Week 2 - Welcome to the League, Big Dick Nick

"I like football. I like football season and all the things that go with it."

– Bill Belichick

Fired. The. Fuck. Up.

Holy fuck y’all how about that Saints Texans ending:

Football is back baby!

And so are the fuckin Brownies!!

Browns fans before week 1:

Browns fans during week 1:

Somethings never change.

Mitch Trubisky still can't throw to his left

Jameis is still addicted to bad decisions

Cam Newton is still trying to hard to dress differently

He got out dressed by the Sunday Night Crew (on Thursday) btw

Bills Mafia stayed as classy as ever

And we were reminded that sometimes, the best performance doesn’t come from on the field:

This one is for the Hokie fans in the league:

Time for an education video

and an educational meme

As amazing as it is that someone went and found Steeler's plane footage, here’s a fun little DYK. Some NFL teams spend like a 4 milli on renting charter flights in a season because you need an entire fucking Boeing ass plane to fly an NFL team and its gear and they generally have to fly empty twice and sit grounded for 24 hours just to make things work

But I digress…

Ah yes, week one is in the books which means it can only be time for one thing: OVERREACTION.

You can smell it in the air, the warm scent of freshly baked hot takes. The unmistakable aroma of panic and over-projection casually floats its way to our noses… it smells like a snowballing dumpster fire… Football is fucking back

It’s super easy to jump to conclusions following our first taste of real action. Especially nowadays when news moves so quickly that we jump from what happened to what does this mean in a matter of minutes and then the forecasting runs amuck.

Nick hung up 212.6 (impressive) and that one player you thought would be great was a week 1 flop. The world is ending. Your team sucks. There’s nothing you can do about it. Kill Yourself. Football is dumb anyway. This season is already over.

In 2017, our other Nick opened the season with a league-best 137.5 (in a week where half the league didn’t even touch triple digits). Week 2 he followed up with 119 points, 3rd most in the league. Draft steal Kareem Hunt was going to lead Nick to the promised land in his second year of action… Nick didn’t score over 100 points again that year until week 13. He was the first team eliminated from playoff contention, leading to the creation of this bad boy:

Speaking of Nick being eliminated from the playoff let’s check in on how week 1 impacted those odds

Woof 14%. Honestly, I think that’s a little low.

Another model I have for us projects Nick’s playoff odds at 30.32%

Here’s how it tracks the rest of us:

Nick B – 81.6%

Brian – 77.76%

Chuck – 75.16%

Joe – 73.04%

Thomas – 68.24%

Pat B – 57.36%

Sam – 48.52%

Pat L – 45.88%

Jacob – 42.24%

Big week for your playoff odds upcoming. If you end the month with 1 win, you’re mathematically very close to a 0% shot at the playoffs. If you can get to 2+ you’re well on the positive side of a coinflip to make it.

I tell you this though, you don’t want to be playing Jacob this week. The Eagles gotta play the Falcons and this is Julio’s statline in 6 games vs Philly: 45 rec, 698 yards, 15.5 YPC, 3 TD. He has 1 game against the Eagles going for under 100 yards, that was back in week 2 of 2011 which REAL BALLERS know off the top of their head was Vick’s return to ATL and his first start after the whole dog shindig.

Ok wait the last time he sucked against us was a week 2 in an odd-numbered year in Atlanta and this is *checks Pokedex* HOLY FUCKIN SHIT BATMAN… week 2 in an odd-numbered year in Atlanta.

Prayer up

Fuckin Byron Maxwell though, that was the worst one it felt like

Without further ado.

Week 1 Review

Big Dick Nicks 212.6 @ The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 141.3

Welcome to the league, Nick Butler. Not even 24 hours after a beautiful best man speech, filled with talk of competition; Nick officially opened a new era for the Butlers and this league by SETTING THE FUCKING TONE for what competition means moving forward.

Pat tried to mount a very courageous resistance, but it was as successful as I was trying to deliver Pat’s breakfast to him on his wedding day using this hotel key card

For those of you who don’t know, we were not staying in a Hilton or any of its subsidiaries… Pat’s drunk ass pulled it out of his pocket like a magician pulling a rabbit from his hat and my drunk ass didn’t even consider to check that it was the right one. I tried having someone pretend to be Pat, I tried going up to the front desk and just explaining the situation to get a room key. They tried calling Pat’s room phone. Chuck tried everything shy of dynamite to get through his adjoining door to the honeymoon suite… Just like Pat’s roster trying to defeat Nick, nothing was going to work.

Nick walking into the Butler household now like:

Tetrahydro Chuckabinol 140.5 @ VT 35 ODU 49 108.3

What a wild week for Chuck and the Light Up Brigade. It started with another classic Chuck draft that saw his team once again placed at the bottom of the draft grading but at this point you know that’s just because the experts are assholes and Chuck dunks on them. It's at the point where I simply look at those projections and ask “how will chuck beat these this year?” As the week rolled along we shifted the focus to Antonio Brown. Thursday night (tbh Friday morning at like 3 AM) I was waxing poetic about how Mike Mayock was just a pussy and Raiders were just being petty and weren’t going to suspend Brown. I think it was some time during rehearsal the notification hit my phone that he was going to play. After a few high fives for Chuck and a few “lol fuck you, Pat’s we thought that was the end of that…. NOPE. Fast forward 6 hours, we’re all blacking out in a hotel that we amazingly didn’t get kicked out of, huddled around Chuck’s phone watching a feature fucking film released by Brown on his YouTube channel. We had forgotten all about it by Saturday morning when the news broke that Brown was cut. I was super focused on buying alcohol but I’m pretty sure Chuck’s response in that bootleg lookin ass liquor store was “Larry Time!” Larry Time indeed. Fitz filled in for Brown with AB numbers, rounding out a big day for Bell and the most absurd first quarter out of a QB since Vick’s Monday Night Massacre. Chuck’s team put the icing on a wild fantasy weekend while he was soaring through the sky back out West. Considering it was like a 10A departure and just under a 4-hour flight id like to think Chuck landed just as that Mahomes first quarter ended so he could get his first fantasy update of the season already up 50. The only thing you need to know about Pat’s team is that Will Lutz, the kicker, was his third-highest scorer. Tbh I still don’t know how Chuck scored so many points without AB and with Tony Pollard in the lineup.

We can’t explain Chuck’s wins, only predict that they will somehow happen:

Genderfluid Nonbinary 127.4 @ Call Me Big Popp-ah 125.4

JPFL #GameOfTheSeason so far boys, don’t mean ta overreact! This one made me appreciate the new fantasy cast features. As the Saints game progressed, it felt like Kamara and Thomas were doing plenty of fantasy scoring, yet somehow Sam’s win% kept slipping. Fuller had finished his scoring in the 3rd (and really got most of it on his other catch in the 1st) meanwhile Kamara took off in the second half; but still, as time ticked away in new Orleans, ESPN's math said Joe had a better and better chance of winning, meaning Sam was failing to hit his mark. That’s the value of having a true RB, WR or QB1 as the last player to go in a fantasy matchup. Joe needed 21.8 points out of his back entering the second game of Monday night. As tough a task as it seemed, a solid first half-capped by a tuddie-had Joe within striking distance. Amazingly, Jacobs got stronger as the night went on (perhaps a result of his lower usage in college) and early in the 4th punched in a second TD, all but locking up the come from behind win for Joe. A rough way for a tough weekend to end for Sam. Baker had the worst game of his life and the rest of the Sunday roster struggled to the point where the Vikings D was his second-leading scorer going into MNF. It would be really unfortunate if Sam lost his JPFL Title rematch this week to drop to 0-2 like reeeaaaally unfortunate.

Joe with the best comeback since George Costanza:

Kings of Leon 90.8 @ Hurricane Nuke Force 113.9

So, I couldn’t track my fantasy score during this game because my laptop had died and we were using my phone to stream. Side note I wonder how much data I used streaming football for 9 hours on the road but that’s why we rock unlimited. As Nick as I rolled down the East Coast together (along with Jacob and Ben), I honestly thought my team was going off. We were only watching Red Zone, but every update seemed to have some good news for my team, peaking with the infamous double box screen, double-dip TD. Watching Njoku and Cook simultaneously cross the goal line, I felt officially safe. Nick and I spent the 4 PM slate bitching about our players/why the fuck aren’t the Giants giving Saquon the football every play. Never would I imagine that Duke Johnson’s backfield split and Drew Brees old man first half would have me sweating out this matchup at 9 PM on Monday. I highly doubt you see Nick score this small a number again; the jury’s still out on if my floor can go lower though.

A meh week for the MAGA Flyers but at least Nick’s sub-100 score was there to be singled out:

Fitzmagic 142.2 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 132.6

It is eerie how similar these rosters kind of shook out. Both saw a 36-point player, a 28-point player, a 12-point showing and 2 10-point outings. The defense went for similar totals. The real difference was Brian having an extra 20-point game which Jacob could only match with a 10 (looking at you Todd Gurley).

It was like lookin in the mirror:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 9/11 (never 4get)

I figure we should let Butler enjoy his first weekdays as a married man free of any JPFL chores so here is my last second half-assed run-through of your stupid ass fucking teams. Geez.

First off, WTF, 8th best roster in the league for me?! That’s just disrespectful to Saquon Barkley who is the first best good player in all of football.

Nick is in first but as we all know that’s because he is cheating. I don’t have any evidence of this nor does Nick have a history of cheating but as you all know, whenever someone says “as we all know” it becomes common knowledge, those are the rules, I didn’t make them, Aslan did, as you all know.

Coming in second, but also in a lower-tier from Nick, I want to make sure everyone knows that. Ok, good. The biggest question surrounding Brian’s team this week, how will they respond to the name change. Four Game Fitzpatrick only gave us one game of FitzMagic (until he returns in week 13). Will Minshew Mania pickup where the Harvard Man left off?

Up 7 fucking spots, this week is Chuck, doing the expected and defying the stupid dumb projections. Chuck is like electricity, no one knows how but it works. Or planes. The roster projections still hate the shit out of his team though (probably for its defiance) and it’ll hold his overall score down a bit much like #SECbias keeps UCF from the playoff or something.

Big Daddy Joe Bridenstine checks into the 4 spot this week. Congrats or something. Whatever. Who cares. Let's move on to 5th place that’s always the cool place.

Oh, shit wow it's my team. Woah. Who would’ve guessed I was just talking about how 5th place is the best place and then boom I'm 5th place, that’s CRAZYYY! Every team to have won the JPFL cup opened as the 5th team in the power rankings for week 1, as you all know. It's an unbelievable stat but good things you all won’t go look it up. Guess you should just forfeit now.

Ok, so look at Pat Butlers first 3 numbers… that’s right, 666. So I was onto this big breakthrough at Pat’s wedding after discovers an obvious witch murder ring (disguised as a labyrinth). Obviously, at that point, I knew we were up in New England to do some Salem witch-hunting and that the wedding had been a cover the whole time. Pat knows I know and now he’s just playing with me. Sending me messages. He found the witches, made a deal with Satan to win the JPFL Cup. 6-6-6 the first 3 digits of Satan social security number. I’m onto you.

Sam has a lot of 7’s in his score I dunno if that’s some divinity thing where his team is on a salvation quest. They did the whole Hero’s journey concept with the descent into darkness from 1 to 7. Does he return to glory this week (when he plays me) I hope not, he should probably go all the way and lose another game so that its an even more impressive Return of the Jedi.

Also, Jacob is in 7th so maybe that’s like a unity thing. Jacob had the better output but Sam has the brighter future so the power ranking elves said put em both at 7!

In 9th, Pat Lockett hits his lowest power ranking ever I gotta think… lemme go check it now. 2016 he only dipped as low at 4th in week 4, he spent week 2 at 7 in 2017 before basically living in 2nd and last year he hovered at 5. Pat has spent 1 week before this one in the bottom half of the power rankings… that’s it. Let’s see if he bounces back like before or lingers this time.

Alas, poor (yo)Nick.

My Joseph Mixon is gone too soon, Aaron Rodgers all over you,

Act like you mean it, you mean it,

Kerryon Johnson auto pick, The Eagles Defense shittin bricks,

I shoulda seen it, seen it

Hop on T.Y. I'm on my way, Duke Johnson swings on every play

I don't believe it, believe it

'Cause I took Deebo, Keke, Dion and blew 'em all away

Odell Beckham unclean as the watch that you wear

I don't mind my team underwhelms at times

Ka’imi fairbarn, fairbarn

Red flags are flying but im entrenched

I got a handcuff sittin on my bench

I wanna see you, see you

Yes, McCoy is on my team

Don't know my flex, just score 100, please

I just wanna be there, be there

'Cause I took Deebo, Keke, Dion and blew 'em all away

Odell Beckham unclean as the watch that you wear

I don't mind my team underwhelms at times

Ka’imi fairbarn, fairbarn

I don't mind my team underwhelms at times

Ka’imi fairbarn, whoa oh oh

I don't mind my team underwhelms at times

I just lay it on the line, on the line

I don't mind my team underwhelms at times

Ka’imi fairbarn, fairbarn

I don't mind my team underwhelms at times

Ka’imi fairbarn, oh oh oh oh

If you’re curious, going off that “weeks in the bottom 5 stat;” Brian with 2 (both at 6 in 2016) is the only other owner to come close.

Game of the Week

TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL (1-0)

Big Dick Nicks (1-0)

Line: 8==D -6.4

Highly anticipated match-up here as Nick takes on another challenger from last weekend’s 140-point trio. Always interesting to see a west coast team travel east. Considering his big performance last week I'm sure Chuck won’t be intimidated by Nick gigantic massive horse score.

With more on this match-up here’s Brian:

This week’s game of the week is quite the spicy match-up. Up for grabs is a piece of first place in the Gary Coxford Division and an important 2-0 start. These competitors are coming off excellent weekends and are looking to prove it’s no fluke. Big Dick Nicks whipped it out and dropped 212 on Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates (as well as a killer best man’s speech).

T: (Yo, lowkey did not expect to find that last one just sitting at the top of the google gif search but here we are)

Chuck kept the good times rolling as well with a 32-point win over Lockett Rocket. This matchup blesses us all with a duel between the 2 most exciting QBs in the league, Mahomes vs Watson. Just want to take a moment to laugh at the Bears for TRADING UP to take Mitchell Trubisky over these two studs.

Given the question marks over Chucks WR core (AB’s rape investigation and a concussion for Shepard) he’ll need huge games from his boys in red.

Chuck’s compadres comprise of Chiefs and Cards alike. He’ll be hoping Mahomes can outduel Watson while feeding Damien Williams and ghosting Sammy Watkins in the process. Nick’s team will look to get off to a commanding lead on as #1 Overall pick and RB CMC is the sole Thursday player in this matchup. Another 30+ point performance from CMC may have Chuck second-guessing that trash talk.

Not only does this match-up feature two week 1 winners and the highest projected total of the week, but it also gave us the first direct trash talk of the season. Chuck went to the press to inform us all of Big Dick Nicks impending doom by saying “Nick Butler is dust” followed by a rather suggestive gif of the Devil spanking some invisible ass. Come Monday we’ll see who is the true dominant in this pairing.

This game is being played under the incredibly rare Friday the 13th Harvest Moon, you can’t watch this game on a TV you need an Ouija board

sidenote: chuck is the only one of us who will get to see the full moon actually on the 13th… East Coaster gonna have to wait until 12:36A

Hunger Foul

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9: 74 Bench Points

The good news for Pat, I guess, is that I checked the math and there’s still no way his roster could’ve added up to anything greater than 170. So even though the bench went HAM, you didn’t necessarily fuck up and lose; you were doomed from the moment Nick locked his lineup… like a card game of WAR. I’ve heard the argument that week 1 is the only week you’re ok with your bench going off because at least it makes you think your team will be good this season once you make the right start/sit decisions… Here’s where my original point about drafting too heavy into an offense comes into play though: Hollywood Brown showed potential to be a must-start WR. Even if he comes back to earth, he’s likely going to need to be in the roster for at least his good matchups. Who gets benched? Not Thielen unless it’s a bad matchup, Cooper probably is a must start now, that leaves Edelman or Gordon. Have fun tormenting over that one each week.

Waiver Move of the Week

Call Me Big Popp-ah

Drop Mike Badgley (K), Add Brett Maher (K)

SCALE 1 to 10:

As with any game this close, a lot of roster moves (either real or hypothetical) were/could’ve been the difference between a win and a loss. This was the one, concrete start/sit decision that affected the game. Yes, Sam had 3 different roster moves (and their permutations) that could’ve netted the 2 points he ended up falling short of Joe by… but this was a decision he was going to make no matter what, and he, unfortunately, picked wrong.

Mike Badgley was like Questionable at best for Sunday’s game and he ended up not playing. Sam needed to pick a kicker for his lineup from the 23 starters available to him. As the lineups went, Sam ultimately needed 7 points out of this position to tie Joe, 8 or more to win. 7 of those 23 kickers scored 8 or more points, another 2 scored 7. Sam had a 39% chance of picking a tie or better, 30% at finding the outright win…. He picked Brett Maher and game up 2 points short.

Bad Luck of the Week

Kings of Leon

What a crap week of football

Pat Butler wanted to win this award… and that’s exactly why we’re not giving to him. Congratulations, Nick!

Nick was the only team to score under 100 this week (thanks, fam) and I honestly wouldn’t expect it to happen again… Rodgers goes for just 15? Mixon gets a sprained ankle after just 2 points? Odell is slowed down by his Richard Millie watch and barely hits double digits? The Eagles D forgot to play the first quarter and accidentally spotted the Washington Teepees 17 points? Sometimes bad luck isn’t just a point here or there. Sometimes it’s a tidal wave that takes over your team and makes you think the rest of the season is pointless.

Here’s hoping for a reverse 2017…

Week 2 At A Glance (with Brian McAvoy)

TETRABYDRO CHUCKABINOL (1-0) @ Big Dick Nicks (1-0)

Who will submit to whom?

Genderfluid Nonbinary (1-0) @ Harrisonburg 21-16 (0-1)

This week’s sole inter-divisional matchup is brought to you all by J-Date.

Jacob and Joe enter this matchup (the closest line this week btw) coming off different Monday Night experiences. Jacob lost his 16 point lead and the matchup due to a 2 TD performance from the one who got away in Deandre Hopkins, while Joe took down 2x defending champ Sam and overcame Kamara and Michael Thomas by a nail-biting two points with a clutch 23.8 points from Raiders rookie RB Josh Jacobs.

Both QBs eviscerated their opponents last week and who maintains that killer instinct could decide this showdown. Joe’s DJ Moore kicks off the matchup tonight and with Jacob running the Brown’s DST this could go down to the wire.

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 (0-1) @ Minshew Mania (1-0)

Normally a 61-point divisional lost to a sibling and rival would be a weekend killer. Luckily for P-But love heals all and the loss served as the necessary blood sacrifice for the wedding (shout to Thomas and/or the Dothraki).

The good news for the Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates is they still had a great offensive showing (3rd most points in the week). They’ll get a chance to right the ship against the newly rebranded Minshew Mania as 6-point favorites.

Minshew Mania pushed aside starting WR Tyreek Hill’s injury to pull out a win on MNF as D-Hop showed he is the best WR in the league. The injury wasn’t the only blow to the franchise as Fitzmagic was pummeled by the Ravens. Luckily a new challenger emerged from Florida in the form of Gardner Minshew II (there isn’t an OG Minshew either) who has to be the most interesting QB in the league.

As always, the Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates will go as the Patriots do which should be heaven to Butler’s ears as they take on the lowly Dolphins. A big game for NE will likely prelude a big win for the Space Pirates. Minshew Mania will be hoping for young WR’s Ridley and Metcalf to step up for Hill and for keeper selection Chubb to supply some semis. A little magic from Hokie Joey Slye would not go amiss for the Minshew Mania if they hope to take down the Empire.

(editors note: would the butler pirates version of the death star be a ball gag?)

Call me Big Popp-ah (0-1) @ Hurricane Nuke Force 1 (1-0)

Sam’s title defense began with a narrow last defeat to the Nonbinary’s, is the Champ vulnerable or is it just early season rust?

Currently a 13-point underdog due to Tevin Coleman’s high ankle sprain Big Popp-ah will need to hope Old Man Time grants AP another year’s absolution. They say time comes for us all, but AP seems to keep it at bay with a switch. Thomas was cookin’ in the breeze this weekend as Dalvin lead the way with a 2 TD performance followed by a victory confirming 2nd half statement from Drew Brees.

Jeffery, Njoku, Barkley, and Michel all contributed solid performances in the Week 1 win. Call Me Big Popp-ah’s top tier WR duo of Adams and Thomas will look to prove the difference as the RB matchup is quite tight. Some interesting connections in this game as both opponents feature key pass catchers of the opposing QB.

Thomas will be hoping Brees avoids connecting with his two top targets in Kamara and MT, likewise for Sam with Mayfield and Njoku would hook up for a TD last weekend. Given those Browns boys play Monday night this won’t reach its climax til late Monday night.

Lockett Rocket (0-1) @ Kings of Leon (0-1)

A key matchup in the newly christened “The Friday Song” division both teams are plotting a way to avoid the dreaded 0-2 start.

Lockett Rocket decided it was to time spice things up with a name change to give the squad a spark following Chuck’s manhandling last weekend. The Kings of Leon will be hoping to re-establish the monarchy after being the only team failing to top 100 points last week. Haven’t seen a worse showing from Kings since the American Revolution.

Lockett Rocket will look to the air and pray to see Evans and Juju flying as high as expected when drafted or the Lockett Rocket won’t make it into orbit. With Zeke looking hungry again and LF being blessed in Minshew Mania P-Lo’s RB core could be the difference. Kings of Leon will be summoning their most trusted healers to work on Mixon and Lockett.

However, with the foresight, only divine royalty can possess the Kings have raised Giovani Bernard and Tyrell Williams to knighthood. Will Sir Gio and Sir Tyrell be enough to hold off the technological advancement of Rockets or will the British Empire rise again?