Week 8 - The Stretch Run Begins
- Thomas
- Oct 26, 2019
- 6 min read
"I know we need to run the ball more. I'm not an idiot. I never go into a game saying, 'I want to throw the ball 54 times.' I'd love to go into a game saying, 'I'd like to run the ball 54 times,' but that hasn't happened."
– Matt Nagy, on not being an idiot
Sounds even better:
Sorry that this was late again, unfortunately, unlike last week it might not be as good. I dunno. Gifs take time to find and I don’t have time so this week… Welcome to (very bad and loose) long-form journalism.
This is the busiest time of the year in sports. Those of you with good memories and an incredibly strong sense of time might recall that this time of the year is when I usually have some blurb about the #SPORTSEQUINOX. The special day or two of the year where all four major American professional sports are in action: NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL. Unfortunately, this year, because baseball is so miserable in the ratings (more on that later)… they won't’ go up against the NFL unless they have to, therefore, our only potential sports equinox of 2019 is THIS SUNDAY, October 27th, 2019.
As much as I’m bummed we don’t get a handful of weekdays to enjoy the equinox, and I’m bummed that college football doesn’t get to be a part of things… I’m willing to trade that all for sports equinox falling on a football Sunday. Unfortunately, as the prophecy foretold, this year is a down NFL year for Thomas and a good NCAA year… Usually when your fantasy team sucks you get to fall back on the good old eagles or vice versa but no, this year the NFL is dead to me. But to those of you who will get to bask in the glory, I’m jealous.
The NFL gets the 1:00 PM slate to itself, then the NHL and NBA start to creep in at 3:00 PM and (assuming the Astros can win a fucking game) the World Series will cap things off at 8:00 PM.
Getting back to those baseball ratings:
a couple of things to take away from this:
Washington D.C. = absolute garbage sports town. This gets DC people butt hurt because DC people do in fact like sports, the problem is though, none of them like DC sports… no one likes DC sports. So when DC makes a title run we get 1) half as much viewership 2) A lot of yuppies at parades with recently purchased jerseys
Baseball is dying, inside the industry we officially label baseball as “fading/out” with the 24-45 demographic. When your consumer age gets older, that’s a bad thing. You want it to stagnate if possible, maybe fluctuate a bit… but never age. That means your product is likely going to die off along with the people consuming it… Baseball turns its nose up at anyone who doesn’t find it fun… so the kids are watching the NBA, which is 100x times more engaging
Imagine running this business, with a shrinking market share and a consumer base that is dying off and saying “we shouldn’t change anything”
Anyways…
Writing this note when my team sucks is not an easy motivation either. It’s like having to write your Mom’s obituary, you're like, yeah I’m just not gonna deal with those emotions right now… and then you go get high and watch college football.
Here are you playoff odds, courtesy of Fantasy Pros
Looks like Nick Leon and I could be playing a potential elimination game this week with Joe and Sam both picking up wins last week. Joe could do wonders for his playoff odds with a win this week considering Sam is taking on PLo… If Lockett shows up looking like he did last week though, we’ll suddenly have a new leader in the Friday Song. Hey Pat, remember last week when I said the only thing that could make your playoff odds feel uncomfortable was a 3 game losing streak…
Over in the loser division, I mean the Coxford division, Brian has just one clear cut challenger for the division trophy-a “gorgeous” facebook comment- and that’s PBut. Jacob, Chuck, and Nick will Duke it out for a Wildcard berth unless they muck too much and open the door for the winner of Nick and I this week.
Oh well,
What fucking week is it?!?!:
I’m terrified.
A brief little history (because that’s what CFB has that the NFL doesn’t, fun tradition), the Big Ten is the rivalry trophy contest. We have a million of them and somehow they all work. And then Penn State joined the conference and they said: “you need some trophy games bruh!” So they closed their eyes and picked Minnesota (the Governor’s Bell) and Michigan State to be our rivals. OBVIOUSLY, The tie between PSU and MSU is that they’re both Land grant schools. I mean DUH! Who doesn’t just think that right off the top of their heads when they hear those two schools' names. “Awesome you both have state in your name you are now mortal enemies,” and so they set out to make a trophy. But, what do you even make a trophy out of? Mahogany Scrap wood, that’s fucking what! So, they grabbed the leftovers from a cabinet, a few leftover pieces of crown molding, a blindfold and quickly threw together a base for the trophy. But a nice shiny cup was too expensive… and too mainstream, we wanted something symbolic, to represent these schools… but we were lazy as fuck so we just took a picture of each campus, slapped it on that puppy along with a miniature version of our mascot statues and BOOM, BABY! A prize fit for a king!
Anyways, we haven’t beaten Michigan State at Michigan State since 2009, wow that’s before we even went to college! And the last two seasons, when were 2 touchdown favorites, and it rained, we lost. NICE! One of those years we even had a fun 3.5 hours LIGHTENING FUCKING DELAY. This is especially helpful when your star freshman defensive lineman has lightening issues because his brother died from lightning back in the 3rd grade. But hey, you just gotta handle the totally regular, normal, nonconspiring circumstances that Satan throws your way, amirite? We’re gonna fucking lose.
Its gonna rain, Brian Lewerke is gonna throw for 25 yards and rush for 260, but his longest rush will be 5 yards, and we lose 15 to 9.5, typical.
Moving on, time for the meme... only the dankest... it's a big load this week
Without further ado.
Week 7 Review
The games happened.
I have no time for deep analysis but I did find this fun fact:
Half of us won, Half of us lost
Woah. Coincidence or Conspiracy?
Power Rankings
*updated as of 10/26/19 3:15 PM
Something, something stagnation… look I dunno. Pat Butler is the numbers guy and he is in Mexico right now. I’m not gonna make him do the power rankings because the internet there only works in Spanish, as you all know.
Besides, this is what you came for:
Happy Holidays You Bastard – Kings of Leon
Beat Jacob's team and I've only got two fucking wins now
Beat Jacob's team and I've only got two fucking wins now
And I hate, Joe Mixon’s guts
I hate, Joe Mixon’s guts
And I'll never win a game again
Unless my quarterback goes off
I'll never win a game again
Unless my running backs get blocks
I'll never win a game again
Traded Odell for a flop
I'll never win a game again
I'll never win a game again
It's just week 8 and my QB just scored 5 fucking touchdowns
It's just week 8 and my QB just scored 5 fucking touchdowns
he ain't shit shit shit the bed
He's alway's fucking shittin the bed
And I'll never win a game again
Unless my quarterback goes off
I'll never win a game again
Unless my running backs get blocks
I'll never win a game again
Traded Odell for a flop
I'll never win a game again
I'll never win a game again
Hunger Foul
Chuck, Nick B, Joe, Sam, Pat L
5 sub-100 performances!?!?! None of you were hungry enough last week…
Waiver Move of the Week
Kings of Leon
Drop Panthers D/ST, Add Rams D/ST
SCALE 1 to 10:
This move won Nick the game. Those 24 points went a long way towards claiming a win over one of 5 teams who had their shit together last week. Nick was also active in making a trade, trying to give Charlie a run for his money for owner of the year.
(That’s my “run for your money” gif… I dunno)
Bad Luck of the Week
The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9
The Lyin’ Ass Cardinals
I could summarize what happened, but I’ll leave it to the experts:
Also, Marvin Jones fucked me but who cares.
So, here’s the deal. Brian did good updates and I don’t wanna just post his shit without its full gifified glory. So you’re getting an LM Note part 2 tomorrow, it’ll be a fun one, in celebration of our big day in sports.
Enjoy your Halloweekend. Drunk me says hi in a few hours 😉
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