Week 1 - The NFL is a Flat Circle, Welcome Back

“The Eagles have won the Super Bowl.” – Meryl Reese

Hey guys, welcome to the 2018 Season. Like I said, the LM note will be shorter this year because I’m busier. Opening remarks are likely where that will be most evident. I’ll try not to skimp too hard but especially this week, when we drafted yesterday and I'm literally typing this while we’re on air… it’s gonna be short…. Just like the dumbass patriots' attempt to knock off the birds. Whaddup.

Plenty of talent to go to waste on….. wait a minute…. Never mind… FOOTBALL IS BACK BABY!!!! RAISE THAT FUCKING BANNER! POP THE BUD LIGHT! BRING OUT THE STRIPPERS!

Without further ado.

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Draft Review

Grades (also these are the preseason power rankings)

1) Harrisonburg 21-16

100% = A+

I guess Jacob getting first in the draft grades shows us how much numbers like pass catchers this year. The core of Jacob’s team is Nuk Hopkins and Julio Jones. If they both see 1K yards and 10+ TDs… Jacob will be in the playoffs. Jay Ajayi and Jordan Howard have to carry the load at RB but Stafford and the wideouts (Ertz included) should make Jacob a very tough out any week.

Gif grade:

2) Plockett Like Its Hawt

98.7% = A

TBH I don’t see what metrics could place Jacob’s team ahead of Pats… they’re both built around a deadly 2-wr combo, the difference being Pat has a true tier 1 RB… Between AB, AJ, Gordon and Watson Pat could hit a floor of 80 a week like my goodness. Hopefully, DeShaun closing his eyes and throwing 60-yard bombs into double coverage won’t work out 90% of the time like it did last year ;)

Gif grade:

3) Marian’s Bitch

93.1% = A-

Marian’s Bitch breaks up the wideout party up top with his death star running back stable. With Zeke and Gurley you have to win the league or at least make the playoffs. I’m legit struggling to think of a way that Marian’s Bitch will be able to get beaten this year. Like Marian’s Bitch could honestly set his lineup today and leave it until December and I bet he makes the playoffs… The benefits of last place are long-term and Marian’s Bitch is finally reaching the “long” part of the term…. (icyww, yeah I type these out and then Control+F joes name and replace it)

Gif grade:

4) Super Bowl Champion Eagles

89.7% = B+

Hey, finally a team from the Schwifty division. My team is the best, obviously and you’re wrong if you disagree. My fantasy team is highly rootable since I'm not gonna win anyways. This is a fun time to talk shit about everyone else in my division and how much the number hate them. Like, I'm all the way up here at 4 and everyone else is filling out the bottom of the bottom 5… Hey guys, if you can hear me down there, keep up. TBH, it’s not fair because I have Saquon, the best football player of all time. Good luck

Gif grade:

5) Red Wedding

88.5% = B+

Brian had an 88.9 and took 5th in the preseason power rankings last year… Conspiracy theory or mad consistent… hmm…. I think a lot of Brian’s season hinges on who emerges at the WR2 spot. If Diggs earns that money, then Brian is looking at another playoff trip. Breezy and DJ have high carry potential, but it will be interesting to see how the rest of the roster fills out in support.

Gif grade:

6) Call Me Big Popp-ah

88.3% = B+

Was about to say, off the top of my head, I'm not sure why Sam is down here… then I saw the wideouts. At first look, Sam is gonna win or lose at the running back position this year. Robinson and Davis are both high ceiling guys, the problem is ARob needs to stay healthy and then teach Mitch to throw and Davis needs to show up quite frankly. If either of those guys can reach their potential, Sam might become the first back to back JPFL champ. The 3 headed RB monster should get him pretty far, can the wideouts get him over the hump?

Gif grade:

7) The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9

85.0% = B

These guys are total cucks, moving on

Gif grade:

8) Falls Church FOBS

76.1% = C

Ideally, LeVeon Bell holds out all year and Phil suffers. Either way, Phil isn’t gonna win games with his RB stable… If the passes fly and the yard line up the right way. Phil can build off of last year’s 4th place finish

Gif grade:

9) HEDONISM V: CHUCK’S FOLLY

74.8% = C

Another vintage Chuck draft and another vintage chuck squad. I’ll just go ahead and state the obvious, it all rides on Royce Freeman. If he’s worth the first-round pick, Charlie has playoff potential. The senior squad needs to stay healthy, but overall the lineup is loaded with reliable vets.

Gif grade:

10) Kings of Leon

74.6% = C (nick refuses to use this logo:()

Nick picks up where he left off last season. The no keeper decision was interesting (especially when Hill went round three and hunt went round 1) but Nick isn’t necessarily lacking for star power. Fournette, Thomas and Brady can all carry and Henry could join that tier in his first solo season. I dunno why Nick is so low here but maybe Dan Bailey being a free agent has something to do with it.

Gif grade:

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