Week 4 - Everything is FINE!

“Jets… worst team in football” – Chris Simms

What a wild time for sports. Usually, we’d be about a half a month from the Sports Equinox, it always falls during the World Series. This year we had a mega equinox the likes of which never has happened or will happen ever again on September 10 when North American 10 sports leagues were all active.

Fear not, for while September 10, 2020, will forever go down as the most active day in US Sports history. This week is currently being argued as the Greatest WEEK in Major Sports history. This may look like a list of cool sports happening this week but I like to call this segment “Look at all this shit you didn’t know was happening because football is king”

Beginning Monday, 9/27, you had:

Stanley Cup Finals

Chiefs Ravens

French Open

MLB Playoffs (including 8 whole games Wed.)

NBA Finals

WNBA Finals

College Football Saturday (with a Top 10 SEC matchup)

Premier League, MLS, NWSL

PGA

UFC Fight Island

NFL Week 4

NASCAR Playoffs in Talladega

This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to parlay like 8 heavy favorites into an honest to goodness $100 for 100,000 bet.

Hey, remember Antonio Brown?! Just randomly popped into my head this week, its crazy how fast you become a nobody. The world’s attention span is shorter every day.

I saw the NFL said it was going to crack down on coaches not wearing face masks and shit on the sideline. I don’t get why the coaches aren’t all over doing this?? For decades we’ve been going over the top looking for the dumbest ways to hide our lips from being read and now you can just literally wear a mouth covering…

We’ve done the towels and shit

The play card

I even remember Northwestern using giant flags… point is, this has an actual football benefit according to the actions of the coaches themselves and they aren’t using it??

If I were coaching right now, I dead ass would rock a full-face helmet. Like an all chrome bike helmet or Master Chief looking shit. It would be full coverage, badass looking and you’d have no idea if I was even the one wearing it. I'm talking full coms inside. Visor can flip up and down but that shit is gonna be 300% shiny so the only thing you can see in it is the reflection of your own fear.

Check out the latest playoff odds, featuring a brand new projected 1 seed, congrats Brian.

Brian getting nearly a 50% chance of taking that 1 seed according to the stats rundown. I’ve already chalked both my games against him up as losses unless maybe I can buy him off. Also check the projections ruling myself, Nick (big dick), and Sam out of title contention, ouchies.

BTW if I run the beer mile swear to MAGA Jesus I’m going 120min plus, I’m not throwing up for football. It’ll probably be like a 4-hour Livestream from my house where I drink 4 beers, occasionally go on ¼ mile walks, and talk about life.

Speaking of the stats rundown though, I believe we have another new stat this week, Z Score. This basically shows how far off the norm your team was last week and LMAO look at me go, baby. Top Z scorer is the Zoomer of the year or some shit I dunno. I love trophies because that’s the CFB in me. I’m probably gonna keep track of some virtual “trophy games” between owners because the Intergalactic Cu(ck)p has inspired me so if you want to hate anyone harder and make a special request let me know.

Without further ado.

(this is my favorite nostalgia gif because I loved this show)

Week 3 Review

The Butler Space Pirates of Planet Cuck 9 131.05 @ Lockett Rocket 106.7

The Butler Pirates claim the Intergalactic Cu(ck)p! Amazingly, PBut won this game without Newton or Jones really going off. CEH had a solid 16 but the welcome surprises came from Gallup and Woods both going for basically 20! Toss in 14 from the Browns D and PLockett saw enough consistency to comfortably capitalize on a rough week for the rocketeers. While Murray put up his usual numbers, Zeke wasn’t quite the beast he can be leaving just DK Metcalf as the other big contributor with 17. Gordon went for an underwhelming 5.8 with Engram and Slayton suffering in the Giants O and a negative day for the Bills D capping the scoring in the 100s. PLo had a vulnerable week (which he already seems to be bouncing back from) and the Butler Pirate capitalized.

A true Butler Pirate ambush:

Genderfluid Nonbinary 131.15 @ Minshew Mania 161.1

What can we say about Joe’s team other than, it faced Brian’s team. Basically, just show up and hope for chaos. I dunno. Hope my curse passes on to Brian’s team? With Dak Prescott going for 30 points in a loss every week and then at least one back going for 20+ Brian was already going to put up tough numbers but then toss in 30 from the defense?? Good luck. Joe had unbelievable outings from his wideouts, Lazard put his entire season into one night with 23.4 (RIP) then cup and Hill both orbited the 20 point mark. This game was winnable for Joe, especially with Diontae Johnson getting concussed, but not if LJ and JJ are going to have probably what will likely end up being some of their worst performances of the year.

Even with 3 scores below 2.5, Brian couldn’t be touched:

Richmond Police Football Team 126.2 @ Big Dick Nicks 107.75

The Battle of the Nicks sees our Parrot Demerit holder jump above the .500 mark for the first time in quite a while (week 1, 2017, or if you want more than 1 game played week 13 of 2016). Alvin Kamara is set up to be the top-scoring non QB of the year with Saquon and CMac out and Allen Robinson is BACK as a WR1. Nick still might have the best QB dilemma every week but it doesn’t help that 1 has to end up on the bench and it especially doesn’t help if Russ’s 40 POINTS are seconded by your defense at 13.25. Mike Evans is returning to WR 1 form as his connection with Brady blossoms but Nick needs to find scoring while CMac is out or his Big 3 could suddenly be a big 2 that sometimes is only a Big 1.

Nick Leon spent the last 2 seasons below the .500 line but here is stronger than ever:

Harrisonburg 21-16 150.6 @ TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL 148.65

Your JPFL Classic of the Week. Jacob only held off Chuck because Travis Kelce was the receiver who got open on the last KC passing play of the night and he took it for a chunk. Had that ball gone to any other player, we’d be talking about the beginning of the Mahomes MVP season leading chuck to a 3-0 start. Instead, we’re looking back over the makings of an almost Monday Night comeback. Derrick Henry returned to form for Jacob and Keenan Allen saw pretty much every non-checkdown of the SanDiego day. Short term rental, Mike Davis, threw in a huge 19.1 as well and Jacob was set up nicely. Chuck had a great RB day with Ekeler officially the check down king this year under Herbert and Henderson taking the lead for LAR. Still, you had to wait and see what Mahome would give, knowing he could put up the 30+ Chuck needed… and he did. Unfortunately for Chuck just barely too much of it went to Kelce and he fell by 1.95.

I thought Jacob was dead… until he wasn’t:

R.I.P. Saquon 131.55 @ Call me Big Popp-ah 111.95

What a wild one, I dunno what happened here tbh. Minshew was doo doo on Thursday Night (as all offensive players usually are on the short week) and Adams and Gesicki somehow did little for Fitzmagic. But then God decided one good football thing could happen this year so Tyler Lockett caught 3 weeks’ worth of touchdowns in 1 game and the Tampa D finally looked as good as it cost and, oh hey Kenny Golladay is playing. Sam had the benefit of an actual QB he could rely on as well as a top-end WR who is loving his new QB but without Godwin and Mike Thomas, he was too hampered to beat my only good week of the year and fell to a shocking 0-3.

Me sitting down to look at my fantasy lineup Sunday evening:

Power Rankings

*updated as of 10/2

Brian claims the top spot this week after yet another $10 high score. If he wins again this week I’m gonna let it be up to him when he receives his payouts… tbh I’m open to leaving it up to each of you individually when you receive the $10 you get from any weekly high scores. If you want me to save em for you and do it all at once at the end, sure. If you want them as you win them, that works too.

Decided right now, I’m just gonna text the winner each week and see what they want. Benevolent Dictator.

Brian has the 1 spot in just about every metric except overall wins (not wins, this is if you played everyone every week). But he’ll certainly jump Chuck in that metric this week.

Leapfrog//

Speaking of Chuck he hangs in the second tier with the Pats, but you have to imagine Lockett will be taking a step towards Brian (who still might go S tier) It’ll be interesting to see how long Ryan(/Murray but probs not as much) stays rostered, with Murray’s bye week 8. Perhaps we see him moved for a TE/Flex option to keep with Brian if things ever get desperate? Charlie will take a step back in the PR next week causing these three to stratify a little bit. The current commonality: high scoring, with the one outlier really being Chuck’s roster score which might take a hit now with Ekeler.

Nick Leon gets a tier of his own because he deployed tear gas and beat the shit out of anyone who was just even standing near him so now we gave him his own safe space.

Though I've tried to last the season

With the QB that I drafted at the start

Well now thanks to fucking COVID

I just lost my QB need someone to start

I am really needing some Fitzmagic

Alvin Kamara and Robinson

Even though losing Ben was tragic

I am holding out for Ryan bombs

When I had to scour the waivers

I was worried that I wouldn’t be a fan

but boy did I get lucky

Can’t believe I landed me a Harvard man!

I am really needing some Fitzmagic

Alvin Kamara and Robinson

Even though losing Ben was tragic

I am holding out for Ryan bombs

I expect he’ll score for me a thousand points today

Help me out Montgomery, I hope that John Brown plays

Oh my roster fears have gripped me; wonder which Mark Andrews shows

But as long as Ryan's with

I will never be alone!

I am really needing some Fitzmagic

Alvin Kamara and Robinson

Even though losing Ben was tragic

I am holding out for Ryan bombs

I am really needing some Fitzmagic

Alvin Kamara and Robinson

Even though losing Ben was tragic

I am holding out for Ryan bombs

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah

I really need, I really need

I really, I really, I really

I am really needing some

needing some Fitzmagic

Eee oh oh (obviously sting is making dolphin noises here, for the dolphins)

Eee oh oh

Yeah I really need

Some of Fitz

Magic, magic, magic

Hey oh, yo oh

Eee oh oh

Jacob, Joe, and Nick B form the tier of “bad record, good potential” teams. May the injury Gods plunge you into a dark age.

And then in the rear is me barely floating above the one team I can beat, Sam, who at least has some JPFL titles to reminisce on right now.

Game of the Week

The Lockett Rocket (2-1)

@

TETRAHYDRO CHUCKABINOL (2-1)

Ummmm we didn’t have a whole lot of game preview ready because literally, everyday something changed. After Thursday Lockett had a huge lead in this one and with Austin Ekeler going down early today, it appears Chuck will have to hope for another MONSTER Monday night out of Mr. Mahomes.

Charlie is 1-5 all-time against Pat, looks like it could be 1-6 now.

This game is being played whenever we can confirm 3 negative Covid-19 tests from everyone involved.