Week 9 - Happy Halloween

“I’m seeing ghosts”

– Sam Darnold

The coolest thing about sports is the narrative. It was kind of poetic this weekend as the stars aligned and on sports Equinox Saturday of all days we say heaven and earth move to form a rare Simmons sweep.

CFB 3-0, which involved an FSU blowout… which we really needed, haven’t had a good old fashion FSU blowout in ages. It’s the best tradition, shitting on the ACC basketball schools who get caught having to play football for a few months. This was a nice relaxing shit stomp. Feels good. Like the old days.

Then Penn State was like “oh you idiots we got this figured out” and then we all took a deep breath and then Sean Clifford was like “SIKE, boi!”

Oh well, wins are wins, the native Americans had a term for hanging 28 points on the Spartans on the road in a monsoon: “success.”

Navy though. Them boys was exciting. Up 24-0 then all the sudden tied 38-38 with a minute to go… all setting up this, from 48 yards

I always say anything over 40 yards is sketch for the average college kicker. Drop that to 30 when we talk Navy, they ain’t never had a good kicker… until now.

The magic was real yall.

Didn’t just stop there. The Sixers won, the “maybe good, probably bad” Flyers found another W. Even the fookin Eagles became watchable again… I mean that Dallas game was the first time in years I had ever just flat out turned a game off. You knew in minutes that one was gonna be bad for the mental health.

Oh well, gotta watch the team even when they suck. But turns out they don’t suck, the AFC East does.

Anyways, here are the meme’s you seek:

Here are the latest projected standings courtesy of Fantasy Pros.

As you can see, the field is pretty much set. If you’re in that top 6 right now and miss out you’re a failure… pill, meet esophagus.

Our other model has a similar outlook:

Pat L – 99.69%

Brian – 99.52%

Pat B – 95.92%

Joe – 91.56%

Jacob – 72.2%

Sam – 70.08%

Nick L – 29.24%

Chuck – 20.60%

Nick B – 16.36%

Thomas – 9.68%

And so Nick and I can complain, here’s who has and hasn’t been fucked by scheduling… Joe and Charlie, you won’t be able to hide with those +15%s in the playoffs.

Without further ado.

Week 8 Review

Call Me Big Popp-ah 126.4 @ The Lockett Rocket 131

Sam tried to put up a good fight, but Pat is a crushing force:

Harrisonburg 21-16 120.2 @ Minshew Mania 119.1

The entire story of this game boils down to Jacob started Teddy B even though he wasn’t playing and Brian had enough bad luck shake out in start/sit decisions to still lose.

Jacob said, “fuck it! I’ll do it the hard way”:

Blue Injury Tent 126.4 @ Kings of Leon (2-5) 131

126.4 should have been enough to win this game. Mark my words, it’s probably enough to beat the rest of us bottom four-ers most weeks from here on out… but not the one week of his entire miserable life that Tevin Coleman lifts this team with 4 touchdowns like wtf. I can’t tell you the number of outlier weeks I’ve lost to. Chalk this up as another. I mean Nick started fucking Ty Johnson last week (no offense, just shows how thin the pickens are) and Tevin Coleman had to go do a thing. A, not even a casual thing! Just do a casual 2 tuddy day!! Then he went for 4.6 points the week after… WHERE WAS THAT LAST WEEKEND!?!

Fuck Tevin Coleman

TETRHYDRO CHUCKABINOL 100.8 @ Genderfluid Nonbinary 126.2

New QB, same problems, Chuck is still looking for the rest of the roster to do something:

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 157 @ Big Dick Nicks 125.8

Last time these two teams met, both owners were definitely still drunk, now, its just Pat:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/31 5:00 PM

Pat has finally returned from Mexico, meaning his computer’s keyboard can now type in English again, as you all know. So, he’s diving back into the power rankings to give you his insights and analysis.

SYMMETRY!!! I love it, fam. The standings in each division are identical with everyone one win away from the team above/below them. I don’t think that’s ever happened before. It also makes for pretty clear cut power rankings. With that said, here are my power ranking notes from week 7.

- The parallel slides of both TETRAHYDRO CHUCABINOL and the Big Dick Nicks are quite the story this season. While they both started 3-0 and have lost 5(!) straight, they are clearly two different teams. Chuck has now taken Nick L’s old spot of being ranked last in every category except 1, but Nick B has just been really unlucky. Despite having the #1 QB and RB, Nick has had a combination of bad luck (most points against) and the rest of his team letting him down in spots. Look for The Big Dick Nicks to bounce back this season while Charlie will probably continue his slide.

- Holy shit. THE #1 TEAM IN OUR POWER RANKINGS LOST TO A TEAM WITHOUT A QB. Wow, I mean just wow. And Minshew Mania nearly pulled out the win as well, losing by a point. Brian’s team may be showing some vulnerabilities at the RB spot, but it really looks like he got caught in a bad spot with Ingram on a bye, and Edmonds and Chubb playing great run Ds. Jacob is honestly lucky he won one this one and should pay more attention next time. With the win though, Jacob stays solidly ranked at #6. In fact, our entire top 7 teams remained in the same spots this week.

- Genderfluid quietly had a great second half to the first half of the season, picking up 3 out of 4 wins. However, Joe’s team is ranked in the bottom half in most categories, so he’s a candidate to slide in the second half.

- The Kings of Leon are #8! Finally not being ranked last for as long as I can remember. The acquisition of Coleman has been great, but he was terrible last night. Nick will need Rodgers to keep performing at MVP levels for his team to even think about the playoffs.

- Thomas’s team lost this week, but went up in the rankings anyway; probably due to the brilliant re-branding. Daddy Loves You is now almost completely out of the Blue Injury Tent and will be looking for a second-half comeback with the 5th ranked roster in the league.

- Lockett Rocket had another impressive outing with his boom or bust WRs booming last week. Patrick’s team is dangerous but also seems to have a low floor with his team’s bust potential.

- My team, the Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates, paced the league in scoring again this week and continue my lead on points for the season. I also now have the best overall win record. I personally think that my team should be 1 or 2 on this list, but battles with both of the current #1 and #2 teams are coming up so we’ll let the talking happen on the field. My team’s biggest weakness is lack of RB depth. DJ seems day to day and should be back soon, but if he aggravates the injury or comes back to an RBBC, my team may be in trouble and be forced to trade for a flex/starting RB.

Thanks, Pat!

Alright, so last Friday I needed to fill like 5 minutes of air so I came up with this idea where we take ACC teams and pick Halloween costumes for them. The results were very fun so, I’ve decided to try it out with our league.

Hit the lights

Cue the music

Let’s Roll

Brian:

Xenu

Pretty easy analogy here, I mean… Xenu, as you all know, is the dictator of the "Galactic Confederacy" who 75 million years ago brought billions of his people to Earth (then known as "Teegeeack") in DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them with hydrogen bombs. In a similar fashion, Brian has run rampant through the league, owning the top stop in the power rankings week in and week out. But the connections don’t stop there. Brian has lost exactly twice this season. Both times have followed him gaining separation in the S Tier, or God Tier, of the power rankings. Every time Brian tries to become a god, he takes a loss…. And every time someone tries to make Xenu a religion, they take a loss (in terms of social status). Eerie bruh, eerie. Brian is the alien dictator who’s cum is the life force of this league, there is just no way around it.

Pat L:

The Jim Kelly Buffalo Bills

Destined for second.

Pat B:

Patriots fan born after 1990

Everyone knows that there are 2 kinds of patriots fans, those who were born before 1990 and therefore possess a deep knowledge and understanding of pain and misery. And those who were born after 1990 and haven’t had their fanhood tested yet. It’s long been a talked about point in and around the Patriots fanbase, because older Patriots fans hated the notion that they just always won. It was a fair defense on their point, they said: “Hey, listen, you’re right, our kids do not know the pain of football, but me, personally, I know what it is like to have the first pick every year.” It's true though, from 1960 to 1980 the Patriots had just 2 winning seasons, that’s kill yourself level suck. Keeping the stoke, tuning in week after week to that is fandom. Since 2000 (the earliest possible year anyone born 1990 or later could actually comprehend the pain of football), the Patriots have not had one single losing season… untested.

Patriots fans born after 1990 will argue this notion. “but remember that 1 year when our starter got hurt week 4 and we missed the playoffs!!! That was tough!” Remember those 5 years we kept making the AFC Championship and shit, we just didn’t win the Super Bowl?? That was SOOOOOO HARD! You have no idea what it's like to not know if you’re ever going to win back to back super bowls again” It's their way of trying to convince themselves that they already do know what it's like so suck, so they’ll be able to handle it when it happens. They’re untested. They don’t know losing without hope of winning. They don’t know what it's like to lose and ask the question “will we ever be able to fix this? Is life pointless?” When the Patriots stumble, it's just that, every fan knows that the bad times won’t last, they never do. Everything will be alright because it always is. There’s a difference between “having more doubt than ever” and “feeling doubt to the core.” They are untested.

Just like this Patriots team. 8 weeks of high school football teams, and the one good unit along the way, the Buffalo D, actually had success. Now the schedule switches from teams and QBs that press then panic button as their first option, to nasty defenses and competent signal-callers. Gone is the era of the freebie interception return touchdown caused by a ghost. Now comes the dawn of the era of QBs who casually make top 10 SportsCenter plays while getting their eye poked out and doing a 360 spin.

Since Pat’s team is the Patriots, he also must face this test. His team has certainly faced tough fantasy competition… but it hasn’t faced adversity to its Patriots core of players. Will Brady, Edelman, and the Pats D continue to be the engine behind the league’s top-scoring team or will they fail the test?

Sam:

Mack Brown

A legend in the game who used to be one of the best. Pieced together some of the most memorable seasons in the league’s history, but then people started to doubt if he’d lost it. The game has passed him by, he’s just too out of touch. He won in the past but can’t adapt to the modern game… but maybe now he’s BACK! Either way, he has his squad sitting at a funky 4-4, squarely in the mix of things for the division.

Joe: Joe, listen, I had the most hilarious costume idea ever for this one, but then I realized, its wrong of me to project my costume onto you. I don’t want to assume your gender and then also assume what that assumed gender assumedly wants to go as for Halloween.

Jacob:

The ACC Coastal

I don’t understand how Jacob’s team works. Some weeks it’s amazing, Some weeks it goes for 80. Jacob has lost while scoring 132.6 and 133 this year, he’s also won by scoring 108.1 and also without starting a legitimate QB. Some weeks you say, “yeah, that team could win the league” other weeks you say “Jacob might fuck around and join the consolation ladder.” Either way, it’s like he’s been destined to end up here at 4-4, just like the ACC Coastal is destined for a 7-way tie at 4-4.

Nick B:

A Cocktease

The Big Dick Nicks had everyone fully erect following that week one 200-point scoregasm. Nick’s team showed him so much promise early on, every single aspect left more and more hope for a big season. Each position offering something better than the last. “I can show you the world,” Nick’s team softly sung into his ear.

The words flowed like honey, tapped from the eternal hive of the glorious fantasy promised land. Nick thought he was gonna have so much fun with this team and we were all so jealous. That’s all it was, a tease. The Big Dicks got teased hard and now they're left with just some blue balls. It’s the worst, Nick. You finally cave and start looking ahead and throwing W's up on the board left and right. The possibilities are endless, all the different ways you’ll score, all the fun morning waking up and basking in the glory of another win bagged. All stripped away so suddenly. Welcome to 2 and 6, Daddy loves you.

Thomas:

The Plague

I’ll admit, post-Halloween and official in the direst of straits at 2-6, my team has entered its rebrand era. But you all know damn well this is what my team has been this year. It started with the drafting of AJ Green. That’s where the curse originates, or at least that’s my theory. If murder cases have a smoking gun then mysteries of curses having opened mummy sarcophaguses from which foul omens spew and the selection of injured Adriel Jeremiah Green in the 8th round is my King Tut’s Tomb. How fitting would it be if I can somehow ride him into the promised land? The promised Pharoah that was. Anyways, the curse of Adriel Jeremiah Green spread week by first. First just my roster, with Drew Brees losing his thumb, the Eagles training staff accidentally breaking all of the (good) wide receivers, David Njoku getting a concussion and broken wrist on the same play and costing me a game against Sam in week 2. Week 3 the curse of the mummy went full-blown. Sweeping across the land and taking my firstborn, Saquon Barkley.

The curse would only continue from there, claiming player after player, week after week. Chris Herdon even pulled a hammy literally minutes after I picked him up from the waivers. Eventually, the carnage would spread to other teams. As Green emerges from his tomb in the IR, he has brought forth a new power, a cleansing power, that has healed my team. But the curse of Adriel Jeremiah remains out there, lurking in the shadows. We must chase down this evil at all costs. Scour every corner of the earth to make sure it is cleansed from our lands. Until then, Pharoah Green and the undead mummy army shall not rest!

Chuck:

A Trip

You guys all know what it likes. It’s that quick fuse, the shaky first few minutes followed by the absolute rocket ride to the top of the mountain. You chill for a bit, soak up the view, come to some grandiose life conclusions, and then enjoy your slow soft journey back down the other side of the mountain. So far chuck’s journey back down has lasted 5 games. At this point, I probably recommend microdosing (oh shit, Butler’s ears just perked up). Perhaps the eventual return of Mahomes can be the tab of acid Chuck’s roster needs to access the higher plane it was playing on earlier this season.

Nick L:

Tool

Really great that one time a while back, totally written off, maybe making a comeback? (realized after I wrote this whole song that I could’ve done MCR or RATM, oh well)

The Pot – Blink 182

Who are you to score four touchdowns?

You must have been out your head

Aaron Rodgers going off

He practically raised from dead

Rob the trade to get a tight end

Then burn the evidence down

Soapbox, team of cards, and glass

So don't go tossin' your stones around

You must have been high

You must have been

Foot in mouth, and head up ass

So what you talkin' 'bout?

I’ll just have to start Ty Johnson

Till you pull it out, Joe

You must have been so high

Steal, borrow, waiver

Trade your Shady carry splits

Kangaroo done benched Joe Mixon, Tate, and J Brissett

Now you're winning fucking two games in a row

Got running backs all on the bye

When you all made fun of my good roster

You must have been high, high

Who are you to score four touchdowns?

So full of it

Aaron Rodgers going off

Fucking hypocrite

Silva, Berry, Field Yates show me

Who will play the best?

Kangaroo done benched Joe Mixon with the innocent

Now you're winning fucking two games in a row

Got running backs all on the bye

When you all made fun of my good roster

You must have been

So, Who are you to score four touchdowns?

Who are you to score four damn touchdowns for me?

You must have been out your mind

Winning fucking two games in a row

Might have saved my season

Winning fucking two games in a row

Silva, Berry, Field Yates show me

Who will play the best?

Joe Mixon be stoned

He's shitty and a wasted pick

Now you're winning fucking two games in a row

Got running backs all on the bye, bye

When you all made fun of my good roster

You must have been high, high, high, high

Footballs deep in bloody waters

You're balls deep in muddy waters

Ganja? Please!

You must have been out your mind

Whew, ok that was cool. I was going to do patron saints for your teams because of all saints day but I have no time so that will have to wait until next week.

Game of the Week

Minshew Mania (6-2)

Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates (5-3)

Game Line: Cuck -5.2

We now bring in Lead JPFL Analyst, Brian McAvoy, for his unbiased insight on the game of the week.

The primer matchup of the week is a battle for 1st place in the Gary Coxford division between Minshew Mania and the Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates. These teams are coming into this contest in a completely different form. Minshew Mania fell from their perch at the top of the league due to an admitted embarrassing narrow defeat to Harrisonburg 21-16. While Minshew Mania team owner, Brian McAvoy, did leave a lot of points on the bench, Mania fell to a team whose starting QB’s sole actions of the game were kneel-downs. Team owner Brian McAvoy had this to say when asked about the loss, “Quite frankly it’s embarrassing. When you are supposedly a top team, you have to play like a top team. Losing to a QB-less team is shameful and the coaching staff/players will need to take a long hard look at themselves.”

The Space Pirates are ready to commandeer this division behind the might and savvy of the New England Patriots and TD Machine Aaron, Jones. Those Patriots get a tough matchup on the road in Baltimore although this DST is always a threat for 20+ points. The return of Amari Cooper and the possible appearance of Adam Thelien will make the Space Pirates all the more comfortable.

If Minshew Mania wants to keep the division lead they’ll need to make important lineup decisions that failing to do so as cost them in recent weeks. Texans WR DeAndre Hopkins and TE Darren Fells start things nice and early in London. Hopkins and fellow superstar WR Tyreek Hill will need to provide trademark games for Mania to pull off the upset. Which Jameis shows up is always a storyline and will likely make or break the week for the former league leaders. The Space Pirates get the final volley with 3 patriots on SNF and Amari Cooper taking on the G-MEN on MNF.

This game is being played in primetime on Sunday Night Football, so Pat has to watch it during the Patriots game.

Hunger Foul

Minshew Mania:

89.6 Bench Points

Always rough to take this home in a close game. Brian had 8 different roster moves (and technically their permutations, because the Flex exists) that could’ve won his game for him. It sucks when you can’t take advantage of something like what happened to Jacob’s team also. His starter was on the bye and his backup was ruled a real-life backup day of game. Usually, you feel pretty calm that you can chalk up the game as a W when you see a surefire 0 locked in at QB for the opposition.

Waiver Move of the Week

Harrisonburg 21-16

Drop K Matt Gay, Add QB Teddy Bridgewater

SCALE 1 to 10:

It ended up being entirely irrelevant because Jacob won, but this was an entire freebie move that still somehow didn’t work out. Wednesday morning, when the pickup was made, Brees wasn’t officially the starter, but he had come out and said, if I want to play I get to play and I think I want to play this weekend… Oh well. It all shook out in Jacob’s favor, none the less.

Bad Luck of the Week

Blue Injury Tent

Tevin Coleman 4 TDs

I’m not gonna go into it again but just look at some of these TDs

Week 9 At A Glance

Minshew Mania (6-2) @ The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 (5-3) -5.2

GOTDAMMIT I'M EXCITED FOR THIS ONE! I can feel it, in my plums:

Harrisonburg 21-16 (4-4) @ Call Me Big Popp-ah (4-4) +13

Two potential playoff squads hamstrung by the bye week crunch take the field both looking to move above .500. Defending Champ Sam will be without the services of Saints RB Alvin Kamara and WR Michael Thomas as well as Rams TE Gerald Everett. Jacob has quite a few byes of his own with Gurley, Kupp, and Julio Jones, and Tyler Boyd all off this week. While Sam looks likely to get Davante Adams back, Jacob has had to find his replacements anywhere he can get them. Drake, Walton, and Amendola are all seeing action this week and the ballsy move to start Drake on TNF vs the undefeated 49ers looks to have paid off.

Drake helped Jacob open up a 13-point lead by outscoring opposing RB Matt Brieda by 16 in his first start for Arizona. The defending champs will be praying big games from Godwin/Adams can turn the tide. Both owners will be left anxiously waiting until late Monday evening as Dak returns against the Giants on MNF.

Big Dick Nicks (2-6) @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL (3-5) +4.9

A game of fisticuffs is taking place at the bottom of the Gary Coxford division between Nick B. and Chuck. It’ll be a tight one as Big Dick Nicks have one last shot at the playoffs you’d have to think. Will it be a wild miss or a glorious money shot? If TETRAHYRDO has anything to say about it the Big Dick Nicks will be too blazed to do any quality shooting.

Gardner Minshew and Leveon Bell will need to prove quite potent if they want to capitalize on the lead granted by Kittle on TNF. Big Dick Nicks, on the other hand, will continue to windmill over having the privilege of owning CMC and Watson this year who have been left stranded by the poor effort of the majority of their teammates. The good news for all involved in this battle gets started early with a QB duel in England and ends early on as there are no SNF/MNF participants. This one is a quickie.

Kings of Leon (3-5) @ Lockett Rocket (6-2)

Rodgers getting back to an MVP level and a surprisingly decent performance from Mixon helped the Kings of Leon walk away with an encouraging win last weekend. However, the injury curse was officially lifted from the Blue Injury Tents as they emerged rebranded as ‘Daddy Loves You’ but seems to have settled with the Kings of Leon. Nick suffered yet another injury blow losing TY Hilton for 3-4 weeks a week after losing Kerryon Johnson for the season. No Hilton combined with Mixon and Ridley on a bye makes things look pretty grim for the underdog here.

Meanwhile, the Lockett Rocket is bursting through the stratosphere hoping to gain sole possession of first place in the league. The top class RB duo of Fournette and Zeke gives a talented WR group the platform to really get to the next level in terms of scoring. Solid contributors at QB, TE, and DST make this team a title favorite. Zeke gets a primetime opportunity to drive the knife into Nick’s heart on MNF unless Rodgers works his magic in LA on Sunday afternoon.

Genderfluid Nonbinary (4-4) @ Daddy Loves You (2-6)

Team owner and Commish Thomas Simmons have initiated the second rebranding of the year. A perfect storm of the injury curse spreading to Kings of Leon and Russell Wilson calling himself Daddy on Twitter provides an opportune time for Thomas to cash in on the name change boost once again. A favorite over the Nonbinaries despite being 3 wins back is an encouraging sign for the struggling squad. The new team name, Saquon’s healthy return and AJ Green showing up after the bye may be the catalyst for a late-season run.

Joe is dealing with a banged-up WR and looks unlikely to have James Conner at RB as he was declared doubtful this afternoon. Provided Jacobs can go, rookie Devin Singletary who is taking on the Redskins (which always helps) will join him. Blowup games from Diggs and Kelce seem to be Joe’s easiest path to an upset although help from MG3 and Lamar Jackson wouldn’t go amiss. The outcome will remain in the balance until MNF as Joe’s Cowboys DST goes head to head with Saquon.