Week 14 - Playoffs.

I've had a long morning because of Joel Klatt. I mean just seriously Put Penn State in the Rose Bowl you cowards. Wisconsin? Like really. You lose to Illinois and you exclude yourself from this discussion. UW has been getting rewarded, year after year, for being out West. They've been getting an extra game every season to potentially win the fucking conference that they have no business being in and no one has complained. But now, guess who is complaining... that's right, fucking Wisconsin. "Oh we shouldn't be punished for having to play a 13th game!!" Well suck a dick. You don't get to casually accept a head start in a race every year and then complain the one time it's held against you when things are close. The arbitrary divisions ending up in your favor.

Moving on, I see someone forgot to tell the Texans that wasn't actually the Super Bowl they won last week.

Also realized we should make the two teams on bye compete for the lowest score with an actual starting lineup from now on for like a $10 reward

END OF SEASON AWARDS:

We’ve got a few end-of-the-regular-season awards to hand out:

SEC Strength of Schedule Award

WINNER:

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9

I’m sure Pat has some big acceptance speech ready here about how he was screwed all season long or shit but let’s break down the sabermetrics here. Pat won this award by just 11 points over 2nd and 12 points over third. Really if you go look back at the season it 100% comes down to once the Patriots season got tough, Pat’s team started losing. Weeks 1 and 2 were unlucky losses but the entire season came down to weeks 9-13 and Pat going 1-4 over that stretch. In week 9, Pat learned what happens when your team isn’t the one getting an ungodly 20 points out of your defense. In week 11 Pat suffered from average QB output and was duped by DJ. This was compounded by him only keeping 3 backup RBs, two of which were on the same team. Week 12 was the icing on the cake as just 2 of Pat’s players went for double digits with only 1 player really living up to projections. So there’s the story of Pat’s slow demise

The Elvis Cup

WINNER:

The Lockett Rockett

Pat takes the first and only Elvis Cup by a game over Joe with his 9-4 record. Pat was able to sweep Joe in weeks 5 and 12. Pat only lost 1 divisional game, to me, in week 11. That aside he ran through the Friday Song unscathed.

“Gorgeous”

WINNER:

Harrisonburg 21-16

Despite a rocky 3-4 start to the season, Jacob somehow someway finds himself atop the Coxford division at the end of the regular season. We talk about winning out the back half of the season, winning those divisional rematches, and how it will always lock you into the playoffs. Jacob showed us that maybe the second half is all the matters if you’re .500 through the first 7. From week 8 on, Jacob rolled out consisted of 120 point performances and let everyone else fumbling around in trying to keep up. He won 6 straight games on his way to a division lead, a tie for the crab bowl and a first-round bye. As long as you don’t fuck up September, you can ALWAYS win your division Halloween through Thanksgiving.

The Blue Crab Bowl

WINNER:

The Lockett Rocket

This year’s Blue Crab Bowl was apparently played out back in week 3 of the season. Jacob met Plockett in a matchup that would ultimately determine the tiebreak between them. Both teams showed out in this one, with Jacob putting up 133… however, it was Mike Evan’s 41 points that put Pat over the top with a 173.2.

Get Buckets

WINNER:

The Lockett Rocket

Ok, this is getting redundant wtf.

UPCOMING AWARDS:

The Dennis Price MVP Award will go to the team with the player who scored the most points in the fantasy season.

The Bechelli Flex MVP will go to the team with a non-QB player who scored the most points in the fantasy season (since MVP is just gonna go to a [waiver added] QB every year for the rest of time)

Owner of the Year: We’re going to each nominate up to 2 people (since you’re all gonna probably nominate yourselves anyways) and eliminate our way down to 2 or 3 final choices from there which we will decide on as the season ends. Nominations are currently open below:

Owner of the year nominations

Games of the Week

Call Me Big Popp-ah (7-6)

Minshew Mania (8-5)

GAME LINE: Shew -10.5

Brian: It’s Wild Card Weekend in the JPFL and our first matchup pits two former JPFL champs head to head in a battle of squads heading in opposite directions in terms of momentum. These two teams got to this point in a widely different fashion. Minshew Mania was hot out of the gate led by Austin Ekeler going 4-0 in the first month while the back-to-back defending champs, Call Me Big Popp-ah limped out to a 1-3 start. The return of Melvin Gordon combined with poor trades and an injury to key TE Austin Hopper saw Mania lose 4 out of their last 6 games to close out the seasons.

Call Me Big Popp-ah rode out injuries to star players Alvin Kamara and Davante Adams playing near .500 ball and closed out with a 3 game win streak to clinch the playoffs upon their return. If one were to be superstitious, or just a little status, then Minshew Mania will love the “signs” the universe is laying out. Not only is Minshew Mania favored in the matchup by ESPN and Fantasy Pros, but based on the trend of Sam’s last 9 games of the season Mania will be feeling pretty good. The Big Popp-ah’s won 3 in a row Weeks 5-7, lost 3 in a row Weeks 8-10, then closed out with 3 wins in a row Weeks 11-13. If this trend were to continue this should be a loss for the Big Popp-ahs. However, astrology and signs from the universe are bullshit and this matchup will be decided on the gridiron by two talented, but inconsistent, squads.

The QB matchup is one to watch. While Kyler Murray and Jameis aren’t studs by any means they both possess high ceilings in offenses that like to air it out. They are not without risk however as Murray faces a tough matchup vs a turnover seeking Pitt Defense while Jameis is famous for his multi-turnover games. Call Me Big Popp-ah may receive Marlon Mack back this week from a broken hand. If not it will be an RB duo of Kamara and Brieda down in New Orleans for Sam in the 1 pm slate taking on Nick Chubb and Mark Ingram. Chubb and Ingram find themselves in the back end of the top 10 RBs on the season but cede a fair amount of work to their backfield mates.

Minshew Mania will be banking on the soft matchups to provide sufficient production despite the timeshares. Personally, the WR contest is what this matchup will boil down to. Call Me Big Popp-ah has top WR group in the league led by the insanely consistent #1 overall WR in Michael Thomas. MT combined with a healthy Davante Adams and Chris Godwin is downright terrifying for the opposition. Minshew Mania will be praying for it to be a big Mike Evans day at Godwin’s expense. Mania’s WR group has a ton of talent but has produced disappointing results so far and will need to step up if the team is to move on. OBJ was a midseason trade target based on his playoff schedule so now is the time to shine. Hopkins and Hill face tough matchups but only need a few big plays to produce. Doyle vs Hopper will be the tight end battle and should prove close. Mania will need to decide between Ekeler and Freeman in the flex while DK Metcalf attempted to provide big plays for Big Popp-ah. The defenses and kickers have good matchups but as we all know they can be hard to predict. Luckily, for all interested, this matchup is likely to be decided much faster than this preview, as there are no MNF participants and only DK Metcalf plays on SNF.

Big Dick Nicks (6-7)

Genderfluid Nonbinary (8-5)

GAME LINE: ??? -12

The Genderfluid Nonbinary rode an impressive 5 game win streak to finish 6-2 over their last 8 games to comfortably make the playoffs and avoid the late-season drama. The Big Dick Nicks were in an impressive form to force their way into the playoffs by putting up 155.9 to knock out The Planet Cuck 9 Space Pirates out of the playoffs by a mere 1.8 points. Big Dick Nick’s team owner Nick Butler released the following statement upon reaching the postseason, “Hide your kids. Hide your wife.” accompanied by a photo of himself with JPFL commish Thomas Simmons at his brother's wedding. The photo attachment should remind us all that a 200+ performance from the Nick’s team in a blowout win over Pat on his wedding weekend made this all possible. Space Pirates owner Pat Butler lamented post-MNF, “#3 scoring team missing the playoffs fuck my luck”. Despite the momentum from sneaking into the playoffs at the expense of the Space Pirates, the Big Dick Nicks find themselves a double-digit underdog against the Genderfluid Nonbinary.

Lamar Jackson has taken the NFL and the JPFL by storm leaving wreckage in his wake. His counterpart in this matchup is no slouch himself. Deshaun Watson just embarrassed the “historic” New England defense on primetime TV. These two QBs can win weeks on their own despite tough matchups in the early slate. David Montgomery got things off to a rough start in the RB department for the Big Dick Nicks with a meager 6.6 points in TNF win over the Cowboys. Fortunately for Nick B., he has the #1 RB in CMC who gets an Atlanta team he hit for 190+ yards two weeks ago to shoulder the load. Chris Carson has provided solid production even with Penny getting more work and will attempt to close things out on SNF. While CMC may be on the other sideline the Genderfluid Nonbinary have some workhorses of their own. Rookies Josh Jacobs and Devin Singletary have emerged as capable started in James Conner’s absence. MG3 hasn’t scored less than 10.4 since week 8 and gets a soft Jags run defense who will be without Myles Jack.

Both these squads feature WR trios that can win or lose you the week with their hit or miss performance. Big Dick Nick’s boys hit the big time last week to get him in the playoffs but will they be able to repeat? They just might have to with Travis Kelce suiting up at TE for the Nonbinary while Big Dick Nicks is likely without Greg Olsen and Witten featuring last night. Nick B will be scrambling to the wire for a starting TE this weekend. The defenses should cancel out with easy matchups respectively. The kicker is interesting as both owners have opted for the kicker on their QBs teams. Joe will be hoping to have built up a lead early as Carson and Woods are the sole primetime participants on SNF.

Consolation At A Glance

Here we are. Rock Bottom.

The place where no owners hope to be. The combatants in this lowly place find themselves here in a variety of ways; key injuries, poor drafts, underperforming stars, or just sheer bad luck. While all hope may be fading from their eyes there is still a light to strive for. Only one of these four will need to face the punishments of being the last-place finisher.

The previews for these matchups will be much shorter for one reason and one reason only. If you can put up a playoff-worthy performance in the regular season, you don’t deserve a playoff-worthy preview.

Kings of Leon (5-8) @ The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 (6-7)

Gary Coxford rep. The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 find themselves in head to head in a bottom 4 matchup. This situation would not earn a “gorgeous” FB comment.

Pat’s disappointment at missing the playoffs will take time to fade but he will need to be focused this week to beat Nick L. who has some big upsets on the season. I like what I’ve seen from Nick L this season. He’s been hitting the wire and making moves which should show improvement next season. The Kings of Leon are massive underdogs in this matchup largely due to a mediocre RB group after losing Damien Williams and Keyrron Johnson to injuries. Rodgers vs Brady would’ve been more interesting 5 years ago. Andrews vs Waller is a fun late-round TE matchup who have both ended up top 5. We have a Seattle faceoff between Lockett and Penny in the flex. A lot of garbage time points from Amari Copper has given P But a nice cushion. If Nick L is to get the upset he’ll need big-time performances from his WR crew who do all have soft matchups. There are no MNF participants in this matchup either so no waiting for an outcome here.

TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL (4-9) @ Daddy Loves You (3-10)

These two bottom feeders are left wondering where it all went wrong?

Chuck started 3-0 while scoring 126+ in each contest. He then proceeded to lose 8 out of the last 9 with his sole win being over P But. Pat’s team was the only team to fall to Chuck’s in nearly two and a half months of action. Pat’s season was sacrificed for his marriage. Chuck suffered from Mahomes being banged up, AB being a basketcase and players like Bell not preforming.

Thomas, on the other hand, suffered so many injuries earlier on it forced a rebranding. Finishing 3-10 with Dalvin Cook and Saquan Barkley takes some doing although Saquan has likely disappointed Thomas nearly as much as PSU’s season if not more so considering PSU could still get the Rose Bowl while the most Saquan can do is save Thomas from a photoshoot. Wilson, Cook, and Saquan should be enough to get past Mahomes and the ragtag supporting cast surrounding him, including Tony Pollard who started despite not being active IRL. It would take the Mahomes turning into the Mandolorian for Chuck to pull this one off.