Week 1 - Aw Shit, Here We Go Again

“I love football. Football is my life”

– Wayne Rooney

Ok fuck that, play the classic

Hey guys, hope the season is treating you well so far

I know week one can often feel easy to write off but a lesson I took away from last season is how important one month of football is. 4 games is 25% of the NFL season (so like 33% of ours). So go 1-3 over a month and you’re super fucked believe it or not.

You’re going to need 6 wins to be playoff competitive. Dropping week one means you need to be .500 for the rest of the year just to hit 6, winning game 1 means you just need to go .500 the rest of the year to be in. quite a difference.

3/4 teams to be in the consolation bracket last year lost in week 1. The only team to win, Chuck, beat another consolation team so…

Week 1 has been good to the league. The scoring average is 111.03 and if you remove the really bad 2017 (when we averaged 99) the number has been closer to 114.3.

The Week 1 scoring record belongs to PLockett at fucking 168.3.

Good luck touching that everyone. No, that’s not a Sandusky joke.

(Nick, let that gif serve as your official “welcome to the league” moment)

The lowest week 1 total? Jacob (who ironically was on the receiving end of Pat’s 168.3 monster dicking) hanging a 63.9 in his first JPFL game ever back in 2015

A few milestones on the line this week:

Sam is looking to become the first JPFL owner with 40 career wins to his name, it would be his 34th regular-season win. Brian and Jacob could become the 3rd and 4th owners to hit the 30-win mark on the regular season, behind Sam and Pat L. And, of course, Nick Butler going for his first win ever in his inaugural JPFL matchup (if you’re wondering the other Nick is at 19 career wins as the next “newest” owner).

And the biggest milestone of all, Charlie is looking for his first win ever against Pat Lockett!! He is currently 0-5 in that matchup.

The other head to head (for the week) records as they stand:

Brian 3 – 5 Jacob

Joe 3 – 5 Sam

Thomas 3 – 1 Nick L

Nick B 0 – 0 Pat B (oooooh the intrigue)

Without further ado.

Draft Review

Grades (Courtesy of Fantasy Pros)

Once again, these numbers aren’t mine at all. FantasyPros aggregates the top fantasy “experts” and gives an Expert Consensus Ranking (ECR). These roster scores are ultimately based on those. You’ll see the Draft Score FanPros gave you, your projected record (based on your schedule lined up vs your roster’s schedule, etc.), and your chance of making the playoffs, all as calculated by an independent 3rd party.

The commentary isn’t mine either, it came from divine inspiration so I much give due credit.

1) Call Me Big Popp-ah

100% = A+

Projected Record: (8-5)

Playoff Odds: 86%

So, initial reaction, the AI are learning. This is scary. Sam’s team is good but 6 points better than anyone else… all alone in the S tier? From a basic roster comparison, I don’t think you’d just slap Sam as a curve smashing 100, no offense. Good roster, yes. Julie Logan level, no. Only possible explanation is that the AI has learned. They know that Sam wins every year so they’re banking on it happening again. Basic Bama rules. BUT IT’S A COMPUTER THAT’S LEARNING. Once they start learning they won’t stop, they’re like little Asian babies. They just learn and crunch numbers and spit out an unending reign of numerical terror. We’ve got to stop this monster. We have to end what we have set in motion. We have unleashed an unknown power and it must be put back! WIPED CLEAN! Maybe Sam’s team and the AI are actually one. A joint, unstoppable force. Maybe that’s how he does it…. Is Sam a computer? Is Sam an advertisement?

Gif Grade:

2) VT 35 ODU 49

94% = A-

Projected Record: (7-6)

Playoff Odds: 78%

Pat just keeps letting the draft come to him (like Epstein treated billionaires) and it works out. Diving in when other pat got gun shy on Zeke, snagging up Matt Ryan who quietly put up actual MVP numbers last season. There were a lot of value-centric picks in Pat’s draft, take a peep any of you looking for a lesson in FF consistency. Pat held this same spot in last year’s preseason draft rankings which is fitting for reasons we’ve been over a million times. Who knows if Pat's record will suffer the same bad luck as last year but the roster once again has the depth and flexibility to be competitive all year no matter what.

3) Fitzmagic

90% = B+

Projected Record: (6-7)

Playoff Odds: 60%

Another solid draft for Brian. Pat and I were curious about the decision to keep Chubb round 4 instead of Hill but I think it ended up paying off nicely. Brian potentially has the league-best ½ punch at wideout and could easily see a 60 point day from that position any week. I guess the crux of this team is the QB position? Does the decision to willingly take last dib at QB and TE work out? Is the trade-off in talent elsewhere enough to carry? Does the team even need to carry? If Jameis or Goff blow up this year Brian might take the league by storm.

Gif Grade:

4) Hurricane Nuke Force 1

82% = B-

Projected Record: (6-7)

Playoff Odds: 57%

My team. Good team. Best team. Win Game! Go, Team! Go Me!

Gif Grade:

5) Harrisonburg 21-16

78% = B-

Projected Record: (7-6)

Playoff Odds: 61%

A very deep roster IMO. Perfect decision to handcuff Gurley with Henderson. Ertz offers WR scoring with consistency to provide a solid bottom line whenever Julio has a famine over feast game. Dak and Cam could be considered a risky QB duo but Cam has just too much upside and MVP potential to pass up and Dak is in a contract year so he could be a solid matchup QB, like in week 1. I’d expect this team to be consistent like the reminder its namesake has been for us.

Gif Grade:

It’s moving, you’re totally just too high to perceive it.

6) Big Dick Nick

74% = C+

Projected Record: (7-6)

Playoff Odds: 69%

I had a whole preview written up but it didn’t fit… I’m sorry, this doesn’t usually happen. I don’t know what to say. I mean I feel bad like I enjoyed doing it and I wanted you to enjoy it too but I mean I dunno it just usually fits here ya know. I’ll call you an uber.

Gif Grade:

7) Joe’s Team

73% = C

Projected Record: (6-7)

Playoff Odds: 52%

An interesting roster this year. Joe got auto-drafted Conner and Kelce. He’s rocking a very boom or bust WR crop and a very dichotomous QB pairing with pocket passer Phil Rivers and Lamar “New Vick” Jackson. Aside from Jeremy Sprinkles, a lot of Joe’s success this year could come down to the Melvin Gordon holdout. If he returns in the season and plays at old form, Joe will have a very very tough to beat team. That being said, this roster’s success will hinge greatly no Joe’s week to week decisions so it should be a fun test.

Gif Grade:

8) The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9

66% = D

Projected Record: (6-7)

Playoff Odds: 54%

These guys are total cucks, moving on

Gif Grade:

9) Kings of Leon

64% = D

Projected Record: (6-7)

Playoff Odds: 40%

Joe been Mixon around

Always looking down Keke Coutee

Odell Beckham, Tyler Lockett Y.A.C.

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you, and all you know, and Ka’imi

Countless QBs under pressure Eagles D.

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you

Off in the night, while you live it up, Adam Humphries

Aaron Rodgers, T.Y. Hilton don’t get beat

I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me

Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now [x7]

Someone like you, somebody [x3]

Joe been Mixon around

Always looking down Keke Coutee

Gif Grade:

10) TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL

50% = F

Projected Record: (6-7)

Playoff Odds: 44%

Another vintage Chuck draft and another vintage chuck squad. Tony Pollard is already a bust and the season hasn’t even started. Big Ben and Mahomes are back tag-teaming chucks QB position (Big Ben knows a thing or two about tag-teaming *allegedly). And Fitzgerald has claimed his honorary roster spot (a la Frank Gore) in his final season. Going to guess that Tre’Quan Smith was 100% drafted off of his name. This roster is a nice little Steelers reunion too with AB and Bell back with Big Ben. It’s a starter heavy roster with two MVP level QBs. We’ll see how the Chuck Magic rounds this roster into playoff form this season.

Gif Grade :

Game of the Week

Big Dick Nicks (0-0)

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 (0-0)

Line: 8==D -4.8

As long as these two names exist, I’m dubbing this matchup the Cuck Cup. In an age-old rivalry, who will reign victorious between the Alpha Males and Beta Boys? The NFL is starting us off with its oldest rivalries well top that you dumb fucks! Big Dicks. Little Dicks. Hurt Feelings. All in one place. THIS. FUCKING. SUNDAY. Get amped!

Added importance of this matchup (and a JPFL first!) as we have the Groom taking on The Best Man on WEDDING WEEKEND!

Of course, being a divisional game (loving the new divisions so far) this will certainly have playoff implications in Sam’s Division (recommending this be named in honor of Frank Gore). Let’s quickly peep this matchup.

Pat is back with brand new attitude this season after spending a season with “too risky of a roster” (via our Dick Ragdahl).

Nice insider reporting by our man Dick Ragdahl there. We used the leftover money from selling Phil (RIP) to a sex trafficker I mean the 50/50 Tides raffle and were able to afford a beat reporter this season.

I'm also gonna use this opportunity to point out that a lot of our matchups will take this same approach. People in the same place at the same time going head to head. Groom vs best man. Brian and Jacob sharing a car ride. Nick and Myself cramming into a car on Sunday as well. Chuck and Pat competing to get each other too fucked up to make decisions/be talked into bad ones. What a fun storm.

Jones vs. Montgomery night 1. Deshaun v Tom. CMac vs DJ. Pick one vs Pick 2

Brian will have more on this game later…

This game is being played as part of a weekend-long festival on ACCNetwork!!! Special season kickoff concert will air before starring: Blink 182!!

Season Superlatives

Most Likely to be compensating

TIE

Big Dick Nicks & Nuke Force 1

I dunno what says I have a micropenis more than telling everyone you don’t have a micropenis (ignoring that Nick didn’t name his team) or threatening to Nuke a hurricane?

Most Likely to have drafted high

TIE

TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINAOL & Joe’s Team

You’d think this would be a runaway… it probably was; BUT, Joe is in California and as a doctor, he can prescribe his own weed… my last piece of evidence: WHO THE FUCK IS JEREMY SPRINKLES?! Think about it, Joe forgot Monday was draft day, people who smoke hella weed also forget shit. Joe “took a lot of risks” Monday night. Maybe he just got blazed as shit, lost track of time, and drafted with THC coursing through his veins. The thrill of operating on an open heart just wasn’t enough Joe huh? Getting to perform surgery on a live human brain just isn’t enough of a high for you so you resorted to weed. UNBELIEVABLE!

Most Likely to secretly enjoy losing

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9

I mean, the evidence is overwhelming. Pat named his team after the humiliating feeling he embraces so dearly. Not to mention, HOW DOES PAT KNOW THAT CUCK PIRATES COME FROM PLANET CUCK 9!?! How does he even know that’s a real planet? You know-how. But let’s take a deeper look… Pat kept Aaron Jones, a player only owned by 97% of ESPN teams, hmm casual self-cuck. He drafted Tom Brady IN THE 11th ROUND! Then he doubled down on the cuckery by drafting TWO Patriots wide receivers so he can cuck himself all season long by starting the one who does worse. Pat was just squirming in his chair thinking about the hours tantalizing over who to start only to see Tom give all the touchdowns to the one on the bench-fuuuuuu! I have to admit, I enabled Pat’s cuckery myself by drafting Sony Michel so Pat can watch his beloved Patriots score hundreds of points only for my roster by running 5/6 plays in the red zone. Hunter Renfrow in the 13th?!?! It’s obvious Pat loves to lose and we all need to step in before his Cuckery begins to affect others. He’s becoming a family man now… alas, science shows that cuckification is 10x as addictive as heroin and Xbox, we may never know the old, cuck clean Pat. Jesus wept.

BONUS (SWEDISH) GIF

BILINGUAL CONTENT!!: I had to google translate that for yall but it says “When my wife has sex, I get to watch!” Now go watch him say it.

Biggest Tease

VT 35 ODU 49

We all know Pat is just gonna finish 2nd or 3rd again. Always a bridesmaid… amirite? I dunno what kind of projections Pat uses but damn literally every year he is in the final four and finishes 2nd or 3rd. It’s almost more impressive than consistently winning, consistently coming in second. You have to still want it and work for it at a championship level even year in and year out and then just watch it all get fucked right in front of you at the very end. Come to think of it, maybe Pat L is actually the sneaky contender for Most Likely to secretly enjoy losing. Pat and Pat share a burning lust for that dark empty feeling. I think the most likely conclusion is that all Pat’s share a hive mind and that hive mind has gone on a long Pornhub.cuck binge. Perhaps it’s located in the same galaxy as planet cuck 9 and that’s how Pat knows of its origins? Is Pat (the hive mind) using the cuckery of our fantasy league to call to the Butler Pirates? Will earth soon be over-run by a Viking league of butt buddy soy boys demanding we fuck their wives on camera? Find out Thursday Night!

Most Likely to Win The League

Call me Big Popp-Ah

I mean, duh.

Week 1 At A Glance

So, To make the LM Note even better, I’ve decided to enlist some help. Since Brian did such a killer job filling in that one-week last year, he’s going to handle our game preview this year. Hopefully, this means I’ll slack off less on the rest of the note.

I think y’all will enjoy these though. Brian did a great job:

Big Dick Nicks @ The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9

We have a tremendous matchup to kick off the 2019 Jimmy Parrot Footnugget League. Not only is it a sibling showdown but it’s wedding season in Butler-land which means this matchup will be occurring on site.

Nick Butler has taken over the reins for Phil (RIP) and could not ask for a better matchup. The Big Dick Nicks enters this Gary Coxford Division matchup as a 4.8-point favorite over the New England Patriots…I mean the Planet Cuck Space Pirates.

The fray will begin Thursday night as Nick’s David Montgomery and Pat’s keeper Aaron Jones go head to head in Solider field. With only two players, playing in the 1pm slate the Space Pirates will look to their platoon of Patriots to make things competitive on SNF. This tantalizing opener will go to down to the wire with Deshaun Watson and the Big Dick Nicks getting the final word on MNF. Will the Big Dick Nick’s windmill their way to victory or will the Planet Cuck Space Pirates conquer a new frontier?

TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL @ VT 35 ODU 49

Charlie enters this matchup riding a big high recently being voted the JPFL Owner of the Year. The driving force behind Chuck’s season was the inspired selection of last season’s NFL MVP with a 15th round pick.

Chuck and Mahomes are slight favorites (1.8) going into their matchup with PLo. Lockett is coming off his 4th straight top 3 season and looking to make that leap from title contender to champion.

The gamble on Zeke’s contract pays off, as the talented Ewok should be ready for Week 1, much to the detriment of Chuck’s current flex pick, Tony Pollard.

Chuck will be banking on the double B’s of Brown and Bell to recreate their bountiful fantasy pasts as well as Mahomes and Kittle to stay on their ascending trajectory. PLo will be expecting Zeke and his top 10 wideouts in Evans and Juju to carry this team to the top. If Leonard Fournette can (finally) put it, together this could be PLo’s year. A late MNF duel between AB and last year’s UDFA surprise Philip Lindsay could be the decider.

Call Me Big Popp-Ah @ Joe’s Team

Sam has continued to capitalize on his astute signing of Alvin Kamara by winning back-to-back JPFL titles. His quest for a 3-peat begins in sunny San Diego as an 11-point favorite against Joe. Joe rebounded from a last-place finish in 2017 to make a playoff appearance in 2018. Joe’s season sadly ended in disappointment as his Rams duo of Gurley and Cooks collapsed on a cold Chicago night. Joe entered the draft with a Ricky Bobby mindset of “If you’re not first, you’re last”.

Joe loaded up on exciting young talent led by Lamar Jackson and took his shot with MG3. Travis Kelce will look to provide a stabling veteran presence as this young roster looks to break out. Sam will be hoping Kamara’s Saints teammate Michael Thomas can form a deadly WR core with Rodger’s favorite target in Davante Adams. Lamar Jackson vs Baker Mayfield in the 1pm slot is a fantastic early showcase of electric QBs. This matchup kicks off early and ends at the buzzer. The Bears DST challenges Adams on Thursday while Alabama rookie Josh Jacobs and Will Fuller V look to hold off Sam’s talisman Alvin Kamara on Monday night.

Kings of Leon @ Hurricane Nuke Force 1

We have our first inter-divisional matchup of the season, as Nick will represent the Gary Coxford division against Thomas. The Kings of Leon will be 9-point underdogs going into the matchup against Hurricane Nuke Force 1. Thomas is coming off a runner up finish while Nick is looking to enter the playoff picture.

A big game from Mr. Discount Double-check himself, Aaron Rodgers, could alter the landscape of this battle. Nick’s team is loaded with blowup potential at WR with OBJ, Lockett, and Hilton all being big-play threats. Thomas will be looking to Cook up success

with Dalvin and Brandin. Yet another JPFL opening matchup will come down to Monday night as Brees, Duke Johnson, Jared Cook, and Fairbairn all feature. Kings of Leon will be hoping their trio of Duke, Cook, and Fairbairn can hold off Drew Brees. Hurricane Nuke Force 1 will be feeling confident in their chances as long as Brees avoids throwing TD’s to King’s Cook. A win in this matchup could be important in their playoff quest.

Fitzmagic @ Harrisonburg 21-16

At last, we have reached our final matchup of the week as Fitzmagic takes on a familiar divisional foe in Harrisonburg 21-16. This game has the closest line of the week at a mere .6 difference between the two teams. Both teams finished adjacent in the final 2018 standings at fourth and fifth respectively despite a four-game difference in regular-season records (10-3 vs 6-7).

Jacob will be looking to build on the strong finish to last season to return to the playoffs. Julio and Zach Ertz return for another season in Harrisonburg looking to start the year off with a win. Fitzmagic retained the services of Chubb and Hill while bringing back Devonta Freeman despite last season’s injury. The difference in this narrow matchup could be Deandre Hopkins making the move from Harrisonburg to Fitzmagic.

Jacob’s team will want to get off to a hot start with the whole lineup competing Thursday to the 4:25 slate on Sunday. It will be a long wait for both sides to see if D-Hop and the Bronco’s DST can overcome the earlier performances of Gurley and the boys.