rex Burkhead and Duke Johnson this week as Zeke is still suspended, Freeman has a concussion, and Aaron Jones tore his MCL. He will have to hope for another big game from Robert Woods to carry his team. We’ll be rooting for you Joe as the underdog, but things aren’t looking great.

Pick: Jacob

Thomas:

Joe’s running backs are like his team's gender… never heard of ‘em. GOT EEM!

Pick: Jacob

O.J. Broncos @ Call Me Big Popp-ah (-2.6)

Thomas:

This game doesn’t really matter for Sam anymore. He officially clinched the division already and has a first-round bye so it’s possible his players could lack the motivation to win this one. If he were still chasing a perfect season, maybe they’d be up for it. That one loss really changes the mindset of his team until they play for something real again in 4 weeks.

Pat is emerging as a team that could consider giving Sam a run. This week will be a good litmus test to see if Pat can hang. It’s like the swim test you took at summer camp to see how deep in the water you were allowed to be. LOL if you could only go ankle deep.

I think Pat could win this one with a revitalized RB corps but ultimately, he’ll fall short as Sam is just humming right now. He is currently scoring 18.1 points a game ABOVE THE LEAGUE AVERAGE. That’s more than double the next closest at 9.0!

Pick: Sam

Falls Church FOBS @ Squanchtown Squanchers

PJ Lightning:

Phil finally stopped his slide last week against Nick, but does that really count? I’ll say yes as he put up a good amount of points. Phil made a controversial blockbuster trade 2 weeks ago, trading away Michael Crabtree (who wasn’t playing due to his strong receiving corps of Brown, Baldwin, and Theilen) for Derek Carr as his team’s QB play has been subpar. We’ll see starting this week if Carr can help turnaround Phil’s team. Wait, what? He forgot that Mariota was playing on Thursday?! Mariota threw 3 picks??? Wow. Way to fuck this one up Phil, hopefully for your sake it doesn’t come back to bite you. With Brown going for 36 on Thursday, maybe he doesn’t have to hope too much. Thomas’ team, on the other hand, will be leaning on Blake Bortles this week as Cam is on a bye. HAHAHAHA good luck with that one. Thomas had a tough RB decision this week, but he went with Mixon and Crowell. I’m sure this decision will eat at Thomas if he gets the hunger foul this week. This is close to a must win this week for Thomas as he’s sitting at only 4 wins. He’ll be relying on Shady and Evans to go off this week. Good luck sir, but since Brown already scored 36, I’ll go with Phil this week.

Pick: Phil

Red Wedding @ Gnarly Kneelers

PJ Lightning:

The Lockett Rocket has regained momentum with 2 straight wins after some bad luck to start the season. Brian has been reeling of late with the loss of David Johnson still stinging. At 4-6 this game is basically a must-win for Brian as 7 wins are usually what is needed to get into the playoffs. He’ll be trotting out Cousins this week after last weeks’ QB debacle. He’s also turning to T.J. Yeldon this week with Fournette and Ivory limited, that’s a desperate move, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Gnarly Kneelers (or RB University as it’s been the last 3 seasons) will ride once again on Fournette, Gordon and Thompson, 3 of the top 10 fantasy RB’s right now. That’s ridiculous. Combine that with the #1 QB in Wilson and a top 10 receiver and TE, Pat is looking like an unstoppable force on paper. This is shaping up to be a blowout. Good luck, Brian.

Pick: Pat (the other Pat not me)

Thomas:

Brian would be a heavy favorite to make the playoffs if he wasn’t in the middle of his schedule’s toughest stretch. His team is fully capable of putting up top numbers, things just haven’t really bounced his way this year. Brian can’t make a wrong QB choice if he only has 1 QB. Maybe Captain Kirk gets rolling and Doug Martin learns to touchdown. Even if Brian’s team put up another 100+ point showing, Pat could just outscore him entirely.

Russell Wilson is back with a newly relocated jaw (oddly enough, Pat only has 1 QB on the roster too). Pat is currently just the 2nd unluckiest team at -22% (Nick is first at -26%). He’s one of just 3 teams average more than the league mean. Brian is close to breaking the threshold at -0.2 but he’s still as far back from Pat (9.0) as Pat is from Sam.

Leonard Fournette is back in the lineup and Thompson could be the best FLEX starter in the league. Brian is going to be competitive but Pat is hitting a groove

Pick: Pat

HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY @ Kings of Leon

PJ Lightning:

I know Nick doesn’t read these anymore as he’s been eliminated so I’ll put this bluntly. You better not fuck this up, Charlie. This should be a cakewalk. Nick really isn’t trying anymore and his team has underperformed all year. Charlie also really needs this win as he sits at 4-6. This shouldn’t be an issue though especially with Big Ben getting 32 on Thursday night. I would say good luck, Charlie, but you shouldn’t need it. Get the job done.

Pick: Charlie

Thomas:

This game will either vault Charlie into the necessary momentum for a playoff run or toss him into the pit of misery. Big Ben put up mad points already but the real bellwether for Chuck is Ingram. As Marky Mark goes, so does the brooding hedonistic horde of fantasy ballers that Chuck heads up. If he goes for 30, Charlie wins; If he goes for 0, Charlie loses, there is no in between.

Nick still hasn’t been able to cuck anyone. I really want to name his team “The Mighty Cucks” next year if we get the chance.

Pick: Chuck