Week 6 - Pointsapalooza

Thomas (feat. Brian and PJ Lightning))
Oct 11, 2019
12 min read

"What's amazing, and annoying, was him not shaking hands at the beginning,"

– Richard Sherman

That was officially the dumbest story of the week… besides this

Time for some memes

What a wild week of fantasy. Officially the highest scoring week in JPFL history with 1391 points scored! The next closest was week 2 with 1343.2 points. Before this season you’d have to go back to week 13 of 2015 with 1261.1 points to come close.

Another fun nugget, even though we added a WR spot, RBs are accounting for a larger percentage of scores than ever at 32.1%. The position has never averaged more than the 30% mark, in 2018 they accounted for 29.97% but it’s never been where it is today. WRs haven’t dropped off a lot either. Most of the points the RB position has gained have come from TEs, down 2% this year.

The League’s two biggest scoring outputs ever belong to a pair of 2-3 brothers. And speaking of 2-3 the great logjam in the Friday Song division keeps Nick Leon more than alive in the playoff discussion, believe it or not. It looks, once again, like the League will have two clear division winners and a clusterfuck beneath them as teams scramble for the playoffs and the right side of .500.

Looking at the luck factor, in terms of scheduling. Pat Butler’s cuck branding continues to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Lockett surprisingly the second luckiest with a 20% in win percentage off of schedule, despite being our new number 1 in the power rankings (spoiler alert). Joe, Jacob and Nick Leon getting almost perfectly fair schedules, thus far.

Here are your playoff odds on FanPros:

And this is the breakdown according to our second model:

Pat L – 94.44%

Brian – 93.52%

Chuck – 67.72%

Jacob – 64.84%

Pat B – 62.44%

Nick B – 61.86%

Sam – 52.36%

Joe – 47.88%

Thomas – 38.64

Nick L – 16.08%

Next week is officially the mid-point of the season. Just like week 3, we’ll all be playing cross-division (as is the case every year). After this week you’ll have played everyone in your division once. The goal is to be 4-3 or better after week7, that’s a playoff-clinching pace.

Without further ado.

(that’s Chris Hansen if you can't tell)

Week 5 Review

Lockett Rocket 140.5 @ Genderfluid Nonbinary 116

The Lockett Rocket continues to blast full speed ahead through the Friday Song division. Aside from one special wide receiver (which we’ll get to later) Joe never had a chance in this one. The entire tone for this matchup was set at the QB position, as Matt Ryan dropped a 35 to Lamar Jackson’s 13… Much like my own team, Joe needs his Tier 1 QB to shoulder much of the load and 13 from Lamar is never going to get the job done. Leonard Fournette and Phillip Lindsay provide Pat two big RB days to Joe’s one to tilt the odds even more in PLo’s favor. The Plockett Rocket moves to 8-2 all-time against Joe with this win, sheesh.

Joe watching Will Fuller go off realizing he could’ve had this one:

Minshew Mania 95.1 @ Blue Injury Tents 155.5

To conquer the injury tent I had to become one with it last weekend. Now THE CURSE IS LIFTED!! LOL, not fuckin close. This was basically 4 players on my team going ham while the others all still got injured. It’s quite amazing that I’m sitting here at 2-3. Russ is the NFL MVP rn, Dalvin Cook was 1000% the correct choice at pick 11, DJ Chark has turned into a top 5 wideout… that’s usually a formula to not suck. The key factor this weekend though was me not starting anyone important past 4:00PM. I was able to get all my points in before my team’s witching hour which lead to a big day. Adding to the cause for me, everything Brian predicted might go wrong, went wrong for him. Nuk managed to be the only low scoring Texan in a 53 point showing. Austin Ekeler’s 30 points games are behind him this year and Joey Slye finally looked like a Rookie Kicker.

I expected more:

Kings of Leon 93.9 @ Call Me Big Popp-ah 156.3

Another rough week for nick in which things ultimately felt helpless. Lockett and Dissly got things started decently with double-digit showings on Thursday night… unfortunately, that would be as good as it got for Nick. Brissett continued the trend of disappointing QB play for Nick and the rest of the roster largely followed suit. Big days from Godwin and Thomas kept this one from ever being close for Sam and Murray’s breakout day added icing on the cake.

It was never a fair fight:

Big Dick Nicks 137.7 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 154.6

We’ve come a long way since that earth-shattering (former) JPFL record-setting performance in week 1. Flashes of that dominance are still around. DeShaun Watson and Christian McCaffrey delivered the 2nd and 5th highest scoring starts in JPFL history… But too much inconsistency surrounds. Sammy Watkins is averaging 5.4 points a game since his week 1 career showing, that average drops each week. Keenan Allen hasn’t put on the long sleeves yet this season, so he won’t be consistently super Saiyan yet. There’s plenty of firepower on Nick’s team, enough that he should still make the playoffs… but the roster needs to round out to avoid losses like this within the upper echelon. Jacob didn’t have any record-breaking performances, but he did have that critical consistency. Just two players on his team fell short of 10 points, everyone else contributed… even the defense. 150 was more than achievable for Nick last week but the rest of his roster let him down… we might’ve seen another 200+ day from Nick had they not though… that keeps this team a constant threat.

A more “well-rounded” approach game Jacob the bigger day:

Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 215.1 @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL 103.2

The magic has faded quickly for Chuck. After averaging 132.8 for the first 3 weeks of the season, Chuck has suddenly seen his output drop to 100.1 over the last two weeks, dropping his record to 3-2. The Fitzgerald trade didn’t set Chuck back 30 points on its own, but the slide does coincide with it. Toss in the Damien Williams mishap and maybe you’re out 30 points but still probably not. Pat Mahomes had a human performance and no breakout day could be found in the lineup to help aside from Kittle’s Monday night showing… but by then it was well over. A top 5 all-time (JPFL) day from Aaron Jones backed with 3 more massive ~30 point games created the perfect formula for Pat to claim the JPFL scoring record from his brother (remember that theme set back in week 1: competition). Johnson and Edelman tossed in big days as well and the special teams went for 27 points as PBut coasted to the second-largest win in JPFL history.

Chuck was no match for Pat’s superior tactics:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/10 12:00PM

Another week, another set of power rankings. Numbers are big and scary and not to be trusted, so we brought in an expert to translate. Fresh off a weekend that was so strong in its managing of numbers that it resulted in a JPFL scoring record, here’s Pat Butler with the Power Rankings breakdown:

What’s up everybody, here are this week’s JPFL power ranking highlights. Make sure to like and subscribe for more content!

- Get cucked fam. Long one of the teams on the outside looking, it seems that my Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates have broken into the top tiers of the league with a record-setting 215.1 point game. If this is the potential of my team, a strong playoff run for the Pirates is very possible.

- Once again this week showed that this game is heavily luck based and anything can happen. For instance, Brian’s undefeated team rolled out a sub 100 score, an injured af Blue Injury Tents dominated their opponent, and the team that lost to a winless team just set the record for most points ever.

- With the aforementioned loss, Minshew Mania not only loses it’s shiny, fuck you, ’S’ tier, but they also drop to second place, despite being #1 in overall wins. I personally think Brian’s team should still be #1, but this could be a sign of things to come, post-Gordon holdout,

- The Lockett Rockets grab the #1 spot for the first time this season after putting up a solid win vs. Nonbinary. They are 4th in overall wins, but #1 in record, roster and the ESPN poll. Evans laying an egg again is concerting for PLo’s team, and he will have to hope that Lindsay and Fournette keeping putting up 20+ point performances.

- The Big Dick Nicks have fallen another 2 places after a loss to Harrisonburg My Team Name isn’t Even the Correct Score. The Nicks have dropped all the way from first place in week 1 despite Watson and McCaffery consistently amazing. Watkins has done shit since the first week and the Nicks will need to see some more production from their WRs to get back into the top tiers.

- Chuck’s team keeps sliding and the losses of Damien Williams, Fitz, and Brown are really hurting him. TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL will really need to step up its game in the WR department to have any chance of competing. This will be tough with his 10th placed roster. Somehow Dick has Chuck ranked fifth which is suspicious of some quid pro quo happening between the two. Maybe Chuck has some business dealings in Ukraine.

- Big Poppah had a mother strong showing this week, moving up to #6, and are looking like a contender again. Sam is ranked #2 inconsistency but no higher than #5 in everything else.

- The Kings of Leon unfortunately were a victim of this return to form and is really struggling as he is ranked #10 in all categories except one; where he is ranked #9 (Roster). At least Nick has a glimmer of hope only being 1 game out of a playoff spot.

T: I Miss You – Kings of Leon

Hello there

The angel from my nightmare

Its Rodgers only scoring 15 points

The unsuspecting victim

Of Kansas City’s backfield

We can live like Dame and Shady if we want

Where Odell Beckham fucked me

And we'll pick up Jacoby Brissett

And Sunday night I'll wish that I was dead

I'll wish that I was dead

I just lose, I just lose

Will Dissly

Please save my season

I cannot start 3 wideouts on the bye

I need Matt Breida to fuck off

for Tevin Coleman

I had to bench Joe Mixon for a try

And as I stared I counted

My players on the bye week

It really sucks, the waiver wire’s poor

at least I lucked into Mike Nuge

just to cuck Pat Butler

Do you remember I beat him week 4

I beat him week 4

I Fucking hate my team