The PreSeason - Let's Get This Out Of The Way

“Speed kills, first down.” – John Madden Football 1996

Hey Y'all, this one is short, sweet, and to the point. We got shit to cover and little time to do it.

Without further ado.

Schedule Release

No fancy video this year because I’m more busy (sic) and less bored. Let’s take a look at my complex schedule matrix... it even makes my fucking head hurt so I don’t even know why I use it. bold initials are home teams. Translate this shit like Rosetta Stone(r) and let’s get it. Also, you can just look at your schedule on the ESPN page, that’s up to dizzate.

Notable matchups:

I dunno, uh…

Title rematch to open the year as always….

Pat v Pat is 2 weeks before Halloween, that’s always a good one.

Look at the schedule. Find someone you hate and text them

“see you on (insert date here) bitch” and they’re gonna be so mentally fucked thinking about that game for a month plus that you murder them… just an insider trading tip (right Mychal Kendricks ;)

Rule & Structure Change Voting

Here it is

Vote or die

Draft Update

Draft Order

As we’ve mentioned before, we’re using Joe’s beer mile punishment to determine the draft order. Joe will be the first pick but everything else (2-10) is up for grabs

Everyone will submit a guess for Joe’s beer mile here:

Pat and I have already placed guesses, so we don’t have an advantage of knowing your responses.

The closest guess (over or under) gets to pick their draft slot from the remaining choices… from there we work our way until the furthest guess is left with whatever spot is remaining.

Drinking time is included in Joe’s beer mile. So if you think he will run the mile in 10 minutes and spend 10 minutes drinking, your guess should be 20 minutes.

Clicky Draft

We’re doing clicky draft again this year. It worked flawlessly last year I’d say. Allows us to pause if someone has an issue and is completely flexible for our keeper needs.

Once again, I’ll send a link out before the draft, you’ll simply need to claim your team before the draft and then click the link once draft time rolls around.

The draft is NEXT WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5th at 8:00 PM

Keeper Reminder

Keepers are due at noon on Tuesday, September 4th

Keeper rules have been laid out a million times before, they're also in the league constitution so go look around if you need the deets

Submit your keeper (or update your prior selection) here

Joe’s Stuff

Name Voting

Until 1) it is after week 7 and 2) Joe has a winning record, we get to name his team via a weekly league vote.

After collecting your name submissions for a week, here are the options

Whatever name is selected will be used for the draft and week 1 of the season.

Haikus

Sam

Sam was probably

using steroids… I would know

since I’m a doctor

Jacob

You got second place

L O L you fucking bitch

Try harder next time

Pat L

Third place is ok.

At least It isn’t second,

you anthem kneelers.

Phil

Pearl Harbor Pearl Har

bor Pearl Harbor Pearl Harbor

I’ll never forget

Brian

Last year you won this

What the fuck happened this time?

Dyspareunia

Pat

Let’s be honest here,

Your season was very bland.

Forgot what happened…

Charlie

The less fucks you give,

the better you tend to do:

The rule of the Gwode.

Thomas

Did you know that the

Eagles won the Super Bowl?

Yes, it did happen.

Nick

Last year I was good

This year, uh, not so much, but

L O L at Joe

Joe

I got last place. it

Was not my fault you can trust

me. I’m a doctor.

Beer Mile Beer List

Our top 4 from last year have submitted their beer choices. Joe will drink one of these before each ¼ mile leg of his run. We will work from 4th place to first so without further ado, here is your 2018 Parrot Demerit Beer Mile Lineup:

Beer 1 – Blue Moon

Chosen by: Phil Palting

Starting off with a Belgian-style witbier. Dunno how I’d like opening up things with this one but that’s because I mainly just don’t like Belgians. Interesting hurdle one for Joe

Beer 2 – Smirnoff Ice

Chosen by: Pat Lockett

Smirnoff is technically a malt so I’m allowing it. Plus the flavors should make it go down easy. TBH this could be treated as a nice refreshing break in the run for Joe. Pretty sure VA laws state you gotta go to one knee anthem style to drink this bad boy

Beer 3 – Golden Monkey

Chosen by: Jacob Wild

Had to expect Jacob to come through with the most alcoholic choice. A six pack of these will probably kill you. Not sure how quick Joe is gonna drink this because of the flavors but you gotta do what you gotta do… good luck

Beer 4 – Sweet Baby Jesus