Week 3 - R.I.P. Saquon

“Let Russ Cook” - Seahawks Twitter

Seahawks twitter is top 5 for a reason.

If you can remember last week in the NFL, here are some good memes

Now that we’re caught back up in the NFL let’s get caught up in the JPFL.

Playoff situation as we enter week 3…

All the best players on Thursday were on people’s benches. Let’s see if that trend continues today! Get AMPED!

Without further ado…

Week 2 Review

TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL 157.8 @ Genderfluid Nonbinary 106

Pat Mahomes got the best of Lamar Jackson. Darren Waller went off for chuck and Johnathan Taylor could be the RB steal of the year. Not gonna be a great day when your 3rd leading scorer is your kicker, Joe. Chuck now looks to start 3-0 for the second season in a row… and this time, avoid the consolation bracket.

For the second year in a row, Chuck sees his season off to a NICE start:

Minshew Mania 179.05 @ The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 160.85

Monster game here. Thursday night left Brian with like 60 some-odd points from his Browns trio. Then all of a sudden Aaron Jones gets all of his 2020 points in one week going off for 40 to put Pat right back in the Mix only to see Dak shoot off for 40 of his own. Cam Newton had a huge night but somehow 38.55 wasn’t enough and the cucks got cucked again.

This game was an all-time classic:

The Lockett Rocket 154.8 @ Harrisonburg 21-16 88

What a difference a year has made for Jacob. While the Lockett Rocket was humming (we’ll get to that) Jacob was *Joe Namath Voice* struggling (reference below for the uneducated). Travis Kelce was the lone bright spot and the leading scorer with 22. DeShaun Watson is wondering why the hell he signed an extension with the Texans and Bill Obrien who is suffering from NFL Brain (a syndrome which causes aggressive college coaches to conform to peer pressure and be ultra-conservative NFL coaches who never go for it and shit). The Rocket is back up to full speed though. If Pat is gonna get to pick between top 5 QBs each week it'll simply be a matter of how much the rest of the crew helps Zeke and QB1.

The Lockett Rocket is taking off (I wanted to pick just 1 hurdle but I mean he has a 5-minute reel of them):

Call Me Big Popp-ah 133.55 @ Big Dick Nicks 135.15

Close game of the week as it was Higbee, not Julio rounding out Nick’s big 3. Sam had a consistent roster, but it was consistently just not quite enough to best Nick’s hit or miss roster performance.

Nick barely get a hold of the W but sometimes that’s all that matters:

Richmond Police 144.45 @ The Stoner Express 103.85

RIP Saquon. Moment of silence.

Nick gets his first win back, finally a glimmer of light, just like the glimmer of what was to come Saquon gave us in his debut game:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 9/25

Game of the Week

The Lockett Rocket (2-0)

@

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 (1-1)

Line: RICK -7.7

Week 3 brings us a special treat with the Battle of the Pats! It's Pat on Pat action all weekend long, and since the division draw put these two on opposite sides of the aisle, this game also decides the JPFL Intergalactic Cu(ck)p!

Will the Locket Rockett continue its interstellar voyage or will the Pirates cuck things up and plunder that booty? With more on this matchup, here is JPFL Senior Correspondent, Brian McAvoy.

The Lockett Rocket has been shooting for the stars this season with a clean 2-0 start and the league lead in points. Meanwhile, the Space Pirates are recovering from their most recent cucking (losing despite dropping the 2nd highest score of the week)

but have a reason for optimism in the fact they are 4th in the league in scoring so far. Cam Newton has established himself as QB/RB 1 and Aaron Jones is showing out. They’ll need to continue to do so as the Kyler/Zeke combo from the Lockett Rockets is no joke. Despite Davante Adams being questionable with a hammy issue, the Lockett Rockets have the edge at WR with Thielen, Metcalf, and Diggs.

The key to the upset for the Space Pirates will be CEH and Drake stepping up proving they can be top 15 RBs. A cucking may be avoided here if they can drop 20 each. It’ll come down to the wire with CEH taking on the Ravens DST on both the virtual and physical field Monday night. Lockett is favored by all 3 metrics (ESPN- 52%, FantasyPros- 60.3%, and a 7.7 point favorite). Time for space war!

Pat Lockett leads this series 4-2 all-time

This game is being played on space cable in space primetime!

Week 3 At A Glance

Genderfluid Nonbinary (1-1) @ Minshew Mania (2-0)

Unsurprisingly, the Nonbinaries are showing their fluidity so far this season.

An opening week 124 point performance in a win gave cause for optimism, particularly 30 bombs from Lamar and Jacobs. Sadly that level of performance could not be replicated in week 2. Not one player was able to break 20 points in the starting lineup (not even Lamar) which led to a crushing 51 point to defeat to Mahomes and the TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL.

A rash of injuries to key pieces (Chark/Crowder out, Kittle highly questionable, Jacobs questionable) for the Nonbinaries has a healthy Minshew Mania squad favored in this showdown (ESPN- 53%, FantasyPros- 78.8%, and a 10.1 point favorite). Jackson, Jacobs, and Hill will need to have massive days to end Mania’s unbeaten run so far.

Joe leads this series 5-4 all-time

The Richmond Police football Team (1-1) @ Big Dick Nicks (1-1)

The Richmond Police Football Team are well equipped to meet their opposition head on this season.

Alvin Kamara is leading the way alongside a solid, although not spectacular supporting staff of RB/WRs. Mark Andrews is a top 3 tight end and the biggest surprise producer is Younghoe Koo. Koo has been phenomenal so far and will get plenty of opportunities in this high powered offense. Team owner, Nick Leon, is looking to stay focused this season and avoid a repeat Beer Mile.

The other Nick, Nick Butler, is reeling after suffering the loss of the top non-QB fantasy producer in CMC. CMC is out for a minimum of 3 games and the Big Dick Nick will be relying on Fournette seizing control of the job in Tampa to fill the void. Julio is also a game-time decision so the Big Dick Nicks will need to pop some blue pills for a boost this week. The Richmond Police Football Team is heavily favored to beat the Big Dick Nicks into submission (ESPN- 54%, FantasyPros- 60.3%, and a 10.6 point favorite). Nick vs Nick will end with Mark (Andrews) vs Mark (Ingram) on MNF.

Nick B leads this series 1-0 all-time

Harrisonburg 21-16 (0-2) @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL (2-0)

The defending champs continue their rough start and are winless going into this week’s closest projected matchup. Chuck’s squad is rolling so far

and has received a major boost with Jonathan Taylor being freed of Marlon Mack. Waller is being fed with looks as well so if Chuck’s WRs can step it up he’ll be a contender. Jacob is looking for Henry and Mixon to turn things around after lackluster starts. Watson vs Mahomes will be a close battle, Mixon/Henry vs Ekeler/Taylor will be interesting, Kelce vs Waller. New starting RBs in the flex for both squads in Mike Davis and Darrel Henderson. This matchup truly could go either way which is reflected in the metrics.

ESPN gives Jacob a slight edge by .6 points and a 51% win probability while FantasyPros is backing Chuck with a 51.3% chance to move on to 3-0. Monday night will be key as Chuck has Mahomes and Jacob has Kelce. Jacob will be relying on Kelce continuing to find the EZ to avoid an embarrassing 0-3 start to his title defense.

Jacob leads this series 5-2 all-time

RIP Saquon (0-2) @ Call me Big Popp-ah (0-2)

RIP Saquon may have lost Saquon for the season, they may also be winless,

but they are CONSISTENT. The squad, formerly known as The Stoner Express posted back to back scores of 103.45 and 103.85. They’ve pulled into the station and picked up a new conductor in Minshew. This fact combined with also rolling out Parker and Gesiciki on TNF means we’ll have an early idea of the way this matchup is going to go. The Big Popp-ah’s are coming off a narrow MNF defeat and is still trying to recover from the Michael Thomas high ankle sprain.

Hopkins, Godwin, and Lamb is a respectable WR trio but Ertz/TreQuan or Boyd will need to step up with a double-digit flex performance in the likely event MT can’t go again. The Stoner Express is favored by all 3 metrics (ESPN- 58%, FantasyPros- 56.2%, and a 17.6 point favorite). Interesting to note that while replacing MT brings Sam closer on ESPN, they still have Thomas a slight favorite while FantasyPros only gives Thomas a 44.3% win probability once Sam updates his lineup.

*Post TNF update: Minshew struggled in this one however Gesiciki managed 8 points of TE production off his sole catch by scoring a TD and a solid although not great performance from Parker still gives Thomas a chance, especially with MT still looking doubt for Sam.

Sam leads this series 8-3 all-time and 1-0 in the playoffs.