The Offseason - And So It Begins...

“How much has spending most of the offseason in prison affected Jamal Lewis’ poor start”

– Chris Collinsworth

Don’t know if I’ll ever find an offseason quote better than that tbh… get used to it.

Sorry I haven’t been nearly as active this offseason. The Eagles won the Super Bowl so I was a little preoccupied and my involvement in some things at work has gone way up (looking at you college sports) so shit happens… I’ll try to be better for the regular season but

The schedule is coming together, soon it will be out

The website is completely up to date now. browse around and remember years past... League stats are current as well. Jacob has started to separate himself as the top owner in the league. Catch the fuck up guys.

College football is back today. Everybody go bet the Over on CSU/HAW, and then get some beers and buckle up buckeroo.

I’ll just try to be quick so we can get the ball rolling on some cool stuffz and have a good year.

This Thursday we have the shittiest lineup for preseason because its week 4 so just watch Purdue take on Northwestern instead, trust me.

Without further ado.

AWARDS:

Dennis Price MVP Award

This year’s Dennis Price MVP award goes to:

Russell Wilson - QB, Gnarly Kneelers

3,983 passing yards, 586 rushing yards, 37 Total TD = 368.3points

Aaron Rodgers had 41.3 points to claim this award last year. Take what you want from that but I’m interpreting it as last year was played on a lesser difficulty… sorry, Sam, your title is tainted.

Bechelli Flex MVP award

This year’s Bechelli Flex MVP award goes to:

Todd Gurley II - RB, Call Me Big Popp-ah

1,305 rushing yards, 788 receiving yards, 19 Total TD = 346.3 points

Owner of the Year Presented by Sage Dining:

Uh, we still didn’t vote for this… because I suck… so vote here, you have to make two selections because I already knew you were voting for yourselves anyways.

Hunger Foul of the Year

Saquon Barkley for Heisman: 109.1 Points (Week 5)

Two years in a row I’ve won this award… nbd but in kind of a big deal. Just sayin. There is some hope though, last time around I posted 122.5 points (good enough to outscore 73.4% of scores posted). This time around I shaved 13 points off my score… I didn’t go back this time around to see how often 109 points would’ve been good enough to win but considering how much you all suck it would probably be a lot.

Waiver Move of the Year

O.J. Broncos

Add QB Andy Dalton Drop RB Thomas Rawls (week 9)

SCALE 1 to 10:

This was one of my favorite waiver moves last year, mostly because Pat walked me through what he was gonna do and I knew it was coming.

This waiver move was so great because it was so savage. Phil needed a QB for the week with both of his roster players on BYE (and one being out for the year). He waits ‘til Sunday to look at his lineup and Pat knows it. So Pat basically throw away waiver priority and scrap RB (not a ton but still) just to force Phil into a shit situation. Pat decided to take up juicy waiver option Andy Dalton (who went for 21 points that week) and left Phil to get by on scraps. Phil’s choice, Trevor Siemian, had negative points into the fourth quarter of a Monday Night Loss and probably won’t ever play a snap in the NFL again. Savage Waiver move and a serious reminder that there’s always more strategy to fantasy than just helping your own roster.

Bad Luck of the Year

Preterbinary Boggender

The Running Back Position (week 11)

In case you don’t remember, back around week 11 Joe pretty much hit rock bottom… In less than 2 weeks, he went from a running back trio of Zeke Elliott, Devonta Freeman, and Aaron Jones to starting Rex Burkhead and Duke Johnson Jr. in his most important fantasy game of the year. Freeman was out multiple games with a concussion. Zeke was out until week 16 (the championship that Joe was not gonna get an invite to). Aaron Jones was out like 4 weeks. Jones and Zeke were essentially done for the year and Freeman getting close. I think this was a 2-week span in which Joe went from in the driver’s seat for division champ to not having a reason to set his lineup. Very preterbinary of you.

Offseason At A Glance

We just finished the NFL Draft a month ago, so the offseason is still young. We’ve got about 3 months until we start warming this beautiful beast of a league back up to run again, enjoy the time off from having to care about sports.

Draft Order

So our Plockett Rocket put on his thinking cap and presented the following idea (which we’ve agreed to and put into the constitution):

Draft Order will now be decided off of the Parrot Demerit Beer Mile.

The person running the beer mile (our last place finisher) automatically receives the first pick in the draft… the rest of us will compete for picks 2-10.

We will all submit blind guesses for Joe’s total time in the beer mile (that’s time drinking + running). The closest guess will receive their choice of available picks, working back to the worst guess.

Any ties will be resolved based on last year’s standings, with the better finishing owner receiving the earlier selection.

I’ll send out something for submitting your guesses closer to that weekend, once the beers have been determined.

Keepers

Keepers are back and better than ever… here are the keeper rules as a refresher:

The keeper method we will be using is keep by round selected, with a seventh-round cap (nine starting spots minus two for Kicker and D/ST). Essentially, you will be keeping your player by sacrificing the draft pick you hold in the round they were drafted. If your player was drafted in last year’s first round, you will be selecting that player with your first round pick… if they were taken in the 5th then you will use your 5th round pick… if they were a free agent acquisition or taken later than round 7, they will be treated as a round 7 pick and you will pick them in the 7th.

A couple of quirks within the system:

If you acquired a player via trade, we will go based on what round that player was drafted in by his original owner (same rules as explained above).

If you have traded the pick(s) you have in the round in which that player was acquired (i.e. you’re keeping a player you took in the 4th but have traded your 4th round pick for this year) you will lose the closest prior pick to the round your keeper would’ve been (in that scenario the player would lose their 3rd round pick).

If you have acquired an additional pick in your keeper round (i.e. keeping your third-round player and traded for another 3rd round pick) you will lose the earliest pick you have in that round.

If you are keeping the player you kept last season, it will cost the round you took them in last year minus 1… so a 3rd round keeper last year will cost a 2nd round pick this year…

You can check out all of these rules in further detail in the League Constitution on the website.

You can make your Keeper selection Here.

Keeper selections are due by Tuesday, September 2nd at noon.

Rule/Structure Changes

As with every offseason, now is your chance to send me any rule/scoring changes you’d like the league to vote on. We’ll vote on these in the Note I’m sending out next Wednesday.

Some things to look at:

- Possible scoring tweaks.

- Weekly Top Score prize/pot

- Changing free agents/waivers to a Free Agent Auction Bid system.

- Loopholes you noticed last season

- Other things that I didn’t think of

No formal submission link here… if you have a proposal, just reach out to me via whatever medium you prefer.

Hold on there, Joe, don't think I forgot about you

Last year Joe claimed The Parrot Demerit (possibly his first-lifetime demerit)… As a result, he has to do the following:

- Run the Beer Mile

- Give up naming rights of his team to the league, decided by a weekly poll of submitted name ideas

- Write a season-in-review haiku about last year for each team

- Sing the national anthem before the draft

Let’s start with the Beer Mile… Sam, Jacob, Pat, and Phil. If you haven’t already… I need each of you to send me your beer selection for Joe ASAP… the only rules are that it has to be a standard, 12 oz beer (sorry Jacob no mini-kegs/40s), at the standard 5% alcohol or greater.

We’re very much honing in on Labor Day weekend for the beer mile… Might run/film it at CHS but I think like alcohol and school campuses don’t mix according to the laws of America so we may have to find another option… we’ll see.

As far as naming Joe’s team. We’re going to have a allow submissions until Tuesday, with a league vote coming every Wednesday. Some of you have sent me name ideas already, if you have one you want us to vote on, just shoot me a text or something.

Submissions for a name can be given to me anytime, they’ll just go into the pool of names for whenever the next voting date is. We’ll vote every week on a name that I will place onto Joe’s team (nice little LM power ESPN gives me, I can change all your team names). Joe can win back his naming rights by having a winning record at any point after week 7.

Bye, for now.

Next time we chit chat I’ll have your schedule. We’ll discuss rule changes and get draft update… ‘til then, it’s a beach day so peace out brown trout.