Week 13 - Playoffs?!
- Thomas (feat. PJ Lightning)
- Dec 1, 2019
- 4 min read
Short note this week. But its power-packed with lots of eyeball glazing scenarios for you to get lost in. Find out who you need to root against.
So, back in August, I signed this deal with HBO, giving them unprecedented, exclusive access to the JPFL. They’ve been filming everything… I mean EVERYTHING. Cameras everywhere, hidden under toilet seats, all kind of next level, future tech shit! We even have cameras inside of some of you! Right now! Embedded in your eyeballs! How neat. Anyways, here is some early access footage of me addressing the Daddy Loves Yous this week:
I also had noted motivational speaker Ron Prince come to talk to the team as well, so I’m sure they’re fired up
If you’re not privy… Prince was just fired at Howard. A week ago he was placed on administrative leave because the team was looking into allegations of verbal abuse, the best example of which was following the season-opening 79-0 loss to Maryland when he accused the whole team of shaving points and said he was reporting them to the FBI. Then he told one player he was definitely going to federal prison for it.
If you see more fight of my team going into the postseason, you know why.
Put Penn State In The Rose Bowl
Without further ado.
Power Rankings
*updated as of 12/01 12:30 PM
Playoff Scenarios
Here's Pat Butler with your breakdown:
Alright fam, we’re finally here, last week of the regular season. I’m going to give y’all the breakdown on all the different scenarios for the playoffs:
OUT: To kick things off let’s just go ahead and mention the teams with no mathematical shot, Daddy Loves You and TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL have been eliminated with 9 and 8 losses respectively. In a quick moratorium, the injuries were too much for Thomas to overcome, even with 2 great RBs, and Pat Mahomes couldn’t carry Chuck after a quick start. In one of his more curious seasons, Chuck seemed to trade away and drop about half of his starting roster, with players like Kittle, Kirk, and Damien Williams helping teams with playoff shots.
LOCKED: Next, let’s swing around the other way and talk about those who are locked for the playoffs and get into their seeding scenarios as well:
Lockett Rocket:
Patrick has not only locked up a playoff spot, but also the top seed in his division. He has a 1 game lead on Joe, but beat him both times during the regular season and thus owns the tiebreakers. Patrick will only be playing for either the #1 or #2 seed this week. Patrick has the following scenarios:
- Locks #1 seed with:
- WIN and Minshew Mania LOSS
- Locks #2 seed with:
- Any other outcome
Minshew Mania:
Brian is currently sitting atop the Gary Coxford division with a tiebreak against Jacob on points (83.5 point margin), but could drop as low as #4. Here are Brian’s scenarios (assuming Jacob doesn’t make up the 83.5 point margin):
- Locks #1 seed with:
- WIN or
- LOSS and Lockett Rocket LOSS and Harrisonburg LOSS
- Locks #2 seed with:
- LOSS and Lockett Rocket WIN and Harrisonburg LOSS
- Locks #3 seed with:
- LOSS and Harrisonburg WIN and Genderfluid Nonbinary LOSS
- Locks #4 seed with:
- LOSS and Harrisonburg WIN and Genderfluid Nonbinary WIN
Harrisonburg IDGAFOS:
Jacob is tied at the top of the Gary Coxford division but trails Brian in points by 83.5, which he is very unlikely to make up. Here are his scenarios assuming he doesn’t make up that margin:
- Locks #1 seed with:
- WIN and Minshew Mania LOSS and Lockett Rocket LOSS
- Locks #2 seed with:
- WIN and Minshew Mania LOSS and Lockett Rocket WIN
- Locks #3 seed with:
- WIN and Minshew Mania WIN - LOSS and Minshew Mania WIN
Genderfluid Nonbinary:
Joe is sitting at second in the Friday Song division. Here are his scenarios:
- Locks #3 seed with:
- WIN and Harrisonburg LOSS
- Locks #4 seed with:
- WIN and Harrisonburg WIN
- LOSS and Big Poppah LOSS
- LOSS and Big Poppah WIN and Big Poppah scores less than 23.8 points more than Genderfluid
- Locks #5 seed with:
- LOSS and Big Poppah WIN and Big Poppah scores more than 23.8 points more than Genderfluid and Space Pirates LOSS
- Locks #6 seed with:
- LOSS and Big Poppah WIN and Big Poppah scores more than 23.8 points more than Genderfluid and Space Pirates WIN
That’s it for the locks! Here are where things get interesting.
The Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates, Kings of Leon and Big Dick Nicks will all be fighting for one playoff spot. Here are there scenarios (PS, there’s a potential for a 4-way tie folks!:
Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates:
Even though I’m sitting at 2nd in points scoring, I may miss the playoffs, fuck the fantasy gods. Here are my scenarios (assuming Sam won’t score 77.1 more points than me):
- Locks #5 seed with:
- WIN - LOSS and Big Poppah LOSS and Kings of Leon LOSS
- Locks #6 seed with:
- LOSS and Big Poppah LOSS and Kings of Leon WIN and Big Dick Nicks WIN and Big Dick Nicks score less than 43.8 than Space Pirates
- LOSS and Big Poppah LOSS and Kings of Leon WIN and Big Dick Nicks LOSS
- LOSS and Big Poppah WIN and Kings of Leon LOSS and Big Dick Nicks WIN and Big Dick Nicks score less than 43.8 than Space Pirates
- LOSS and Big Poppah WIN and Kings of Leon LOSS and Big Dick Nicks LOSS
Big Dick Nicks:
Nick has been unlucky scoring the 4th most points but having a losing record. Here are his scenarios:
- Locks #6 seed with:
- WIN and Space Pirates LOSS and Big Poppah WIN and Kings of Leon WIN
- WIN and Space Pirates LOSS and Big Poppah WIN and Kings of Leon LOSS and Big Dicks Nicks score more than 43.8 points than Space Pirates
Kings of Leon:
Despite being the second-lowest scoring team by a long shot, Nick’s team has a chance here is his singular scenario to get in:
- Locks #6 seed with:
- WIN and Space Pirates LOSS and Big Dick Nicks LOSS and Big Poppah WIN
In light of all of that, here are you playoff odds and projected standings
And the other model we use:
Pat L – 100% (68% -1, 32.2% - 2)
Brian – 100% (19.3% -1, 50.2% - 2, 30.4% -3)
Jacob – 100% (13.8% -1, 30.7% - 2, 55.4% - 3)
Joe – 100% (24.2% -3, 59% - 4, 16.8% -5)
Pat B – 90.2% (64.1% - 5, 26.1% -6)
Sam – 70.44% (25.9% - 5, 44.5% - 6)
Nick B – 28.8%
Nick L – 10.9%
Good luck and shit
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