Week 5 - Everybody Sucks

Sorry that this is late. *Beyonce, drunk in love, I’ve been drinkin voice* I’ve been busy this week but I think there is some good, sleep-deprived content tucked away in some spots.

Everyone has a shitty record now, except for like Brian, Chuck and PLo. It’s very depressing. Time to cheer up with some memes

Your playoff odds:

Without further ado.

Week 4 Review

Kings of Leon 106.9 @ The Butler Space Pirate of Planet Cuck 9 103.9

SWEET JESUS! HIT THE MUSIC!

Nick final did it, baby! Oh sweet Lord almighty! Praise Jesus! Thank you God! Sweet Mary and Joseph! I thought this one was fucked for Nick when he benched ARodg against the absolute horseshit Eagles secondary and Aaron finally went for 30. Fortunately for Nick, Brady would find himself *Joe Namath voice* strug-gl-ing

against the Bill defense all day to the tune of just 5.2 points. The QBs really set the tone for what was a struggle between these two teams. Early into the 1 PM slate you knew this was going to be exactly what Nick (and Bill Clinton) wanted, a low scoring affair. Pats RBs were able to match Nicks TE pickup and Flex, while Defense and Kicker left Pat feeling confident heading into the late slates. Pat just needed Cooper to outscore Mixon and he would claim a win. But the Cowboys are FRAUDS and Cooper put up a light spot, leaving Pat with a 103.9 to 98.6 lead entering MNF. At halftime, there was still hope for PBut. Mixon hadn’t put up a big half and Nick still trailed by 1.5…. Then it happened. 1st and 10, Cincinnati ball at their own 25, 9:24 remaining in the 3rd quarter… Joe Mixon took a handoff off the left guard for 15 yards. The very next play he took the same gap for 5 more yards… Nick had won.

Break out the beer bong, its time to celebrate:

Minshew Mania 158.6 @ Big Dick Nicks 128.4

I’m officially calling this game Bama/LSU. The first polls come out; you circle this one on the calendar. Then a few weeks of play and you get all excited because both teams are looking pretty great… then they meet. Brian’s team is just an unstoppable force at this point. If someone isn’t going off for 20 someone else is popping 30 to carry the weight. Bad weeks for Ingram and Hopkins, ok good weeks for Nick Chubb and the Steelers D. Nick was going to need another big day out of Sammy Watkins or David Montgomery to pull this one out if Keenan Allen was going to have an off day. Nick has plenty of bench talent though, Sutton and Jones could crack the lineup. Jones is the top-rated RB by PFF through 4 weeks, and Carson Wentz is their highest-graded QB. So much potential, but a loss to Brian puts an early damper on the divisional crown hopes and the first-round bye that comes with.

In a battle between two goliaths, Brian ultimately muscled out a win:

Call Me Big Popp-ah 139 @ Lockett Rocket 141.7

On Saturday, Elon Musk unveiled a brand-new fucking stainless-steel big daddy rocket to fly us to Mars (I assume). Never before in my (fantasy) life have I seen such a direct sign from God regarding someone’s fantasy team. The Rise of Fitzpatrick and Minshew were solid omens for Brian for sure. The Super Bowl Champion Eagles rallied to the JPFL Cup almost simultaneously with the second coming of Nick Foles last season… This is like Mayan blood ritual sacrifice level omen. I’m talkin that scene from Apocalypto where they go to cop homie’s heart off him and then ya boy “the moon” came through all clutch like, parkin that ass on the sun for a hot second so that king big crown and advisor nose ring would let my dawg jaguar paw live. Could this be the voodoo magic Pat needs to ultimately climb out of second place? He put his powers to the test against Sam who is experience an aligning of the stars of his own as Notorious BIGs album “ready to die” turned 25 this year (On September 13th… the only weekend Sam won a game… I mean). Biggie Smalls tried to buss rounds with Stafford and Godwin, but Pat had answers. Big days from Fournette and Golladay paired with excellent special teams lifted the Lockett Rocket to a 3rd straight win.

The Lockett Rocket has taken flight:

Blue Injury Tents 104.7 @ Genderfluid Nonbinary 123.1

There is a threat to our society. A secret, hidden killer, that we must ban. It seeps into the lungs of our youth, puff after puff. Rotting away at their organs. It’s chemicals and carcinogens, claiming countless young healthy promising lives. So many bright futures gone to waste for a little afternoon puff. At least 450 people, in 33 different states have suffered a serious illness from it and we’ve recently had our first death here in Virginia. That’s right… the 4:00 PM NFL slate. What in the name of Neil DeGrasse Tyson happens to the reality surrounding my team during the three cursed hours between 4 and 7 PM on Sunday? My team seems to just walk off a cliff and fall apart when the clock hits 4:00… whatever, I don’t wanna talk about it. Props to Joe for finding the fantasy QB1 thus far in the season. I’ll see your ass again this year, probably for your 3rd win of the season. I’m pretty sure every H2H I had with Joe through 1:00P I won… I’m sick.

It was neck and neck early but I thought I had it… guess not:

Harrisonburg 21-16 108.4 @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL 97.1

So, Chuck is human after all… I never would’ve guessed Sunday night when Jordan Howard scored 31 points that he would finish with 31.9% of Chuck’s final score. I did think it could severely diminish that big night for Howard because Agholor didn’t get a single pass because Alshon Jefferey was healthy (and DJax is back too now…). I don’t know what option Chuck had, but that 0 in the flex spot was ultimately the difference in this one.

Chuck finally faced an obstacle he couldn’t overcome:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/02 11:11 PM (make a wish, cucks)

Since all of our teams suck officially, I’m declaring these power rankings a roast. I didn’t tell Tree Beard Smchidt-Butler though, so he’ll still be providing an honest assessment of our fantasy diarrhea. That being said, his wife’s birthday was today. So his contributions will be coming later so its entirely possible he sees this and dives in.

Wow. What an equalizing week this was. We have 4 teams at 1-3 with both wild card teams at 2-2. This means that EVERYONE is in the playoff race because the 4 teams that are out right now are only back by a singular game. This is fantasy folks and anything can happen, but let’s get to the numbers.

Since I’ve broken down everyone’s teams down the past couple of weeks, I won’t do that again; and instead I’ll touch on the highlights I see from this week’s power rankings and the league at large.

(Side Note: so bummed Legatron missed that kick, Rams deserved to win and I deserved those 4 points, hope I don’t lose by 5 or I’ll have to kill my self to save face.)

Minshew Mania killed it again this week with another #1 scoring effort, is the only undefeated team and is in the S tier all by himself. He’s basically already locked up the Coxford division and a bye. We’ll see if the return of Gordon this week can slow his team down at all.

T: Lol 0 losses… what a fucking narc. NEXT!

The Lockett Rocket soared into second place this week and deservedly so. In what ended up being the game of the week, Pat had another high scoring effort with 141.6 points. With Evans getting back and staying on track, Pat’s team is set up for success.

T: It’s perfect, Pat is good but clearly not as good as Brian. Welcome home, to second place. How fitting the Bills fan is a second place 4 years running kinda guy. I mean geez, the numbers are so confident in history they gave Brian his own tier, just so there wasn’t any confusion. They say second place is like kissing your sister so I guess you could call Pat King Rama V because he’s going for a third! HEY OH.

Big Nicks continue to look strong with McCaffery and Allen, but Minshew mania was just too much. That sucks for Nick.

T: Nick managed to score 200 points this year and still end up .500 because he is the Jeff Fisher of our league.

Harrisonburg Whoops I Ended Up at VT Anyway finally finds himself in the top half of the league after a favorable matchup playing Chuck who failed to top 100. Kupp is turning up and Julio is finally having a consistent season. Jacobs team looks to be on the up and up.

T: It’s ok Jacob, I’m sure Dak and the Cowboys will see another soft defense this season so they can actually score a TD- oh wait, what? Oh… really?! Just the Giants week 9? Oh.

Pat is 1-3 and the Patriot haven’t even suffered a loss yet… imagine how much that week is gonna fuckin suck, as you all know.

As just mentioned, TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL was knocked off by Jacob last week and seems to be reeling from the losses of Brown, Williams and Fitzgerald. This caused Charile to take a big 3 spot drop to 6th in this week’s rankings.

T: Chuck, don’t ever give up on Kalen Ballage

Big Popp-ah finally had a good week and lost. That sucks. He stays put.

Tom Brady finally had a bad week and I lost, can’t be mad about that. The Bills defense is amazing. We’ll look to bounce back against the Shitskins this week.

T: Baker Mayfield, breakout year.

Nonbinary continues to run through Lamar Jackson.

T: Love the commitment to keep Damien Harris on the roster even though he’s inactive on gamedays. I should’ve realized it was destiny for a genderfluid team to sit right in the middle at .500.

Injury Tents had to be elated when Gallman went off, but it wasn't enough. That sucks for Thomas.

Finally, with the Kings of Leon getting a win he is right back in it. Arguably the best story of the week, Nick went from suffering in the abyss of irrelevancy, to being right in the playoff race. Nick also just added two starting RBs in Williams and Coleman, and just picked up the Pat’s replacement kicker. Nick’s team looks like it’s in good shape to compete if he can ever regain trust in Rodgers

T: I told Nick I would do this song for his first win

Old Town Road – Kings of Leon

Yeah, I'm gonna take my team to the playoffs now

I'm gonna win 'til I get that crown

I'm gonna take my team to the playoffs now

I'm gonna win 'til I get that crown

I got the KC runnings back

Kerryon is fast

Mixon caught a pass

Got bernanrd to cuff his ass

Ridin' on a win, streak

I picked up Will Dissly

Added Tevin Coleman

And even white Cole Beasley

My team finally stopped suckin’

finally stopped suckin’

My team finally stopped suckin’

finally stopped suckin’

I love Tyrell Williams

heal up TY Hilton

I benched Aaron Rodgers

You can go and ask him

leaning on Jacoby

Dan Jones aint my homie

Panthers D and Keuchly

Jared Cook is booty

My team finally stopped suckin’

finally stopped suckin’

My team finally stopped suckin’

finally stopped suckin’

Yeah, I'm gonna take my team to the playoffs now

I'm gonna win 'til I get that crown

I'm gonna take my team to the playoffs now

I'm gonna win 'til I get that crown

Game of the Week

Lockett Rocket (3-1)

Genderfluid Nonbinary (2-2)

Line: Rick -8.5

Back to our usual theme for game of the week, this one is like college football week 3 where there aren’t any ranked on ranked games, so you pick the next best thing. Like last election basically.

Pat has had quite the turnaround since week 1. During his three game run he’s averaged 147.3 points, 0.7 greater than Brian’s average on the season… He’s been neck and neck with the league’s top team outside of that slow start.

Joe is back to .500 and looking to potentially join the ranks of the aristocrats. He’s hoping his brand new (refurbished) Melvin Gordon can give him enough return on investment for that nice west side property in the top tier.

With more on the game of the week, here’s Senior JPFL Correspondent, Brian McAvoy.

We have a battle right here for first place of the Friday Song division between Lockett Rocket and the Genderfluid Nonbinary. Lockett is an 8.5-point favorite who has won 3 straight since a Week 1 loss to Chuck. Joe has had an up and down season so far but is now back at .500 and getting Melvin Gordon back. ESPN gives Lockett a 54% chance to walk away with the win while Fantasy Pros estimates 58.7% based on the current lineups. Now that the stage has been set, on to the matchup itself. Neither of these teams possess a starter playing Thursday or Monday night so this fight will be fierce and swift. Sixteen of the twenty starters are playing at 1 which sets up an afternoon closing duel between Zeke/Lindsay and Melvin Gordon and top TE Travis Kelce. Despite Ju-Ju’s massive struggles, so far Lockett still looks to have an advantage at WR due to Mike Evans stepping things up after a torrid start. Joe will be relying on his top selections Lamar Jackson, Kelce, and Bears DST to help pull over the upset. If MGIII can produce like an RB1 upon his return Joe could be looking at playoff spot.

This game is being played at Chiles Peach Orchard on I-64, show up early to get that all you can eat pancake special. The game will be broadcast on the Farming Network.

(what is this gif??)

Hunger Foul

Call Me Big Popp-ah: 70.2 Bench Points

Unfortunately, Sam, unlike all those weeks I won this award, I haven’t heard that this week specifically, when you won the award, is a good sign for a team… sorry, pal. Most of this award is the byproduct of keeping 3 QBs on the roster, I’ve seen a lot of that this year, its been fun. Outside of that it was just Frank Gore joining the 15K club with a solid performance. Not a lot to feel bad about here.

Waiver Move of the Week

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9

Drop WR, Jarvis Landry – Add WR, Antonio Brown

SCALE 1 to 10:

Here are the stats each of these players had last Sunday

Jarvis Landry: 8 catches for 167 yards

Antonio Brown: 9 filed grievances/appeals with the NFL

Don’t worry though, Pat was able to snag Jarvis Landry this week, just in time for him to go into concussion protocol.

If you’re looking for another notable waiver move. Nick Leon picked up Will Dissly in a move that certainly won him the matchup against PBut this week who would’ve won with Landry in the starting lineup…

Bad Luck of the Week

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9

Ok, I cave; you can has it.

Pat honestly did have a week full of bad luck this week. Tom Brady will probably never go for just 5.2 points again this year. Seriously like October 2013 and September 2014 vs the Chiefs are his awful fantasy weeks. Adam Thielen literally had one target I think and he was wide open on several plays. Josh Gordon looked high. Amari Cooper finally did nothing. Hollywood Brown had a down week, as those deep threat guys tend to from time to time. Pats leading scorer was his defense, followed not too far behind by the kicker.

Honorable mention: me, I was watching the Pats with Pat and took then -6.5 in like the second quarter… the only won by 6……………………………………………

Week 5 At A Glance

Lockett Rocket (3-1) @ Genderfluid Nonbinary (2-2) +8.5

Its brokeback mountain vs space technology in the game of the week

Minshew Mania (4-0) @ Blue Injury Tents (1-3) +12.9

A cross-divisional matchup between two teams traveling in different directions. The Injury Tents suffered yet another injury to a TE this week with Hockensen going down after replacing Njoku who got put on IR. I was going to say whoever Thomas picked up better watch themselves but Tyler Eifert knows the IR all too well.

The Injury Tents enter as near 13-point underdogs looking to end Minshew Mania’s undrafted start to the season. Fantasy Pros gives Thomas a surprisingly low 30.6% chance to win while ESPN comes in with a much more encouraging 45%. Pat Shurmur keeps talking up Saquan’s possible return, but the Injury Tents are covered either way with former Clemson RB Wayne Gallman in the lineup. QB Russell Wilson and WR Brandin Cooks will kick off the week Thursday night in Seattle. If those two can outscore their counterparts in Famous Jameis and Deandre Hopkins, Minshew Mania’s hype train will come to an abrupt halt.

Minshew Mania will be hoping an advantage at TE can be the key difference maker as many positions RB, WR, DST are quite close. In what seems to be a continuous occurrence for Minshew Mania they will be entering MNF with a player (Nick Chubb in this instance) trying to win it. When the dust settles late Monday night will there be a full chubb or a pitched blue tent?

Kings of Leon (1-3) @ Call Me Big Popp-ah (1-3) +31

The major storyline here is the fall from grace of the defending champion Call Me Big Popp-ah. This squad went from steamrolling the league the past two seasons to 1-3 after the first month of the 2019 season.

While this line is likely to change once roster moves for bye weeks/ injuries are submitted it illustrates how much of a fight Samwise will have on his hands in regard to the three-peat. Let’s not let Sam steal all the spotlight though. Kings of Leon came away their first win of the season last week to join the host of squads at 1-3. Team owner Nick Leon has been pounding the waiver wire with 15 transactions so far this season

(15 which is tops for the league) and will roll out quite a few new additions in this matchup. Jacoby Brisset will get his first start fresh off the street as well new Patriots K Mike Nugent. Damien Williams missed last week due to injury but will likely start this week after logging a few practice appearances this week. Injuries at WR for both squads are the focal point of this tussle. Kings of Leon have T.Y. Hilton and Tyrell Williams questionable while the Big Popp-ah’s may be without Davante Adams. Chris Godwin is also on the injury report for Sam’s squad after burning the Rams last week but played through the same injury in the process. Kings of Leon will light the fuse on TNF with Lockett and Dissly and end the matchup with OBJ on MNF. Call Me Big Popp-ah will be playing exclusively on Sunday but will be scoreboard watching all weekend long. Will the champ rebound, or will Nick seize the opportunity for a signature win?

Big Dick Nicks (2-2) @ Harrisonburg 21-16 (2-2) +1.3

Blood will be shed in the Gary Coxford division this week as the Big Dick Nicks attempt to windmill their way through Harrisonburg.

The highest projected total of the week and the narrowest line feature in this matchup which would merit Game of the Week most of the time. However, a battle for 2nd place in a division isn’t quite as noteworthy as a first-place clash so it is what it is. What we will see is a barrage of points largely in part due to the #1 non-QB in CMC, two top 6 QBs (Watson and Prescott), and 4 of the top 6 wideouts (Keenan Allen, Kupp, Julio and Watkins). The Big Dick Nicks are only slight favorites according to ESPN 51% while FantasyPros is significantly higher at 60.7%. This clash has a heavy TNF influence as Nick deploys Carson, Woods, and the Seattle DST while Jacob has his Rams duo in Gurley and Kupp. While a quarter of this showdown’s starters feature on Thursday the competitors may have to wait for the 49ers DST on MNF. Honestly in my opinion this game is closer than Alabama cousins.

Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 (1-3) @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL (3-1) +12.4

The Space Pirates got truly cucked last week by the previously last place Kings of Leon. They say football is a game of inches and Pat fell 3 inches shy of what was needed against Nick.

The Space Pirates have been had 30 more points scored against them than anyone else in the league and find themselves desperate to avoid a 1-4 start. As is par for the course with Butler his fantasy team mirrors its real-life counterpart. It can work out well considering their usual soft schedule but they tend to struggle in some places like Buffalo. That certainly isn’t the case this week as the Patriots take on the most dysfunctional franchise in the league this week, the Redskins.

When asked about their QB plan this week, Redskins coach Jay Gruden said “We don’t have one”. Pat can pencil another 20+ performance for his DST and just has to hope the WRs get more looks than the RBs for NE. ESPN is giving Chuck a 45% chance in this one which differs massively from Fantasy Pros who gives Chuck a disgustingly low 22% chance. Mahomes looked human last week but returns home in a likely shootout vs the Colts. Mahomes always is a threat for 35+. Chuck also gets key players Le’Veon and Kittle back from their early byes. Stellar performances from his studs and a NE letdown in DC could lead to the upset. Kittle and Deebo feature for Tetrahydro in the Monday night game to get the final word. Charlie will thrilled if Deebo can snatch some chains.