Week 14 - FUCKING PLAYOFFS MAN
- Thomas
- Dec 8, 2017
- 7 min read
"I'm gonna coach this team as long as my key card works."
- Ben McAdoo, shortly before being fired
Hey, I’m late on this again and the Eagles lost so no fun gifs and shit.
END OF SEASON AWARDS:
We’ve got a few end-of-the-regular-season awards to hand out:
SEC Strength of Schedule Award
WINNER:
Gnarly Kneelers
I guess the SEC re-earned its naming rights on this trophy… This goes to the owner who had the worst luck in having to face the most points being scored against them this season. Last season, Joe made won this award handily, facing 1,502.4 points against him this season, the only player to face scoring over the 1,500 mark. This year, Pat won the award with 1481.8 points against. Pat wasn’t too far above the league average but someone has to win this award. You may remember we singled out Pat for his shit luck back in like week 9 because he was playing the top scoring player every week. Somehow Pat overcame the league’s toughest schedule to make the playoffs. That’s two years in a row the SEC Schedule award winner has made the postseason… Iron sharpens iron fam.
Birdperson Memorial Trophy
WINNER:
Harrisonburg 21-16
For the second year in a row, this division was won in the stretch from week 3 to week 11. In those 9 weeks, Jacob went 8-1, averaging 113.3 points per game. He ultimately only won the division by 1 game with a record of 8-5 (two games worse than PLo last year) and a winning percentage of .615.
Show Me What You Got
WINNER:
Call Me Big Popp-ah
Just like Charlie last season, Sam pretty much went wire-to-wire with this one. He and I were tied for first in the division after week, he never gave up control of first place from there on out. Sam is currently on an 11-game win streak with no sign of cooling off anytime soon. Things look very different from last year when Charlie won the division despite only outscoring Phil in the division. Sam not only leads his conference in scoring but he tops the whole league. He’s the clear favorite heading into the post-season… no pressure.
The Blue Crab Bowl
WINNER:
Call Me Big Popp-ah
The Blue Crab Bowl goes to the team with the best record at the end of the regular season. In 2015, I won on a tiebreaker over Jacob at 9-5… it hasn’t been close since. Last year, Pat won this award by a margin of 3 games. Somehow Sam found a way to run that out to 4 games. I think after this year I’m confident that 5 wins are the absolute margin for this thing so very impressive, Samwise. He will look to defend his regular season crown in 2 weeks when he begins to play in the playoff semis.
Get Buckets
WINNER: Call Me Big Popp-ah
The Uncle Drew Get Buckets award goes to the league’s scoring leader. This season Pat took home the award with 1581.8 points. Sam scored 21.2 less than Pat last year and was 71.9 shy of the league record. Sam won the scoring title by 160.1 points over Jacob!!! Last year’s margin was 14. This is the first season the winner of this trophy hasn’t gone over 1600 points for the season.
UPCOMING AWARDS:
The Dennis Price MVP Award will go to the team with the player who scored the most points in the fantasy season.
The Bechelli Flex MVP will go to the team with non-QB player who scored the most points in the fantasy season (since MVP is just gonna go to a [waiver added] QB every year for the rest of time)
Owner of the Year: We’re going to each nominate up to 2 people (since you’re all gonna probably nominate yourselves anyways) and eliminate our way down to 2 or 3 final choices from there which we will decide on as the season ends. Nominations are currently open below:
PLAYOFF PREVIEW:
Sam and Jacob both claim first-round byes, as winners of their divisions.
Our Wild Card round will consist of Butler taking on Phil and Brian taking on Lockett.
There is a nice visual above to help you follow the playoff so that I don’t have to talk very much about how I’m not in it… 3 of last year’s 4 playoff teams did not make a return trip (again). If you’re especially observant you’ll notice that the regular season results have led to an interesting seeding situation. The wildcards of the bracket happen to be entirely separated by division meaning we will have a true divisional playoff round to open the post season.
Without further ado.
Week 13 Review
Gnarly Kneelers 111.8 @ Preterbinary Boggender 92.9
Joe fucked over Charlie with this loss. Joe was super selfish basically and Charlie just needed him to beat Pat so Charlie could bump them Pat from the playoffs (and Joe might’ve gotten in with my loss too). Instead, Joe fucked it up. Alex Smith pulled a Joe, coming up just short (of being a top 5 all-time scoring performance) while Joe gave 92.9 “The Wave” WVBW the hugest of shout outs with his score. Really though, aside from Alex Smith, Joe’s entire roster shit the bed while also throwing up on the bed and also wetting the bed. Also, some guys Pat started did well, others didn’t do well, he still won… that doesn’t matter as much as really just Joe fucked it all up and blew it. A lot of people were counting on you. Joe has now lost 4 straight. He went from second in the division at 5-4 to out of the playoffs at 5-8 :( I feel bad for Joe because last year he fought to be in the playoffs and then lost so soon and now this year he had such promise only to see it all fade away. Only 8 months ‘til next year, pal.
Joe fucked up:
Call Me Big Popp-ah 141.4 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 99.3
If anyone thought Sam would take it easy in a game that meant nothing, think again, you dumbass! Sam ended his regular season with an incredibly aggressive 141, just to remind us all who is wearing the pants going into the playoffs. Every single player on Sam’s roster went for double digits (I may make this a trophy soon). Jacob didn’t need a win this week, so perhaps he used a dummy playbook in case he sees Sam again in the Finals. Travis Kelce was really his only major point scorer to show up. Both of these teams will enjoy a week off before facing the “true” 2 seeds in their own divisions to earn a shot at the JPFL Jimbo Slice Footnugget Cup.
Sam reminded up who the boss is:
HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY 151.9 @ Falls Church FOBS 98.2
Welp, Charlie knew going into this one there was a chance he would win and still lose out on a playoff spot to Phil. Unfortunately, he didn’t just win, he ate Phil’s soul. If Charlie could’ve beaten Phil all the way back in week 1, this win would’ve been his ticket to the playoffs. His team put up a 75 in that game, his lowest score of the year. It’s almost poetic that he opens with a season-low vs Phil, then closes with a redemptive season high vs Phil and still misses out. Moral victories aren’t all their made out to be… Phil will look to regroup as he challenges potentially vulnerable 3 seed Butler for the right to advance and play Jacob. It’ll be an uphill battle for Phil to win the title this year.
When you balled out and it don’t even matter:
Squanchtown Squanchers 76.6 @ O.J. Broncos 125.2
I think after Thursday night I pretty much expected a loss here, so I actually spent Sunday rooting for Joe to blow it so that I wouldn’t technically have blown it for myself. Thanks, Joe, for that American motor industry sized bailout. I almost put up my lowest score ever in a (kind of) critical week 13 showdown with Butler. His 125.2 points really came out of nowhere though, hopefully, he wasn’t edging himself for a big playoff outburst against Sam. He’d be out of gas now. Tom Brady only went off for 10 points but Pat’s RBs each gained like 20. So, essentially, he saw how his team would look if he drafted RBs and was just ok with having even Brock Osweiler at QB. Pat needs to recharge and go for another 100-point showing quickly though, ¼ season favorite, Phil, is waiting in the wild-card round.
Thoughts on Pat running up the score in a meaningless game:
Kings of Leon 67.6 @ Red Wedding 161.1
This is Nick’s season in a nutshell, just brutal. Brian almost ran him up for a 100-point margin of victory. This game set a lot of records. I’m pretty sure Nick now has the lowest scoring season and lowest PPG season mark. Brian also now holds the record for the biggest win at 93.5. He beat the previous mark by like 20 points it was insane. Had AJs late touchdown actually counted, Brian also would’ve set the mark for highest score in JPFL single-game history. Brian’s win really just asserted his team as BACK in contention heading into the wild-card round. Brian will face Lockett in the 4 vs 5 matchup.
How was the season Nick?
The Last Power Rankings
*updated as of 12/07 10:48PM
Now that the power rankings are done, I guess we can look at the season as a whole too:
The only action this week revolved around the 3, 4 and 5 slots. Lockett made the playoffs and reaffirmed himself as a title contender in the eyes of the power rankings. Meanwhile, Phil’s loss has dropped him into fringe wildcard range in the metrics, he’ll have to prove them wrong this week
It’s also interesting to note how stratified the bottom half of these rankings have become. The rankings were very volatile early one with lots of lines crossing, but as the season progressed, it seems the bottom sifted itself out more than the top pulled away.
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