Week 4 - No More Injuries Please

"My man just started throwing babies out the window. We was catching 'em, unlike Agholor."

– Hakim Laws, Philadelphia hero

part two is good too

part 3 is the best though

(apparently, you can only see the tweets I embed on desktop)

Ok, we have less time this week and I kinda want to watch TNF this time around so here are all the memes without context, if you can guess my favorite at the end you’ll get a point:

Ok, make your prediction…

The answer is

The first one you idiots: hakim laws.

I tricked ALL OF YOU.

Ok time for the playoff odds. We’ll be extra quick because they make me extra sad

Looking at the second model (which accounts for matchups):

Brian – 93.28%

Chuck – 88.36%

Nick B – 80.04%

Pat L – 78.80%

Pat B – 63.36%

Sam – 47.02%

Joe – 46.28%

Jacob – 44.4%

Thomas – 43.08%

Nick L – 12.68%

Hopefully, you all get a little bit luckier this week:

Without further ado.

Week 3 Review

Minshew Mania 136.4 @ Call me Big Popp-ah 125.4

Our game of the week lived up to the hype in this one. While some of Brian’s roster sputtered, it was Mark Ingram who came through with a HUGE 103-yard, 3 TD performance against the Chiefs. Brian doesn’t win this game if Ingram is average. He probably barely crosses over 100. But Ingram carried the weight and that was the difference between winning and losing. Jameis Winston tossed in a big 29 points to help seal the deal. Oddly enough, both of Brian’s big points contributors lost their real-life games. Meanwhile, Sam had his own back, Alvin Kamara go off for 30 points, the ultimate difference was at the QB position. Kyler came up 10 points shy of Winston’s big day in the 4 PM slate and the rest of the roster couldn’t make up that difference.

Big Days from Ingram and Winston carried Brian to a big victory:

Hurricane Nuke Force 1 116.5 @ TETRABYDRO CHUCKABINOL 131.2

Goodness fucking gracious. What the fuck is your problem 4 o’clock? Another week, taking on a top scorer and through Sunday’s first slate I'm feelin good (minus fuck you, the Eagles). Every roster decision has panned out, the handful of players going off on the bench were awesome for depth… Saquon gives me his typical 20, and I thought I have this… RIP my baby boy. More on story that later. 4 PM hit like a brick wall again. Mike Williams continues to not live up to the hype (wtf bud, did you leave it all at Clemson?) and is only getting the look this week because “fuck it, its Miami.” To make things worse. Russel Wilson found a way to hang 40 points in a loss which would’ve been enough for a win. Anything would’ve been enough. Trusting Scary Terry, Marvin Gaye Jones Jr., Russel “Jesus Water’ Wilson, any tight end not named T.J. Hockerson. Oh well, live and learn.

Pat Mahomes keeps making magic and Charlie keeps finding Ws:

Harrisonburg 21-16 133 @ Lockett Rockett 173.2

Not much you can do about this one, Jacob. Mike Evans finally showed up and put all of his first two weeks of points into this one as well with a 41-point day. A return to week 1 form for Evan Engram (who maybe pans out nicely with Dan Jones) and a time machine 2018 Phillip Lindsay all came together with Matt Ryans usually 25 to piece together Pat’s highest-scoring week ever! Jacob had another strong showing this week, just faced an impossible task. Dak continues to be good against a really bad defense. Julio Jones is trying extra hard this year as he promised and Cooper Kupp is making Rams fans regret even more that he wasn’t healthy for the Super Bowl. Jacob is still a strong contender, but this game was all about Pat entering the group of teams capable of sniffing 200.

The Lockett Rockett took off this week:

Genderfluid Nonbinary 108.8 @ The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 161.6

Well, Pat finally got his wish. He played a normal scoring team and got to take out all of his frustrations on them. This is a borderline sexual abuse hate crime as a criminal group of cucked (possibly homosexual) butt pirates raped and pillaged a village of harmless innocent genderless creatures who were probably just scared and even more confused than usual. Eventually, the Patriots hit the tough part of their schedule and drop a few games and Pat along with them, until then… oh, wait, nevermind. Congrats on the first win of the year Pat, you’ve now matched my expected total on the year. Oh, also there was Joe’s team in this game. Let’s all hope they have just as rough a go this Sunday as last ;)

The Butler Pirates can finally sing shanties for a week:

Big Dick Nicks 138 @ Kings of Leon 118.9

The struggle continues for Nick and the Kings of Leon who took one on the chin this week form the Big Dicks. Nick still waits for Aaron Rodgers to give him the production he drafted him for (let’s put that on hold for another week plz) but that could change as he faces the Eagles secondary tonight. Joe Mixon finally stepped up and Tyler Lockett continues to be a stellar pick but the roster just hasn’t come together all at once this season. The QB position has been underwhelming. RBs final stepped up for 1 week. WR has been inconsistent outside of Lockett with Williams and Beckham flashing big points in spots. And TE has been a mess with Jared Cook. Still, the points are there to be found and the right starting combination could turn things around with win number 1. On the other side of the coin, Nick B showed some of what helped his team set the JPFL record back in week 1. Watson and McCaffrey went off and Keenan Allen is quietly the best receiver in the NFL so far this year, but some aspects of week 1 remain fleeting. Sammy Watkins and Chris Carson need to prove capable of throwing up 20s if Nick wants to consistently hang with the 160+’s we’ve seen.

Digging Nick’s hole even deeper, the Big Dick Nicks got back to laying pipe:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 9/25 2:30P

Another week of math and numbers which can only mean one thing, time to it off to my right-hand man, our Co-Commissioner Mr. Butler-Schmidt:

Alright fam, week 3 is in the books and it is still incredibly clear that the Gary Coxford division the superior division. Last week had all inter-divisional matchups and only 1 Friday Song team won. I’ll bet the farm that we have two wild cards from the Coxford division;

so if you’re in the Friday Song division you best hope you finish in the top two. With that said let’s get to the power rankings:

Standing alone in tier 1 again, the statistics darling, is Minshew Mania. Brian is ranked #1 in record, overall wins, consistency, and roster. Those numbers should give Brian a raging erection wherever he is reading this.

His lowest rank is given by the mysterious algorithm behind ESPN poll with a #5 rank. Mark Ingram is just piling up tuddies and new addition Fitzgerald is solid. His team is not without weakness, however. Brian is losing #3 Ekeler next week with Gordon coming out of his holdout. He also has to hope Andrews just had a fluke bad week last week and is not regressing to the mean. Finally, Brian is only, only, ranked #3 in points scored. So this shows that even though he as the most overall wins he hasn’t the highest scoring team and is thus vulnerable.

Leading off Tier 2’s 4 teams are the Big Dick Nicks. The Dicks engorged a bit this week with a more middle of the road performance in terms of points for them. The Dicks have the 2nd most points scored, but are lacking in overall wins, consistency, and roster. Not sure why Nick’s roster is ranked so low when he has the #1 and #3 receivers, the #2 back, the #4 TE, and the #6 QB. The Dicks will be a force to reckon with if they can keep it up.

Coming in #3 is TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL. Chuck’s team is the most interesting in the rankings as he’s all over the place. He’s #1 in record and the Ragdahl poll, but #6 in points for and overall wins, and #10 in roster. Chuck is also the luckiest team statistically, with 52 % points between his actual win % and his overall win %. He also, in pure Chuck fashion, dropped a starting RB in Damien Williams.

Chuck will have to keep relying on Mahomes to bring it home.

At #4 is the space pirates! WE WON ONE, JUAN. WE FINALLY WON ONE! IT WAS A TOUGH ONE AGAINST A ONE AND ONE TEAM, BUT WE WON ONE, JUAN! Credit to Pete Holmes for that foolishness, but we’re up 4 SPOTS BITCHES.

The Space Pirates have a lot going for them with the #2 roster, and being ranked #3 in consistency and #1 in points. The ESPN poll says #8 for some reason, but I have no idea how that is calculated. At this point, my team’s biggest weakness is the lack of yardage production. DJ, Aaron Jones, and Theilen have been lucky to get a lot of tuddies, but the yardage hasn’t been there. So if they start missing the end zone some weeks, my team could fall back to earth fast.

Rounding out tier 2 is Lockett Rocket. He has the only winning record in the Friday song division,

is coming off a #1 points week, and is #1 in the ESPN poll. His biggest knocks are #5 in overall wins and #6 in consistency. Evans FINALLY had a good and it was the goodest of the week with 41 points! Pat will hope that that is more of a trend and not an outlier. Zeke has been solid and Pat has the #1 TE in Engram. Pat will need continued production like that from his WR spot or his flex spot (as Lindsay also broke out last week) to stay competitive at the top.

Alone in tier 3, in 6th is Harrisonburg All I Have Is This One Win Over Tech.

Jacob’s team has been the 2nd most unlucky team, behind yours truly, with a negative 34 % point difference between his total win percentage and his actual record, 67 and 33 respectively. His team has been very solid with an average of 135.4 points per week and is the #5 scoring team. In fact, his lowest rank is #6 in the Ragdahl poll and his roster. Dak, Julio, Kupp, and Henry have been great for Jacob, but he needs more production from Gurley and his flex position to push for a playoff spot.

In 7th place and top of tier 4 is Call Me Big Popp-ah. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Sam’s last year championship team has been incredibly pedestrian this year for his standards. He is #7 in overall wins, points for and in the Ragdhal poll, and is the least consistent team. Sam has been getting good RB production from Mack and Kamara, but Godwin has come back to earth and Adams has done nothing this year so far, but that’s Rodgers fault. Sam will need more production from his flex spot and from his WR position to make a playoff run.

At the bottom of tier 4 and in 8th is Genderfluid Nonbinary, they got CUCKED last week. Joe’s team has also been mediocre with the 8th most points scored.

Lamar Jackson and Kelce have been his saving grace, but everywhere else is not looking great. Diggs has been a bust this year as the Vikings are all of a sudden running the shit out of the ball. The Steelers also suck now, and Conner is the #30 RB. Things honestly aren’t looking good, but Joe’s only hope is that Melvin Gordon just announced he’s coming back and will play in week 5. Godspeed to Gordon, and to you Joe.

Now to the bad teams, in #9 and one of only two teams not averaging 120 or more points are the Blue Injury Tents. Aptly named, Thomas’ team was looking good, before a shit ton of injuries happened.

And last week was the final straw, Saquon went down with a high ankle and is likely out 6-8 weeks #PrayForSaquon. Thomas is now down his top QB, WR, RB, and TE. That sucks. Thomas has to hope that Dalvin Cook will carry him to victory with how much the Vikings are running, that rookie WR Terry McLaurin can continue to produce, and that he can find a consistent QB. If Thomas can hold out until Brees, Saquan, and Green come back, watch out, but hopefully, it’s not too late.

At the bottom of the league are the Kings of Leon. They rank last in record, points, and in both polls. Nick has been unlucky in that Rodgers is just flat out in decline it seems, and that his RBs have been inconsistent.

Things are looking up for Nick though as Mixon finally showed up last week, his WRs have been very solid, and Chuck for some reason dropped Damien Williams and now nick has a very solid flex. Nick will have a tough decision coming up in considering whether to replace Rodgers. It’s risky, but he is going to need better QB play to even whiff a playoff spot.

T: Another classic Kings of Leon hit: What’s My Age Again?

Took T.Y. out, it was a Friday night

Raheem Mostert might get the backfield right

I swapped my kicker out and figured out my flex

But then I turned on the TV

And that's about the time I gave up on my team

Can Joseph Mixon score a touchdown please

I can believe I started Jared Cook

What the hell’s RBBC?

My friends say I should trust my team

Why’s my team so bad, why’s my team so bad?

My quarterback is such a damn joke

I had to go and pick up Dan Jones

then Michael Gallup dropped

And so did A.J. B

Damien Williams save my team.

And that's about the time that I said fuck my team

Can Joseph Mixon score a touchdown please

I can believe I benched LeSean McCoy

Where the fuck’s the Ravens D?

My friends say I should trust my team

Why’s my team so bad, why’s my team so bad?

And that's about the time I gave up on my team

Can Joseph Mixon score a touchdown please

Kerryon Johnson is my home run pick

and he was an autodraft

My friends say I should trust my team

Why’s my team so bad, why’s my team so bad?

That's about the time I tried to quit the league

I shouldn’t take this shit so seriously

But Rodgers makes me want to kill myself

I should’ve kept Tom Brady

I never want to trust my team

Why’s my team so bad, why’s my team so bad?

Game of the Week

Kings of Leon (0-3)

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 (1-2)

CUCK -3.5

We’re switching things up this week and moving away from the upper crust to bring you a “loser goes home” matchup. This very well could be an elimination game for both teams with Nick starting down the barrel of 0-4 and Pat needing to avoid a 1-3 in “the good division.”

Nick is making the switch at QB and running his studs in hopes that the lineup finally comes through one last time, plunging pat into the ranks of the Parrot Demerit with him and creating new life at 1-3.

Pat will make little to no changes to a lineup that worked well last week. Little known fact, this is the first time Pat is looking to have a .500 or better record for the first time since he got married with this win.

With more on the game of the week we go to Senior JPFL Correspondent, Brian McAvoy:

This week’s game of the week features two teams desperate for a win and a spark. The Kings of Leon are still searching for their first win while the Space Pirate from Planet Cuck 9 will be yearning for .500 after an exciting first win of the season last week. Kings will be watching the practice reports to see which KC back to roll out this week, last week’s 20+ scorer in Shady or fresh pickup Damien Williams. T.Y Hilton found the end zone last week but is also dealing with an injury. The health of these players will be a big factor in Nick getting the upset and his first win of the year. Mixon showed signs of life and finds himself back in the starting lineup, closing the matchup vs the Steelers on MNF.

The Space Pirates surprisingly are only starting three Pats players (perhaps afraid of #Bills Mafia) this week. A receiving core of Cooper, Thielen, and Waller powered Pat to his first win of the season and will look to do the same here. Aaron Jones features for Pat on TNF so it will be Aaron vs Aaron in Lambeau to see who gets an early lead. The rest of Pat’s team plays on Sunday so he’ll be hoping to have enough of a lead going into the MNF matchup vs Mixon. A Space Pirates win could leave Nick as our early favorite for the inaugural calendar shoot.

This game is being played at 4:00 PM Saturday on Facebook Live like the Conference USA showdown it is

Hunger Foul

Hurricane Nuke Force 1: 114.2 Bench Points

As you all know, winning this award twice in a row is actually very prestigious and a good omen, those are the rules, I was there when they made them. Honestly, considering all the injuries to the starting rotation, I'm having to have a starting roster’s worth of points to fall back on and plugin on the bench

Waiver Move of the Week

TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL

Drop RB, Damien Williams – Add WR, Deebo Samuel

SCALE 1 to 10:

Ok, I think everyone understands the decision to BENCH Damien Williams with his injury last week. I don’t think anyone understood the decision to drop him outright. Unless Chuck is onto some news we all don’t have access to, this we the dropping of an RB1/2 to the waivers to keep: Kalen Ballage and Tony Pollard on the roster?? Making matters worse, Williams was ruled as OuT meaning he was eligible to sit on Chuck’s empty IR for the week.

Bad Luck of the Week

Blue Injury Tents

#PrayForSaquon

Deep down, I had a feeling this was going to happen eventually. Saquon has like literally never had an injury in his career. Like one time freshman year, he missed 2 games with a sprained ankle after absolutely putting his name on the map vs San Diego State…

In 2016, he rolled his ankle against Michigan State but didn’t miss any real playing time… in fact, next game, he went on to score the first/second most famous TD in PSU history the last decade, the wheel route over TJ Watt to win the B1G:

shout out to the bunnyhop, just as well known in the fanbase:

back to reality….That’s it. 2 games, freshman year, that he could’ve played if he wasn’t the 3rd back on the depth chart. It was bound to happen eventually. Gone too soon, but not forgotten. Fortunately, Saquon should come back right around the same time as Drew and AJ and hopefully, it's just one big healthy rehab points party. I’m talkin a full-on scorgy. More than likely though they all just SUCK!

Week 4 At A Glance (with Brian McAvoy)

Kings of Leon (0-3) @ The Butler Space Pirate of Planet Cuck 9 (1-2)

Who will keep their hopes alive in this battle of desperate teams:

Minshew Mania (3-0) @ Big Dick Nicks (2-1)

Minshew Mania enters this matchup undefeated after putting up consistent totals of 142, 149, and 136. However, despite their undrafted start, they enter as an 8-point underdog vs the Big Dick Nicks who responded in a big way a nearly 20 point win in week 3 after an abysmal week 2, getting back to their slangin ways

Fantasy’s top RB in Cristian McCaffery (RIP Saquan’s ankle) fuels the Big Dick Nicks. CMC and .5 PPR man Keenan Allen give Nick the safest floor in fantasy. Deep threat Sammy Watkins and QB Deshaun Watson have the blow-up potential, which will make any opponent worried. Minshew Mania’s upside took a shot to the face with Melvin Gordon’s imminent return, but the team will be hoping for a memorable farewell performance from Austin Ekeler against Miami to keep pace with CMC.

Being outmatched at QB and WR. Minshew Mania will be relying on a strong flex and a bounce-back performance from Baltimore TE Mark Andrews. Almost the entirety of this Coxford Division showdown will take place Sunday with the sole exception of Mania’s Pittsburgh DST taking on the Bengals on MNF. Minshew Mania has pulled out a few wins from the SNF/MNF matchups this year, will the trend continue?

Call Me Big Popp-ah (1-2) @ The Lockett Rockett (2-1)

An intriguing storyline in this Friday Song divisional showdown is 2-time defending champion Call Me Big Popp-ah having a losing record at this point in the season.

There is no reprieve for Sam this week as he faces a Lockett Rocket team coming off a 173-point outburst and is a nearly 18-point favorite in the matchup. Sam’s primary issue is the underperformance of what should be a stud WR lineup. Adams has struggled due to the Packer’s new slow-paced offense and Godwin’s inconsistency is not helping. Meanwhile, Michael Thomas is struggling without Drew Brees. The last time someone needed a “Drew” this badly was Taylor Swift in 2007.

One encouraging sign for our defending champ is that Kamara was able to show a strong performance even without Drew and will need to repeat the feat to give Sam a chance in this matchup. Big Popp-ah TE Vance McDonald is banged up as well so that will need to be monitored. Lockett must be feeling really good about his squad with Zeke doing his thing, Evans and Juju bouncing back, and Engram receiving new life from Daniel Jones taking over the G-men’s offense. Sam will get the first word with Adams playing in TNF while Lockett will get the final answer as Juju battles the Bengals at home on MNF.

Blue Injury Tents (1-2) @ Genderfluid Nonbinary (1-2)

We have our third rebranding of the season here as Thomas looks to turn his admittedly awful luck around. After suffering a Week 2 loss in which Brees, Jeffery, and Desean Jackson succumbed to injury, the hits just keep coming for the Commish.

Week 3 saw team talisman and PSU alum Saquon Barkley go down vs Tampa Bay with what turned out to be a high ankle sprain. The Blue Injury Tents’ hopes of pitching a different sort of a tent will rely on Dalvin Cook who is on a rampage at the moment

and Russell Wilson airing it out vs the Cardinals. Waiver wire adds in Terry McLaurin and Wayne Gallman will need to step up and prove their worth. The Genderfluid Nonbinaries are coming off quite a heavy defeat, but the winds of change and hope are now in the air for this squad.

Draft pick MG3 has reported to the Chargers and will look to join the starting lineup for Joe in week 5 vs Denver. Lamar Jackson, Kelce, the Bears DST, and Tucker give Joe prime options at those positions so an upgrade to the RB core could be massive. This matchup will come down to James Conner on MNF vs the Bengals to decide who avoids a dreaded 1-3 start and a possible share of last place at the 4-week mark.

Harrisonburg 21-16 (1-2) @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL (3-0)

Our last matchup from the week is another divisional faceoff in the Gary Coxford Division and features another undefeated squad. Mahomes has proved his worth as the keeper for Chuck leading the team to an undefeated start and #1 in the power rankings. It will be a struggle for Chuck this week being down top selections in Le’Veon Bell and Kittle due to the first bye week of the season.

The timing sets up nicely for Jacob to get back to .500 as a whopping 21.6-point favorite. Three players will feature in tonight’s game at Lambeau with Jacob’s Ertz+ Packers DST battling Chuck’s Jordan Howard. Julio, Kupp, and Boyd have been getting it done in Harrisonburg, which could be the difference. Despite being, a favorite Jacob may be left waiting for Boyd to put up point on Monday to seal the win if Mahomes keeps the magic flowing in Detroit.