Week 7 - The Halfway

“I don’t know what that was. Don’t do that at our own stadium. It already felt like it was their stadium … I don’t understand that."

- Melvin Gordon on the Chargers playing the Steelers' fight song

What a shitastic week of football.

I hope you all had fun staring into the Fortnite black hole last Sunday like Nick and me. (it's me, not I, its an object, fuck off)

Time for a meme dump?

Time for a meme dump.

Only one good thing happened last Sunday (besides the Cowboys, God’s team, losing)

We are officially at the (fantasy) regular season’s halfway point!!

For all you divisional shit talks, the Friday Song out-averaged the Coxford division by 26 points so shut the hell up.

Let’s take a look at the updated projections from Fantasy Pros.

Not a ton of change but peep that percentage for Nick… Fan Pros model basically ruling this a must-win for the Kings of Leon. You can see the league’s cut line now projects one 6-7 team to make the postseason, so .500 still looks like the safe mark to be in. 7 wins and you’re in. Based on all these numbers though, I’d have to think Brian and PLo become playoff locks with wins this weekend.

Looking at our other model, the odds are:

Pat L – 98.4%

Brian – 97.92%

Pat B – 75.52%

Sam – 69.96%

Jacob – 67.24%

Joe – 63.6%

Chuck – 48.44%

Nick B – 45.04%

Thomas – 27.12%

Nick L – 5.92%

So, some early, obvious playoff scenarios:

Pat and Brian likely clinch this week with a win, a loss pushes that maybe another week or two. They really wouldn’t have to worry until 5-3 that things are going downhill though.

Nick Leon is probably in “win out” mode for the next few weeks. I don’t know if a loss eliminates him entirely… it is a cross-divisional week so if the 3 midling teams above him in the Friday Song lose as well, its just a push. But tbh, Nick really needs to find a 3-game win streak right now. I think he can afford maybe 1 loss for the rest of the season…

Based on the way the first half shook out, a lot is going to come down to how your team performs from Halloween to Thanksgiving. Positive records during that stretch probably make the playoffs.

The way our schedule sets up every year, we use week 7 as a cross-divisional halfway point; before this week you play everyone in your division once and after this week you play every team in your division once. You should have played 2 cross-divisional opponents already with 2 more remaining.

Win your second half divisional battles and you’ll be making the playoffs, plain and simple.

So, listen, guys. The trade deadline is like a month away, and tbh it’s the best way to try and aggressively upgrade your team. The waiver wire is cool and all but if you want to make a big splash, a trade is the way to go. Bust for bust, player you're high on for player their high on, need for need, whatever it is, trades are the way and our league underutilizes them. If you’re looking to make a move, I think the best place to start is one of the following: 1) what do I need, who has more than they need there? 2) What do I have a lot of, who needs that? 3) Who am I willing to give up on and who is a player of similar value?

But I won’t stop there with my help. I’m going to give you my SUREFIRE, trade request template to send to anyone you want to NAIL A DEAL with!

Dear (Owner Name),

Let's work out a good deal! You don't want to be responsible for costing yourself thousands of points, and I don't want to be responsible for destroying the waiver wire economy — and I will. I've already given you a little sample with respect to (good waiver pickup you’ve made).

I have worked hard to solve some of your problems. Don't let the league down. You can make a great deal. I am willing to negotiate with you, and I am willing to make concessions that I would never have made in the past. I am confidentially enclosing a copy of my trade request.

History will look upon you favorably if you get this done the right and humane way. It will look upon you forever as the devil if good things don't happen. Don't be a tough guy. Don't be a fool!

I will call you later

Sincerely,

(Sign Your Name Here)

Best of luck making moves.

Pat Butler wants to talk about the schedule. Well, I accidentally put myself against teams 1-2-3 in our power rankings in that order… That’s usually some shit you do when you’re playing NCAA 14 trying to bang out the “win a national title with ODU” achievement. Honestly, think it’s reasonable to say I could’ve been 2-0 in this stretch so fuck it. Strapping the bomb to my chest and coming for you PBut.

Speaking of schedule, let’s check in on who’s gotten the most and least help from the ways things shook out:

Also, if you’re wondering. The Patriots are on the bye week 10, congratulations, Sam. Whole lotta restraint not scheduling myself that week WHICH I COULD HAVE!!

Also, just a heads up. It's going to look like I'm changing the schedule each week in the League Recent Activity tab... all I'm doing is rearranging the matchup to list from most to least sexy (by records)... It just reflects this like a change still

No need to be alarmed... unless you want to, you do you

Without further ado.

Week 6 Review

Blue Injury Tents 120.3 @ The Lockett Rocket 136

Had this one in theeee bag, until like 5:40 PM Sunday, I dunno. I mean everything went right. Everyone went for huge games. I was throwing 20 point performances out left and right. The pace was big, projections were highly favorable. 4PM crept in, and I knew to be terrified of it, but damn it kinda started off hot. Ryan, Zeke and P Lizzo all had shaky first halves. It was all a trick. Just like the FN blackhole that we spent hours staring into Sunday… Fuck the tight end position too like what even are you a wide receiver or a lineman. you idiots. I’m also operating on a theory now that Bill Beli hates fantasy football and wants his backfield as unpredictable as possible, so incoming Sony Michel 10 goal-line touches after a week with 0. Lets fucking talk about this too. How am I gonna rock QB1 and RB1 and poop my way to the demerit bowl? Give me a serrated blade and a noose goodness fuck.

My opponents, when 4’o’clock rolls around:

Minshew Mania 133.1 @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL 88.3

Chuck’s incredibly hot start has now fizzle back to Earth and .500. A sub-100 day is never a good sign for a team, just a Nick. That middle chunk of Chuck’s lineup RB2-WR3, that was firing at all cylinders through 3 weeks, just has gone cold down the stretch. Howard is inconsistent in the Philly backfield but also they’re more than willing to give him every goal-line carry so he’s a tough bench. I think that’s an excellent example of the fantasy crapshoot. You can snipe a great matchup, make a great call and just have the flow of a game fuck you over. Your RBs team threw a pick 6 and let in a punt return TD and now they aren’t running much the rest of the game because they’re playing catchup. Your running back decides not to score a TD because the game is over otherwise. Game plans change A LOT week to week, matchup to matchup, in the NFL and it hits some fantasy teams harder than others.

A wave of scoring and a 50-point loss complete a sudden fall from grace for Chuck:

Call Me Big Popp-ah 120.4 @ Big Dick Nicks 112

Moving from one downward slide to another, Nick has seen a much more frustrating removal from the throne than Chuck. After a massive, record-setting, week 1 performance (since broken by his brother), Nick has suffered a string of close losses, going 0-3 despite averaging 126 points the last 3 weeks. Watson, CMac and Carson can carry a bulk of the weight but without Allen, there hasn’t been anyone to push this team over the top. Nick now sits at the bottom of the Coxford division looking up. Meanwhile, a big win for Sam sees his team suddenly in 2nd in the division and into the playoffs. It looks like it'll be a long season in the Friday Song Division though, no rest for the weary. Sam will hope to make the most of a week 7 matchup with Chuck to add another nail in the coffin of a former titan.

A recap of Nick’s season thus far:

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 119.9 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 80

An uncharacteristically rough week for both teams, much more so for one than the other. More of the same for Pat, TB12 and the Pats D went off. Unfortunately, Josh Gordon did a leg thing and Edelman didn’t go absolutely HAM so it was just a mild 70 points from pats 4 pats (which was really 53 from 2). Gerald Everett was somehow a worse waiver snag than Noah Fant (lol I just spit out my drink writing that, fuck tight ends). Also, Aaron Jones, sometimes he’s RB1, sometimes he super questionable. I think that’s a fair discussion to have. Even without the 44 point game its been a better year for the Packer run game though. Let’s see what went wrong for Jac-holyyyy shit. I called Jacob’s team like the model of consistency last week or something fucking DTUPID!Q!! (leaving that *slam your fingers while typing* typo). Usually, everyone chips in and I guess in this case they did, but just like towards the wrong goal… of fucking sucking dick. Dak was good but fuck that guy, prepare for a career day vs the non-existent eagles secondary though (we’ll get to that later). Julio did a few footballs, but no one else showed up for Jacob. Lowkey though Jacob, if I read you that lineup in July and said you would start it this season, you would vomit… just shows you how wild the NFL is.

Pat was like “my week’s bleh, how’s yours, Jacob?” and Jacob was like:

Genderfluid Nonbinary 163.9 @ Kings of Leon 120.5

Man, this was Nick’s week. Like aside from Dissly, this was his shot to grab a big-time win that shakes up the division standings… 120 against Joe, you had to feel ok with that. Nope. Stefon dig a hole to china Diggs pulled a Sammy the hammy Watkins and dropped a once in a lifetime

a prefer the remix though

Love the Talking Heads… those guys invented sampling, google it.

Lamar Jackson popped in a 33 for good measure as well. Did you know he’s 8th in the NFL in rushing yards? I doubt this will consistently be the formula but if Joe (and Nick, if you ignore the formula comment) but with a total like this each, Joe could be a serious contender (or for Nick just like make the postseason).

Golden Tate had nick feeling optimistic… then Stefon Diggs:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/17 5:00PM

For more fun with numbers, here's your Co-Commissioner, Pat Butler.

What the fuck fam. This is America. And in America, we don’t have ties. But last, week, we had the tie-est week in JPFL history. We had three teams score with 0.2 points of each other, and 4 teams within 0.6 points. We also have a clusterfuck 5-way tie for 3rd in the league with 5 teams sitting at 3-3. And on top of all of that, we have a two-way tie for first place in the power rankings! GOTDAMMIT I HATE TIES.

Anyways, with that setting the stage, here are this week’s power rankings highlights:

- As mentioned above, we have a two-way tie at first place, it’s really splitting hairs with these two teams at this point. Lockett Rocket has been coming on with Zeke and Evans stepping up. He’s 1 in the ESPN poll #2 in wins, consistency, and points for. Minshew Mania, has slipped a bit with Ekler taking a back seat to Gordon, but Brian has pulled off a blockbuster trade for OBJ. Brian is currently #1 in wins, Raghdal poll, and roster, but we’ll see if this trade can keep Brian at these levels. OBJ has had a down season and is the #23 WR. He traded away the #2 TE and #19 WR for him so he must be banking on that high ceiling. But honestly, Brian doesn’t have a lot to lose as his roster is so deep and he already has the #1 TE.

- My team, the Space Pirates, is #1 in points for and consistency and as long as we can stay healthy, which is a concern with 7! questionable players, we’re on track for a playoff spot and may even push Brian for the bye. The anomaly in my ranking is the #8 roster ranking. Not sure what’s happening here, might be due to all those injuries.

- Sam and Joe have been surging, and they’re in the #4 and #5 spots respectively. Godwin and Murray continue their breakout seasons for Sam, and Diggs finally had a big day for Joe.

- Harrisonburg had a terrible week this week and dropped two places to #6.

- Big Dick Nicks and TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL are sliding HAWRD. They’ve both lost 3 in a row and are #7 and #8 respectively.

- Blue Injury Tents took a tough loss, but get Saquon out of the tent this week and the 1,2 combo of Saquon and Dalvin is deadly.

- The Kings of Leon are still in the last place being ranked #10 in every category still except roster, which they are ranked #5. That has to give Nick some hope, but he’s got to get going fast if he hopes to make the playoffs.

T: Stay Together for The Kids – Kings of Leon

It's hard to wake up

When my team just fucking sucks

Joe Mixon’s awful

And so is Rodgers

It makes no sense at all

I’m hype for Golden Tate

I just might trade OBJ

What roster move could fix this team

I'd make it every day

Wish I had Golloday

Or a receiver who could

just score like Golden Tate

We’re not good

So at my photo shoot

Will you remember this skid

6 whole games I’ve lost

Fuck Mixon

Will Dissly hurts my heart

Guess Darren Fells can get the start

But Jared Cook just goes ham

when I don’t start him

It makes no sense at all

they practice every day

I do my job, so why can't they?

If only Dissly flopped

And only Nugent flopped

Then why did I still lose?

Wish I had Golloday

Or a receiver who could

score like Golden Tate

We’re not good

So at my photo shoot

Will you remember this skid

6 whole games I’ve lost

Fuck Mixon

Wish I had Golloday

Or a receiver who could

score like Golden Tate

We’re not good

So at my photo shoot

Will you remember this skid

6 whole games I’ve lost

Fuck Mixon

Game of the Week

Lockett Rocket (5-1)

Minshew Mania (5-1)

Line: SHEW +10.9

Folks, sometimes my scheduling is just God level, this might just be one of those years. We’ve got two clear winners of the first half of the season, Brian and Jacob. Both sit 2 games ahead in their divisions at 5-1. They are 3rd and 2nd in the league in scoring, respectively, both averaging over 135 points a game. They each have 2 top ten backs (Ingram and Chubb for Brian, Fournette, and Zeke for Pat). Both also have a consistent answer at Tight End.

Brian will be hoping the continued emergence of Freeman can pair with the return of his WR scoring for what could ultimately be the deciding game in the 1 vs 2 seed race.

Meanwhile, Pat while be tinkering with the Lockett Rocket and running a new trio of WRs (at least I think the combo is new) to hopefully find the extra points he’ll need to top Brian.

With more on the Game of the Week, here’s Senior JPFL Correspondent, Brian McAvoy:

This week’s game of the week on tap is a top of the league, cross-divisional clash between the top two squads in the JPFL. Lockett Rocket enters the week as a double-digit favorite being led by a duo of top 5 RBs and Matty Ice. Minshew Mania, on the other hand, is popping bottles over the return of Tyreek Hill to the fold.

Hopkins and Hill will have to carry the squad this week with team keeper Nick Chubb on a bye and Jared Goff’s continued struggles. The bye week blues are affecting the Lockett Rockett as well with Evans and Juju on a bye. Although given how Juju’s season as gone so far, it’s probably for the best he’ll be home playing Fortnite this week.

Three of the top 5 TEs will be partaking in this game as well. UDFA sensation Philip Lindsey will take the field on TNF hoping to keep pace with Tyreek. There will be no MNF madness here as Zeke will be looking to close down the buffet on SNF against the Eagles.

Minshew Mania’s upset hopes rest on Jared Goff proving he’s worth $100m…

This game is being played in PRIME TIME BABY, feature your studs.

google: Deion Sanders nickname, if you don’t know who that is

Hunger Foul

Big Dick Nicks: 58.9 Bench Points

Incredibly low bench scoring week this week. Very low. The lowest ever since our last commissioner according to many great people. This is actually a tough one because Nick definitely could’ve pieced together a win with the Seattle D and Murray or Jones to the Flex over Goodwin. But overall, not the worst when you consider Sam left 21 points (net 15 if swapped for Dede) with Robby do you like my hair Anderson. The bench performance I really want to talk about belonged to Chuck. His bench went for 2.6 points in total. With only 2 byes. 7 total 0s, 2 1.3s… Just a gorgeous painting. I don’t know if anyone can pop a bench score like that with at least 2/3 more byes. As the injuries mount up Chuck is really going to have to flex the waivers to pull his team back together.

Waiver Move of the Week

Kings of Leon

Drop RB Giovani Bernard, Add WR Golden Tate

SCALE 1 to 10:

This is potentially a season-changing move for Nick here. I don’t expect we’ll see Tate going off for 20 points a game every week, but it shows he’s capable of it… and If A Rodg is back to form and Tate or SOMEONE can chip in those big contributions… Nick can make some noise putting out around that 120-mark every week moving forward. He’s only 2 games back of the playoffs with half of the season remaining. This shows how fickle the waiver wire is, as Gio Bernard was the prize pickup of week 1 when it looked as though Mixon could be banged up. Mark Andrews and Terry McLaurin were both week 1 waiver acquisitions this season but who would’ve known they were the better pickups… just another point in the FAAB waiver discussion. Still, Gio was able to turn into something of value with a big week from Tate… hopefully, it will result in a win for nick someday. And thus, Nick begins running his Bengals RBs out of town

Bad Luck of the Week

Kings of Leon

The Eagle Secondary

Is your WR1 having a rough season? Limited targets? Low receptions? No tuddies? Well, we have just the thing for you! The Eagles secondary offers the nation's worst coverage all for the low low rate of just $25.5 Million a season!! I don’t know what the fuck happened Sunday but nobody could run with Stefon Diggs (that’s not true, I do know, Rasul Douglas )blew cover 4 and then cover 1… he’s an idiot, how do you get paid 100K to show up and remember like 5 responsibilities and you still can’t? Unfortunately for Nick, this resulted in Diggs having his only good game this season. 40 points all at once.

Week 7 At A Glance

Lockett Rocket @ Minshew Mania +10.9

Who will reign supreme in a meeting between two apex predators:

Call Me Big Popp-ah (3-3) @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL (3-3) +3.3

Kyler Murray has the defending champion back to even while Chuck has fallen from top of the league to the ground floor.

TETRAHYDRO is staring down that bleak, dark basement of a losing record largely due to his ragtag receivers who have been left out to dry by AB’s descent into madness.

Mahomes has been human lately but is a sure bet to turn it around while Le’Veon and Kittle are beginning to show their worth as high round selections. Howard and Rolls Royce Freeman are solid contributors but Chuck will need to conjure up starting caliber WR’s in a hurry.

Sam gets Marlon Mack back from his bye just in time, as Kamara looks highly questionable with an ankle sprain. Adams still is dealing with turf toe and with Godwin on a bye, what should have been Sam’s strong spot has some holes. Dede Westbrook was brought in to fill the void and now he is questionable. The Big-Poppah’s are encroaching on Blue Injury Tents claim to fame here.

Chuck’s team sparked up the matchup in his own backyard of Colorado with Mahomes and former JPFL first-round selection Royce Freeman facing off in Mile High last night. The entirety of Sam’s team plays at 1pm (outside of 2 Saints) so he’ll have to make his one-shot count or he could end up alongside Pat on the NE bandwagon Monday night in hoping Le’Veon gets shut down.

Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 (3-3) @ Blue Injury Tents (2-4) -10.5

The Space Pirates are back to .500 after continuing to ride Tom Brady and the Patriots’ D… (DST that is) to success.

Josh Gordon has been sent to the pine with injury but the NE contingent continues to grow for the Space Pirates with the addition of old man Ben Watson. David Johnson entered the chat for this season with a 20+ point performance vs the Falcons and Pat must be encouraged as he seemed to be questioning his choice early in the season. The big story for the Blue Injury Tents is the answering of many prayers incarnated in the form of Penn State alum and current NY Giants RB Saquon Barkley.

Team owner Thomas Simmons is salivating at the thought of Saquon running roughshod all over the pathetic Cards’ defense. Excellent QBs and top-performing RBs will keep things even at the top of the rosters leaving WR/TE as the spots to swing the fight. Amari Cooper missed practice today which could leave PBut scrambling to the wire as fellow WRs Gordon and Hollywood Brown are also questionable with Landry on bye this week.

The Injury Tents will continue to rely on its big-time FA signings in McLaurin and Chark while hoping Cooks can bounce back vs a terrible Atlanta secondary. MNF is going to be the proving ground this week with 4 participants facing off against the Jets. If Sony Michel can steal away the TDs the Space Pirates may fall back below .500.

Big Dick Nicks (2-4) @ Genderfluid Nonbinary (3-3) -2.3

The closest contest of the week will be missing arguably the two most integral players for these teams. Run CMC is taking a much-deserved break from being the league MVP

while the bye couldn’t have come at a more opportune time for James Conner who left SNF early with an injury

Big Dick Nicks have had some big-time performances this season but have been unable to perform for 2/3rds of the season. Watson vs Lamar is the highlight of the game as a 30+ point performance could set their team up for a big-time win. Carson will look to keep rumbling

T: I feel so bad for any of you who didn’t grow up on Sundays with Chris Berman and his Boomerisms (not a boomer joke, that’s his nickname)

vs the Ravens while Josh Jacobs returns from London and a bye week to anchor the backfield for the Nonbinaries. Inconsistent WR cores for both sides exemplify the volatility in the team’s performances so far. Diggs, Keenan Allen, Woods, and Fuller have all had massive games mixed in with complete letdowns. Whoever shows up will bring home the W.

Harrisonburg 21-16 @ Kings of Leon +29.2

The circumstances surrounding these two teams could not be any more different.

Harrisonburg 21-16 comes in at .500 with a talented roster while Kings of Leon owner Nick Leon has taken to voicing his frustration with high draft choices, Aaron Rodgers and Joe Mixon, in the press. Multiple comments a week to JPFL Dick Ragdahl illustrate his displeasure with his squad and Nick has put up OBJ on the trade block to see if he can turn this team’s fortunes around.

There are strong rumors of interest around the league for the star/diva WR who is currently off this week. TY Hilton, coming off a bye of his own, will step into the starting lineup alongside Seahawk Tyler Lockett and former Seahawk Golden Tate. The QB duel could come down to who has any healthy bodies out there as Dak is expected to be missing Amari Cooper and Randall Cobb while Mr. State Farm will likely be without Davante Adams, MVS, and Geronimo Allison who all failed to practice on Thursday.

Todd Gurley and Malcolm Brown are questionable for Jacob’s backfield as well although Jacob should have enough in this one as he enters a 29 point favorite as Nick will attempt to replicate the success of his past DST pickup ( Carolina who is on a bye this week) when he scouts out the wire this weekend. The Kings of Leon’s best chance at an upset is Tevin Coleman beating up on the Redskins and the Lockett/Hilton duo to have the blow-up games they’re capable of.

Well, that does it for the first half of our 2019 regular season. Goes by quick, don’t it? You have 3 more cross-divisional games and 4 more divisional matchups… make the most of them.

In 3/4 weeks we’ll be bringing you playoff updates so you know what scenarios to root for and against.

Work that waiver wire.

Make those trades.

Dick Ragdahl is always available to work the press.

Have a fun weekend.